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In desperate need of advice

prettyaka88prettyaka88
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in Just Engaged and Proposals
Hello everyone,
I recently just got engaged last Saturday and my FI and I have set our wedding date for Sept 2013. My FI and I want to start planning and we want to hire a wedding planner because we will be extremely busy next year and we do not know where to begin. I should be happy right now but that is not the case. My parents do not want to hire a wedding planner and they want to have a say so in where we have our wedding. I understand that my parents are paying for my wedding but they need to realize that it is after all MY wedding. I am really frustrated because the planning have recently just began and we are already having problems and I have already cried many times. I am just at a lost for words.
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Re: In desperate need of advice

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    HobokensFuryHobokensFury member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Money comes with stipulations. If your parents are paying they get a say in everything. If you can't want their say or want to go against it you're going to have to pay for the wedding yourself.
     
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    As Hoboken said, if they are paying, they do get a say. You and your fiance need to consider whether or not you want to relinquish any control of your wedding to your parents. I was very fortunate in that my father firmly believed that even though he was paying, my husband and I would call the shots. Many people, like yourselves, are not so lucky with that. If you want your parents' help, you and your fiance need to sit down with them and explain what your vision of the day is and try to come to a compromise. Sometimes just sharing ideas and getting to know what everyone had in mind helps sort out some of the confusion. Congrats and good luck!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    achiduckachiduck member
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    Those who pay, say.

    Therefore, if you want to plan your wedding your way you need to pay for it. Otherwise you need to find a way to compromise with your parents. 
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    RWolffRWolff member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    What helped me was some advice i read here - even if your parents are paying, they do want you to be happy. If they didn't, why would they bother paying for a huge party? Given this assumption, tell them your vision for the wedding. Once they know what you want, they can help you make decisions that will make BOTH of you happy. (By you, I obviously mean you and your FI). If they do not seem interested in your vision of your wedding, then they are throwing their own party, and you have two choice: 1) grin and bear it, and fight every step of the way to get your way, or 2) politely decline their money, and get all of what you want on your budget.

    Good luck, and congrats on your engagement!
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    Danny&Mel2003Danny&Mel2003 member
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    In Response to Re:In desperate need of advice:[QUOTE]Those who pay, say.Therefore, if you want to plan your wedding your way you need to pay for it. Otherwise you need to find a way to compromise with your parents.nbsp; Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

    This. My parents gave me what they could which I truly appreciate, without there help I wouldn't be able to have what I've planned next yr but I did say no strings attached or they could have the money back. I also include them in all the wedding planning and ask there advice if I'm in between. Maybe sit down and talk with them meeting in the middle can make everyone happy!
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    Annas2013Annas2013 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    Please listen to the other posters and understand that when your parents say they control how the wedding turns out.  Some people can give money freely and let you make all of the decisions.  Some cannot.  My parents are paying for a significant portion of our wedding.  I consider myself very lucky even though the money sometimes comes with strings.  If I wanted something a certain way, I paid for it myself.  

    Talk with your parents like an adult.  Crying doesn't get you what you want in life.  Act like an adult and tell them what you want out of the wedding and see what they want.  I'm sure you can compromise on a few things and they can too.  We did.  If they want something completely different than what you and your FI want, you need to consider paying for the wedding yourselves.  
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    prettyaka88prettyaka88
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    Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. If things get out of control we might have to pay for the wedding ourselves. I sat down and I talked with my parents and I told them that this is my wedding and I understand that they are paying for it but we have to meet somewhere in the middle.
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    Amanda1443994Amanda1443994 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    TBH, I get that those who are paying have a say in the wedding. However, if you blatantly don't want something or don't want a specific venue, I find it odd that parents would just go against your wishes even if it made you unhappy. I would understand if their was a price issue, but if not I just don't get it. My parents paid for our wedding 100% and I picked out everything. And if my daughter were getting married and I was paying, I would still let her plan the wedding SHE wants.
    "Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
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    caiters91caiters91 member
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    My parents are also paying and they do not want us to get married at one of our first choice venues, so I've decided that we won't get married there. I didn't have my heart completely set on it and I do want my parents to be happy too. My best advice would be to find a compromise, a place where both you, your fiance, and your parents can agree on.. As far as the wedding planner, I want to get a day of coordinator and will most likely pay for it myself. Can you and your fiance split the cost of the wedding planner?
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    coaweddingscoaweddings member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Find out what your parents plan to spend on your wedding then sit down with them and make a budget. Or take the amount they are willing to spend and figure out a budget on your own, then go over it with them. If you can cut back in some areas so you can afford a planner, then you can all have what you want. Is the hiring of a planner the only issue? Is it a money issue? I'm assuming these two things.
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    nicole808nicole808
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      it is really a happy  planning for your own wedding if you could have enough time to do it. becasue there are lots of things to prepare. your wedding dress, tiara and shoes, the bridesmaids dresses, their jewelry, the photographer, the cake, the invites, the decor, the florist, the rings, the favors, the cars.
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    erinlin25erinlin25 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_in-desperate-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:67230153-374b-4ec7-bfe6-8db1306f1c2dPost:613075df-e70e-418f-ab02-a674351c9997">Re: In desperate need of advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. If things get out of control we might have to pay for the wedding ourselves. I sat down and I talked with my parents and<strong> I told them that this is my wedding </strong>and I understand that they are paying for it but we have to meet somewhere in the middle.
    Posted by prettyaka88[/QUOTE]

    I hope you are including your FI!  Remeber its not just "your" day, but its your FI's too and on some levels since your family is "hosting," it is their event so they will and should have a say in how they are spending their money;  Remember to think about what a generous gift it is for your parents to be covering the entire cost.  You come across very immature when you say "its My wedding."  I agree that there should be some compromise, but try not to go overboard and be sure to pick your battles.  Yes, you are the bride, but unless you are footing the bill, its not just your day.  
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    KaieKaie
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_in-desperate-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:67230153-374b-4ec7-bfe6-8db1306f1c2dPost:d667d111-79d0-4e6a-b49e-75832b449e20">In desperate need of advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello everyone, I recently just got engaged last Saturday and my FI and I have set our wedding date for Sept 2013. My FI and I want to start planning and we want to hire a wedding planner because we will be extremely busy next year and we do not know where to begin. I should be happy right now but that is not the case. My parents do not want to hire a wedding planner and they want to have a say so in where we have our wedding. I understand that my parents are paying for my wedding but they need to realize that it is after all MY wedding. I am really frustrated because the planning have recently just began and we are already having problems and I have already cried many times. I am just at a lost for words.
    Posted by prettyaka88[/QUOTE]

    Since you are in the planning stages and nothing has been finalized, refuse the money now. Thank your parents for their intended contribution but tell them you want to plan things with your fiance and if necessary with a wedding planner, who takes orders from you and offers advice and suggestions. Tell them you dont want to continue with the situation at hand where they want to give you orders which you must then relay to your fiance and you two have to accept. Dont wait  til invitations have gone out then to say you dont want their money. Then you will have to come up with all that money on your own. Choose a comfortable budget that you and your fiance can afford and work with that. If you take their money, sit back and be ready to take their orders.
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    Vintagelove4Vintagelove4 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Who pays usually gets the says. Sit down and talk to your parents in a calm way and explain why you want the planner, but also hear out their side too.
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