Moving for BF?

afreeman386 · July 2010

Hey y'all,

I'm new here but I need some advice. I am not engaged, a date hasn't been set, and the only things that have been "planned" for my wedding are those things you see on TV or at other weddings and you say "oh that would be nice." However, my boyfriend and I have acknowledged that we are on the path towards getting engaged and that one day we will be married. The only problem is he lives in Florida and I live in South Carolina. BF wants me to move to Florida to be with him. My question for you ladies is what level of commitment would you expect before moving to a different state for your SO?

Ana_2985 · July 2010

I think you should only move if you are completely 100% comfortable with it.

Before I moved from the NE to FL to live with my BF (now FI), I needed to be sure we were on the same page. He asked me to move to FL after I finished graduate school. By that time, we had already been discussing marriage for about a year. Before I agreed to move, we decided that we were both ready to get married. I love and trust him so I didn't need a ring in order to believe he was serious. He ended up proposing about 3 months after I moved.

redheadfsu · July 2010

1. Can you find a better or equal job down were he lives? Please don't rely on him supporting you.
2. Do you have friends or family down there? Would you only know him?
3. How long have you been together? Have you two ever lived near each other. Or has it always been a LDR?

If he is the only one you know down there, then you will probably be lonely & it might take you time to find a good job to support yourself. Why can't he move to where you are?

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

I'd be damned sure we were serious before I uprooted my life for someone. You say that you guys are "on the path to getting engaged" so it sounds like you have been having talks about the future and that you guys are on the same page.

Have you thought about what you would do in FL? Are you still in school? If so, have you thought about education options? Can you find a job in your field? This, and along with talks about your relationship, should definitely be considered before you move.

GL.

Ana_2985 · July 2010

I'd like to add that I agree with everything Red and Pepper said. They are absolutely things you should address before you make a decision. I didn't mention it because you just asked about the level of commitment, not about whether or not you should move.

shihtzulover1 · July 2010

That's a big step. Are you comfortable with moving that far from your home, and from your family? Also, are you 100% sure that you both feel the same way about your relationship? I would hate for you to move that far away and end up being disappointed, or not having it work out. I think you should talk to him about where your relationship is going, just to be sure that you both feel the same way about everything.

In any case, good luck!

afreeman386 · July 2010

He lived here for the first year and a half we dated then moved to Florida about 6 months ago after receiving an incredible job offer. I just finished graduate school and while I have a job here its nothing I would consider a long time career. I get along with his friends and I love their gfs/wives but I don't know anyone there that he hasn't introduced me to.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

Agree with Pepper...why can't he move to SC to be with you?

I'd be very careful in this situation. You have to make sure that you will be able to establish a life in FL (work, school if applicable, friends, etc.) You have to ask yourself if you are REALLY comfortable uprooting your life for your BF.

I wouldn't necessarily need a ring to move for someone, but I WOULD need a long-term relationship with someone that I was POSITIVE there would be a future with.

Also, would you live with BF in FL or would you just move to FL? My brother moved from New York to Italy to be with his boyfriend of two years and then his BF decided he didn't even want to move in with him! Needless to say, that relationship didn't last...

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

After your second post, it seems like it wouldn't really be a problem for you to move to FL, but you're apprehensive to do so because you're not "engaged" or anything that would seem ostensibly serious. However, only you two can decide if it's serious. You don't need a ring to be serious. What you do need is a mutual set of beliefs and long-term goals.

afreeman386 · July 2010

Thank y'all so much for all of your advice!! You've given me some really good things to think about and talk to BF about.

loves2shop - what happened to your brother is horrible!! I would absolutely die, or kill the bf

. My parents are very traditional and I think they would have a heart attack if I called to say I was moving in with someone before we were married. A bit old fashioned I know, but out of respect for them I would be getting my own place

musikbx · July 2010

Just make sure you get something out of the deal... I told boyfriend I would only move for him if he bought me a Vespa ;-)

jeanacorina · July 2010

I moved from West Virginia to Louisiana for my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time. He didn't propose for two years or so after I moved, but we were both very commited to each other and I didn't have anything holding me in West Virginia. He was in college in Louisiana, so I was the only mobile one at the time.

We were tired of being long-distance. We were 100% ready to be together full-time. He asked me to move in with him on the last day of my vacation (I was visiting) and I didn't hesitate to say "Yes."

If you have to hesitate, then you're not ready to move for someone else. It's not anything bad about your relationship... it's just that moving so far is a BIG deal. I didn't have any friends of my own outside of work for probably a year or so. I had to build my social life all over again. It was HARD.

But I would go through all that a million times over as long as I knew without a doubt I was in love and ready to sacrifice anything in my comfort zone for it.

Long story short, it's tough, it's worth it, but only if you're 110% certain that you won't regret it, even if it's years before you get a proposal (or, what if you never marry him?).

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

BTW, OP -- my BF has expressed interest in a graduate program in Minnesota (we're both native NYers) and I would not hesitate to go with him, even though we're not engaged yet. When it's right, you just know.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

PPs have given you great advice! I wouldn't move unless I was totally comfortable - it's really only something you can decide. Talk it over and weigh out the pros and cons. Good luck, hun. Let us know how it goes!!

KD+BC · July 2010

I think it all depends on what you have where you currently live. For me, my whole family (we're talking grandparents 19 aunts and uncles and 20+ cousins) and friends are here. It would be really hard for me to leave them and there would have to be a damn good reason why my bf couldn't move here. However, if you are not as emotionally attached to your town, you're probably different.

Here's another thing to think about. If you are planning on living by yourself, will you be able to find a job in your field that will support the cost of living in the new town? My friend was a teacher here who owned his own home. He decided to move to DC and now rents an apartment with a roommate because his half of the rent is more than his mortgage was here and he makes roughly the same salary.

GL, it sounds like you are really thinking this through.

afreeman386 · July 2010

I just wanted to thank all y'all again for your advice and encouragement, you've been a great impartial voice and so kind. I'm obviously not ready to make any final decisions right now but I've decided to start (slowly) looking for jobs and houses down there!! My biggest hesitation has nothing to do with my BF but more is based on being in a new city and feeling stuck. I figure looking at what the job and housing market is like down there will help ease these fears. Again, thank y'all soo much, you've been incredible and I will keep everyone posted on how it works out!!

[Deleted User] · July 2010

Moving for someone is a VERY big deal - esp moving to a different state. I just did this back in April - I moved from Missouri to Louisiana and didn't know anyone at all other than my FI and FFIL. All I can say is be very sure about your relationship and have a serious talk with your BF to be sure you're on the same page. But..I also agree with Jeana - if you are questioning it at all, then this probably isn't the right time.

Good luck!

bajediva · July 2010

To answer your original question, when BF and I first discussed me moving (then I was in NYC, he's in CA), I told him that I would only move in if we were certain we were both ready for marriage in the very near future. I said it was also ok if he was not ready to commit to that even though we were moving towards it, but in that case, I would get my own place.

Then things changed for me, and I moved to the Caribbean at the start of the year. I've got an awesome job opportunity there, and he's been so supportive, but I'm actively looking into cutting my contract in half to move back to the US to be with him - I'm the more mobile one because of his doctorate program. At this point, I would move in because I know being in the same place is the only pending condition on getting this marriage thing together.

npasquale16 · July 2010

The PPs are absolutely right, but I'll share my story, too. My FI moved to NJ from IN after we'd been dating long distance for about a year/year and a half. It was really the only way our relationship could progress and we knew we wanted to take it to the next level. However, it definitely is a big commitment! Take time to make sure you'd be comfortable starting a whole new life before you move and be clear about your expectations for your relationship. Almost two years after he moved, he proposed and we feel like we're really prepared to be married to each other for the rest of our lives

Narwhal · July 2010

Oh hey girl SC wuddup!

lodonnell616 · July 2010

I agree, the PPs have made some great comments...but of course can weigh in here, so I will.

I decided to move permanently to Germany, from Boston to be with BF. Granted, for us the LD would have just been way too far away to continue the relationship otherwise, and I was already living in Germany temporarily at the time, but still. I gave up my life at home permanently for him. It was almost 4 years ago now, and I haven't regretted the decision once.

However, my caveat to this is that it does depend on alot of other factors such as: Career prospects (Would you be able to find a job that you like, if not, would he move for you after a certain point where you were unsuccessful?). Life prospects (i.e. new friends, hobbies, etc.), its important to get involved in something as your old friends, although you'll still be in touch, won't be the shoulders to cry on or the people to meet for coffee anymore...and I think this piece is critical. Its also alot easier for some than others, however most importantly is the desire to work on it. And of course, timelines for moving forward with life. Being open and honest with eachother is key.

nefariousmango · July 2010

I have three friends who moved to be w/ boy who they then ended up breaking up with. Two of them ended up meeting their now-husbands in their new towns and getting jobs they love, and one is bitter and moved back home the moment they broke up BUT she knew he wasn't the one when she moved there and has acknowledged that it was stupid. I guess my point is, move if you want a change of scenery and can get a good job, and hopefully things with work out with your boyfriend!

The best advice I got overall: Don't move in unless you're certain you won't move out! So having your own place is a good idea too, I think, at this stage.

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