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Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to discreetly/properly convey the formality of the event?

Hi all,

From the get-go, FI and I knew we wanted an outdoor, non-religious ceremony. We live in the wine country in CA and neither of us feels tied to a religion, so this makes perfect sense for us. Our outdoor venue is called " *** Farms and Gardens", since it is neither a church nor a winery, but an outdoor setup. But I am aiming for a "simple elegant" affair. No black tie, no black tie optional. I just hope that people understand that we're classy and are hosting a classy outdoor event. Catered meal, open bar, ball gown, tuxes for the FI and GMs, etc.

Normally, I wholeheartedly trust my guests to dress themselves (and to accept any reactions to their appearances, which are not on me). But I recently learned that my mother's two sisters thought that the event was to be quite casual. One of my aunts asked my mother if I would even be wearing a wedding dress (I have a ball gown!), given the atmosphere. My mom assured her that, yes, I would be in a fairly formal gown, as it is a semi formal event.

I don't hold it personally against these women, but I'm wondering if I'm doing something to give the impression of a casual backyard get-up? I hope all the guests aren't thinking the same things. (Invites have yet to be ordered/sent, btw.)

I know it's not right to explicitly state the formality of the event anywhere, but what else conveys the formality if not a church? TIA.
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Re: How to discreetly/properly convey the formality of the event?

  • Traditionally, the invitations conveyed the formality of the event. Don't choose something whimsical. Go with ivory and black engraving/thermography, something along those lines. 
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  • The formality of your invitations.  It can also be spread via word of mouth like your mom did with her sisters.
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  • Deliever the formality through the invitation.  Other than that it can be by word of mouth.  
  • LeenieLaneLeenieLane member
    100 Comments First Anniversary
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_discreetlyproperly-convey-formality-of-event?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e295f592-20f0-4463-9df0-0481aad55866Post:2e63696c-6253-457f-b1ff-1a0a8c1a23a3">Re: How to discreetly/properly convey the formality of the event?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Traditionally, the invitations conveyed the formality of the event. Don't choose something whimsical. Go with ivory and black engraving/thermography, something along those lines. 
    Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]



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  • Ditto PPs on the invitations. Also, what time is your wedding? I would assume an outside wedding was casual, regardless of invitations, if it was held early in the day. I wouldn't expect ball gowns or tuxedos for a wedding before 5-6 pm but I live on the other side of the country so things might be different here.

    Oh, and just for the record, casual/backyard weddings can also be classy. That part of your post was a little off-putting.
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  • I would vote for word-of-mouth here.  I admit that if I went to a wedding at a place called "Farm and Gardens" during the day, I would probably scale-back my attire.  The formality of your invitations should be a big clue.

    Also, I'm curious about people's opinions on this:  when my cousin got married she included a "what should I wear" secion of her website, where she basically recommended that people dress as they would on a fancy dinner date, because that's essentially what it was:-)   She's a professinoal writer, so her website was very well written and comical in many places. As a guest I certainly didin't take any offense to it (to be honest I found it very helpful), but after looking on here I wonder if what she did was technically correct.
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  • SCogs18SCogs18 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited February 2012
    Be sure to buy formal invitations.  On my save the date I included a link to our wedding website.  On the website, under "Guest Information" I have links to hotel block information and at the very bottom there is a section called "Attire."  The country club where we are hosting the wedding has a dress code, so there is a short note that reads "The attire for our wedding is black tie optional.  Dark suits or tuxedos are appropriate for the gentlemen, while cocktail dresses or long gowns will be appropriate for the ladies."

    I'm not sure this is totally proper (and thankfully it's very easy to delete), but guest really have search it out to find it.  So far it has recieved a positive response.  Plus, I don't want to risk a guest being turned away by the country club staff.

    Also tell your familles/close friends/bridal party what is appropriate to wear so they can answer any guest's questions if asked.
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  • Cogs, in your specific case, you are okay to post something about the attire as there is a dress code for your venue.  Generaly speaking, however, you do not post information like that.
  • SCogs, I agree that it's ok to post something if your venue has a dress code, but will the country club turn people away if they're in a lighter suit, or a jacket and tie?  Did you list the country club's dress code, or your hope for what people will wear?
  • As yaga mentioned, if you have a wedding website, include a link to the venue as well as a couple of pictures. That way people will see that it's not a "farm" as in they will have to wear boots to sift through muddy, smelly manure. As a guest, I like to see where I'm going ahead of time anyway if I'm not familar with it.

    And just have your mother and whoever else fields questions about the wedding gently disperse any wrong assumptions if people bring it up like your aunt did. It's not rude to bring up attire if someone asks.
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  • The two biggest clues are ceremony & reception time- evening is more formal than morning or afternoon; and invitations- black script on ivory and use inner and outer envelopes.

    I would also include pictures of your venue on your wedding website.
  • You really shouldn't mention attire on the invitations.  Most people will have the common sense to dress appropriately.
  • Let family members spread the word and have your invitations reflect the formality.

    But keep in mind that you can't dictate how people dress nor will you be able to regulate everyone's attire.  And it really won't matter.  If someone shows up in overalls and no shirt then they look dumb, not you. 


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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    Make the invites very traditional & formal.
     
    Plus, I assume you are having an evening wedding (b/c of the Tuxs), so an out door evening wedding would be more formal in  my head then an afternoon affair.

    Also if a guests looks up the venue on the internet does it give the formal vibe?As a guest, I normally google the venue & get an idea of the venue's dress code by their website. If the venue's website is formal  looking, I think guests will understand.

    Don't put attire/dress code anywhere as it is rude to assume guests can't dress themselves properly. If a guest is unsure they will ask you or your family like those women did.

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