Pre-wedding Parties

FIL and RD

Ok.. before I begin I want to ask that if you have anything super negative to say please don't post. I do want realistic answers but please do it in a nice way :) I've never started a thread because I see how mean people can get :( we're all on this website for a reason: weddings, which is such a happy occasion!
I'm getting off my soapbox now...

My FI let it slip the other night that his parents aren't too thrilled about paying for non-wedding party guests at the RD. A little background here... FI's parents offered to pay for 4 huge things: Flowers, RD, Open Bar at reception (we're serving beer and wine), and plane tickets for our honeymoon. We didn't ask them for any of this; they very generously offered. His mom told me over and over again to do anything I wanted to do since it's our wedding and we'll only be doing it once. I asked her multiple times for a budget and she told me, "When you reach a million dollars, stop." Obviously she wasn't being serious and while they aren't super rich they do have money (whether they have $ or not is not something I worry about, just setting the stage for the story - just wanted to cover it since I know someone will bring it up). I kept everything at a very reasonable cost, even bringing the floral bill down as much as possible. I didn't want her to think I was taking advantage of her generosity.
So onto the RD. There will be a total of 34 adults and 4 small children. Out of the 34, 8 of these people are non-wedding party. 2 of them are the parents of the flower girl who is 3 1/2 and they obviously need to accompany her. The other is my MOH's (my sister) husband who we've named the Guest of Honor at our wedding for serving 3 tours overseas in the military - and he's just an awesome guy! The remaining 5 are significant others/spouses of those in the wedding party and all but one is traveling. I'd hate to think about those people sitting in a hotel room alone while we're out having a nice dinner together. I don't think 8 out of all those people is too terrible of a number but I guess his parent's are a bit upset. My problem is that they had the attitude of "do whatever you want and we'll take care of it" and now they're upset. It just doesn't make sense and now I feel terrible :(  I never did go overboard with anything so I'm just a bit miffed with the RD issue. Also, if they were really this upset shouldn't they have come to me and told me to keep the significant others/spouses out of the dinner?
Also, I've read that RDs are for WP and OOT guests as well. Am I wrong?
PLEASE NOTE: I never expected his parent's to do anything for the wedding and I'm extremely grateful for what they've done. I'm just confused & wish some communication would have taken place and not sure how to handle it from here. Do I say something or leave it alone?  Ok.... bracing myself for answers...

Re: FIL and RD

  • edited December 2011
    BTW-  I'm including FI and me, my parents and his parents are in with the WP number. We're each having 7 people.
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    You don't have to invite the OOT guests but you MUST invite the spouses of your WP (or their parents if they are minor children).

    What I'd say is, "Thank you so much for your generosity.  We'll pay for those people to be there."

    Instead of arguing, pay for them yourself and be matter-of-fact that they will be invited.  To not invite them would be very rude not just to those guests but to your WP as well.
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    As usual - I agree with banana.

    Spouses and significant others of wedding party members must be invited.  It's ridiculous to think that they shouldn't be invited.  The same goes for the parents of the flower girl.  Other out of town guests do not have to be invited.  If they balk at inviting SOs, you'll have to pay for them yourself.  It's really wrong to not include them.

    And, here's a little tip: telling people how to respond does not go over well.  If you don't want snarky answers, then be logical, nice, and open to suggestions.  In short, be a rational and mature adult and things will go swimmingly here.
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks girls :) I wasn't really telling people HOW to respond.. just a suggestion to respond nicely. I'm definitely open for suggestions, just hate it when people get too over the top.
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    People do go over the top here - I just ignore them :-)
  • edited December 2011
  • edited December 2011
    Personally I think the RD should be for immediate family and their significant others, wedding party and their significant others.  I do not like adding in out of town guests (unless they fall into one of the above categories).  I am surprised your MIL has been so generous and then freaked out over this detail.

    I would approach her with reason or including the people you mentioned.  Explain things just like you did to us.  If she still does not want to pay for the extra people, she is not obligated to because she is hosting the event and if I were you I would offer to pay for the extra guests. 

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  • erolliserollis member
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    edited December 2011
    Thank you for being so considerate in wanting to invites s/o and the parents. My Fi was not invited to a reversal dinner with me. The other s/o were also not invited and we found this very rude. Especially if any of them are traveling. If they still won't see to reason after your fiance talking to them you just have to pay for them yourself.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thank you guys so much :) Sorry erollis. I think that's why I'm so sensitive to it because I traveled to a wedding once before that my ex boyfriend was in and I wasn't invited to the RD. It was awkward and lonely just sitting in the hotel room watching TV while I knew they were all having a good time.
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    First of all,  your FI needs to deal with his family business himself.  He should not be bringing that crap to you.  He needed to turn to his mother and say, "Look mom, we have to invite the spouses.  That's how these things go."  Period. 

    Next, the RD always includes the spouses of people in the WP, and always includes the parents of minors in the WP.

    And I think you should not do anything at all.  The RD is the only thing that the groom's parents get to host in the whole weekend of activities, and it's probably the case that your FMIL is just shooting off her mouth about this because it's the only thing she is hosting and can comment on.
  • edited December 2011

    I feel your pain. My FI's parents weren't aware of the OOT thing and got a little ruffled when I mentioned that there would be an extra 6-8 people at the RD. When I offered to pay, it was fine, but keep in mind that offering to bring your OOT to the RD is usually for two main reasons.
    It's a nice way of giving them an extra thank you for booking the flight, taking off work (if necessary) or even finding a sitter for children or pets.
    Also, you're going to be busy walking around trying to talk to everyone in one night. This will give you a chance to get together before the day and visit with them. I'd hate to think of your OOT only getting a two minute chat after flying or driving for hours.
    Additionally, my added issue was this: My OOTers are going to be staying with family. Family that is in the wedding party. Do I really expect my parents or sister to pick them up from the airport, bring them back to their house and then say "see ya, I'm going to a fancy dinner. Here's the remote"?
    Paying the bill of the extra people might help. But having a rational explanation for inviting them might calm the waters a bit as well.

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