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How to keep mom calm

TallyKyleTallyKyle member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Hello,
My mom has been helping A LOT with the wedding. I'm a full-time student, and I definately appreciate the help. However, I've noticed that she's starting to get a little overwhelmed (she won't admit it though). How can I . How can I show her how much I appreciate all of her work. I don't have much money, but I don't want to seem ungrateful.
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Re: How to keep mom calm

  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Try help plan your own wedding.  I understand that it's a lot to do if you're a full time student but it's doable and this is your wedding afterall.  Give your mom a break.
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  • utegogglesutegoggles member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm a full time student, work full time, and I managed to plan my own wedding.. Why don't you take the planning notebook from her and do it yourself.
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  • joyfulhappy1joyfulhappy1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    plan a date for the two of you at a spa and treat her to a day of pampering

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  • tseguintseguin member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Learn to manage your time and take a load of stuff off your mom.  This is your wedding, not your mom's. You should be doing the majority of the work with your mom assistanting. If need be, ask your FI to help instead.
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  • jenniferb77jenniferb77
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    the problem with just jumping in and taking over is that your mom might be hurt by the intrusion even if she is feeling overwhelmed.

    sit down with her and tell her what you have shared with us. "mom, i am so grateful for all of the effort you have put into this. i have noticed that you seem a little overwhelmed. i understand your desire to not give in, but please, let me help you so i can show you how much i appreciate all of your hard work by giving you a breather."
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  • TallyKyleTallyKyle member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So here's the thing. I had to sugar coat my previous post b/c my mom has a profile and likes to stalk. Here's the truth. She's become obsessed. She has become over invested in everything. I have planned my entire wedding with only some input from her (mostly about money). She has a tendancy to put words in my mouth and do things behind my back.
    For example, she decided to get dance lessons so that she and my dad could surprise me with a choreographed dance. I personally feel like that's upstaging my fiance and I.
    She also decided to not invite my bridesmaids to my first shower, but invited my FI's mom and step-mom. Is it just me, or is that rude?
    My FI thought we had decided on no save-the-dates, and my mom orders them and harasses me to get everyone's addresses. On a daily basis.
    How do I tell her to back off? I can tell she's overwhelmed and I think it's because she's so invested in this. She has nothing else to do with her free time.
    I don't want to start a fight, but how can I get her to chill out?
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  • knottie5c06085a6024ee76knottie5c06085a6024ee76 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You need to tell her exactly how you feel- exactly what you just typed.  Tell her that you love her and appreciate all of her help, but be very firm.  If you aren't honest with her, you will end up resenting her and it will strain your relationship.  Also, have you considered hiring a wedding planner? Not only will a planner take care of the details that your mom is stressing herself out about, but they will make sure that the wedding is done the way YOU want it to be.  

    Good Luck :)
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  • joyfulhappy1joyfulhappy1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ditto with brittbrides advice
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  • madauskmadausk
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scared-its-gonna-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a51bcca9-1f5b-4990-9ac5-616078dacaedPost:4e98089c-cc8b-44a9-95d8-c34483650638">Re: How to keep mom calm</a>:
    [QUOTE]So here's the thing. I had to sugar coat my previous post b/c my mom has a profile and likes to stalk. Here's the truth. She's become obsessed. She has become over invested in everything. I have planned my entire wedding with only some input from her (mostly about money). She has a tendancy to put words in my mouth and do things behind my back. For example, she decided to get dance lessons so that she and my dad could surprise me with a choreographed dance. I personally feel like that's upstaging my fiance and I. She also decided to not invite my bridesmaids to my first shower, but invited my FI's mom and step-mom. Is it just me, or is that rude? My FI thought we had decided on no save-the-dates, and my mom orders them and harasses me to get everyone's addresses. On a daily basis. How do I tell her to back off? I can tell she's overwhelmed and I think it's because she's so invested in this. <strong>She has nothing else to do with her free time</strong>. I don't want to start a fight, but how can I get her to chill out?
    Posted by TallyKyle[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>My Mom had this EXACT problem, so I understan what a ehadache it can be. My only advice is to tell her how you feel (Which will most likely hurt feelings/cause a fight.. but is still necessary). The other thing you can do, is to pick a few key elements for her to just take over completely. Things that maybe you don't really care about/wouldn't put in much tiem and energy to plan, then tell her your handling everything else. Example, the rehearsal dinner or a brunch the day she aready bought the STD's, might as well have her send them out. I had my mother also create picture collages, which was really nice, but never something I would have taken the time to do myself.

    Ultimately, YOU need to be the one doing things and then delegating tasks to her, as appropriate. Then you can control how much she has on her plate/how overwhelmed she gets.

    </div>
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  • lzmac11lzmac11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scared-its-gonna-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a51bcca9-1f5b-4990-9ac5-616078dacaedPost:1aeda957-6c55-4030-b502-5d2723d48711">Re: How to keep mom calm</a>:
    [QUOTE]Try help plan your own wedding.  I understand that it's a lot to do if you're a full time student but it's doable and this is your  wedding afterall.  Give your mom a break.
    Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

    This!

    Sorry hun but I went to school FT worked a PT job and planned my entire wedding.  Everyone does it.  You just have to manage. 

    No one is trying to be harsh or mean just trying to make you understand that everyones lives work around things. 


    If you want to help your mom, take the book for a weekend and tell your mom it is her weekend off from wedding planning.
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  • Mae0606Mae0606
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ditto with BrittBride. From your second post it's obvious that you havent just push allt he wedding stuff aside and forced your mom to take it over as it seems some people are thinking. You need to be firm, tell her how you really feel, that you would still like her help, but it is your wedding, not hers. And yes, itw ould be upstaging you, and yes it is rude to not invite your BMs to the shower.
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  • shoebieshoebie member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If its her $ its her option to be involved..... Money never comes without strings 
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  • felish06felish06
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scared-its-gonna-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a51bcca9-1f5b-4990-9ac5-616078dacaedPost:365bffdb-8c6e-4826-8ede-ac3a26de1d25">Re: How to keep mom calm</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm a full time student, work full time, and I managed to plan my own wedding.. Why don't you take the planning notebook from her and do it yourself.
    Posted by stefwhitney[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree. </div><div>That's why a lot of people don't want to get married because it can be TOUGH planning  your wedding, In the end, you will feel gratitude.</div>
    m/c on Dec. 30th 5w 5 days We will try and try again until we succeed. i love you.
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