MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!

Toot11 · April 2011

SO I'm really hurt because we had my Bach party planned since January, my MOH calls me LESS THAN 2 WEEKS before the party and says "oops, double booked myself can we change it?" So I call 6 other girls to try to rearrange their schedules for one person, it doesn't work out because everybody had planned the original day. Since this day has been planned for 3 months and the subject of this other event never came up before, I figured my ONE AND ONLY bach party would take precedence over this other event that is yearly. Imagine my shock and disappointment when I receive a text that says "okay I'll just give you all the party stuff then" (She has the games, cutesy sashes, party favors, etc.) I'm really upset and confused as to why my MOH would even consider this other thing since she told me she was available for the bach party on this date. Now I don't get an apology, just a "poor me, why is everybody picking on me??" and implications that I'm ingrateful and "It's just a freaking bachelorette party!". Not to mention, when she got married a year and a half ago I had just been in a horrible wreck and still showed up to hers ON A WALKER!... I don't want to be a bridezilla, but this is so hurtful that my day is insignificant to my most honored bridesmaid...help!!!

jyoung888 · April 2011

May I ask what her event is? Perhaps to her (even though it's annual) it is more important. Like is it job related? I know that my mother planned my Bridal Shower, and I almost couldn't attend due to last minute work stuff.

Also the Knotties will first ask you who planned this party. Was it the BM's or you, because Bach parties are gifts, not requirements.

That being said, they will also say that since the only requirement of a BM is to buy the dress and show up to your ceremony, that it is okay for your MOH to be absent.

(I read a LOT of posts)

All that being said, I understand that you are disappointed, but your friend is obviously close enough to you to be your MOH, that you shouldn't hold this against her. She's still going to be a part of your big day.

Also most Bach parties are late activities, could she show up after her event? At least make an appearance?

My MOH apparently had BIG plans for my Bach., and we just found out she is pregnant. She was like "crap, now I am going to be the DD!" lol.

Best Wishes in figuring things out. Remember be easy on your BMs they all have lives and schedules outside of the wedding. I don't know how many girls you have, but getting 6 (7 if you count my Groomsman, who is gay, and calls himself a bridesmaid) girls together at the same time for ANY wedding related event!!!

saisongbird · April 2011

I absolutely agree that what she's done is crappy and not cool. However, you do have to remember that except for the actual day of the wedding, she really isn't obligated to do any other wedding-related things. Try to remember this phrase: "No one will ever be as excited for my wedding as I am." 15 years down the line, your marriage will not be any less valid because she missed your bachelorette party. Your friendship with her, however, is a different story. I don't know what the event is, but try to take a step back and see things from her POV. That's the rational side of me speaking.

All that being said, if this were my best friend, I would definitely be hurt and I would call her out on in as a friend. Leave the wedding out of it, and let her know how much she's hurt you as a FRIEND. Don't bring up the word bridesmaid.

vicki0508 · April 2011

I get that you're bummed, but you seem to be severely overreacting. She made a mistake and wasn't able to make it to the bachelorette party. Did you still have a good time?

She doesn't owe you an apology, and you shouldn't hold a grudge. Just let it go and move on with your life.

saisongbird · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:c7377f21-dd63-49f0-978c-29b0f4480879">MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]SO I'm really hurt because we had my Bach party planned since January, my MOH calls me LESS THAN 2 WEEKS before the party and says "oops, double booked myself can we change it?" So I call 6 other girls to try to rearrange their schedules for one person, it doesn't work out because everybody had planned the original day. Since this day has been planned for 3 months and the subject of this other event never came up before, I figured my ONE AND ONLY bach party would take precedence over this other event that is yearly. Imagine my shock and disappointment when I receive a text that says "okay I'll just give you all the party stuff then" (She has the games, cutesy sashes, party favors, etc.) I'm really upset and confused as to why my MOH would even consider this other thing since she told me she was available for the bach party on this date. Now I don't get an apology, just a "poor me, why is everybody picking on me??" and implications that I'm ingrateful and "It's just a freaking bachelorette party!". Not to mention, when she got married a year and a half ago I had just been in a horrible wreck and still showed up to hers ON A WALKER!... I don't want to be a bridezilla, but this is so hurtful that my day is insignificant to my most honored bridesmaid...help!!!
Posted by Toot11[/QUOTE]

<div>JIC</div>

ckollstedt · April 2011

Life happens. At the end of this whole process you'll be married to your best friend-- your MOH not being able to make it to your bachelorette party will not ruin everything.

I feel for you; I have a lot of close OOT family and friends that can't make it to my wedding (let alone a bach party). But making a big deal out and demanding that your MOH cancel her other plans is not something you should do to a friend that you trust enough to stand up with you.

If I were you, I'd count myself lucky that my bridesmaids were willing to plan an event for me. Be prepared for a lot of "all any bridesmaid/ MOH needs to do is buy the dress and show up on the big day."

mm4662 · April 2011

I get that everyone on these boards says that no one owes the bride anything except showing up in a dress and sober....

But, I'll be honest, I'd be upset if my best friend, who is close enough to be my maid of honor, did that to me.

I get that things happen and maybe she can't get out of the event but it's okay to have hurt feelings. You have every right to be disappointed.

CassieeK · April 2011

I'd be disappointed, too, but you'll just have to move past it. I'm sure it's not something you want your friendship ruined over.

Summer2011Bride · April 2011

I would be disappointed and perhaps a little angry too. For me, it would have nothing to do with the bach party or not; I just get a little frustrated when people cancel on me for things WITHIN their control in everyday circumstances. But then I move on.

I would talk to her and see if she could make either the first part or last part of your party before/after her other event. Even though the event may not seem important to you, it may be very important to her, and we all mess up. If I was her, I would have apologized to you profusely, so it's a little crummy she didn't apologize, but if you are good friends with her, like I'm assuming you are, I wouldn't let this alone ruin my friendship with her.

CassieeK · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:c5185f3e-82f3-45fb-ab13-788bad0df6e6">Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months! : Because the reality is that when you're not the bride, a bach party is just another night out drinking (or night in watching chick flicks, etc) with your friends. The truth is that it ISN'T your last night out with them, and so really why take it any more personally than them canceling on any other girls' night?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>This is so very true! </div>

blotter33 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:a07e8b56-a7d2-4bb7-9961-39659d7fe8f6">Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]I get that everyone on these boards says that no one owes the bride anything except showing up in a dress and sober.... But, I'll be honest, I'd be upset if my best friend, who is close enough to be my maid of honor, did that to me. I get that things happen and maybe she can't get out of the event but it's okay to have hurt feelings. You have every right to be disappointed.
Posted by mm4662[/QUOTE]

You took the words right out of my mouth...

<p>Although it's not a popular opinion, I think BM's and the MOH are required to do more than just buy a dress and show up. The whole concept of BM's and MOH traditionally stem from helping the bride with her wedding--what that exactly entails depends on expectations of the bride and her wedding party. I think this should be discussed PRIOR to picking your party and making sure everyone is on the same page.

With all that siad, life happens and not everyone is going to be able to participate and contribute the same way. You have everyright to feel upset and disappointed--it's your feelings. I'd just try not to let it ruin your friendship and to see it all in context. Try to see it from her perspective.</p>

Viczaesar · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:023a5a4a-6d62-40b1-ab56-f93b17b8e32b">Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months! : You took the words right out of my mouth... Although it's not a popular opinion, I think BM's and the MOH are required to do more than just buy a dress and show up. <strong>The whole concept of BM's and MOH traditionally stem from helping the bride with her wedding</strong>--what that exactly entails depends on expectations of the bride and her wedding party. I think this should be discussed PRIOR to picking your party and making sure everyone is on the same page. With all that siad, life happens and not everyone is going to be able to participate and contribute the same way. You have everyright to feel upset and disappointed--it's your feelings. I'd just try not to let it ruin your friendship and to see it all in context. Try to see it from her perspective.
Posted by blotter33[/QUOTE]
Actually no, it doesn't.

trix1223 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:023a5a4a-6d62-40b1-ab56-f93b17b8e32b">Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months! : You took the words right out of my mouth... Although it's not a popular opinion, I think BM's and the MOH are required to do more than just buy a dress and show up. The whole concept of BM's and MOH traditionally stem from helping the bride with her wedding--what that exactly entails depends on expectations of the bride and her wedding party. I think this should be discussed PRIOR to picking your party and making sure everyone is on the same page. With all that siad, life happens and not everyone is going to be able to participate and contribute the same way. You have everyright to feel upset and disappointed--it's your feelings. I'd just try not to let it ruin your friendship and to see it all in context. Try to see it from her perspective.
Posted by blotter33[/QUOTE]

The whole concept of BM's and MOH doesn't traditionally stem from helping the bride with her wedding. In fact, that's a relatively new expectation. Originally bridesmaids were bridesmaidens and were young women about the same age as the bride.

They all dressed like the bride and surrounded her on her way to the wedding to confuse the evil spirits who might try to bring harm to her. (Just occurred to me that it's rather like when there were multiple Harry Potters in the Deathly Hallows book-to confuse Lord Voldemort and his followers....but that's another thread.)

Anyway, I've been married almost 33 years, and back when I was married, BMs and MOHs literally did just show up at the rehearsal and wedding. We didn't attend showers. We didn't have b-parties. We certainly didn't help with DIY projects. None of my WP did those things, and I was in several weddings and didn't do those things.

It's only as the wedding industry exploded that all of these additional "duties" which translate in $$ for the industry came into play.

vsgal · April 2011

Your bridal party, MOH included, do not have to do anything but show up for your wedding. Expecting them to be at your beck and call for parties, DIY, and other planning is silly. Your wedding is not that important to them. What is going on in their lives will trump your wedding, just as you feel your wedding should trump their plans. Invite her to come out after her other event and if she can't make it, life will continue. Don't end a long friendship over one night of drinking.

jyoung888 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:232e1a7e-a2c8-4170-a791-ef1bd76f4ef9">Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months! : The whole concept of BM's and MOH doesn't traditionally stem from helping the bride with her wedding. In fact, that's a relatively new expectation. Originally bridesmaids were bridesmaidens and were young women about the same age as the bride. They all dressed like the bride and surrounded her on her way to the wedding to confuse the evil spirits who might try to bring harm to her. <strong>(Just occurred to me that it's rather like when there were multiple Harry Potters in the Deathly Hallows book-to confuse Lord Voldemort and his followers</strong>....but that's another thread.) Anyway, I've been married almost 33 years, and back when I was married, BMs and MOHs literally did just show up at the rehearsal and wedding. We didn't attend showers. We didn't have b-parties. We certainly didn't help with DIY projects. None of my WP did those things, and I was in several weddings and didn't do those things. It's only as the wedding industry exploded that all of these additional "duties" which translate in $$ for the industry came into play.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Love the Harry Potter comparison.

I would like to say that you can be disappointed... for a moment, and then you must move on. :)

Your wedding day will be fabulous, and those near and dear will be in attendance :) You are marrying your best friend! That is what matters!!!

mbcdefg · April 2011

I think it's natural for you to feel disappointed or hurt, but I also think you're making this bachelorette party into something WAY more important than it really is. Like PPs said, it's basically just a Girls' Night Out, but you're allowed to be the center of attention and that's really the only difference between that and a regular Friday night out with friends.

Be upset for a little while by yourself, then shake it off and move on. You're being SUPER dramatic for calling this "my day" and my "one and only bachelorette party" and treating it like some huge important event that will change all of your lives forever. Chill out.

stephbonthego · April 2011

I disagree with the opinions here in part. Yes, the wedding party has little more to do (by obligation) beyond showing up on time the day of but consider: Obviously, the MOH is selected because of the bond between the bride and herself. A bride wants those people close to her on every special occaission associated with the wedding including the Bach party.

My MOH skipped out on attending a huge bridal show that we (bridal party) had scheduled six months prior because of the MOH's tight schedule and then the night prior, I get a text message bowing out b/c her NFL team had made it in to the playoffs and she couldn't squeeze in both! It really hurt my feelings. (I'm a Football Widow and I'm not even married!!??!!) End of the world? No but still hurt that I was pushed aside.

I really don't see this as a 'Bridzilla' moment. More of a "You are my friend and let me down and we can't go back in time to fix this" kind of thing.

MairePoppy · April 2011

Toot- I'll give you a little sympathy. It's bad form for anyone to back out of an invitation (let alone a party that she helped plan), to accept another, maybe better, offer. I"m assuming this annual event is not extraordinary, such as Great Grandmas's 100th birthday or something like that. Either way, an apology would have been nice.If you have complained to or about her, then you owe her an apology, too.

It sounds like your MOH had good intentions. She purchased all those items for your bp and wants you to have them. You can't really force her to attend so you should just let it go. Just go to your party and have a great time with the friends that go to celebrate with you.

Good luck.

LoveMuffins · April 2011

Yeah, I'd be pretty hurt and disappointed that she back out. Sure, life happens, but first come first served imo. You had these plans first, and she's basically blowing you off. However, MairePoppy is also right that she obviously had good intentions with everything that she got together.

I would probably just call her, let her know that of course you don't want her to feel attacked for not being there, and that while you're disappointed you're not angry... but also be honest about the fact that you feel like you aren't as important to her as you thought you were, because you had plans with her first and now she's canceling them to do this other thing.

Personally, I think she should've realized that backing out of plans would do that - it doesn't matter if you'rea bride or not, anytime a friend chooses other plans over plans she's already made with you, the message is 'this is more important to me than you are'. Just because in this case the plans happen to be a wedding event, that doesn't make you unreasonable for being upset.

Hopefully she apologize for hurting your feelings, and also realize that the reason you're upset is because she is very important to you and you feel like your importance to her has been lessened. However, you do also need to remember all the sweet things that she has already put together for you, and realize that of course you are important to her, and that this one time will not ruin your future friendship, just because these plans are for your wedding.

mrsjustinm2b · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:645ff52d-e7d3-4851-8430-7147c34c27f5">Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I think she should've realized that backing out of plans would do that - it doesn't matter if you'rea bride or not, anytime a friend chooses other plans over plans she's already made with you, the message is 'this is more important to me than you are'. Just because in this case the plans happen to be a wedding event, that doesn't make you unreasonable for being upset. Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

Agreed! I hate how whenever a bride asks somthing of someone or someone blows her off or flames her since she is being a bridezilla for being upset, yet when bridesmaids act like less than a friend posters get told "oh well your wedding isn't important"...Sorry, but if my friend doesnt think my wedding, or other huge event in my life is the least bit important then I don't think I would want to be friends with that person anymore.

M&R7111 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:15cdf3eb-6ac8-4f3c-9f3a-ca8c327a67a0">Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months! : Agreed! I hate how whenever a bride asks somthing of someone or someone blows her off or flames her since she is being a bridezilla for being upset, yet when bridesmaids act like less than a friend posters get told "oh well your wedding isn't important"...<strong>Sorry, but if my friend doesnt think my wedding, or other huge event in my life is the least bit important then I don't think I would want to be friends with that person anymore.</strong>
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]

It's been said before, time and time again, in many different forms:

<em>No one else finds your wedding more important/exciting as much as you and your FI do.</em>

As PP have said, the MOH did go out of her way to plan everything for this party, but there is a conflict. People have other things going on in their lives they might actually find more important than the wedding (gasp! I know, right?) Sure, it sucks and OP is disappointed, and it's OK to feel that way, but it's not that big of a deal to end a friendship over.

carolinaila10 · April 2011

my moh backed out 2 weeks before mine too. she probably could make it for one night, but i dont know that will happen. i was very hurt and upset, but ive decided i am going to have fun with who IS there and she will be there on the most important day, wedding day. it sucks, but youll still have fun, with or without her, im sure.

hdb322 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-skipping-out-bach-party-planned-3-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce4f833f-e152-4085-bccb-15061ac4bdeaPost:15cdf3eb-6ac8-4f3c-9f3a-ca8c327a67a0">Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months! : Agreed! I hate how whenever a bride asks somthing of someone or someone blows her off or flames her since she is being a bridezilla for being upset, yet when bridesmaids act like less than a friend posters get told "oh well your wedding isn't important"...Sorry, but if my friend doesnt think my wedding, or other huge event in my life is the least bit important then I don't think I would want to be friends with that person anymore.
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm glad you said that. I agree! Friend don't need to make my wedding their whole world, but if they are friends- they would be excited. It's a common theme on the boards that BMs don't have to care about your wedding at all and brides always overreact. And hey, if your idea of a BM is just to show up- thats cool. Thats your opinion and your deal. If its your idea that a BM is majorly- or even somewhat involved, well just make sure they know that before hand. There is no right or wrong answer here. </div><div><span style="white-space:pre;" class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Obviously we have similar opinions and I think you have every right to be upset. Sure, you'll probably get over it and it will pass... but your right- It's your only bach party. Although a bach party is not required, its pretty much a given these days.... and I believe its an important part of the 'wedding' process and your MOH should be there. But without knowing what her other obligation was- I can't completely say what the appropriate response should be. But, good luck and I am sure you will have a beautiful wedding regardless of how your bach party goes! </div>

MOH skipping out on Bach party that has been planned for 3 months!

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