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FMIL problems. does anyone else see this as super rude?

let me start by saying, i have had problems with my FMIL from the start. quick example: while wedding dress shopping, she couldnt be there, so i was snapping pics and texting them to her as i tried on dresses. the only thing she said was, 'you look so fat in those pictures.' i'm a 5'11 curvy size ten. so yea, our problems started fairly early.

we are getting close to the day, about 4 months to go, and we've started planning extra activities for our guests, since most will be from out of town, we want to show them around a great city and have some fun. the wedding is on a saturday, obviously night before is rehearsal and dinner, and thursday night my mom offered to host a little wine and hordeurves party, so the two families can all get together for a few hours and meet each other. i was also planning the brunch for the day after the wedding, a sort of 'this is where we will be for brunch, come join us if you can!' thing.

after i started talking about the brunch, i found out my FMIL had already planned one, which was great, until she told me that she expected us there, and it was ONLY for her side (FI's side) of the family. not mine. i find this so incredibly rude, and it ruined our plans for the family brunch. when FI tried to talk to her about it, she made a big show and started crying. i really don't know how to approach this.

what would you do? please help me!

she has also offered to take care of the rehearsal dinner. i've made the calls around and found a few spots around town that would be good and that host large parties, and got her the info for each and prices and whatnot. but with only a few months to go, she hasn't made a single phone call or any sort of progress in getting plans started. how long do i give her until FI and i take it over ourselves?

Re: FMIL problems. does anyone else see this as super rude?

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    This isn't your fight.  Make sure you and your FI are on the same page and in complete agreement because it's his job to deal with her. 
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
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    that's pretty much what i told him [nicely], that he needs to speak with her and sort this out. he says no, i need to call her and talk to her. she doesnt answer my calls.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-problems-anyone-else-see-this-super-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:203ee53a-569f-44d7-9643-28bc25f27576Post:602d8eca-d870-44f5-bf7a-4431bd8b01b2">Re: FMIL problems. does anyone else see this as super rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]that's pretty much what i told him [nicely], that he needs to speak with her and sort this out. he says no, i need to call her and talk to her. she doesnt answer my calls.
    Posted by ashfann[/QUOTE]

    Why does it have to be you who handles this?  It's his mother and it's also his wedding!!!  The time for putting it nicely is over.

    All I can tell you is that if he isn't willing to deal with her now, he's not going to deal with her when she starts intefering with your marriage and (if you have them) how you raise your children.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
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    ashfannashfann member
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    edited January 2012
    Glad somebody sees this my way! Thanks for the support. It's moments like this that make me SO grateful for the mother I have. I'll be talking to FI tonight.
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    His mom, his issue.  I think that's a problem that he doesn't have your back here.  Why is he making you the scapegoat/bad guy?

    There is no way you guys can attend a party that distinctly excludes your family.  I would continue with your plans and just move along.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-problems-anyone-else-see-this-super-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:203ee53a-569f-44d7-9643-28bc25f27576Post:602d8eca-d870-44f5-bf7a-4431bd8b01b2">Re: FMIL problems. does anyone else see this as super rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]that's pretty much what i told him [nicely], that he needs to speak with her and sort this out. he says no, i need to call her and talk to her. she doesnt answer my calls.
    Posted by ashfann[/QUOTE]

    If your fi won't straighten this out with his mom, you should just leave a polite message that you and fi will not be able to attend her brunch. How much do you want to bet that she will contact him, pronto? He has a lot of nerve to expect you to deal with her.
                       
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-problems-anyone-else-see-this-super-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:203ee53a-569f-44d7-9643-28bc25f27576Post:d8032b23-897e-4bc9-bfab-69a08e22731a">Re: FMIL problems. does anyone else see this as super rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL problems. does anyone else see this as super rude? : If your fi won't straighten this out with his mom, you should just leave a polite message that you and fi will not be able to attend her brunch. How much do you want to bet that she will contact him, pronto? He has a lot of nerve to expect you to deal with her.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    I agree that this would probably work.  You are never required at a brunch for one.  Many couples leave right away for honeymoons so it isn't a must, especially if you have your own family to entertain.  I'd say give your FI and her a deadline for rehearsal dinner plans, then just take them over.  And I strongly urge you to your FI in the habit of taking your side and saying something now.  After a huge fiasco in my family my parent are now running into this problem after 28 years of marriage and is causing a huge strain.  The only family member you ever choose is your spouse so they should be number 1.
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    Your FI needs to start standing up to his mother and defending you...if not you will have a long road ahead of you.
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    It's going to be a bumpy ride if he can't deal with her before the marriage; imagine what it's going to be like on other issues like children and houses.

    That's not why you're here though; how would he feel if it was your mother that you were forcing him to speak to against his better judgment. Also, feel free to stand up to her and say no. If your marriage is going to work, you're going to need to learn this quickly and early. I really wish someone told me this about my first marriage because he didn't stand up for me and she took over.

    Just do your best to deal with it, but politely decline because she is already showing you that she doesn't care about you or your family.
    Vacation White Knot
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    This is super rude and I agree that your FI should deal with her its his mother. If he can't then fine leave another message for her abt the rehersal dinner and shre with her how you feel about the brunch. If she continues to be rude and won't change then I'd go for the if you can't beat them join them. Invite evryone to the brunch including the rest of your FI's family, but not her and don't include them to the Thursday night get together either. She needs to know that she is being rude and rediculous and has to change. I hope eventually she does and things go well for you. Good Luck!
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    Invite evryone to the brunch including the rest of your FI's family, but not her and don't include them to the Thursday night get together either. She needs to know that she is being rude and rediculous and has to change. I hope eventually she does and things go well for you. Good Luck!
    Posted by CPratt22[/QUOTE]

    I'm going to have to disagree with this. I agree that (politely) turning down the brunch is appropriate, but not inviting her to pre and post wedding events strikes me as sinking to her level.  Be the bigger person and try to be a salvaging force in the relationship.  If you want to marry your fiance, you're stuck with this woman - better to make the best of it.
    127image 88image 39imageWedding Countdown Ticker
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-problems-anyone-else-see-this-super-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:203ee53a-569f-44d7-9643-28bc25f27576Post:a3544e48-09de-4f6f-8503-f433d5655a47">Re: FMIL problems. does anyone else see this as super rude?</a>:
    [QUOTE]His mom, his issue.  I think that's a problem that he doesn't have your back here.  Why is he making you the scapegoat/bad guy? There is no way you guys can attend a party that distinctly excludes your family.  I would continue with your plans and just move along.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]


    listen to kmm, she's smart!
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    At first I was like "She is right, super-rude" until I started reading about the rehearsal dinner.  Is there some financial problems with her?  It almost sounds like she has offered to do something (rehearsal dinner) without checking into it and is now having sticker shock.  So that is the reason she has not booked it.  So, to save face with her family, she wants to have the day after brunch and save money by only inviting her side. 

    My MIL was a florist/floral shop owner in the tiny town (3000) we got married in.  She offered to do all the flowers and decorations as no charge.  She picked out the cheapist looking stuff even though we all sat down and went over our expectations before anything was purchased.  She also thought it was rediculous anyone other than bridal party have corsages, bouts, etc.  My mother and I calmly went down there and my mother explained it is our wedding and she is happy to pay for anything we want.  My MIL did a total 360!!  P.S. It wasn't like it was a spur of the moment wedding-we were engaged for  2 1/2 years and announced the date seven months prior to date!!

    I would definitely let your FI handle this but I bet there is a money issue and money will make people act mean!
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