How involved should the Bridesmaids be?

nymeria16 · September 2011

I am currently a BM for the second time. And I plan on being engaged in the not too distant future. In both weddings I have been in, I have not been very involved.

The first time, I was a BM and the MOH did not talk to me. I got a text one day saying to stop by and get fitted for a dress. Then later a text saying the dresses were in. Me and another BM put on a Bachlorette party because the MOH would not speak to us. I missed the shower because her sisters put it on and did not tell me till two days before and I could not get off work.

This time, I have been more involved. I helped at the shower her mother put on and the Bachlorette weekend with the other BMs. When I hang out with the bride she tells me how nice it is to take a break from wedding things, so I do not ask about it.

When I get engaged, I kind of expected my BM to help out and offer suggestions on things, like my dress, BM dresses, accessories, food, colors, ect. Am I expecting too much?

His mother is no longer alive, and my mother is not well enough to help. I was kind of counting on my friends to fill that space a bit. Should I start looking for an alternative source to help with the wedding when it comes?

sister2groom · September 2011

You are expecting too much. I know some girls might like to help you in those ways, but its not fair of you to expect them to or be in any way annoyed if they aren't those types of girls. Honestly if you want to be able to expect help on planning details you need to hire a wedding planner or look to your FI for help.

renegade gaucho · September 2011

Beyond buying the dress and showing up for the wedding, bridesmaids are not obligated to be involved with the wedding at all. If they want to help you plan, they'll do it. You can ask for help if you need it, but they have the right to decline. You and your fiance really should be doing the bulk of the planning, and if anyone else offers to help, it's a bonus.

jagore08 · September 2011

That's nice that you want to do things like this for your friends but it's not required from your BM. You and your FI are getting married, therefore, you and your FI should plan the wedding. If you feel that you need more help and you and your FI can provide, hiring a wedding planner is a great option.

LoveMuffins · September 2011

They are as involved as they want to be. I think it sounds like you're expecting too much, and you need to lower your expectations. I'm not saying that your friends won't do those things, but that you shouldn't expect them to... you should take it as the nice surprise/favor that it is if they do them for you.

When I'm a BM, I'm very involved. I plan showers / bach parties / help with invitations / offer to go shopping / constantly ask what I can do to help. As a bride, I will occasionally let my BMs know "I'm doing such-and-such on Saturday, if anyone wants to come help me out I'll feed you dinner!". Sometimes some of them do. Sometimes some of them are busy. Sometimes I realize it would be easier to do it myself. But what they are doing are gifts / favors to me and I fully appreciate them. I certainly don't expect or require any of it from them.

AutumnFair · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_involved-should-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e50d53b-7f6e-4cdd-a715-b15221c49ab0Post:504340fb-dd33-415e-aabe-c8557c949991">How involved should the Bridesmaids be?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am currently a BM for the second time. And I plan on being engaged in the not too distant future. In both weddings I have been in, I have not been very involved. The first time, I was a BM and the MOH did not talk to me. I got a text one day saying to stop by and get fitted for a dress. Then later a text saying the dresses were in. Me and another BM put on a Bachlorette party because the MOH would not speak to us. I missed the shower because her sisters put it on and did not tell me till two days before and I could not get off work. This time, I have been more involved. I helped at the shower her mother put on and the Bachlorette weekend with the other BMs. When I hang out with the bride she tells me how nice it is to take a break from wedding things, so I do not ask about it. <strong>When I get engaged, I kind of expected my BM to help out and offer suggestions on things, like my dress, BM dresses, accessories, food, colors, ect. Am I expecting too much?</strong> His mother is no longer alive, and my mother is not well enough to help. I was kind of counting on my friends to fill that space a bit. <strong>Should I start looking for an alternative source to help with the wedding when it comes?</strong>
Posted by nymeria16[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes. No bride should have the expectation that their friend needs to help plan their wedding. It's a party about you and your FI, nothing more. So the responsibility on planning and executing the wedding is on you and your FI. There are many people out there and possibly your friends who love wedding or event planning but there are some people who definitely do not. So you just have to remember even though this is a big step and deal to you, for most people (including some friends and family) it isn't so try not to set "expectations" for your BMs. Like other PP said, as long as they get their dress and are ready the day of your wedding that is their only true responsibility. </div><div>
</div><div>As for who to talk to about planning. The main person you need to involve is your FI since this is his party too. He may not want to be involve in certain things but it doesn't matter it is his responsibility to help you (unless you hire a wedding planner). If you feel indecisive on things, theknot boards are a great place to bounce ideas or get suggestions for certain things. Believe or not, most of us here love wedding stuff and are more than happy to help brides who need some ideas or suggestions. Wedding stuff never gets old here, so you can share as much as you want here and we won't be rolling over bored like your friends (possibily) or even FI might be. </div><div>
</div>

MairePoppy · September 2011

It's okay to tell your bms when you are going shopping for your dress and other appointments and let them know they are welcome. Any assistance from your bms should be voluntary, though, don't make them feel like you expect their help. It would be nice if some of your friends are the types of women that enjoy wedding planning.

LittleMissCutiePie · September 2011

As long as you take "Expect" out of that sentence, and opt for "Ask", you're fine. No BM is required or should be expected to be involved with the wedding beyond showing up in a dress you agree upon. If you ask for assistance, they have the right to decline. So, don't expect, but be prepared to ask. If you ask, and they say no, that it completely in their right. Also, don't ask for pre-wedding parties; major faux pas.

gananoque · September 2011

I think some of the pp's are a little harsh. Of course I agree that no bride should expect any BM to be super involved in wedding planning. However, it sounds like you're just hoping to have at least one close friend by your side to enjoy the planning process with. I understand this. I had my sister to fill this role for me and now I'm able to reciprote as her MOH.

I think the key might be who you choose to be in your bridal party. If you have a particular friend whom you know is interested in doing these things and has expressed as much to you, she might be great for this role!

Brides ask people to be BMs for a number of different reasons. Some BMs are family like sisters, SILs and cousins. Others might be chosen because they are the kind of women you know you can count on to help with things like planning, etc. Just factors these in when selecting your bridal party.

AutumnFair · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_involved-should-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e50d53b-7f6e-4cdd-a715-b15221c49ab0Post:5039f043-6210-4552-80b8-eaf0473a50ad">Re: How involved should the Bridesmaids be?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think some of the pp's are a little harsh. Of course I agree that no bride should expect any BM to be super involved in wedding planning. However, it sounds like you're just hoping to have at least one close friend by your side to enjoy the planning process with. I understand this. I had my sister to fill this role for me and now I'm able to reciprote as her MOH<strong>. I think the key might be who you choose to be in your bridal party. If you have a particular friend whom you know is interested in doing these things and has expressed as much to you, she might be great for this role! </strong>Brides ask people to be BMs for a number of different reasons. Some BMs are family like sisters, SILs and cousins. Others might be chosen because they are the kind of women you know you can count on to help with things like planning, etc. Just factors these in when selecting your bridal party.
Posted by gananoque[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm sorry but your assessment that BM is a position is WRONG. BM is just a title you give your closest friends and family (and sometimes a nice gesture for Future-siblings-in-laws), NOT free slave labor to plan your wedding. I can tell you right now that we get many Brides here who have problems because they did what you are suggesting, then when the certain BM isn't all excited as you thought they be and not talking or helping the Bride wants to kick them out. </div><div>
</div><div>People have their own lives that keep them busy, they should not be expected to drop everything to work on a wedding that isn't theirs. I will say that most the time when a Bride picks her dearest friends and family many DO like to talk wedding but once again no Bride should be forcing, guilt trip, or expect that a friend should be focus 24/7 on the bride.</div><div>
</div><div>This isn't harsh advise, it is reality. A wedding is not something everyone is interested, we see it more with men, but women are no exception and just because a bride picks them for a BM doesn't mean that they need to listen to bride blab about her wedding every time the two talk. Many brides lose focus about what a wedding is about, it is not the glamour of details, it is just one day celebrating the marriage of two people and sharing with family/friends. The more "expectations" the bride puts on people specially her BMs (who are close friends and family) the higher the chance that drama can occur.

</div>

EmilyEastondotcom · September 2011

Ask your friends for opinions, help, etc. If those friends also happen to be bridesmaids, so much the better! You'll know how to ask ... without making it a summons. Friends usually like to be involved in friends' lives and we should all know when to not overdue.

DanieKA · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_involved-should-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e50d53b-7f6e-4cdd-a715-b15221c49ab0Post:d5455de3-9cfc-47c5-b16e-8d7acb78b384">Re: How involved should the Bridesmaids be?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's okay to tell your bms when you are going shopping for your dress and other appointments and let them know they are welcome. Any assistance from your bms should be voluntary, though, don't make them feel like you expect their help. It would be nice if some of your friends are the types of women that enjoy wedding planning.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I think you just have to communicate CLEARLY with them. If you want to go dress shopping and would like to have your BM's there, just ask them. No, you shouldn't expect it, but if you let them know you'd love to have them along, and maybe see when they are free they would probably be much more likely to accept the invite. </div><div>
</div><div>If you want advice, go ahead and ask. Ask them what they think of colors, or flowers, or venue, just like you would any friend. But it's not their job to make a decision, and if they happen to be a bit too busy one day, or on one thing to give an opinion, don't be upset. Just understand the the ultimate decisions are up to you and your fiance. Having their opinion is nice, but it's not their job. </div><div>
</div><div>I think you'll be fine. Just be open with them on things you would like them to be a part of, but don't expect it, and remember, it's your wedding. Be careful what you wish for because if you have BM's who are opinionated and controlling you might see your ideas and your wants being shot down by an opinioned BM. I'm sure there's a good balance you can come to. GL!</div>

jemmini6 · September 2011

There is a big difference between "hopes" and "expectations". You can certianly hope that your friends will want to do things with you, but you can't expect them to. Meaning, you can't get upset if they can't or just don't want to. And definitely do NOT select your bridesmaids based on how much you think they can do for you, you should select them because they are your closest friend and that's it.

CellaBowi · September 2011

Re-post (autumn fair)I'm sorry but your assessment that BM is a position is WRONG. BM is just a title you give your closest friends and family (and sometimes a nice gesture for Future-siblings-in-laws), NOT free slave labor to plan your wedding. I can tell you right now that we get many Brides here who have problems because they did what you are suggesting, then when the certain BM isn't all excited as you thought they be and not talking or helping the Bride wants to kick them out.
People have their own lives that keep them busy, they should not be expected to drop everything to work on a wedding that isn't theirs. I will say that most the time when a Bride picks her dearest friends and family many DO like to talk wedding but once again no Bride should be forcing, guilt trip, or expect that a friend should be focus 24/7 on the bride.
This isn't harsh advise, it is reality. A wedding is not something everyone is interested, we see it more with men, but women are no exception and just because a bride picks them for a BM doesn't mean that they need to listen to bride blab about her wedding every time the two talk. Many brides lose focus about what a wedding is about, it is not the glamour of details, it is just one day celebrating the marriage of two people and sharing with family/friends. The more "expectations" the bride puts on people specially her BMs (who are close friends and family) the higher the chance that drama can occur.

So, that above statement does seem harsh. I don't think there's anything wrong with picking out a bridesmaid because 1) she's close to you and a good friend and 2) she is excited about helping you getting things ready for your wedding. Maybe not all brides maids should be picked out for this reason, and you shouldn't expect all of your BMs to help in this way, but if you know someone who will and would like to then why not? Sometimes, I think people respond to brides as though they believe they are going to end up being Bridezillas. You seem like a nice person, who wants to do things for your friends, and are just wondering if you can ask them to do some things in return. There's nothing wrong with having this question, and she shouldn't be attacked for not knowing.
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jemmini6 · September 2011

Cella - it appears you are relatively new, so I just wanted to give you a quick tip for future reference. You don't need to copy & paste a post to respond to it, if you hit the 'Quote' button next to the 'Reply' button in the person's post who you want to respond to, it will quote it for you. Then you just type your response below the "[/QUOTE]" part. HTH.

As for what your response was, I think the general point people are trying to make is that if you have a friend who's been super close to you for years, but she openly doesn't like wedding planning, then you shouldn't NOT choose her to be in your WP just because she likely won't help do a lot of stuff. Likewise, if you have a sort of acquaintance who just loves weddings and jumps at the opportunity to do stuff, you shouldn't make her a bridesmaid just because she will help, even though you have other people you are closer to. KWIM?

I think a majority of people are somewhere in between those two extremes anyways, but that's why it's safer to just tell people to pick who you are the closest to and go from there. Some might be more willing to help with wedding planning than others, but they will all be there to support you on your wedding day which is the main purpose of a BM.

AutumnFair · September 2011

So are you saying that if a very close friend shouldn't be pick because you think they might not do stuff for your wedding? Or a random not really close person should be a bridesmaid just because they like to plan and discuss wedding stuff? I hope you can see where I'm going. A bride really shouldn't pick based on what a person is or isn't going to do for you. Like others have said, pick the people who are close to you and then just leave certain things as open invitations.

hboo2011 · September 2011

When I get engaged, I kind of expected my BM to help out and offer suggestions on things, like my dress, BM dresses, accessories, food, colors, ect. Am I expecting too much?

A friend of mine stood up in a wedding over the summer and the bride, although was nice about everything, expected way to much from my friend (& other bridesmaids). She constantly asked opinions on foods, colors, her dresses, shoes, tuxes, emailed almost weekly different ideas, colors, decorations, etc. My friend was counting down the days until the wedding, not in a good way. Don't do this to your bridesmaids.

I can assure you that no one will care about your wedding as much as you do. I respect that you will not have the help from his mom/your mom, but to expect your bridesmaids to do anything but show up in the right dress is not realistic.

Their dresses- you pick a color, let them pick a style. THey'll appreciate you thinking of them not having to all fit into the same style dress.

As far as food- let this be an experience you and your fiance have.

If you have any other ideas/questions/things you want to run by people, ask us. We're all/have been brides here. We'd be more than happy to help you. Don't bombard your friends with much else besides the style of dress they want and where to show up.

Good luck with planning!

NurseyK · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_involved-should-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e50d53b-7f6e-4cdd-a715-b15221c49ab0Post:504340fb-dd33-415e-aabe-c8557c949991">How involved should the Bridesmaids be?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am currently a BM for the second time. And I plan on being engaged in the not too distant future. In both weddings I have been in, I have not been very involved. The first time, I was a BM and the MOH did not talk to me. I got a text one day saying to stop by and get fitted for a dress. Then later a text saying the dresses were in. Me and another BM put on a Bachlorette party because the MOH would not speak to us. I missed the shower because her sisters put it on and did not tell me till two days before and I could not get off work. This time, I have been more involved. I helped at the shower her mother put on and the Bachlorette weekend with the other BMs. When I hang out with the bride she tells me how nice it is to take a break from wedding things, so I do not ask about it. When I get engaged, I kind of expected my BM to help out and offer suggestions on things, like my dress, BM dresses, accessories, food, colors, ect. Am I expecting too much? His mother is no longer alive, and my mother is not well enough to help. I was kind of counting on my friends to fill that space a bit. Should I start looking for an alternative source to help with the wedding when it comes?
Posted by nymeria16[/QUOTE]

I say cross this bridge when you get engaged. Cart before horse.

You never know who will be in your life at that point.

How involved should the Bridesmaids be?

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