Can I Tell Her??

Benny618 · May 2012

I was actually blindsided by a girlfriend who told me I was not going to be her bridesmaid in her wedding because she didn't want to have "too many" (she is having 5). I was REALLY hurt as we have been friends for years and have discussed being in each others wedding parties many times, even up to a few months before she got engaged!

Anyway, she said that she would like me to be involved by handing out programs. She even threw out the idea that I should wear the bridesmaids dress while doing so... DEF not happening.

Anyway, this is at her destination wedding that will cost me and my fiance about $2k to attend. After being told I'm not a bridesmaid, I plan on attending as a guest; I do NOT want a "job" ---- can I tell her that????

(PS I have not actually said "YES I will hand out programs" for those of you who might ask if I already commited. It's just been her talking about it and telling me that I'm going to, while I just basically stare because I'm still in disbelief over the whole thing)!

achiduck · May 2012

Handing out programs is a crap job. Just tell her that you'd be happier as a guest.

mbody · May 2012

You can defnitely tell her that you'd rather attend as a guest.

(Hopefully this nice little story will serve as a warning for any bride wanting to hand out consolation prizes)

RebeccaB88 · May 2012

Honestly, if I was told that, I'd just tell her I wouldn't be able to attend. Kind of a b*tch move on her part to come right out and tell you 'hey, you're not special enough to be in the wedding'.

But if you do want to go, I'd just tell her I'd really rather just enjoy being a guest and having fun that way.

shanding4787 · May 2012

This happened to me as well. One of my friends who I've been close to for 10 years picked one of her sorority sisters (who she had known for 2 years) over me. it hurt like hell. She asked if I'd like to hand out programs or do a reading but I declined and just went as a guest.

jemmini6 · May 2012

You can absolutely tell her that you'd rather just attend as a guest.

Also, while it sucks to not be included in the WP when you wanted to be, you can't hold it against her. 5 bridesmaids is already a lot, especially for a DW (which tend to be smaller), and she may have had other obligations to include people. I imagine she felt bad, which is why she tried to think of another way to include you, but she just missed the mark.

aloisk57 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_can-i-tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:1867327c-05d0-445f-b21d-4b004c211888Post:8a103a25-cd68-4daa-a0b0-e667e6312851">Re: Can I Tell Her??</a>:
[QUOTE]This happened to me as well. One of my friends who I've been close to for 10 years picked one of her sorority sisters <strong>(who she had known for 2 years)</strong> over me. it hurt like hell. She asked if I'd like to hand out programs or do a reading but I declined and just went as a guest.
Posted by shanding4787[/QUOTE]

I think this has no bearing whatsoever. One of my longtime friends wanted to be in my wedding (we were no longer close and she made some rude comments about me and FI) and I picked a friend who I had known for 3 years but was very close to...so my longtime friend lost it on me and has stopped talking to me. I don't think how long you know someone has anything to do with whether they "should" be a BM. It's about how close you are.

However, I do agree that it's crappy of her to ask you to hand out programs...consolation jobs are so tacky.

Benny618 · May 2012

Well I guess I should give a little more history...

There is a group of 4 us of that have been friends for years, since HS. Like I said we have always discussed being in each others weddings and dreaming about our weddings. One of those girls is the bride I'm referring to in my OP. When we were in college she joined a sorority where her "sisters" were really mean to her. One of the girls in our group was her roommate (not in sorority) and bride used to come home crying to her because the girls were so mean to her, specifically this one girl (lets call her T). She would call me too, hours away, telling me how bad she wanted to transfer bc they were really not nice girls.

Cut to today and T is her maid of honor!!!!! And the rest of the bridal party is made up of some more of those "sisters" I mentioned above. At some point these terrible girls became her "BFFs"!

I understand she felt that she needed to choose between the 2 groups of friends bc its a DW and she does want the wedding party to be smaller, but she told us that she chose that group because they live near her and she sees them more often (we all live in Manhattan, I only live 4 subway stops away). She also felt that they would be more "attentive" than our group of girls because our group has full time jobs and I travel from time to time for work. She told me that having us in addition to the girls she already chose is just not in "her vision" for her wedding day.

Choosing that group of girl over us was INCREDIBLY hurtful given all we have been through, especially to hear the reasoning behind it. I may work hard but I would have made sure to put her wedding first if I were a bridesmaid, any way that I could. Anyway, the bride then suggested that she wants us part of the wedding in other ways; by 2 of us handing out programs and the 3rd doing the brides hair. She suggested we wear the bridesmaids dress and expects us to be in the bridal suite with her before she walks down the aisle (although I'm not sure how we could hand out programs and bein the bridal suite all at once anyway). Oh she also made mention that she would like us to help with her bachelorette party and shower planning.

I could not make this sh't up if I tried.

Anyway, I will be the first to admit that I am absolutely a little bitter about the whole situation, and maybe that is why but I would feel absolutely ridiculous handing out programs and being in her wedding suite with her (not to mention wearing the dress which we already said we out of the question) if we are not actually bridesmaids.

I think I'm going to take some of your advice and next time she brings it up, I will nicely explain that I plan on attending the wedding as a guest and would prefer not to have a job. Trying to remain calm and take the high road here but at some point pride absolutely steps in...

Benny618 · May 2012

Well the way she told me is probably the icing on the cake to this story....... Let me start off by giving everyone in this story names. We have me, the bride, B, and S.

B recently moved to a suburb right outside of the city, so the bride decided to tell her on the phone. She asked B not to tell me or S as she wanted to tell us in person...

A month passed...

We now had scheduled dinner plans for all 4 of us in the city, and B apparently called the bride a week before and told her she was not coming to dinner unless S and I knew, she felt (rightfully so) that so much time had passed with her having to keep it to herself that it was ridiculous.

Now it's the night before our dinner plans and the bride asked me to meet her for lunch the next day, to speak to me before our dinner. She lives all the way uptown and I live all the way downtown, and even though we had dinner plans that night up by her apartment, she suggested we have lunch at a restaurant near her apartment. My fiance and I agreed that she must be asking me to be her bridesmaid, why else would she ask me to come up and out of my way, twice in one day.

During lunch is when she told me that I was not going to be her bridesmaid. You know how that story went... After our lunch, Bride invited S over to her apartment to tell her.

If I'm not making sense here, let me explain that I'm trying to portray that she had 2 of us go out of our way to come to HER so she could break this news to us. Instead of perhaps coming to our apartments or suggesting a restaurant near our own apartments so we didn't have to go completely out of our way to hear this news.

Anyway, the 4 of us then had the worlds most uncomfortable dinner that night.

librababy · May 2012

Why did she have to tell you this in person.... seriously. A phone call would suffice. I would just politely decline the 'job' as program 'hostess' and tell her how happy you are for her and you just want to be there on her special day celebrating her wedding as a guest.

And I don't know the bride so I am assuming she really wasn't trying to be a biatch or be rude... she probably felt a little guilty and was coming up with ways to still include you in her wedding.

welikebikes · May 2012

I'd be very touch-n-go on that one. I imagine she feels guilty she can't have you as a bridesmaid, I imagine she may have been guilted into who is her bridesmaids. I would then assume she really wants you to be part of her ceremony. I think we can all relate to that in some way. I would do it, because I love my friend, and I'd love for people to see me in a nice dress, and I'd be afraid shed turn bridezilla and bite my head off. It's helping a woman have her dream wedding with her close friend in it, it's a shame you aren't a BM but oh well.

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