Catholic/Christian Ceremony Dilemma XP

krun16 · September 2011

My FI and I have been talking about options for the ceremony and we're kind of stuck on what we should do... Here's some background and our dilemma... (Sorry for it being so long)
I come from a Catholic family. We're not super religious but we grew up going to church most every weekend and my sibling and I have all gone through our sacraments. Needless to say, the Catholic church is what I've known and where I figured I would get married. My FI used to be Catholic (baptised and received 1st communion there) but his family ended up leaving their church for a few reasons and started going to a Methodist church. Now they attend a more non-denomenational Christian church but his family is very religious when compared to mine (but not overbearing). Ideally he would like to get married in a Methodist church.
Obviously we can't do both churches at the same time and we've decided that we need to make this decision together (even though he would do whatever he had to in order to make me happy) since we both feel that religion is an important part of getting married. We're going to be moving to a neutral area (neither of us have lived there) so we've been checking out the various churches in the area. We also feel that we shouldn't just get married in a church for the heck of it, but to be in a church because that's where we want to start our family.
I found a nice Catholic church that I liked and the FI said he felt okay with, but he's still feels that it's not something he could do long term. FI has found a few Methodist churches that really didn't sit well with either of us (and has kind of made me frustrated with them). FI also has a childhood pastor that would marry us in a heartbeat, but is located a bit farther than we'd like and may not be doable for an every week church once we're married.
These are our options right now but I wanted to see what some other people thought about the situation:
1. Get married in the Catholic church that I found. Great with me, doable for FI.
2. Keep looking for a Methodist church. Ideal for FI but kind of rubs me the wrong way.
3. Get married by FI's childhood pastor. He's Methodist, but I've never been bothered by his masses, etc. We'd either do it at the ceremony site or possibly his church (which may be a bit far).
I'm really interested to hear your input. Thanks!

DramaGeek · September 2011

I answered you on Ceremony Ideas. Next time you post the same thing to multiple boards, please put "XP" (Cross post) in the title. Otherwise people like me go a little batty thinking, "didn't I already answer this?!"

krun16 · September 2011

k. thanks. i don't know any of these expressions.

DramaGeek · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_catholicchristian-ceremony-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:cc1861df-16bd-4ff9-b256-50bb8ee4387fPost:0eb75d3a-e250-4c07-afda-961e7543c704">Re: Catholic/Christian Ceremony Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]k. thanks. i don't know any of these expressions.
Posted by krun16[/QUOTE]

No worries, that's why we teach you :-)

ElisabethJoanne · September 2011

From a church rules (called "Canon Law") standpoint, you got the right advice in Catholic Weddings. The dispensation issue they brought up varies wildly, depending on the Catholic Bishop and Catholic Diocese involved.

One additional thing that will be helpful is to read the marriage rites for Catholics and Methodists. Weddings are funny things. We picture them in our minds for years, and even men get ideas about how they "should" go, but don't know where those ideas come from. If you read the rites, you'll have an idea both how marriage ceremonies look generally (something lots of people don't really think about until they plan their own) and how a Methodist v. a Catholic wedding sounds.

diehld · September 2011

Depending on where you are there could be way more than a few United Methodist Churches in your area... I grew up UMC and its taken me a long time to find a church near where FI and I are going to live... However we are having a UMC ceremony that will be very much so like a RC wedding... So if its High Church with Mass and everything we have that... Although in my humble opinion I think that sometimes RC churches can be prettier and if you are wanting to do mass look at your guest list and figure out which way more people can participate...

krun16 · September 2011

FI and I had a heart to heart today... I kind of forced him to stop telling me we had time and to tell me how he really felt about everything. I know I had been praying about the whole thing and while we were talking it all of a sudden dawned on both of us that the Episcopal church is right in the middle of where we want to be. The one that we have been to before and some of his family goes to has the traditional aspects that I am used to with a modern twist that he's used to.

We are going to attend a regular mass there this Sunday with his cousin and see how we feel, but I think this may be the best compromise on both of our ends that we've been looking for. We both get to keep a part of ourselves but also give a little to meet in the middle.

DeannaCW · September 2011

Okay, coming from another Catholic/Protestant perspective (he's raised Catholic, still culturally Catholic though religiously Protestant, this will be the first wedding in his family though to take place in a non-Catholic church). We didn't do a Catholic church in part because we are not actively Catholic, but also because most likely, it would require me to convert, be baptised Catholic, and swear to raise our children Catholic. Which I was not comfortable with and would feel hypocritical doing, and he was not comfortable even asking me to. So it could be that's where his discomfort lies, in marrying in a church he may not want to be a part of. That was my issue.

(Also, a lil thing, but it really bugs me... can people please not say Catholic and Christian as though they are different? Catholics are Christians too. They're just not Protestant)

bibliophile2010 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_catholicchristian-ceremony-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:cc1861df-16bd-4ff9-b256-50bb8ee4387fPost:29410568-e8d8-48af-a5ae-92ceba55fab6">Re: Catholic/Christian Ceremony Dilemma XP</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, coming from another Catholic/Protestant perspective (he's raised Catholic, still culturally Catholic though religiously Protestant, this will be the first wedding in his family though to take place in a non-Catholic church). We didn't do a Catholic church in part because we are not actively Catholic, but also because most likely, it would require me to convert, be baptised Catholic, and swear to raise our children Catholic. Which I was not comfortable with and would feel hypocritical doing, and he was not comfortable even asking me to. So it could be that's where his discomfort lies, in marrying in a church he may not want to be a part of. That was my issue. (Also, a lil thing, but it really bugs me... can people please not say Catholic and Christian as though they are different? Catholics are Christians too. They're just not Protestant)
Posted by DeannaCW[/QUOTE]

Before I go on, I just want to say that is sounds like you and your FI are doing what's right for you: having a ceremony that reflects your faith as individuals and as a couple and how you plan to live as a married couple/family.

That said, I just want to clarify for anyone reading this that you <strong>do not</strong> have to convert to Catholicism to be married in the Catholic Church, nor does anyone have to swear to raise children Catholic. The Catholic party in a mixed marriage (between a Catholic and a nonCatholic) must swear to do everything in his/her power to educate children in the faith, but this does not prohibit the other parent from also teaching his/her faith to the child. The nonCatholic party does have to promise not to interfere with the Catholic party's religious education. Anyone who tells you otherwise is mistaken.

Additionally, you would never be rebaptised in the Catholic Church, because we Catholics teach that baptism is once and for all, and consider all Christian baptisms (performed in the name of the Father, Son and Spirit/Ghost) to be valid. One who converts and is baptised would need proof of baptism, and then would make his/her first confession, a declaration of faith, be confirmed, and receive his/her first communion (after several months of teaching and praying to discern the decision).

DeannaCW · September 2011

From what his family has told me, that is the official doctrine of the Vatican, although individual priests will often grant dispensations. Then again, they are from the conservative side of Catholicism, so maybe that has something to do with it (His mom's from Malta, where even female tourists of a church have to cover their hair while inside, among other traditions). So from the Catholic tradition we'd be expected to go with, I actually would have to make those promises. May be more of a cultural than religious difference, but either way, not comfortable with it. (and he doesn't want to swear to raise the kids Catholic either, doesn't agree with most of the church's doctrines, is really only culturally Catholic tbh)

Catholic/Christian Ceremony Dilemma XP

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