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An Ill Bridesmaid

BMoreBride6BMoreBride6 member
First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I also posted this on WP but I know this board gets more traffic and I want all the suggestions I can get
Hi all...one of my BMs has had cancer for going on 5 years now.  She's one of the strongest people I know and I knew I wanted her in my wedding as she has meant so much to me.  My wedding isn't until November so a lot can change between now and then and her health/strength is very up and down.  Pretty much I just want her to be included as much as possible and as comfortable as possible.  Standing for the ceremony may not work for her but I don't know the best way to offer another solution without making her feel "different".  We bought a dress that has a lovely halter neck that covers her port the way she wants but I have no idea when we will actually be able to get her to the salon to get measured (also her weight is always fluctuating so not sure how to approach that?).  The other dresses have been ordered but the salon won't order another dress without her getting measured...I also don't want her to feel obligated to do any planning or prep but at the same time want to include her in anything she wants to be included in.  Has anyone every dealt with a similar situation?  Basically, I love her a lot and just want her to be as happy as possible on that day.  Suggestions welcome!  
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Re: An Ill Bridesmaid

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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
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    I don't really have anything to add, but it seems you're being very reasonable and compassionate.

    I would buy the dress in the biggest size of the last year and then take it in. It's always easier to take it in than let it out. Could she wait and buy something off the rack instead of the salon dress? That might take some of the pressure off.
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    BMoreBride6BMoreBride6 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I would buy the dress in the biggest size of the last year and then take it in. It's always easier to take it in than let it out. Could she wait and buy something off the rack instead of the salon dress? That might take some of the pressure off.

    To the bolded...absolutely, I've already told her she can wear whatever she likes.  I also plan to pay for her dress if she will let me...her medical bills are enough to worry about...but she does really like the dress and if she wants it, I'll find a way to get it.  That's a good suggestion thought and I will definitly pass although that idea to her.  
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
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    You sound like an amazing friend to her. The only other suggestion is maybe treat her to a spa day and hair/makeup the day before or of so she really feels her best if things aren't going great at the time of, but otherwise, I think you're doing everything right.
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    LoredLored member
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    edited March 2013
    Ooh, spa day sounds like an excellent suggestion! Can you just hold off on these decisions until a bit closer to the wedding? Trust me, I get that you want everything settled, it's much less stressful. However, in this case, as you say her health is up and down, I wouldn't want to make it any more difficult for her. Otherwise, maybe an option would be to allow each of your BM to select their own dress in a specific color. They can order now if they like and your friend can find something off the rack a couple weeks out. Wishing you and your gf the best :))) ETA - as I see you've already offered your friend the other dress option, I would say maybe just ask her. See what she wants to wear or what she thinks she'll feel the best in. Just find out what she'll feel most fabulous in and go with it :)
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    BMoreBride6BMoreBride6 member
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    Thank you fro all the awesome suggestions!  While all the other girls have ordered their dresses (yes, I know its early but my girls are planners), they are wearing a mix of 2 different style dresses so I think if she ends up choosing to buy something of the rack down the road, she won't feel so "different" (I can see how wearing something different if all the other girls are wearing the exact same thing could make her feel a bit out of place).  Honestly, she could show up in sweats and be beautiful.  Love the idea of the spa day! 
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    peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
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    If she wants to order with the other girls, order one size up from what she is "normally" wearing.  Let the salon know what's going on, and they should be able to advise you on the sizing differences between street size and bridal size for the designer that you've picked.

    If she wants to buy off the rack, that obviously works too.  :)  You sound like an awesome friend, and she's really lucky to have you!
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
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    I think everyone gave good suggestions, I just wanted to say that you're a great bride and friend. I was pleased to have read this post.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    Bless you for being compassionate and thoughtful towards your friend. 

    I understand your impulse to keep from singling her out.  Is there any way to have the entire wedding party take a seat during the ceremony?  Maybe have a couple of nice benches up front?  That way everyone could take a seat, and she's not singled out.

    Just a thought.  I do love the idea of a spa day.
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    winelover123winelover123 member
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    One of my good friends had cancer. During her bad days, it was bad. She didn't want to go anywhere or do anything and her weight went wayyy down. Is there anyway you can rush the dress your friend likes and order it closer to the wedding? A spa day sounds like a really great idea - she just may not be up for it if it's during a bad day. Can you have seats for all your WP up front and just have them all sit after they walk up? You sound like an awesome friend :)
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    Ven&RadioVen&Radio member
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    I just wanted to echo everyone else who said you're being a very compassionate and supportive friend.  There's already been lots of great suggestions, so I don't think I can add anything else.
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    OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_an-ill-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aa1c8eee-5e36-424f-9cca-daf5b76d5d07Post:bbbe9c64-e6b5-411a-ab0a-ef993b4a0711">An Ill Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I also posted this on WP but I know this board gets more traffic and I want all the suggestions I can get Hi all...one of my BMs has had cancer for going on 5 years now.  She's one of the strongest people I know and I knew I wanted her in my wedding as she has meant so much to me.  My wedding isn't until November so a lot can change between now and then and her health/strength is very up and down.  Pretty much I just want her to be included as much as possible and as comfortable as possible.  Standing for the ceremony may not work for her but I don't know the best way to offer another solution without making her feel "different".  We bought a dress that has a lovely halter neck that covers her port the way she wants but I have no idea when we will actually be able to get her to the salon to get measured (also her weight is always fluctuating so not sure how to approach that?).  The other dresses have been ordered but the salon won't order another dress without her getting measured...I also don't want her to feel obligated to do any planning or prep but at the same time want to include her in anything she wants to be included in.  Has anyone every dealt with a similar situation?  Basically, I love her a lot and just want her to be as happy as possible on that day.  Suggestions welcome!  
    Posted by katye1489[/QUOTE]

    You can have all the BM's sit in chairs once they get down to the altar so she doesn't feel singled out. I think it'll look really nice actually if you had chairs lined up. And if your girls are wearing heels that could be digging into the grass, they might even thank you for it.

    Also for the dresses, rather than assigning a dress, pick a colour and have the girls pick their own. That way she can pick something that will make her most comfortable and work with her body.
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