The dreaded money subject

missmelanie81 · March 2011

Ugh. So FI's parents have made it clear they plan on paying for a big chunk of the wedding. They have never said how much or exactly what and it really has been stressing me out. So far they have put the deposits on the hall and the chapel. So this weekend we are taking them out to dinner to talk about it. I hate this subject and I dont want us to seem like we are just after their money...so I was thinking of typing up a spreadsheet with "expected" exspenses, how much they will cost and then a space for a name. I already know that FI and I will pay for my dress and acessories, the tux, the rehersal dinner and a few other things, so I will write our names by those...and then the rest we can go over with them and figure out. Does this sound like a "gentle" way to go about this?

rcj2rcd · March 2011

I was in the same situation. I made a detailed budget and we all went over it. It felt better to set the guidelines and make sure we were all on the same page. Money talks are tough and can be uncomfortable, but I'm of the belief that being straightforward (and not trying to talk around the topic or sugar coat it) is the best way - otherwise, people start assuming things and it turns into a mess. If you want, PM me your email and I'll send you my budget template (it's a lot more detailed than the one you get from TK).

July032011 · March 2011

I know how much it sucks! We sat down to have the dreaded talk with FI parents and we walked away knowing less then we knew to start with! With my family it was easy, but his family doesn't talk that openly about money at all so it was so AWKARD!

I love your spreadsheet idea. Not sure what you think about this but you might want your FI to give his parents a heads up that you plan on discussing the budget rather than dropping the bomb on them at dinner. Plus they may have some things to gather up to be prepared too!

Good Luck!

missmelanie81 · March 2011

Oh yes..we told them that was the plan for dinner. Talk about the budget and other weddin stuff. I think they want to have "the talk" to, and just dont know how to approch it too.

LOTON01 · March 2011

I think this is a great way to approach it. Be honest with them and let them know you need to know what you will have to pay for.

The money talk is the worst.

Good Luck.

klreese0213 · March 2011

Thats a great idea!! It'll give them the option to pick and choose what they feel comfortable spending. an expected price per items is also a great idea! Very nicely planned! I think with you adding your name to the items you plan to pay definitely shows initiative on your part.
Let us know how it goes.

zulamay · March 2011

Maybe have your numbers in mind, but don't write them on the spreadsheet before your FI's parents see it. It might come off like "I expect you to pay $5,000" or something. On your personal copy, create a spreadsheet with two columns - the line you would like to budget, and the line that is blank of what his FI agree to pay. Then you can write it in as you go with the parents, while they look at the blank copy and explain what they are willing to pay.

Sue-n-Kevin · March 2011

I think your plan is a good one.

As someone who will be a bride in 5 months, AND is a parent, I might even go a bit farther than your current plan.

I would list the items, then put a dollar "range".
In other words, photographer: $800-$1500, cake $200-$400, etc. You can't possibly put realistic prices on something that is 14 months away.

Were either of them involved in the choice of the hall?
Do they know how much it costs to feed X people?

And the last question, how much control will they allow you and your fiance to plan the wedding you want, including the number of people both of you want AND YOUR FAMILY needs to invite before yelling "ouch"? As you can tell by the number of posts I have, I've seen a lot of boards, and this..one..issue is one of the most "AAARRRRGHH moment" issues I've seen on many of the boards. I think it's fabulous when a set of parents is willing to pay so their child and future spouse can have a wonderful wedding. Most of the time with that financial outlay comes a significant amount of control over the "who,what,when,how" decisions.

So, as indelicate as it might be, before you are posting in 6-10 months about how you or your family are feeling slighted because of the control your fiance's parents have due to their financial outlay, make sure you bring this up.

The reception is the largest financial outlay. In respect to that, you may just ask them to pay for their guests, and you will figure out the rest, making sure their guest count, along with those for your family and friends will fit in the venue you have reserved. OR, they cover the food and the alcohol will be your expense, etc

Good luck. I think you are showing a great deal of thoughtfulness in the way you intend to address this.

picklesmurphy · March 2011

Good luck! It sounds like your hearts are in the right place, and that they want to get this part over as bad as you do. I might also bring a few copies of different vendors costs to show range of prices. A lot of them have them on their websites. My Dad had NO idea how much a wedding cost. He was concerned we may end up spending $7000 on our wedding. He had no idea. Our talk was pretty easy. He offered to sell one of his motorcycles and we can use the money anywhere we want. He does keep saying "that seems like a lot of money" lol. But if anyone knows someone who wants to buy a Harley : )

The dreaded money subject

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