Family actually laughed...feelings somewhat hurt

Andrealsuarez · March 2012

So my FI and I are hosting ($$ by ourselves) a very causal backyard wedding within our budget. I am having it catered, but I have to buy my own liquor and drinks. My FI's family has NEVER been to a causal wedding before let alone an outdoor wedding. So everytime I tell them oh we are doing this and that they actually laugh....in my face. Like i said I was having cupcakes which is very "in" right now....they laughed because iI was not having a traditional wedding cake. I told them I was going to have a tent incase of rain.....they laughed again in my face and said what if its down pouring and how I will have a terrible wedding that people will be talking about for years....again this is all to my face. I said it was buffet style again the laughter from now I have to wait on line for food. BUT my family nothing they all understand that wedding (when you have to do it on your own) are very expensive. They are happy and cannot wait to come and just enjoy the day for what we are actually getting together for and my FI's family thinks its the biggest joke....I use to just brush it off but now I am really becoming a bit upset. Has anyone eles had this issue?

OBX2011 · March 2012

I would simply avoid all wedding talk with the FIL's. If they mention it or bring it up, just say "I haven't decided yet" or "I think we have everything figured out" or anything to stop the conversation.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

I'd lose that half the guest list.

But really, maybe they could fork over some dough and help you out if your budget wedding is to "cheap" for them. Bah! I'd be pissy too. Agree with PP, just don't discuss it with them, and, if they bring it up and laugh, just flat out call them out on their sh!t, "I think its pretty rude that you're making a joke out of something I've put a lot of thought into." That's me though, I don't let people treat me like that.

i'm sure your wedding will be beautiful and you'll make them all eat their words.

DreamCLG7 · March 2012

oh, i'm kind of in the same boat. we're also doing a casual backyard reception that we're hosting ourselves. my SIL laughed because I want to do a s'mores bar (what? people are going to poke their eyes out!) FIL doesn't want us to have it in the country outside (what if it's cold, what if it rains, older folks can navigate in the grass, is your tent big enough?) my mom is complaining because i'm not getting top-of-the-line porta potties.. it just goes on and on. i just ignore it. I know our wedding is going to be a lot of fun and it's totally "us". Even if we had unlimited funds (which we don't lol) I wouldn't change it.

MJandDL · March 2012

Wow that is incredibly rude. I would probably be snarky back to them and ask them if they would like to hand me a check for $30,000 so I can plan a wedding that meets their approval. Of course I don't recommend doing that - it was just my reaction to the situation. But I would consider saying something the next time they joke that way because it's obviously bothering you. Even if it's just a simple "that comment really hurts my feelings and I don't appreciate it."

MrsGarrett87 · March 2012

That sucks. But, be proud of what you and your FI create. It's going to work out.

My MIL side eyed EVERYTHING we did for our BBQ Picnic wedding. I just kept conversations to a minimum regarding the wedding plans, but tried look for ways for her to help out. And when things got a little uncomfortable, I just said, It may not make sense to you now, but just wait for the good day we're going to have!

Come wedding day, she had A BLAST! So did all of her traditional family - many who had never been to a wedding outside of a church. It was seriously SOOO different for them. But having them all tell her how fun and relaxing it was, just felt like pure "justice" from all her pre wedding eye rolls!

Madisonpenny · March 2012

Have they ever treated you like this in other areas of your life? Like maybe about your job? your family? personal views on hot topics?
I agree that's incredibly rude and I'm wondering, has you FI not stood up to them? He really should, this is his wedding too and they are laughing not just you but him too.
They sound like snobs.

brittanyacklie · March 2012

That's so tough, I understand. My FI's family is from California and I was born and raised in Texas, my FI keeps saying how culture shocked his family that is traveling here is going to be when they have to drive half a mile past fields off of the highway to get to the wedding site. We are in college so obviously our budget is tight (We are also paying for our own wedding). I am making the majority of the decorations myself with help from family. When I showed his mother and older sister the centerpiece I made the reaction was "Oh...that's cute..." they hardly tried to pretend they thought it was pretty at all, it was very disheartening. In my FI's words "My family just doesn't like anything that isn't bought". You just have to choose to focus your energy on those who support you and understand. I spend a lot of time talking to my parents, aunts, bridesmaids and sisters because they are all thrilled and it makes me excited too. It's YOUR day, do whatever it takes to make the experience leading up to it a positive one.

traceyp120 · March 2012

I'm proud of you for standing on your own two feet and paying your own way! It's a great way to start this permanent relationship - lots of decisions on a budget. Besides being practical, it gives you both a clear picture of how to work together to achieve what you want.

There is no easy way to answer your question. I would talk to your FI and ask his opinion. Even hint that now is a good time for him to be your knight in shining armor (cuz most guys don't know WHEN you need that). Wouldn't it be great if he took care of the whole situation?! Just a hint to his family that he would appreciate it if they would be more considerate of both your feelings while you plan your special day and "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Elinetrouwt · March 2012

I understand what you mean. Our families are from different cultures. To my parents (and to me, actually), what we're planning is a pretty over-the-top extravaganza, while to FI's family I'm afraid it will look very simple and a bit offbeat. Our parents have the same kind of income, their ideas about what a wedding is are just very different.

So when we were talking about food, my mom was like 'oh, you don't need a caterer, you can do that yourselves', when I told her I wanted a caterer for dinner, but when I told his family I'd like to have some homemade desserts, they went 'no, you can't do that, just buy them from your caterer'. With us, it's not really a money issue, but I'm afraid his aunts and uncles won't like our casual buffet-style dinner with partly picknick seating.

goodmanr · March 2012

My FI and I are planning a pretty non-traditional wedding...a three day, destination style wedding in the CO mountains where all 50 guests stay on site for three days. We are paying ourselves, and while we have been saving for a couple of years, we are putting most of our funds into paying for the housing for all 50 guests. (We've had many people tell us not to do this, but it's important to us.)

FI's mom has been pretty clearly opposed to this style of wedding. We are cutting out many traditional things-- no wedding cake, flower girl/ring bearer, catered dinner, etc. Our feeling is that if it won't bring us significant joy on the day, we would rather put our money elsewhere. When FMIL has made comments about this, I "jokingly" replied that if she would like to take care of those parts, she is welcome to. She has taken me up on this offer for one or two things, and others she has just dropped. But in the end, it has helped me to be clear with her on what I want no input on, as well as ask if she would like to take charge of certain things...then maybe she can feel pride in her pieces and leave yours alone!

Good luck!

sunshine9779 · March 2012

talk about taking the wind out of your sails. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you'll find a way to cut out the negativity so you can enjoy your day. I like PP's idea of explaining that although they may not understand it, you have a clear vision and you are excited about sharing your day with those you love.

ceh789 · March 2012

Wow - they sound like assholes.

If they pull that again I'd respond with "It's really hurtful when you laugh at our plans like that."

sveval · March 2012

I am so very sorry that these persons have been mean and hurtful.
It has been said a lot here but it IS truly your day and your future husbands day. This is your marriage and thusly, it should begin with decision that you make.
That being said, if they continue to laugh, you could say something like, "I think these ideas are very US. However, if you feel like you would like to help us out, we would consider having a more traditional cake. Or if you would like to help pay for food, we could do a sit down dinner. At this point though, this is what our budget will allow for and WE are very happy with our decision."
I have found that in the planning of our wedding, people stop suggesting things when we talk about money. Money makes ppl a little uncomfortable and telling ppl how much things cost makes them more uncomfortable.
I am a "yes sir" person. However, in the process of planning our wedding, I have found a stronger voice and you have to do the same.
People have to see that it is not ok to make you, the Bride, feel bad or sad in any way. you very simply have to say, "STOP".
Best of luck to you.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

This sucks and unfortunately I understand what you're going through! I've had a few chuckles over the idea of an outdoor wedding... smores bar... and especially when I told them I wanted to make my own dress (haven't decided yet, it was just an idea).

I don't think these people realize how much they're hurting you when they chuckle. I would honestly laugh back and say something along the lines as, oh I'm glad you find it amusing that we're smart enough not to go into debt over a wedding day.

KT020803 · March 2012

That's horrible that you have had to deal with extra things because people don't know when to keep their opinions to themselves.

I have dealt with it a little bit, but not as much as I was expecting while planning an outdoor wedding on a budget. (I think one reason is because after being together for 9 years before getting engaged my go-to smart ass comment was always " we'll get married when someone cuts us a check for 30 grand, until then, we are fine doing what we're doing!!" As long as you and your finace' are on the same page about costs, I would try to take it with a grain of salt. But if it does continue, I would say something along the lines of, we are doing what makes us happy and we are comfortable spending so this is how it is going to be. When the day gets here it will all be about you and your new husband anyway! Good luck!

misscrafty84 · March 2012

I'm sorry, I cannot imagine. I'd stop sharing with them so that hopefully they don't ruin things for you. If they think its their business to critique your choices then maybe they should be helping out.

sparent2010 · March 2012

Where is you FI in all of this? How does he feel when they say these things?

I wouldnt hint to him that I am upset I would straight up tell him how much this hurts your feelings. He needs to stand up to his family for you.

You can stop talking wedding with them. I have and whenever they ask I just give a vague answer .

Sorry thisis happening to you that is incredibly rude. If it was my family Id chew them out. But as I have learned when it is his family make sure the two of you are on the same page and have him deal with them .

joannami09 · March 2012

I can relate, it seems like my ideas get kind of shrugged off by those around me. (mostly fiance's family) But it's a matter of opinion and you know what your style is, and what you want your day to look like. I also am having a buffet style dinner, we're serving cupcakes to the guests, while we cut and eat an 8'' cake, and wrap and save a 6'' cake for our 1st anniversary.

I think you may just want to keep your plans to yourself and wow them with the results. Sometimes it's hard for others to see the vision that you are drawing in your head. Find supportive friends and stick to sharing with only those who cheer you on. Constructive critisism is good, laughing in your face is bad. Our wedding is ourdoors too, I ended up doing a lot of projects to save money. When you're outdoors you're tempted to fill the open space, but the outdoors already provides some decor for your guests. We also made sure the things that we did purchase, we would keep for our home decor later. That made us feel like it was money well spent twice over. If you have enough time, DIY projects will save you money. Focus on what's most important to you and start there. Good luck!

[Deleted User] · March 2012

We have had a similar experience with our plans. I am so sorry to hear that. I have basically just started putting my foot down, stating that it's our ceremony and we are paying for it. If anyone would like to fork out some money, then they can have an opinion. I have also threatened to elope and tell everyone afterwards. People have started to keep their "advice" to themselves.

Good luck, and just remember that this is about the two of you and what makes you happy. Forget about the rest of them (even though it's hard).

cubbiefanwife · March 2012

I am so sorry all of you who want outdoor weddings and have met with ridicule. They can be gorgeous and FUN. My now-husband and I opted for an outdoor wedding, not just about budget, but we wanted kids to be able to come and not be expected to stay all stuffy. We got lucky with the rain, but had a ton of mosquitos and heat! It was just a part of the fun.

Everyone had a blast! My Sister-in-law keeps telling me she LOVED my "Hamptons" like wedding which was on a farm in WI. We did everything - including cleaning out the cattle barn! It was so much fun. Check out some before and after pix. If you are paying for it, do what you want taht will make you and your hubby happy! Good luck all!

librababy · March 2012

I would just stop sharing wedding details and info with them. If they ask, give them a vague, "not sure yet" or "I don't really know". They'll get the hint. And your wedding sounds lovely.

We are having a mix of traditional and off beat too for our wedding: ceremony will be in our backyard (as I really want an outdoor ceremony) with pre-recorded music. If people have anything negative to say, they have kept it to themsleves.

xocrazyhaileyxo · April 2012

Oh girl...I'm so incrediably sorry! I know what youre going through!
Just focus on you...and your fiancee. Your wedding shouldn't be about them...esp if they aren't fitting the bill whatsoever. I know it's hard...but this isn't a show to impress everyone...it's a day about what YOU and your future HUSBAND want. Honestly, they will probably forget about it in a couple years...you will have these memories for the rest of your life. When I was talking to one of my bridesmaids about my problems similar to this with my own family she said, " Everyone is entitled to their opinion, including you. It's YOUR friggin wedding. I dont care if you have beanie weenies and tater tot casserole in a rundown trailer. Thats not the point. The point is it's your day and its a celebration for the two of YOU. So try not to stress out or let your family get to you. Don't let them suck the fun out of your experience. You only do this once, right? "

I saved it to my phone to read when I get stressed.
It will all work out, and I'm sure you will be beautiful!!!

Family actually laughed...feelings somewhat hurt

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