My program....

abrown351 · February 2010

Hello everyone,

I am usually just a lurker on this board, but I needed to vent about something Jewish wedding related and I figured this would be the place to go. I did lots of research and it took me hours of work putting together our ceremony program.

On Sunday we met with one of our Rabbis when we were there we asked him to look over the program that I had worked so hard on. And then yesterday we received an email from the Rabbi's assistant with the notes from the Rabbi.

I was shocked he took out almost a third of what I had put in! According to the assistant he felt that our explanations were too "orthodoxy" We belong to a Conservative/Reconstructionist synagogue, but never would I have guess that our detailed explanation would be received so poorly. I worked so hard preparing this. Since most of our guests are not Jewish and honestly those that are Jewish are more "High Holiday Jews" and would not know or understand a lot of the traditions we are incorporating into our wedding.

For instance, I put together a comprehensive description of what a ketubah is and what it is for. They have told us that we need to water it down to: “The Ketubah is a traditional Jewish marriage contract. It was signed prior to the ceremony.” That is it. Our detailed description was completely unacceptable.

We just wanted to make sure that our guests would all understand the different parts and traditions of a Jewish wedding. But honestly now I don’t think anyone will be any more educated after our wedding than before our wedding, and I find that very sad. It just really hurt me that all my work was so easily discarded. Am I being overly sensitive about this?

Thanks for listening.

Rae

Rachiemoo · February 2010

No I don't think you're being overly sensitive about this at all. I'd feel the same way as you and I think it is sad that your Rabbi is ashamed of the meaning behind the many parts of the Jewish wedding ceremony. Perhaps you can sit down and discuss with him why you want to include certain things. I'm really surprised that he would make a big deal about this. If he won't budge, I'd encourage you to put the full version of your program on your wedding website, if you choose to have one, that way guests can read and learn about the ceremony prior to your wedding.

tenofcups4me · February 2010

I'll start with the caveat that I didn't get married by a rabbi and have little experience with formal religion. That said, unless you've said things in the program that are wrong or in direct contradiction to the belief system your rabbi and synagogue espouse, I don't really see how or why the rabbi would have any say in your program.

So going back to the part about I don't have experience with religious leaders, personally I would treat it the same way I would a business situation or with any other "vendor" (and I do understand a rabbi is more than a vendor) and say, "Thanks for your help, we're going over your changes and deciding which ones we want to incorporate." If you want, you could call and ask to discuss his thought process with him so at least you understand where the changes came from.

But ultimately, I'd put whatever I wanted in there, not show it to him again, and hand it out at the ceremony.

LBRM_NJ · February 2010

I felt no need whatsoever to show my rabbi my program. The program is not part of the religious service of the wedding. It is a supplement to explain what is happening. I'm sorry your rabbi did that to you, but, if it was me, I would just go with what I had originally written (assuming it's correct) and not worry about it.

And, just so you know, I'm not one to "question" things or go against people of authority. I just don't believe that what's in the program is relevant to the rabbi.

jendawn80 · February 2010

I'm still waiting for our rabbi to look at our program and get back to me, but it sounds like I made one similar to yours. I tried not to make it too long but enough to explain all the jewish traditions which I am very proud of and think the guests will enjoy learning about. I would go with what you want to do and not worry so much about his comments if they are mainly about the wordiness. If it was related to accurate content or aspects of the ceremony that are not going to take place, then that's different. Best of luck..

Jen

slbriz34 · February 2010

No, you are not being over-sensitive and are rightly upset. And ditto LBRM and tencups... the program is your explanation and a piece of yourselves that you are sharing with your guests and will be a keepsake and reminder of your day. However, it is not part of the ceremony itself as it's not even required, so there's really no justification for your rabbi to look through it let alone to cut out as much as he did, if the content is accurrate. Be that as it may, he had his interpretations of what you should and shouldn't include, but if you don't feel that that's the program you want, then I say do as you wish.

I can't imagine any rabbi simplifying what the ketubah is the way yours did. If there is a concern that guests won't read it, well then that's for the guests to decide. I thought for a minute of having my rabbi look mine over and then thought, why? He's in charge of the ketubah and other aspects to make sure the wedding is valid, but that's it. The rest of the day and little touches, including the program, are mine/ours alone.

Mine is all drafted and ready to go and I love it and wouldn't budge if my rabbi somehow got a copy of it. I hope you get to keep your program.

silversparks · February 2010

I don't think you're being over-sensitive either. You worked hard on the program, you want it to include a certain kind of information for your guests, and your rabbi sent back comments via his assistant and e-mail, without really explaining what the problem was (what the heck does "too Orthodoxy mean"?)

I suggest you call your rabbi and speak to him directly, and explain to him that you worked hard on the program and you do not completely understand his concerns.

And out of curiouslty, is it normal for rabbis to look over the program? It never even occured to me to send it to ours and he didn't ask to see it, but I don't know what the general practice is.

Rachiemoo · February 2010

deborahandsteven,

We had our Rabbi look ours over, mostly to make sure that the order of events and all the information I wrote down was true for our ceremony. I actually do think it is a good idea to have the Rabbi look it over because a lot of information you find in books, online, etc. may not be the same as what you're doing for your ceremony depending on what movement your affiliated with.

For example, even though DH and I both gave each other rings under the chuppah, we didn't do a complete "exchange" - he gave me my ring during the Kiddushin and I gave him his ring later on in the ceremony, we wanted a definite separation of this as we didn't want it to be a complete exchange. Orthodox Jews would probably not do a double ring ceremony at all while more liberal Jews may want to make a point to have a completely equal exchange.

If you know exactly what you want then maybe you don't need your Rabbi to look it over, but I wanted to make sure that our program acurately reflected our ceremony, so for me it made sense for me to have him look it over.

slbriz34 · February 2010

Ditto Rachel in that regard - only if you are doing something or to make sure the time line is right. But in terms of explaining the reason behind things, and given the ketubah example above, I didn't think the rabbi should have cut out as much as he did.

I did my program well before we sat with the rabbi to discuss how the ceremony would progress; then after he mentioned certain things, I made sure to rearrange a few items (such as the rings portion). But otherwise, everything else I put in I want the guests to know how we interpret and will incorporate matters into our wedding. So I feel confident in what I put out. Each rabbi is different; ours was mostly concerned about the ketubah so I gave in to that, therefore I own my program.

abrown351 · February 2010

Thanks girls for all your thoughts. I think we are going to have a sit down with our Rabbi to find out why he made so many changes. Since none of the changes were made because of them being factually flawed, I think I should be able to keep the program I wrote originally. I really think this is something I want to fight for. If my program was just about giving the guests a run of what is coming up next, I guess it wouldn't bother me so much, but I really want to educate our guests and help them understand what each part is and what each part means to us. I am so happy to hear that I wasn't overreacting.

Thanks again,

Rae

2dBride · February 2010

We showed our program to our rabbi only the day before the ceremony, and then only because it had the complete text of the ceremony (which he had already approved), and we intended to use it as a sort of mini-prayerbook for guests to follow along with. He certainly didn't start editing our descriptions! I hope that your rabbi is more reasonable when you speak to him.

signingjulie · February 2010

that is weird that your rabbi wanted to cut your explinations so short. we are doing something similar to you and have a 6 page program because it includes the explinations of the Jewish traditions (for both the Jews and non Jews). You said you ran it by one of your rabbis. Does that mean you have more than one offifciant? Perhaps talk to your other officiant and run it by him/her? Or have a meeting with both/all of them and express your concerns/tell them what you plan to do? Your officiant can't make you change it. Unless it has wrong information, you can make it as long as you want.

rivkahstein1 · March 2010

No, you are not being over-sensitive and you have every right to be upset. I am currently working on my program and have a lot of non-Jewish guests attending my wedding. I think your guests will appreciate the fact you took time to incorporate them into the explanations behind the Jewish traditions, I would talk to your Rabbi and let him know how you feel. I know the program is important to me and I want my guests to know what is going on during the ceremony.

My program....

Re: My program....

Choose Another Board

Search Boards