kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no.

aelhunt · April 2010

Ok, here is the deal. We are not having kids at the wedding. My sister-in-law and brother are in the wedding and I would like my niece and nephew to be there (13 and 10). His brother and him have had a falling out and his sister-in-law is nasty towards me..long story.... and they will have a 2 year old and 11mo old that I do not want at the wedding- no crying needed other than us. What to do? I sent out a save the date and it said "adult reception/wedding" and they replied back with 'we just ask that our kids be there" and not b/c they want them to be with us, b/c they are being difficult and can't find a babysitter for 4 hours (which they can).

How do I reply? HELP!

Crissyo · April 2010

Wow...can't believe how rude some people are on this board!
In any case, while I agree that having some kids and not others can be a problem...I actually see a perfect solution...you are talking about a 13 and 10 year old and then babies....total difference. You can simply say that you are having older kids and not babies....I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I would offer to help them find a babysitter...maybe someone who can stay at the hotel while they are at the reception? I had an issue where a friend of my FI's wanted to bring his six month old. We said we were sorry but "no", because then we felt it would be unfair to all of our other friends who left their babies at home. The only kids we had at our weddiong were Fi's kids...4 and 9. We hired a babysitter to be with them the whole night and the 4 year old wound up falling asleep and spent the end of the night in the bridal suite with the babysitter. I had tons of friends and relatives with kids that age, but didn't think it was appropriate. However, I did have some thirteen and fourteen year olds. So, again in my opinion, it really is your choice....and I think that you can definitely differentiate between a 10 and 13 year old ( preteens) and two year old and 11 month old ( toddlers and babies)
Good Luck!

wadingmoose · April 2010

In all the time I've been posting here, one question has always eluded me. It isn't a question about which kids to invite or how to punish those closest to us - whether family or friends.

What I never, ever understand is why people think it's ok to slight either their family or their future-in-laws. These are people that you really should have a life-long relationship with. It lasts longer than your wedding day. It'll last longer than dirty diapers, runny noses and crying through the ceremony. These are the people you ideally will be looking across the table at at family dinners for the next 50 years or more - you know, if all goes as planned.

What makes you think that not inviting your future brother-in-law's children would be a GOOD decision? You know, when you look past your wedding day to the days after the wedding that REALLY matter.

If only someone could actually answer that in a way that made sense to me. Are you the one to do that?

kalie1 · April 2010

It sounds wrong to say "My neices & nephews are invited but his aren't". And you're asking for trouble by calling it an adults-only event when it's really not. That is, unless yours are actually a part of the ceremony as someone else mentioned. However, yours are waaay older. And if a 10 year old is the youngest one there than I don't think they have ground to be angry when there kids are so much younger!! Generally I think a 10 & 13 year old will be able to behave themselves, whereas both the 2 year old & 11 month old could end up throwing a tantrum in the middle of your ceremony! I don't see why they would WANT to bring children that young anyway?? And then after you invited them, they proceeded to TELL you that they are bringing their kids? Last I checked, the guests aren't the ones who decide who is invited!

I had the same problem, except this is a distant relative of mine that I haven't seen in probably 15 years. I invited her & her husband (she facebooked me "oh I can't wait for your wedding!" when I hadn't even planned on inviting her in the first place) Then she called me & tried to invite her 4 kids, PLUS her sister (who I didn't know existed) AND her sisters kids! You know what I told her? "I hope you will be able to get a sitter for the night & we'll see you there. If not, we'll sure miss you & lets plan on catching up some other time".

tidetravel · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-niecenephew-yes-but-his?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f6184be-2eb4-4442-9234-db57f2fc8fbaPost:faec4003-9ff2-49ca-a5ea-f8b567d9a2a5">Re: kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no.</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds wrong to say "My neices & nephews are invited but his aren't". And you're asking for trouble by calling it an adults-only event when it's really not. That is, unless yours are actually a part of the ceremony as someone else mentioned. However, yours are waaay older. And if a 10 year old is the youngest one there than I don't think they have ground to be angry when there kids are so much younger!! <strong>Generally I think a 10 & 13 year old will be able to behave themselves</strong>, whereas both the 2 year old & 11 month old could end up throwing a tantrum in the middle of your ceremony! I don't see why they would WANT to bring children that young anyway?? And then after you invited them, they proceeded to TELL you that they are bringing their kids? Last I checked, the guests aren't the ones who decide who is invited! I had the same problem, except this is a distant relative of mine that I haven't seen in probably 15 years. I invited her & her husband (she facebooked me "oh I can't wait for your wedding!" when I hadn't even planned on inviting her in the first place) Then she called me & tried to invite her 4 kids, PLUS her sister (who I didn't know existed) AND her sisters kids! You know what I told her? "I hope you will be able to get a sitter for the night & we'll see you there. If not, we'll sure miss you & lets plan on catching up some other time".
Posted by kalie1[/QUOTE]

Clearly you haven't been around many preteens.

kalie1 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-niecenephew-yes-but-his?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f6184be-2eb4-4442-9234-db57f2fc8fbaPost:f657cef9-1421-4473-8722-0d6c60f4b38e">Re: kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no. : Clearly you haven't been around many preteens.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

You think 13 year olds behave like 2 year olds? Crying, tantrums & throwing food around? They aren't fully adults but most likely would not be very disruptive, IMO. And I have brothers that age; I've been around them plenty.

Pirata13 · April 2010

Wow yeah that's rude. ESPECIALLY with it being family. If you are inviting YOUR niece and nephew, you shouold be inviting HIS as well. No matter the relationship situation. If the relationship with his brother & wife is THAT craptastic, then they shouldn't have been invited period, right? So you need to suck it up here and invite FI's brother's kids. If you all have any hope of reconciling or patching things up later, you need to do it.

vsgal · April 2010

Let them bring their kids. What is the big deal?

So what if they cry? You will still be married at the end of the day and nobody will walk out from your wedding saying "That ceremony would have been better if the kid hadn't started crying".

You already have a strained relationship with BIL and SIL. Do you really want to make it worse by excluding their kids?

Sounds like you acting younger than the baby!

Audrey&Austin · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-niecenephew-yes-but-his?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f6184be-2eb4-4442-9234-db57f2fc8fbaPost:9aac89ab-8b31-448a-89f1-39a07287a241">Re: kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no. : <strong>You think 13 year olds behave like 2 year olds? </strong>Crying, tantrums & throwing food around? They aren't fully adults but most likely would not be very disruptive, IMO. And I have brothers that age; I've been around them plenty.
Posted by kalie1[/QUOTE]
Umm... I remember when I was in school, the cafeteria wasn't exactly the cleanest place because there was this little known thing called a "food fight". I know, it was only at my elementary & middle school & high school that kids misbehaved on a daily basis. And yes, some kids throw tantrums at all ages. Some adults act as bad as a two year old in public. I still think its pretty awful for you to say its an adult reception when its obvious that its not.

wadingmoose · April 2010

I suppose the lack of an answer to my question here means this little mystery will remain unsolved. Oh well. I tried.

Krysti21 · April 2010

If you want an "adult-only" reception, then your niece and nephew cannot be invited. Otherwise, you'll have some pissed off parents. If your (and your FI's) relationships with your BIL and SIL are so awful, why did you invite them to begin with?

It sucks, but if you invite ANY kids, you have to allow ALL kids, IMO.

Audrey&Austin · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-niecenephew-yes-but-his?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f6184be-2eb4-4442-9234-db57f2fc8fbaPost:64181cf1-84fe-4901-aac7-047a8aa69fe7">Re: kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no.</a>:
[QUOTE]In all the time I've been posting here, one question has always eluded me. It isn't a question about which kids to invite or how to punish those closest to us - whether family or friends. <strong>What I never, ever understand is why people think it's ok to slight either their family or their future-in-laws. These are people that you really should have a life-long relationship with. It lasts longer than your wedding day. It'll last longer than dirty diapers, runny noses and crying through the ceremony. </strong> These are the people you ideally will be looking across the table at at family dinners for the next 50 years or more - you know, if all goes as planned. What makes you think that not inviting your future brother-in-law's children would be a GOOD decision? You know, when you look past your wedding day to the days after the wedding that REALLY matter. If only someone could actually answer that in a way that made sense to me. Are you the one to do that?
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]<div>Some brides feel like it is their day (said in that high-pitched whine whilst stamping their foot). They want it to look a certain way and try to get their guests to look a certain way. This is about their day after all, they can do whatever they want and nobody can say anything about it!! </div><div>On the note about kids at the ceremony, my fiance and I are not kids-people (some people aren't dog people or cat people). Having anyone other than our flower girl who we've been around for about two years, we've seen her grow up, her father and his girlfriend are a huge part of our lives. There aren't any other children that we're close to, why would we invite them? We would be uncomfortable, and there is a chance I might snap at a kid during the ceremony. I wouldn't want it to, but I know me and how I handle stress and kids I don't like. After talking with family and friends, the few that this would actually effect, they don't see a problem with it. They know we don't like kids really and its not something we (or his family for that matter) want. </div><div>And honestly, while I'm on the kid rant, why cant a parent part with their little angel for one night? Understand, we know you love that rugrat, but we would prefer if you didn't bring it everywhere. Leave it at home and enjoy a night out with the grownups. </div><div>HTH</div>

wadingmoose · April 2010

I hate kids too, so you're preaching to the choir. However, my question had nothing to do with the kids/no kids debate.

It had everything to do with how/why you would make a decision that affects 6-8 hours of your life short term, but the rest of your life long term.

Lillycat88 · April 2010

I think there is a huge difference between a 10 yo and a 2yo. I am in a similar situation with my family and part of FI family. We are considering having a boat as a venue which is not child friendly!! So we are saying absolute no to under 10 at least, (excluding my flower girl). Children get bored at weddings and their parents constantly need to be watching and entertaining.
Plus a 2 yo is not going to remember your big day, a 10 nd 13 yo will be able to and happy to be included.

In this situation, because it seems like your FILs are going to make a fuss I would def go with the suggestion of trying to find a babysitter. Or asking if there is someone that could pick them up after the ceremony if they are that insistant that they come to that.

kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no.

Re: kids- my niece/nephew-yes, but his-no.

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