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Premarital Counseling

yodacubyodacub member
100 Comments Second Anniversary
in Christian Weddings
FI is very nervous about premarital counseling.  He says he is happy to talk things over with me, but he's a little worried about talking to the pastor about things that he thinks should remain between us.  I can't say I'm looking forward to it, I don't open up to people very easily.  We are planning on emailing the pastor to get a better feel for what actually goes into premarital counseling, and hopefully this will alleviate some of FI's fears.  Anyone have any advice for us? 
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Re: Premarital Counseling

  • iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I think that DH was nervous too because he is a very private person.  The pastor that married us "cleared" us from counseling but I insisted we do it so we found a couple who did it for us (they run a Marriage Resource Center in our town).  They were awesome!  They built a great rapport with us and we had a great experience.  I hope you do too!
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  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Pastors are experienced talking to all sorts of people about all sorts of things. I don't know how many sessions you'll have, but I'm sure the pastor will ease you into the hard stuff.
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  • SoonToBeGenaoSoonToBeGenao member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My FI was also very nervous before we went into our first counseling session. Our pastor eased his feelings so quickly and FI actually really enjoyed going to each session. Our pastor followed a book with us. He would outline the very important things and we would discuss them. He would encourage us to answer questions kinda "on the spot" to see if we were surprised by the other's answer. As for some of the more intimate subjects (ie. sex, sex expectations, specific financial subjects etc) he told us the important things to discuss- we would discuss them privately and at our next session would follow up "did you both discuss the topic of "x"? Are there any problems/concerns? How do you feel?" If we both felt we had discussed it enough and didn't need further counsel on it, he wouldn't probe and would continue on with another topic. Hopefully yours can go similarly.
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  • Scarlet Starlet 31Scarlet Starlet 31 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for this post-we're having our first session tonight and I've been nervous about it all day!

    and, iamjoesgurl...I *LOVE* love love love that picture of you and your husband under that pretty tree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  <3
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  • kellya01kellya01
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Try not to be nervous about P-M counseling -- my DH and I were a little nervous, and excited too, but the pastor knew when he "poked" too much at subjects and we were also comfortable that even if we talked about it with the pastor, we knew that our personal issues would never leave his office.  Just remember to trust your pastor, knowing that he has your best interests at heart, and wants to give you counseling that will help set you up for an amazing start to your marriage.  Plus, techniques to keep your marriage strong!! 
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  • aggiebugaggiebug member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    We were too, and we felt it may be even more awkward since we consider our pastor a friend as well.

    but like he said some of the topics are not his favorite to talk about either.  We tended to talk more in generalities. 

    We discussed why its important to talk about it, how to talk about it and how to mediate and compromise. 

    Don't fret! It will be ok.  Pastors are trained to talk about this and to make the situation as comfortable as possible for everyone involved.  And even though H and I have a good line of communication on the big topics we still found it very helpful.
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  • iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Scarlet!
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  • drama1308drama1308
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    FI and I didn't really like PMC that much. We had talked about all of the subjects already and felt like we didn't learn much new. However we did learn a lot more from the book "Things I wish I'd Known Before I Got Married" which my mom asked us to read together.
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  • AshNoel8AshNoel8
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am sorry he is feeling worried. Premarital counseling is a great way to learn about each other and marriage. And the pastor has to keep everything said confidential and he or she will pray for you if there is anything that is bothering you. It really is a positive thing. Have fun! I will pray for peace. 
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  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Ash, the pastor does not have to keep everything confidential. While that is the norm and something usually protected by the law, some pastors have the view that we are all priests and shephers, and will share what is revealed in counseling with other members of the church so they can also counsel you and pray for you.

    If this issue is important to you, and you're not sure how things work in your church, you should talk to your pastor about it.
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  • DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Drama, we had a similar experience as you in the "we've already discussed all of this!" aspect.  However, our pastor was awesome with saying, "hey, you guys already talked about all this!  What did you discover?" then he offered any insight and we moved on.

    OP, if it makes you all feel better, ours was definitely more in generalities about expectations and such rather than specifics when it came to sex.  Actually, we spoke in generalities about everything - finances, all of that kind of stuff.  He never specifically asked how much we make or what our mortgage payment was or anything, just helped us create a strategy for dealing with it, since we'd never combined finances before.

    I don't remember a lot of what we did, but I do remember that our pastor gave us a list of things and asked us to put them in order from most important to us to least important in our marriage.  It was things like honesty, sex, money, communication, family, and so on.  After we prioritized them individually, we shared our lists and discussed the similarities and differences.  I remember our pastor laughing because usually the guy puts sex really high and the woman puts it fairly low, but we both put it as number 3 or something.
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  • diehlddiehld
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm so glad that this got posted I have PMC tommorow... and I'm nervous about talking about certain things with him... FH and I have discussed most things but saying them in front of a third party is different... 
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  • yodacubyodacub member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice everyone - FI emailed the pastor and we are feeling a little better about PMC since we now know more about what's involved.  I'm glad to know we aren't the only ones nervous about it!
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  • AshNoel8AshNoel8
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Elisabeth, that"s interesting, I didn't know that. I think during PMC I said a few times, "will you keep this confidential" and she said yes. H and I consider our pastor a friend and we have been close since day one, so I know we have nothing to worry about with her. But that's good to know that it's not a requirement to keep it confidential. It's probably good to ask your pastor about this then, OP.
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  • PinkRoseAcctPinkRoseAcct
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    When FI and I first started premarital counseling, he was terribly nervous.  His first question to me was "what if the pastor doesn't like me?  Can he refuse to marry me?"  My answer was "he's already married, and gay marraige isn't legal in NY".  Comic relief, it calmed him down.
    When we got to the first session, it seems that the pastor and my FI have one majorly huge thing in common - boy scouts.  They are both scoutmasters, and the pastor has now asked FI to join the troop.  Which is really great - FI is moving to a new city, new people, no longer living at home, has a mental disability which keeps him from working, so it's great for him to have something to do, and I love that it's with our pastor.
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