August 2012 Weddings
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what would you do

hi ladies i am kind of torn. I feel like fi's family is adding a lot of undue stress. Here is the newest thing:
 fiance is really close to his younger cousin, she is like a sister to him. She grew up ina  really broken home nad her mom had a lot of mental health issues (my fiances mom's sister)...so she often spent time at fi's parents house, for dinner, sleep overs etc. She is 10 years younger so he really cared about her.

She is 16 and in high school now. She no longer lives with her mother, and instead lives 5 hours south with her aunt and uncle (my fiances aunt and uncle).
That aunt and uncle run a business that is based from their home and they can not leave it to attend our wedding. They haven't TOLD us this, but its been kind of unspoken for a while.

Since they couldn't come, they paid for fi's grandparents to come --since they were struggling financially and on a limited budget.

His cousin, was always assuming she would come. She's been saving for two years to come out here. Now I got an email today from fi's mom that said she isn't coming anymore because she had a bad report card and also she did't save enough money.

I know everyone grows up differently and i grew up in a family that woul;nd't expect a 16 yr old to plan and pay for a trip cross country.She's only a few hundred dollars short-and she can stay in the hotel room w her grandparents....
I had offered to chip ina  bit of money- but to be honest, finances are really tight for us. (obvi we are paying for a wedding)
I was hoping the rest of the family would too

but I don't know if its my place to contact fi's aunt and say "hey we are willing to chip in and pay for her meals while she is here or something to help it so she can come out...." or if that is rude? Obvisously they made the decision and told her she couldn't go
i think its to punish her for her bad report card, more so than the monetary aspect

and i feellike in realtity the person being punished is my fiance. He consideres his cousin his sibling and he is so upset over this.
Am i wrong to contact the aunt and ask her what the deal is?
www.weddedeverafter.blogspot.com
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Re: what would you do

  • i2012doi2012do member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited May 2012
    side note: I don't feel like our wedding should be like a special treat to get as a reward for good behavior or something to be taken away for bad behavior. and anotherside note, i do know that the family caring for her is financially stable enough to afford to send her- even without our contributions since they have mentioned this.
    www.weddedeverafter.blogspot.com
    167 Invited image 34 Attending image Declined 4 image Still Waiting 129 image
  • I think this is something you need to leave to your FI to handle. He knows better than anyone how this is making him feel and how best to communicate that to his cousin's Aunt and Uncle caretakers.

    I agree that your wedding should not be regarded as a 'treat' or inversely as a 'punishment' but that's the way the Aunt and Uncle are looking at it, so the only way to 'fix' this is for your FI to talk to them.

    You should both be prepared for the conversation to not work.
    ExerciseMilestone
  • i2012doi2012do member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary

    I was kind of hoping to word the e-mail like I wanted to say "i know it would mean a lot to my fiance".To be honest I feel bad to make him "step in" on YET another family issue. This has been like the 20th thing. He is consistantly the"bad" guy cuz he has to make calls or send e-mails.
    For example his parents not booking flights, his aunt not rsvping to my shower, etc.

    www.weddedeverafter.blogspot.com
    167 Invited image 34 Attending image Declined 4 image Still Waiting 129 image
  • If its really that important to him, it may be best to call; an email may feel too passive. Unfortunately, if its his family that's making all that drama, he's the one who needs to deal with it... :(
    ExerciseMilestone
  • i2012doi2012do member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary

    She shared a room the last time she went away to a wedding with his grandparents that's why I mention that. For me, as a teen that would be weird! but for her probably not- the rooms are suites so there is apull out in a separte living area- so maybe its ok.Plus she lived with them for 3-4 years in the past.

    I just feel bad shes shuffled around and she means a lot ot my fiance he wanted her to do a reading--sooooo annoying.
    my family isnt like this, so its hard to deal w a family that is so segmented. We are very close and we talk all the time!

    www.weddedeverafter.blogspot.com
    167 Invited image 34 Attending image Declined 4 image Still Waiting 129 image
  • They are right.  It is best to let it come from your FI since its his family. I dont agree that he is being the bad guy. What he is doing is making sure the important people in his life stay on track and focus on his day!  If his Aunt and Uncle havent figured out how important this is to him and that this is the wrong way to punish someone its your FI's responsibility to let them know how he feels.   You have enough stress to work through like all the rest of us Brides!!!! Every family is different and he grew up with this one and knows best how to deal with them.  Trust him, He can handle it :)
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  • i2012doi2012do member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    thanks ladies this is a toughie.
    www.weddedeverafter.blogspot.com
    167 Invited image 34 Attending image Declined 4 image Still Waiting 129 image
  • I am sorry you are in this position, this is a tough situation like you said.  I agree with PPs that you should have your FI talk to the girl's guardians, especially if he wants her to be a reader.  Keep us updated and good luck!!
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