MY MOTHER!!! Vent but advice appreciated

Re: MY MOTHER!!! Vent but advice appreciated

• em01092 member

  

  January 2012 edited January 2012

  I'm very sorry your mother is not supportive. It sucks, but you have to make decisions as an adult that others may not always understand or support. 

  
  

  I would just limit what wedding plans you share with her, and find others to discuss wedding planning with. I know that isn't what you want, but you cannot force her to change her feelings. It looks as though you are having a short engagement based on your ticker, so I don't know if 6 months is enough time for her to come around if you've been with your FI and going through things with him for far longer, but maybe. 

  
  

  Perhaps you should lay it out like this: "Mom, I get that you don't like ___, but this is the decision I have made and I'd appreciate if you could at least respect that. If you don't want to discuss wedding stuff that's fine, but I don't want to lose you over this either." See what she says.

  
  

  Also, I'd call her bluff about not attending your wedding. Most of the time parents say that and don't follow through. 

  
  

  Obviously she probably will not offer to help financially, so you and your FI need to be able to plan a wedding you can afford. This is also good because with money comes strings, so she will have no right to tell you what to do for your wedding if she isn't paying. 

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• SoonToBeMrsNuckols

  

  January 2012

  The engagement is actually short.. We were engaged October 14th of 2011.. I have not discussed anything about the wedding with her because I dont want to rub her face in it so to speak.   I have even gone so far as to have 99% of my discussions about the wedding when I know im not around her.. I actually have scheduled "wedding discussions".
  As for the budget.. We began planning a simple wedding, one we are simple ourselves.. two.. cant afford a big wedding.. As a surprise my FIL's requested to host and pay for the reception and my FSIL requested to make my cake.. The officiant is actually a familiy friend.. Thankfully everyone but my mother is accepting and excited about the wedding..

  

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• RaptorSLH member

  

  January 2012

  Em has good advice...provided you first take a long, hard look at your relationship and why it failed the first time.  You have a history, and children, and that makes it all the more difficult to see objectively, (already hard enough when you are smitten.)  Your mother could be holding on to bitterness from your first break up - or seeing some red flags that you are not.   Your twins want their daddy, but how much worse would it be if they had him full time, then lost him again, or saw their parents trapped in a relationship gone wrong? 

  
  

  You should consider couples counseling before you get married.  Many officiants require it for everyone they marry anyway.  Take time with a professional to sort out any lingering issues, and to prevent new ones by working through the sort of things that can cause major problems down the road.  Your marriage will be healthier for it, and it may help convince your mother that he is right for you after all.  Even if it doesn't, you will know you have done everything possible to do right by you, your FI, and your children.

  

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• RaptorSLH member

  

  January 2012 edited January 2012

  I'm interested that CMGr and I had exactly opposite interpretations of Mom's behavior, but similar solutions.

  

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• SoonToBeMrsNuckols

  

  January 2012

  The Issues that broke my FI and I up in the first place are solved and we have worked thru them.. 
  My FI is very supportive and sometimes he does get up set at how my mother is acting because he sees how upset that I have gotten because of my mother.
  MY FI and I have already been in counseling to make sure our issues are solved.. and dont creep up.. Neither one of us believe in divorce.. were not against it if thats what other people feel they must do but  neither one of us are for it either.
  As I said before everyone else in the families is very supportive and my baby brothers have told me they would be there for me... My Baby brother has even put in for vacation time to be there for me.
  I just wish i didnt care so much about how my mother acts... Im hurt.. I couldnt imagine ever acting this way towards one of my children..

  

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• em01092 member

  

  January 2012

  Some people just hold grudges. My best friend's mom is like this towards my FI, even though she's met him once and didn't even try to get to know him (at our engagement party). 

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• melntaitt member

  

  January 2012

  Oh, that's touchy; especially with family and dealing with these issues during weddding planning.
  
  I guess the question is: Do I want my mother involved?
  
  If the answer is yes, then you two will need some counseling to work toward a common goal. The goal probably won't be Mum accepting your pending marriage and fiance, but accepting your choices...period.
  
  If your answer is no, then you should learn to live with the fact that the relationship you have with her is pretty disfunctional and something you will have to live with. What that is going to mean is understanding that she won't ever accept your choices and being ok with that.
  
  However you choose to go, I truly wish you luck. Family dynamics in weddings are very tricky and deep down inside most little girls love the thought of sitting with Mum approvingly going over flower arrangements, dresses, etc. but above all, having Mum be as excited for you as you are for yourself.
  
  />>>hugs<<<
  

  

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• calindi member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-vent-but-advice-appreciated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3fdb6df8-601e-4c44-9386-a3fe1304d26fPost:cf3531f0-bcf4-4c4e-a9ba-95eb1d7341e4">Re: MY MOTHER!!! Vent but advice appreciated</a>:
  [QUOTE]The Issues that broke my FI and I up in the first place are solved and we have worked thru them..  My FI is very supportive and sometimes he does get up set at how my mother is acting because he sees how upset that I have gotten because of my mother. MY FI and I have already been in counseling to make sure our issues are solved.. and dont creep up.. Neither one of us believe in divorce.. were not against it if thats what other people feel they must do but  neither one of us are for it either. As I said before everyone else in the families is very supportive and my baby brothers have told me they would be there for me... My Baby brother has even put in for vacation time to be there for me. I just wish i didnt care so much about how my mother acts... Im hurt.. I couldnt imagine ever acting this way towards one of my children..
  Posted by SoonToBeMrsNuckols[/QUOTE]
  
  I'm super glad for you both, and your kids, that you guys have taken a serious step to resolving your issues.  Counseling can be very helpful, but it helps if both parties are open to it, so it's good you both have tried hard to work on issues together!
  
  That said, I don't understand what it means to "believe in divorce".  It isn't the Easter Bunny, divorce happens.  People who don't "believe in divorce" seem to end up divorced more than you'd think.  Marriage isn't something that bonds people or solves their problems - it's a legal status (and religious, if that's your thing) but it is up to the people to create the relationship and maintain it.  You can choose not to get divorced, but a failed marriage could still happen.  Your mother might end up being a bigger issue down the line, which can cause marital issues, so it's important you deal with how her negative view of your relationship will be handled jointly.  More counseling can't hurt, right?  It's already helped you both reconcile.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• AllisonW423

  

  January 2012

  CMGr, That picture of your daughter makes me smile. She looks so beautiful and happy!
  
  OP- The grandmother of which I speak sounds like your mom. My Gma has two daughters; one is my mom, who she still talks to and likes. The other daughter, my aunt, had a similar situation to yours. My Gma did not approve of the man she married, and made that well known. While she kept up appearances with my aunt and uncle and their three kids for a while, eventually my Gma blew up and refused to talk to them, or even acknowledge their existence. For the record, my uncle is a great guy, and the relationship between my aunt and uncle is amazing.
  
  While my Gma's behavior caused sadness and stress in our family, particularly for the three little kids that my Gma has "forgotten" exist, that family's lives have improved dramatically since her exit. There is so much less day-to-day stress for them since they don't have to listen to her abusive and cruel comments anymore.
  
  Moral of my family drama story: I understand that you want a great relationship with your mother, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. However, maybe a little distance between you and your mom will not be a bad thing right now. As other posters have said, she probably isn't going to change overnight, or ever.
  
  Good luck, and congratulations on your engagement!
  
  
  

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• Meghannsix member

  

  January 2012

  I'm a big believer in "you can't change what other people do, only how you react".  I agree with counseling, it's always a good thing.  My mom is not totallly on board either, not to the extent of yours, but she's just disinterested, so I talk about anything, except for wedding stuff, it's working well for us so far!

  

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• kennazebrowsky

  

  January 2012

  Sure mom is trying to protect you and has obvious reasons for it. All you can do is kindly ask her to be there for you on your day. It sucks but the bad history is what is causing it. Maybe your fiancé should talk to her. Apologize for whatever he has done and promise to do better.

  

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• SoonToBeMrsNuckols

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-vent-but-advice-appreciated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3fdb6df8-601e-4c44-9386-a3fe1304d26fPost:ee7c4113-3fa3-4583-8819-6ebf9afc89ca">Re: MY MOTHER!!! Vent but advice appreciated</a>:
  [QUOTE]NOBODY "believes in divorce."  NOBODY goes into marriage hoping to get one. It's a painful experience that can leave a lifelong scar on the couple.  You owe an apology to those women on the board who had to make the very painful decision to end their marriages.  A lot of women lie in graves because their families or their religions "didn't believe in" divorce, and they thought they'd be damned if they left abusive husbands.
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  I am sorry if I offended anyone by my quote about divorce. It was not intended to offend anyone!!

  

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