Pre-wedding Parties

Throwing own Engagement party?

My brand new FI (ee! love that!) and I are in the process of buying a house.  We just got engaged at Christmas and we'll be closing on our house at the end of January.

We would love to have some of our friends and family over to our new house to celebrate all of these fun events in our lives with us.

Is it appropriate to throw our own engagement/housewarming party once we get settled?

Re: Throwing own Engagement party?

  • klibertikliberti member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm told this is a horrible idea and unacceptable but I don't care- I'd do it... I don't play in a social circle that would look down on me for it, we just look for excused to get togeather because everyone moved so far away after college... Enjoy yourself and your friends!
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  • edited December 2011
    It's tacky to throw a party in your own honor. Period. You can do it, but people will judge will, whether to your face or behind your back.

    If you're buying a house and want to have a party, why not just have a housewarming* party? Invite everyone over to see your new digs, eat some food and drink some beer/wine. Just don't call it an engagement party.

    Edit: *I could not think of what this was called.
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  • edited December 2011
    While I don't think it's completely crazy and selfish to throw your own e-party, I do think in this case it might be better to just have a housewarming party.  Yes, technically it's the same thing, but a housewarming party just has a nicer ring to it. Just invite people over for food and drinks and if they toast your engagement, that's all you really need out of an engagement party anyways.

    Also, if it's an engagement party, you have to be super careful with the guest list, as you cannot invite people who won't end up invited to the wedding.
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  • edited December 2011
    Housewarming party it is! :)

    Thanks, ladies!
  • edited December 2011
    We threw our own engagement party.  We called it our engagement bbq, as it was in April and we are known for throwing the "first" bbq's of the season.  Since it was an informal gathering (potluck, yard games, fire pit, etc) and our friends/family aren't strict etiquette followers it turned out well for us and everyone had a fun time. 

    If it's not a formal event and you're not directly asking for gifts, I think it's okay to add it to the title of the event (Housewarming/Engagement Party), considering that IS what it is.  Now, if all your friends/family are strict etiquette followers and you think they would judge you for this, then perhaps you should reconsider. 

    Congratulations on your engagement and becoming a new home owner!! :-)
  • bekahjane89bekahjane89 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We threw our own Engagement party as an excuse to get all members of the wedding party together at one time to meet. It made planning a lot easier.

    I see absolutely no difference between throwing yourself an engagement party and a housewarming party... both are in your honor! I say go for it! Every ettiquite board I read before the party in my planning processes said that the "rules" for e-parties have gone out the window. Anyone can throw one, parents on either side, friends or wedding party memebers. It is important that you have a good idea of your guest list though... you don't want to step in that mess!

    I would recommend that you should add a "no gifts please" note on the invite... I think that would be crossing the line if there was an expectation for gifts at the party (which is why that no parties in your honor thrown by you rule is in place). If your guests want to bring gifts, they will anyway.

    Hope you have fun, and Happy Planning!!
    Beka Lou
  • edited December 2011
    Engagement parties can be seen as gift-giving events, in celebration of the couple.  It's not polite to throw a party to honour yourself.

    "no gifts please" on the invite is also not a great idea.  Gifts shouldn't be referred to anywhere on an invitation.

    If you're in doubt, check over on etiquette.  I'm sure if you do a search you'll find tons of threads on this topic.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Not everything between now and your June, 2012 wedding day has to be about your wedding.  Have a housewarming.  Just don't include wedding stuff.  Have a St. Patrick's Day party~just leave the wedding day out of it.  Host a Mother's Day brunch or Father's Day picnic:  just don't mention wedding.

    Have a 4th of July BBQ, and a Labor Day get together.  Host Thanksgiving and Christmas next year.  Just don't make it about the wedding.

    See where we're going here?  There's no need for everything (or anything for that matter) to be "wedding related" when you're engaged.  It's a sure way to burn all the enthusiasm about your wedding right out of your friends and family.

    GL
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    I say if you want it and you can afford it...DO IT! As the first of 3 daughters to get married, while everyon was "so excited", they weren't excited enough to throw us an engagement party. We were going to throw our own (with no thought of how tacky it was...we are extremely happy and could care less what anyone else thinks" but it just wasn't in the budget. I need the money for the wedding instead. Best of luck!
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_throwing-own-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2eb2952-cc36-4ba5-b8d4-e6233f591fecPost:95b151a5-c5d3-4eb8-b2ce-43cd4243bf59">Re: Throwing own Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I say if you want it and you can afford it...DO IT! As the first of 3 daughters to get married, while everyon was "so excited", they weren't excited enough to throw us an engagement party. We were going to throw our own (with no thought of how tacky it was...we are extremely happy and could care less what anyone else thinks" but it just wasn't in the budget. I need the money for the wedding instead. Best of luck!
    Posted by slave4dance[/QUOTE]

    That's really bad advice.
  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_throwing-own-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2eb2952-cc36-4ba5-b8d4-e6233f591fecPost:95b151a5-c5d3-4eb8-b2ce-43cd4243bf59">Re: Throwing own Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I say if you want it and you can afford it...DO IT! As the first of 3 daughters to get married, while everyon was "so excited", they weren't excited enough to throw us an engagement party. We were going to throw our own (with no thought of how tacky it was...we are extremely happy and could care less what anyone else thinks" but it just wasn't in the budget. I need the money for the wedding instead. Best of luck!
    Posted by slave4dance[/QUOTE]

    LOL...in a very bad way.

    Read: "My family doesn't think I'm soooo speshul enough to throw me a party and give me presents!! Let me throw my own party! To hell with manners!"

    I can see why your family probably didn't want to throw you a party. You sound pretty ungrateful.
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  • edited December 2011
    Ungrateful I am not and I won't sit here and argue with people I don't know who read into things too much and become nasty over it. I

    I gave my opinon and simply stated that if we could afford it, we would've thrown our own regardless that it's not "traditonal" to throw an engagement party for yourself. I dont know why ladies need to be so rude on these posts. It's one thing not to agree but its another to take things the wrong way. Things aren't always traditional and don't need to be that way. If they want to combine a housewarming and engagement party why shouldn't they? Just because everyone else says its wrong? A couple I know threw themselves an engagement party at a bar where people who wanted open bar paid $30. Again that's out of the norm but no one saw an issue with it. No one could afford to throw them a party and they wanted one so they threw it themselves.
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  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_throwing-own-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2eb2952-cc36-4ba5-b8d4-e6233f591fecPost:c0dabc00-1386-474d-94cd-6aa670d3823f">Re: Throwing own Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ungrateful I am not and I won't sit here and argue with people I don't know who read into things too much and become nasty over it. I I gave my opinon and simply stated that if we could afford it, we would've thrown our own regardless that it's not "traditonal" to throw an engagement party for yourself. I dont know why ladies need to be so rude on these posts. It's one thing not to agree but its another to take things the wrong way. Things aren't always traditional and don't need to be that way. If they want to combine a housewarming and engagement party why shouldn't they? Just because everyone else says its wrong? A couple I know threw themselves an engagement party at a bar where people who wanted open bar paid $30. Again that's out of the norm but no one saw an issue with it. No one could afford to throw them a party and they wanted one so they threw it themselves.
    Posted by slave4dance[/QUOTE]

    1) Other people being rude doesn't give you license to be rude.

    2) There is a difference between "traditional" and "polite". You're obviously confusing the two.
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  • edited December 2011

    You're not worth arguing with. Clearly you're confusing the two as I wasn't being rude or impolite. If she wants the party she can have one regardless who is the host. Most weddings aren't even traditional anymore, I don't see why an engagement party has to be either. They are excited to be engaged and to be able to buy a house...what is wrong with mixing the two? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

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  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_throwing-own-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2eb2952-cc36-4ba5-b8d4-e6233f591fecPost:17122e81-d359-44eb-9055-50a31c177f70">Re: Throwing own Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're not worth arguing with. Clearly you're confusing the two as I wasn't being rude or impolite. If she wants the party she can have one regardless who is the host. Most weddings aren't even traditional anymore, I don't see why an engagement party has to be either. They are excited to be engaged and to be able to buy a house...what is wrong with mixing the two? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
    Posted by slave4dance[/QUOTE]

    Obviously I'm worth it as you just can't help yourself and keep coming back to defend what you're doing. If you're so convinced of your own righteousness, then what are you here for?

    It's rude to throw an engagement party for yourself. It's a party where presents are generally expected and it's in your honor. It's tacky and pretty arrogant. It's also rude to expect your family to do it and then be put out that they didn't. It's not like it's a requirement.

    Traditions are just things that have been done a certain way for a long time for no other reason than a lot of other people do it that way. Not because there's any etiquette saying it has to be done that way.
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  • edited December 2011

    I was attacked in the mocking of how she read my opinion. I'm sticking to what I think about throwing an engagement party and everyone here is entitled to their opinion. If people aren't allowed their own opinions then what is the point in having these boards and people brainstorming their ideas?

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  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I thought you weren't sticking around?
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_throwing-own-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2eb2952-cc36-4ba5-b8d4-e6233f591fecPost:17122e81-d359-44eb-9055-50a31c177f70">Re: Throwing own Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're not worth arguing with. Clearly you're confusing the two as I wasn't being rude or impolite. If she wants the party she can have one regardless who is the host. Most weddings aren't even traditional anymore, I don't see why an engagement party has to be either. They are excited to be engaged and to be able to buy a house...what is wrong with mixing the two? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
    Posted by slave4dance[/QUOTE]

    But we're not talking about tradition here. Yes, traditions have changed, but etiquette has not.

    Etiquette is a set of behaviors that govern how you treat people in a society. Etiquette states that you do not throw a party in your own honor. An engagement party is thrown in honor of a couple on the announcement of their engagement. So it should not be hosted by the couple themselves.

    As RetreadBride stated earlier, a housewarming party is more of a reception, when a couple opens their new home to receive visitors and show them the house.

    So, yes, she could throw her own engagement party (which she has wisely chosen not to do) but she would be going against etiquette and that is considered rude.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_throwing-own-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:e2eb2952-cc36-4ba5-b8d4-e6233f591fecPost:1753c12a-f127-4fae-91c3-f39ed8054baf">Re: Throwing own Engagement party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was attacked in the mocking of how she read my opinion. I'm sticking to what I think about throwing an engagement party and everyone here is entitled to their opinion. If people aren't allowed their own opinions then what is the point in having these boards and people brainstorming their ideas?
    Posted by slave4dance[/QUOTE]



    The issue is that your opinion goes directly against what is proper etiquette. You don't have to like it, but the fact is that it isn't appropriate to host your own engagement party or any party in honor of yourself.

    You've confused tradition and etiquette as Manwa has already stated. I recommend that you look them up.

    Yes, this is a forum to share opinions. It's also one where concepts should be understood by others before the ill-informed ignorantly advise.
  • deb84deb84 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    E-party : NO. 

    Housewarming party: Yes.

    To me an engagement party is more of a gift giving event (not sure though as I have never been to one-they aren't popular in my area/group of friends/family) where as a housewarming party is just to show off your new house and have fun with family and friends.  A few people brought us bottles of wine and small gifts but they weren't expected let alone required.  Most people just came, ate, drank, had fun and left. It was very casual.
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  • edited December 2011
    I just wanted to say that after reading the discussion and comments, I can see why people would feel attacked.  No one would want someone else to call them rude or ungrateful, especially when the person doesn't even know the other.  People seem to "gang up" on others who have differing opinions, so it's not surprising for someone to get defensive.  It's okay for someone to say "I don't agree; from my experience and what I've read, people should not host their own engagement party, but that's my opinion".  But when people repeatedly use the word rude, call someone ungrateful, or give other hurtful comments about an idea, that's getting personal. 

    I threw my own engagement party and I know that I am far from being a selfish, rude, tacky, ungrateful person.  Anyone that personally knows me would say the complete opposite.  Fortunately in my case (and in the case of many others) engagement partieswhere I live are often thrown by the couples themselves, and ppl don't ever feel obligated to bring gifts.  Friends/family are usually super excited when a couple gets engaged and cannot wait to get together with the couple to hear about "how it all happenned", see the ring, celebrate, etc.  And while no one specifically came out and said those unkind words to me- I felt a little defensive myself- just because I knew I threw my own party and that there was nothing wrong about it. 

    Sorry for the lengthy comment, but I could not read the conversation and say nothing when I felt I had something to say.  I just think people should be mindful of each other and how words come across.  :-)
  • ManwaithielManwaithiel member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    According to etiquette, you were wrong in throwing your own party. If no one care, then good for you.

    People come here to ask about the etiquette ramifications of what they're doing. An engagement part is typically a party thrown in honor of the couple. Gifts are usually expected whether they be from the registry or in the form of a check. The WHOLE party is about honoring the couple.

    If someone comes on here and asks about throwing their own engagement party, people will tell them that throwing one is rude. If you come on here saying you wanted to throw your own because your parents didn't throw you one in a way implying that you were OWED one because they should have been SO excited...you're going to be called rude. What you did/wanted to do was a rude thing as far as etiquette goes. Just because people may have accepted it or it's common to do something rude in "your area" (and I caution you to use that reasoning as I'm sure we could find someone on here from your area who would say that an e-party throw by the couple is rude) doesn't make it less so. No one's saying YOU'RE a rude person. But the action is rude. It just is. Until that changes, the answer will remain the same. It's not going to change just because you come on here and say "Everyone ELSE is doing it!" (I guarantee not EVERYONE is) or "But EVERYBODY is sooo excited and they WANT us to throw an e-party (I also guarantee that not EVERYBODY wants you to throw a party and they'd be just fine if you didn't).

    Anyway, if you don't face any repercussions for doing something rude, then good for you. But all PPs are saying is that it IS rude to do and acting like you're entitled to one is just as bad. And if people end up pissed off wth you because of what you did, then they would be right to be pissed because you are, in the end, being rude. No matter what kind of person you are. That detail is completely unrelated to the issue.
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