Pushy friend

Re: Pushy friend

• Summer2011Bride member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  What's a reception wedding? Do you mean you're having a DW and then having an at home reception for people invited to the DW that can't make it? Why would you have a WP for that? And if you truly are having two ceremonies, that doesn't make sense. You can only get married once. Are the guest lists for these things the same or different? This is a much bigger concern than dealing with your MOH. Also, no matter what, it isn't an MOH's job to help plan. If she wants to offer, fine But that's not a "duty." It's YOUR job to plan YOUR wedding.

  
  
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• covejack

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:08b0ff26-12ea-4206-96a9-dc012bae03f3Post:16a018ed-0700-4e06-8d4d-1bafad7ef606">Pushy friend</a>:
  [QUOTE]Not sure how to handle this friend. After getting engaged, before picking my bridal party one of my close friends said to me, "I'm your moh, right?" I was kind of offended; she's one of my closest friends, but she was not my pick for MOH. I know I'm pretty much her only close friend; although she is dear to me, it's things like this that make me not want her as my MOH. I made a mistake by not saying "NO" right away so she got it in her head that she was. I was mad but didn't have the heart to tell her 'forget it' even though I was upset. She kept saying it over and over. We're having a destination wedding, and a small, 'reception' wedding in my home town; to appease her, I said, "Be my MOH of my hometown reception. You can help plan, etc." I told her that the hometown one was really important, etc. She really went for this;<strong> so she is not a bridesmaid in my actual wedding. </strong>Fast forward a few months later, she is now asking me 'which wedding is the most important one? I'm in the most important one, right?" I am getting the feeling that she cares more about being in the spotlight than supporting me. It's getting annoying, but I dont' know how to handle it. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm afraid when she attends the actual wedding as a guest, she's going to get upset about now being in it; even though I've explained to her what to expect. In addition to this she keeps saying things like, "I just want to make sure I"m in the most important one because I'm your best friend." Not, 'you're MY best friend'. Ugh. How do I handle her?!
  Posted by Arethena[/QUOTE]
  
  So she's a bridesmaid in your fake wedding?   I'm confused, are you getting married twice?   You're setting your friend up for disappointment when she's not a BM in your "actual" wedding.   Are you having two wedding parties, one for each wedding?

  Report0 Reply
• ellietachi member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  You need to stand up to her and tell her that you chose someone else as your MOH. You should have done this in the beginning, but you didn't and things will only get worse when she witnesses your DW ceremony. It was extremely rude of you to tell her she could be the MOH of your "hometown reception." Obviously you know that you are her closest friend, so imagine how hurt she will be that you weren't just honest from the beginning. Giving her a made up role is not OK. If you don't have the courage to be honest, then you'll just have to deal with the consequences.

  Report0 Reply
• zitiqueen member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:08b0ff26-12ea-4206-96a9-dc012bae03f3Post:16a018ed-0700-4e06-8d4d-1bafad7ef606">Pushy friend</a>:
  [QUOTE]Not sure how to handle this friend. After getting engaged, before picking my bridal party one of my close friends said to me, "I'm your moh, right?" I was kind of offended; she's one of my closest friends, but she was not my pick for MOH. I know I'm pretty much her only close friend; although she is dear to me, it's things like this that make me not want her as my MOH. I made a mistake by not saying "NO" right away so she got it in her head that she was. I was mad but didn't have the heart to tell her 'forget it' even though I was upset. She kept saying it over and over. We're having a destination wedding, and a small, 'reception' wedding in my home town; to appease her, I said, "<strong>Be my MOH of my hometown reception. You can help plan, etc</strong>." I told her that the hometown one was really important, etc. She really went for this; so she is not a bridesmaid in my actual wedding. Fast forward a few months later, she is now asking me 'which wedding is the most important one? I'm in the most important one, right?" I am getting the feeling that she cares more about being in the spotlight than supporting me. It's getting annoying, but I dont' know how to handle it. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I'm afraid when she attends the actual wedding as a guest, she's going to get upset about now being in it; even though I've explained to her what to expect. In addition to this she keeps saying things like, "I just want to make sure I"m in the most important one because I'm your best friend." Not, 'you're MY best friend'. Ugh. How do I handle her?!
  Posted by Arethena[/QUOTE]
  
  Did you actually tell her she could help plan your fake wedding like that was a good thing and she should be honored?

  Report0 Reply
• CassieeK

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I don't understand what she will do at the reception. How is she "in" anything?  Is the MOH from the DW going to be at this reception?  Not that she would really be doing anything or being in anything at that point, either, but is she aware that another girl will be running around that reception doing whatever she can to act like a MOH?  You need to be straight with her b/c this has disaster written all over it.  

  

  Report0 Reply
• Muffin'sMom

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I have the same questions as the PP's.  Why would you need an MOH at your "hometown reception"?  Are you having some sort of ceremony?  If not, what will she be doing?  WIll whomever is standing up with you at the DW be there?  That will be just plain awkward.  You need to come clean with this before you get to whatever is happeneing, she figures out what is happening, and an emotional meltdown ruins EVERYONES day.
  
  Finally, there may be a reason your friend is pushing, saying the things she is saying.  She is clearly feeling something from you that is making her uncomfortable...some vibe that says that she is not important to you.  Maybe you need to think about that too...

  My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!

  Report0 Reply
• MairePoppy mod

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  ditto Muffin'sMom - your friend is catching on.
  
  Your friend started this problem by being pushy and you just made it worse by sidestepping her. You should have told her in the beginning that you have already chosen your wp, but you would like her to come as a guest. She might have been hurt or angry, but it's going to be far worse when she realizes that you have duped her.
  
  

                     

  Report0 Reply
• Arethena member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I am pretty surprised by the overall negative and hurtful comments people felt the need to leave in response to this. Expressing your opinon is expected and fine, but you could find a polite and adult way of doing it, instead of using terms like 'made up role', and  'fake wedding'. Maybe again, I was not specific enough in trying to avoid making an already long post longer. But it is rude and inconsiderate to refer to my at home event as a 'fake wedding', over and over, as if it has no purpose other than to give my friend something to do.
  
  We are getting married in my fiance's home town which I recently moved to; my grandparents, who are two of the most important people in my life, are too old to make it to this. So I have made it clear that I want an event in my home state to celebrate, for them and the rest of my friends and family who can't make it. We will have a small, outdoor, what I have been calling a 'reception' because we will be legally married at this point; but it is in fact, it's the style of a wedding.. It's smaller; not official. No priest. My FI family is catholic, so we can't recite our own vows at the first wedding; so we have written our own vows which we will say to eachother at the at home event. My friend, and FI friend, will be at our sides while we do this and be given the same honor they would have at the wedding. They can say something; we'll have dancing and cake. Im annoyed that I have to go into the logistics of my at home event to defend myself, considering this type of thing is not at all uncommon. There won't be any 'awkwardness' between the people who attend there, and our other wedding.
  
  I know it's MY job to plan MY wedding. I'm chronically ill, and regardless I am still doing everything myself. I have no expectation of my bridal party or MOH, and if I did, I wouldn't have picked a MOH whose ticket, hotel room, dress and shoes I will have to buy because she can't afford to, nor has the time to get. I would have just let my pushy friend do it. Whatever my pushy friend does at my at home wedding will be because she wanted to, not because I asked her to. Helping is important to her; not to me and I have only told her she can help, not asked her to. Maybe that is not clear in what I wrote, but I will make it clear now. In regards to my list of who is attending each event, that is not of concern, nor does it have anything to do with my original question. A lot of people have 'two' weddings because of distance between families, even though yes, you can only get married once. I went to a wedding like this in January. Not everyone marries the boy who lives next door.
  
  Further more, her role is not a made up role. My FI and I both intended to have have one of our friends do this at our at home event; I gave her this role because I knew it would make both of us happy. I spent three hours on the phone explaining clearly to my friend what to expect. She knows the first wedding is the one where we are legally married; she knows it will have a reception. She knows there is a bridal party and that she is not in it. She knows I still want her there. There is nothing at the first event to surprise her. And she knows exactly what to expect at my at home event. She knows it is not as big, that we will be married, and why we're doing it and what her role is. That doesn't mean that she won't wish she was in both when she's actually there. I know this.
  
  This girl has been telling me she is going to be my MOH since long before I was even engaged, and she had decided the role was hers long after I was engaged, and before I had agreed to it. At that point I HADN"T chose anyone officially. You were right: I shouldn't have let her push me into letting her have the role to avoid hurting her.
  
  I am confused here, while one person is saying it is my job to 'do everything' at my wedding, while in the next breath someone else is saying 'there isn't anything for her 'to' do at my at home wedding, so it doesn't count as a role?
  
  Most of what was offered in response to this was not advice so much as an attack. While not EVERYTHING posted here was hurtful (the last post could be considered helpful), I would suggest the people trolling on these forums consider being kinder to those who reach out for opions and advice, not unkind; even if you disagree.
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• MairePoppy mod

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I don't think it's possible to give you an honest answer, that you are going to like. You have painted yourself into a corner by telling your friend that the vows that you will be reciting at your AHR are more important than your DW vows.
  
  <span style="font-weight:bold;">[Quote] I said, "Be my </span>MOH<span style="font-weight:bold;"> of my hometown reception. You can help plan, etc."<span style="font-style:italic;"> I told her that the hometown one was really important, etc. She really went for this;</span> so she is not a bridesmaid in my actual wedding." by </span>Arethena
  
  The way I see it, you have two choices. Tell her the truth, so she isn't embarrassed when she figures it out, on her own. Or, ask her to be in your real wedding party. She's attending the DW, anyway.
  
  The women who posted responses to your post, left no doubt about their opinions of your situation. If you had been that honest with your friend, you would not be in this predicament.
  
  Good luck.

                     

  Report0 Reply
• covejack

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm the one who left the "fake wedding" comment, as you referred to your first wedding as your "actual wedding".  I guess I could have said your "not-actual wedding".  The point is, your friend knows it's not the REAL wedding.  You've told us that in your OP.  She's reacting normally to being duped.  No matter how many paragraphs you take to tell us otherwise.

  Report0 Reply
• afeliz79 member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  However you look at it, you are not being very nice to your friend. I don't understand why you would get mad that someone is excited to be in your wedding. And, you've said that you are just "letting" her help plan, that she is a "pushy friend" and that she "really went for" a rouse that you have created to indicate that this "at home wedding" is important. The way you are talking about her on this board, she would be better off if you just cut her loose so she can find friends that really do like her. You aren't doing her any favors.

  

  Report0 Reply
• palrmt member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  You should have put your foot down in the first place.  It sounds like your friend has figured out that the ceremony in which you are actually married is the important one.  And now she is hurt that she isn't the MOH in that wedding.  The ceremony you are having at home is just for show basically (not really a wedding ceremony since you will already be married).  This girl is smart enough to know that your home ceremony doesn't really mean anything officially.  You basically patted her on the head and told her "here you take care of my home event because I don't want you as MOH in my actual wedding"  It might have taken a little while but she has come to this realization. 
  
  There really is no good advice for you here.  You could have an honest talk with her but she is no doubt going to be hurt.  You could ignore the problem and it will most definitely snowball into a much bigger problem. 

  Report0 Reply
• artsmom1120

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pushy-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08b0ff26-12ea-4206-96a9-dc012bae03f3Post:27b87d25-1d79-4001-aa90-2de1cd28e737">Re: Pushy friend</a>:
  [QUOTE]I am pretty surprised by the overall negative and hurtful comments people felt the need to leave in response to this. Expressing your opinon is expected and fine, but you could find a polite and adult way of doing it, instead of using terms like 'made up role', and  'fake wedding'. Maybe again, I was not specific enough in trying to avoid making an already long post longer. But it is rude and inconsiderate to refer to my at home event as a 'fake wedding', over and over, as if it has no purpose other than to give my friend something to do. We are getting married in my fiance's home town which I recently moved to; my grandparents, who are two of the most important people in my life, are too old to make it to this. So I have made it clear that I want an event in my home state to celebrate, for them and the rest of my friends and family who can't make it. We will have a small, outdoor, what I have been calling a 'reception' because we will be legally married at this point; but it is in fact, it's the style of a wedding.. It's smaller; not official. No priest. My FI family is catholic, so we can't recite our own vows at the first wedding; so we have written our own vows which we will say to eachother at the at home event. My friend, and FI friend, will be at our sides while we do this and be given the same honor they would have at the wedding. They can say something; we'll have dancing and cake. Im annoyed that I have to go into the logistics of my at home event to defend myself, considering this type of thing is not at all uncommon. There won't be any 'awkwardness' between the people who attend there, and our other wedding. I know it's MY job to plan MY wedding. I'm chronically ill, and regardless I am still doing everything myself. I have no expectation of my bridal party or MOH, and if I did, I wouldn't have picked a MOH whose ticket, hotel room, dress and shoes I will have to buy because she can't afford to, nor has the time to get. I would have just let my pushy friend do it. Whatever my pushy friend does at my at home wedding will be because she wanted to, not because I asked her to. Helping is important to her; not to me and I have only told her she can help, not asked her to. Maybe that is not clear in what I wrote, but I will make it clear now. In regards to my list of who is attending each event, that is not of concern, nor does it have anything to do with my original question. A lot of people have 'two' weddings because of distance between families, even though yes, you can only get married once. I went to a wedding like this in January. Not everyone marries the boy who lives next door. Further more, her role is not a made up role. My FI and I both intended to have have one of our friends do this at our at home event; I gave her this role because I knew it would make both of us happy. I spent three hours on the phone explaining clearly to my friend what to expect. She knows the first wedding is the one where we are legally married; she knows it will have a reception. She knows there is a bridal party and that she is not in it. She knows I still want her there. There is nothing at the first event to surprise her. And she knows exactly what to expect at my at home event. She knows it is not as big, that we will be married, and why we're doing it and what her role is. That doesn't mean that she won't wish she was in both when she's actually there. I know this. This girl has been telling me she is going to be my MOH since long before I was even engaged, and she had decided the role was hers long after I was engaged, and before I had agreed to it. At that point I HADN"T chose anyone officially. You were right: I shouldn't have let her push me into letting her have the role to avoid hurting her. I am confused here, while one person is saying it is my job to 'do everything' at my wedding, while in the next breath someone else is saying 'there isn't anything for her 'to' do at my at home wedding, so it doesn't count as a role? Most of what was offered in response to this was not advice so much as an attack. While not EVERYTHING posted here was hurtful (the last post could be considered helpful), I would suggest the people trolling on these forums consider being kinder to those who reach out for opions and advice, not unkind; even if you disagree.
  Posted by Arethena[/QUOTE]
  
  
  I agree with all of this!! Why is every response so negative and catty and missing the point?? First of all, if many people can't make it to the wedding what the heck is wrong with having a second reception? The only thing I'd advise is that you don't expect people to come to both, which it doesn't sound like you do. Also, she said her friend was pushy and caught her off gaurd when she declared herself MOH! hignsight is 20/20!!! to everyone who has said that she just needed to tell the girl from the beginning,you're telling me that you have NEVER been in a sitsuation where you said something different from what you felt? Because that is AMAZING to me!! She had a split second when this girl said it, I'd do the same thing.The problem here is NOT that she is having 2 receptions, which you all seem to be sooooo hung up on! The problem is that the MOH just wants the attention on her. AND as an MOH myself, we WANT to help. When my sister got engaged the first thing I did was offer my help! I understand there are situations where the MOH can't, or won't, BUT THIS ISN'T ONE OF THOSE!! I understood from the first post that the girl WANTED to be involved, in fact, she wants to be involved too much!!  It must benice to sit at your computers and know everything!
  
  To the OP, If this girl is overstepping her boundaries, try to be honest with her. Say, "I really appreciate your help and everything and I'm happy you're a part of this exciting time in my life, but I really need to focus on getting it organized. Both days are important, as are you."  That might be easier said than done, so you could also try backing off a little bit, don't bring up the wedding and when she does try to change the subject. If she keeps asking you about the importance of it all, laugh it off and act like she's just being silly!  good luck to you! and congrats on your wedding. and don't worry, even if the girl tries to be the center of attention, all eyes will be on you that day!!

  Report0 Reply
• Oct+6+2012

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  First off, I'm having two weddings, one courthouse one this year (like you a grandparent is involved, in my case it's my 98 year old grandmother) and then a church one exactly one year later as a big shindig so I understand that two official weddings plight.  I believe that both are completely valid because as a Catholic I'm not officially married until I'm married in the church, but the law says a courthouse is acceptable so each adds something the other can't.

  
  

  In regards to the pushy BM situation, I had that predicament with a friend I made in the past 2 years who really wanted to "make it 3 out of 3" aka for the three weddings she's been in she's been a BM.  Personally I had her on the list for being a BM and was simply debating between others, but her repeated questions about whether she's a BM knocked her off the list.  I decided that I wanted to be surrounded by people that support me and would do anything for me, NOT people that frustrate me leading up to the most important occurence (couldn't say day or event here ) of my life!  

  Report0 Reply