XP: How to get out of it? - Long. Sorry.

PrincessPeach17 · August 2011

A close family member is getting married in October. Not my sister, but close enough. My husband and I are pretty close to her and her FI, and we really are overjoyed for them! I'm a bridesmaid, but don't want to be for a number of reasons:

1. She never asked me to be a bridesmaid, just assumed that I would.

2. The dresses she chose: http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Satin-Halter-with-Long-Satin-A-Line-Skirt-83571-83387_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Long-Bridesmaid-Dresses

The desses themselves are not so bad, but I am 4'11, and six months pregnant. Instead of letting me get a different style of dress, she just said that I can get a bigger size and have it altered, because all of her "girls" *have* to match. Really? This dress is uncomfortable NOW... what is it going to be like in two months? Not to mention the fact that I will look utterly ridiculous.

3. The shoes she chose: http://www.unforgettablemoments.com/Clio-Dyeable-Peep-Toe_p_146.html

Three-inch heels. Again, I am six months pregnant, and will be eight at the time of the wedding. But all of her girls *have* to match. Back pain...no, agony, anyone?

4. Her wedding venue is two hours away. She insists the the entire WP get a room at the hotel where the wedding will be held for both Friday and Saturday nights (it's a Saturday evening wedding) at $169 a night. Without our significant others (my DH is not in the WP) on Friday night. She wants this so that we can whoop it up on Friday night (wedding is at a hotel/casino) and also so she "doesn't have to worry about whether or not 'her girls' make it up on time." The hotel for both nights is to be on our dime.

5. She has insisted that all of "her girls" have long hair at the wedding so that we can all go to this certain stylist in the city that is two hours away and we will pay for our own hair/makeup that she is dictating that we wear a certain way.

Now, I know that I should have spoken up sooner, but I really thought that I would be able to deal with this until this weekend when two things came up: First, I found out how much the dress alterations are going to be, and second, she came up with the part about not having our SO's there on Friday night.

I am trying to be nice and accomodating, and not make it the "PrincessPeach and her baby show," but I am uncomfortable as it is. The idea of spending a night two hours away from my H in an unfamiliar bed while I am in my delivery window is more than I can take. Especially since it's so she basically can have a bach party the night before... I wouldn't even take part in it since I can't drink.

I've tried to talk to her, and she is being completely unreasonable. How do I drop out of the WP without damaging the friendship, especially since she is like a sister to me? She did a lot for me at my wedding, but this is long enough. I will elaborate only if you ask me to.

HELP!!!

ETA: XP with a couple of other boards.

AutumnFair · August 2011

Alright if she isn't understanding in talking to her then there is a good chance that she isn't as good as person as you think she is because she is being VERY unreasonable.

Basically, call her up or see her and say, "friend, as much as I love you. I do not feel comfortable in being a BM anymore, so I am taking myself out as a BM". Hopefully she will understand and won't be too hurt that you drop out. She might be peeved at first, but give her a little time to cool down and try to hang out with her. If she holds this to you, then I'm sorry to say you are much better without her.

I'm very sorry you are going through this, weddings can really bring out the worse in people, specially Brides.

jerseydevil · August 2011

She sounds very unreasonable all around! Sorry you are dealing with such an inconsiderate friend. : (

I would personally step down, if I were you. That's so much to deal with for one celebration.

ETA: Sorry! I missed the point of your post! To get out of it, I would politely call her up and tell her that as much as you would love to stand up for her, you just don't feel comfortable doing so any more, but you look forward to attending her wedding as a guest.

Muffin'sMom · August 2011

Ask your doc for a note

Just kidding...sort of. Send her a lovely hand written letter. Calling means easier to argue and email is to quick to answer while you are upset. Tell her how much you love her, and how honored you are that she wanted you to be with her on this most important day of her life. Then explain that after consultation with your OB, you feel it is better for you to just attend as a guest. With your due date so close, you do not want something to happen that would take you out of the party at the last minute, and that your doc is not comfortable with you being away from home without a family member at that point in your pregnancy. Tell her that, baby willing, you will be there to celebrate with all your love...but from the sidelines.

lucy2113 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_out-of-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f23d6e4c-6e8b-41d8-af6f-314e5acf9b0cPost:56f03a26-da56-45e5-8235-40cbecc522b6">Re: XP: How to get out of it? - Long. Sorry.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ask your doc for a note Just kidding...sort of. <strong>Send her a lovely hand written letter. Calling means easier to argue and email is to quick to answer while you are upset. Tell her how much you love her, and how honored you are that she wanted you to be with her on this most important day of her life. </strong> Then explain that after consultation with your OB, you feel it is better for you to just attend as a guest. With your due date so close, you do not want something to happen that would take you out of the party at the last minute, and that your doc is not comfortable with you being away from home without a family member at that point in your pregnancy. <strong> Tell her that, baby willing, you will be there to celebrate with all your love...but from the sidelines.</strong>
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]<div>
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</div><div>This^^ I agree completely with Muffin's Mom. Good Luck! I hope that thing work out.</div><div><div>
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PrincessPeach17 · August 2011

First of all, thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses! Some of the suggestions made might work, some might not.

I read back over my OP, which I should have done before, and I realized that I did not stress enough that this is still a family member, not just a friend, so there are other people's feelings that have to be taken into account here. Her mother is deceased, otherwise I would talk with her about it.

The thing is that I know that she will go back to being herself once the wedding is over, so I am desperately trying to do this without damaging the friendship. I also realize that I am hormonal, and that is probably contributing to how I feel.

I still want to attend the wedding, and I don't even mind helping out with a few things, if she needs me to. I just don't want to be IN the wedding.

Kayla christopherson · August 2011

I would get a note from my doctor saying that high heels are not a good idea! Then i would tell her that logiclly being away from your husband at that time would be unwise! What if you went into labor?
Have you tried finding another seamstress? It doesn't hurt to shop around.
If you could get a cheaper seamstress, would staying in the hotel, and the hair be easer for you to afford?
Lastly, i have a BM in my wedding that will be 6 months pregnant and i hope im sure not be unreasonable to her. Maybe ill ask.....

RkyMountainRose · August 2011

Don't forget that YOU still get to make some choices here. Honestly, what is going to happen if your husband comes up and stays with you anyway? If you are paying for the room, who is she to dictate who stays in it? DB is pretty good about things... if you haven't already paid for your alterations, see if you can exchange your dress without the Bridezilla knowing about it, and the same with the shoes. This (clicky) one looks like it would be much more comfortable (I have too much time on my hands, plus I feel sorry for you because I'm in a similar situation with a Bridezilla).

In the end, what is the worst thing that can happen? You get kicked out of the WP? Based on the title of this thread, isn't that kind of what you want anyway?

Just a thought...

Keelsmarks · August 2011

So this bride is being completely unreasonable with a side of crazy. A couple of thoughts and handling this with love and honesty.

1. Don't email/ write her a letter. If you truly care, talk to her. If someone wrote me a letter about departing from my bridal party and didn't call me, I'd feel that just didn't care enough to make the call. Difficult news requires being able to hear tone and address the other parties feelings. It may be hardier, but a good friend deserves that respect and honesty.

2. Don't change the shoes and dress without talking to her. She'll most likely feel slighted and undermined. Neither of which are going to bode well for your friendship.

3. Your are going to be VERY pregnant and that pretty much trumps everything. Being uncomfortable, without S/O and spending $$$ isn't fair to ask you as you prepare to start your family. Let her know that you simply can't spend the money, wear the getup, or be without your S/O so close the due date. Baby > Wedding

If she loves you, she'll understand. One of my bridesmaids is pregnant and I can't imagine making her wear a dress that she hates, shoes that would kill her feet, and spend beaucoup bucks right before her due date. She's wearing flip flips which I don't love, but I love her more.

Good luck!

XP: How to get out of it? - Long. Sorry.

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