Quirky or Trashy?

tiffanymilana · April 2011

Hi All! I'm new to the board and in need of advice. My FI and I are eloping in July. So now we want to have a wedding that is very "us" and untraditional and doesn't cost much (as we want to start a family). Our plan is to have what we have coined a "Nuptial BBQ" on a Sunday afternoon. We do NOT want gifts, but everyone wants a wedding celebration. We may even do a mini ceremony to appease some people (but will legally elope ahead of time). Our plan is to have the BBQ at a large picnic shelter (working on booking it) in a park. We will provide beer (it is allowed), pop, water and hamburgers and hot dogs with buns and condiments. My questions:
1) Is it okay to ask that people bring a side dish to share IN LIEU of a gift? Would sending a little recipe card to share their recipe make this any more palatable?
2) How do we split up who is bringing what? Should we do alphabetical or relation to bride/groom?
3) Is there anything else we can do to really make sure people do not bring gifts?
4) It was suggested that we ask people to bring their own food to grill, is that pushing it?
5) We plan on having volleyball, bocce ball, jarts, ladderball, ect... Any other suggestions?
Sorry this is SO long! I truly appreciate any and all suggestions. This is uncharted territory for us, and we really want it to be fun and laid back. Again, thank you thank you thank you!!!

coralee715 · April 2011

1) Is it okay to ask that people bring a side dish to share IN LIEU of a gift? Would sending a little recipe card to share their recipe make this any more palatable? I have been to MANY "potluck" wedding receptions. In many areas it is the norm. If you feel your family/griends would do it, then go ahead. If you feel they will not like the idea, maybe chose a few close family/friends to bring dishes.

2) How do we split up who is bringing what? Should we do alphabetical or relation to bride/groom?If you want a true bring a dish to share - you get what they wanna bring. You can't really ask them to bring a certain thing, but you can suggest. If you want to tell everyone what to bring so you don't have 6 macaroni salads, feel free. People may ask you what you want them to bring.

3) Is there anything else we can do to really make sure people do not bring gifts? No. If they want to give a gift, they will.

4) It was suggested that we ask people to bring their own food to grill, is that pushing it?Yeah...thats pushing it. (in my opinion)

5) We plan on having volleyball, bocce ball, jarts, ladderball, ect... Any other suggestions? Anything you wanna do!

mia082683 · April 2011

I think phrasing it "in lieu of a gift" will be really helpful... If you decide to go the route of evites, people can sign up to bring certain things which may help you to keep it organized. Otherwise, I might make sure I have all the bases covered by asking my Fam or BP to do specific dishes (i.e., an appetizer, a salad, a dessert) so that you do get an assortment (in case everyone else is bringing the pasta salad). I would definitely ask for the recipe card because I LOVE new recipes.

MissOwl · April 2011

I think if I were you I would word it as a party in honor of bride and groom. that way it is not a formal reception people will not expect 1. a ceremony or 2. a normal reception.

in my opinon, you should ask people you are close to if they would be interested in making a side dish but you should not ask all of your guests to do that. 'aunt sarah, would you be interested in making your famous noodle casserole for the party? we would love to share some of our favorite foods with our friends.'

also, please don't do a fake ceremony. if you really want to share that with your guests, buy a little flip video camera (100-150 bucks) and videotape your elopement. you can then share the video with your friends and family.

sounds like a lovely, laid back plan overall. best of luck!!

musikbx · April 2011

I have been grappling with a similar issue, as we plan to get married in a courthouse reception but my family would like to have a get together BBQ. I am nervous that they may bring gifts, is something we really don't want or need. I guess I just wanted to say that I personally feel strange about the "in lieu of a gift" part because, well, it implies that they were at one point expected to bring a gift. It just feels uncomfortable for me personally. I don't think I would make any mention of gifts, perhaps spread that part via word of mouth.

I think the potluck idea is really cute and totally fine, but that's me. I might stop at asking people to bring their own meat, though I can't tell you exactly why that feels uncomfortable. Perhaps you could mention on the invite what you plan to serve, if someone wants something else then they can decide on their own to bring it.

I also agree with MissOwl that doing a "mini ceremony" might not be the best idea. If you are already married, then it kindof comes across as a consolation prize for those that weren't invited. I am making the same choice as you, and I agree that it really sucks that a lot of people won't be included. Unfortunately, it's something that comes with the territory. If you really want to, I think recording the ceremony or taking pictures and having them displayed at the BBQ might be a good alternative.

brit_bell90 · April 2011

I wouldn't ask all of your guests to bring food, I would ask immediate family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, depending on your ages and relationship. We were going to do something similar for our reception, but decided we didn't like the idea of family working so hard at our wedding, and wanted them to enjoy themselves. We found a good deal on catering since our reception is in a tiny town that's 25 miles from a bigger town (for example this town has 3 bars and a hair stylist, and that's it for businesses, closest grocery store is 25 miles away lol).

MissOwl · April 2011

just a thought. if your username is your first and last name you should make another username without that sensitive info. you know, internet security and all...

Magdala9 · May 2011

Where we are, potluck receptions are considered trashy. As PP said, some areas that is normal. Locally, many couples will do a cake and lemonade reception timed at midafternoon so no expects a meal.

cmalchow · May 2011

in my area, it would be trashy.

but, i think it really depends on your area/your guests...and i would maybe limit the request to bring something to close family members (unless that's your whole list, of course!)

madausk · May 2011

In the Midwest, I think this sort of thing is totally fine. Just don't call it a reception, really focus on it being an informal celebration, more of a family reunion/party then a wedding. I think asking everyone to bring a dish is fine, but really unneccessary, you are going to get a WHOLE lot of food that you dont need, and people's efforts are wasted. Keep it to some friends or family that you know would love to help in that way, or look into ordering salads and stuff from a local restaurant.

I would also agree that doing a "mock" ceremony is not a great idea... you could have a little table that has pictures, and if you have any items (bouquet, bout., etc.) that were a part of your elopment on display. If you do a really nice toast thanking everyong for their support, love, etc. I think that helps make them feel included. If you want, you could also ask a member of the family to say a prayer/blessing.

Best of luck!

Quirky or Trashy?

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