married first blessed later

babyruth212 · July 2010

I am at a loss of what to do and I’m hoping to find some experiences or advice. FI applied for an annulment and it was almost done. Our Pastor let us set a date, he was confident it was coming because previously he had told us that of course we couldn’t set a date. We booked a venue (which is flexible just in case we did make sure of that) and started telling family. We did not send out formal invitations yet because this is for an October wedding. Well we got a call from the Tribunal a couple days ago and they sat on the paperwork for months instead of sending it out where it needed to go so now they are saying December before it’s back. We are very upset. I’ve had my differences with Catholic processes before but this has me very angry. Anyway. FI doesn’t want to change our date. He wants to go ahead and get married at a chapel in October, take a short honeymoon then have it blessed in February and take the kids on a familymoon. Our Pastor is completely OK with all of this in fact he suggested we go ahead. Please don’t bash him for being unconventional he just knows, as we do, that we are meant to be together and this is a blip of Catholic bureaucracy that shouldn’t hold us back. I don’t know how to feel. I can’t imagine what a wedding ceremony would be like without the Church. My sister got married on the beach by a JOP and it took all of 5 minutes. I can’t see inviting people to a chapel for a 10 minute thingy and then driving to a reception. I also feel very weird about basically programming a Catholic service to be performed at a Chapel when it’s really not. But, I don’t want to wait either. I have been so excited and I can’t wait to marry him. I did not have a Catholic wedding before, I eloped and had to have a Lack of Form done. Obviously FI did have the big shebang previously and it did no good it didn’t help them stay married LOL. I see his point. But I still feel like something would be missing. But I don’t want to wait. I’m rambling, sorry. So if anyone has some words of wisdom, if you were married first and convalidated later or if that is what you are planning to do I’d love to hear some constructive comments.

Calypso1977 · July 2010

i personally would not do this, but that's me.

you can try to get the convalidation done later, but there's no guarantees.

and you are right, there would be something missing if you did the chapel wedding - your sacrament.

i really have no constructive advice.... sorry!

Riss91 · July 2010

Sounds like a frustrating situation! In my honest opinion, I feel like December is so close to October that you really should just wait and do it the right way. I mean, you got his far, right? And although your priest would allow the convalidation, just personally knowing that convalidations aren't meant for that purpose would make me feel guilty about going through with it and skirting the system. Yes, it is a bureaucractic glich, but it was important to get the annulment, so it should be just as important to get married in the church. Whatever you decide, best wishes!

babyruth212 · July 2010

Well thanks for responding. I'm not really worried about the convalidation, our Priest assured us he will marry us...and honestly if we never did it it would be OK. If FI couldn't get married in the Church I would still marry him civilly because I would believe the Church was wrong. Thinking further I guess my question is more along the ceremony content lines and how to go about that.

ETA- we are in New England and for the travel and safety of our guests a winter wedding is absolutely out of the question. Plus with the holidays, we just wouldn't do it in the winter. If it was just coming down to a month or two that would be one thing. But if we were going to wait to have a full out Catholic ceremony we'd end up waiting until next May or June due to the weather and school schedules of our children. That's what is making the wait question harder.

Calypso1977 · July 2010

well,i guess if receiving the sacrament isnt that important to you, then you can proceed with the wedding, then the convalidation. i dont know much about the process for obtaining convalidations, but i think there has to be paperwork completed and approved by someone higher than the priest in order for one to be performed. while the priest says he'll do it, he may need to get authority from someone else prior to performing the convalidation.

as far as your ceremony if you proceed in october, i would probably keep it simple with some readings and other christian content.

bellashauntee · July 2010

I understand that this is a tough situation. I do think that in the long run it is better to do it the right way. Check all of the guidelines before you make this decision. It is much easier to do it the right way then having to fix it later. I wish I could marry my FI tomorrow and cannot wait, but I also know the repercussions if we were to act hastily.

Riss91 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_married-first-blessed-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a282a520-aeca-434e-b3de-c9701e363d2cPost:304ab45e-fb10-4e26-b849-c95567987150">Re: married first blessed later</a>:
[QUOTE]honestly if we never did it it would be OK. If FI couldn't get married in the Church I would still marry him civilly because I would believe the Church was wrong.
Posted by babyruth212[/QUOTE]

Not trying to be snarky, but why bother with the whole annulment if you don't care for the Church's guidelines? Also, why bother with the convalidation? I can't imagine how stressful it's been planning your wedding with such a big "obstacle" hanging in the balance, so I can see where you're at your wits' end in having to push things off. And I am really sorry for that. But, it would be such a shame for you to regret going against the church later in life, all over a few months' wait.

babyruth212 · July 2010

Yeah it's tough. There are many things about the Church we cherish. Some things, not so much. I know we're not the only ones who feel that way. The Church is only as good as the people who make it up and is subject to human error. Obviously in this case the error was letting these two people get married in the first place since there was no sacrament. So yes, I think the Church can be wrong. We've debated leaving the Church and decided some of the higher truths are more important to us than the red tape and donations required to get things done, so we've stayed.

Theresa626 · July 2010

It's only two months, can you move it two months later? I'd be really upset too but from what you've written, I think having a Catholic wedding is really important to you. If you think of yourself looking back on it a few years later, which would you regret more? Not having the ceremony you always envisioned or having two extra months together of married life?

You are very lucky in that you are able to change the date and I think you should take advantage of that. I wouldn't judge you if you did decide to go the other route but I really think you will regret it.

Theresa626 · July 2010

babyruth, what about having a destination wedding in January in FL or some place warmer? That way you wouldn't have to wait as long. However, you'd have to contact those churches right now in order to get a date because they have to know six months in advance so I don't know if it would work or not....

If you really want to go the convalidation route, you could make it like a Catholic ceremony without the mass part. Do a first reading, a psalm, a second reading and the alleluia, a gospel reading and then a homily. Finally, do your vows and be announced and walk out. If you wanted to add something more, you could do the unity candle or prayers of the faithful.

Calypso1977 · July 2010

Obviously in this case the error was letting these two people get married in the first place since there was no sacrament. So yes, I think the Church can be wrong.

i'm confused.... the church has no control over a Catholic going to get married in a protestant church, or a Catholic opting to elope. your FI was married in the church the first time, so he would ahve gotten the sacrament. i'm confused?

babyruth212 · July 2010

Theresa we have some family here that isn't able to travel so we're sticking close by, otherwise I would love a destination wedding especially in Florida. I went to UCF!!! GO Knights!

Calypso there was no sacrament between FI and his ex, hence the annulment being approved.

mica178 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_married-first-blessed-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:a282a520-aeca-434e-b3de-c9701e363d2cPost:f10508fb-6278-4eda-8e9a-9196692b4acc">Re: married first blessed later</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah it's tough. There are many things about the Church we cherish. Some things, not so much. I know we're not the only ones who feel that way. The Church is only as good as the people who make it up and is subject to human error. Obviously in this case the error was letting these two people get married in the first place since there was no sacrament. So yes, I think the Church can be wrong. We've debated leaving the Church and decided some of the higher truths are more important to us than the red tape and donations required to get things done, so we've stayed.
Posted by babyruth212[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure that it was the Church being wrong. It was people who work for the Church who made the error. That's human error, not Church error.

If you care enough to go through the rough annulment process, then wait the two months to get married properly, once and for all. Or wait a few more months than that for good weather.

dzara22 · July 2010

Dear Babyruth,

This is a stressful situation that may have a resolution. Speak to you priest if a Deacon or a Priest that has been honorably released of his duties can perform a cultural ceremony for you. For example the man who is marrying me used to be a priest, but fell in love. He went to the church and explained his situation to the Church and he was honorably released of his duties. Since then he got married and has been giving Communion preparation classes and performing Catholic Ceremonies for over 30 years. Of course the ceremony he gives is without communion. He sent me a layout of the ceremony which will be 30-35 mins.

I am having my religous ceremony during the week at the church with my priest and few close family members, and having the cultural ceremony that weekend.

fam6 · July 2010

I sent you a private message!

married first blessed later

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