Family Unity When Child Is 17!!!

zummacks · September 2010

My fiancé and I are really looking forward to including his 17 year old son into our ceremony. He will be the Best Man, but we want to do a nice Family Unity Ceremony as well. I don't like the idea of mixing sand or of lighting a candle (the wedding will be outside), but I don't know what to do! Because he's no longer a child, I would like something more adult... any ideas? ALL IDEAS WELCOME!!!

Thanks!
Stacy

SaraAndrew2010 · September 2010

Have you asked FI's son if he wants to be involved in some kind of unity ceremony? Most 17 year old boys I know would probably not want to get up at the front of a wedding and tie a knot or pour sand symbolizing their unity with a new step-parent.

If he actually does want some kind of unity ceremony, ask him what he would like to do.

megk8oz · September 2010

Ditto the PPs, just ask what, if anything, he wants to do. If he says "Oh, I'd like to do x", go with that.

DH's dad got remarried when he was 10 (And his sister was 12), and then again at 16 (Sister was 18). The first wedding he was a ring bearer and his sister was a Jr. BM, but that was the extent of their participation. The second time, they both were just invited to the wedding, but they did not participate in the ceremony at all (Neither did Wife #3's two children, who were both in their 20s at the time).

If he doesn't want to do anything other than be his dad's Best Man, please do not press the issue with him.

trix1223 · September 2010

The wedding is for you and your FI. A wedding is, IMO, the ceremony that makes a man and a woman husband and wife. A ceremony can't make a family. That comes with time, ups and downs, sharing joys and sorrows, and lots and lots and lots of experiences, both good and bad.

I'd say having him as your Best Man is very much involving him. Leave him out of the ceremony.

duckie1905 · September 2010

IMO, being the best man is enough. He doesn't need to be involved in the ceremony. The ceremony is for you and your FI.

mysticl · September 2010

I was 18 when my mom remarried. I didn't go to the wedding, I was away at school. If I had been able to attendI would have been very offended if I was asked to participate in some unity ceremony because I would have felt I was being asked to publicly declare her husband a replacement for my father.

If anyone talks to him about this it should be his father, not you.

2dBride · September 2010

I would be particularly concerned about a ceremony that might be seen as requiring your FI's son to make any kind of vows. In the first place, this could easily be seen as disrespectful to his mother. In the second place, you and your FI chose each other, but his son did not make that choice. So having him do some sort of unity thing might make him feel like he is vowing to something he never had a right to opt into or out of in the first place.

zummacks · September 2010

Thanks for all of your ideas! I spoke it over with my fiancé and we've decided that we will give him a gift (probably a watch) but not do a unity ceremony. We think we might do a silly speech or something later in the evening because we are a silly bunch -- his son included.

Thanks!

trix1223 · September 2010

A silly speech later in the evening is just fine. The pocketwatch is great. None of us are saying not to involve.d your future SS. We're saying that the ceremony is for the two of you. Involve him in every other part other than the ceremony~I have no problem with that! GL

Wrkn925 · September 2010

My parents both got remarried in my teens.
I never even considered that I should be a part of it til reading these posts.

I wasn't offended then, and I still don't feel like I was left out of anything.
(Just letting you know I don't think they'll resent you as an adult for not including them.)

Family Unity When Child Is 17!!!

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