Engagement weirdness problem: Help please

Scarletrook · August 2010

Hi everyone,
I’m brand new and wanted to say hi before I dive right into my question. So hello there and imagine a cheerful wave! ^_^ I’m afraid this may get pretty long and detailed, so thank you in advance for you kindness in reading all my ramblings.

I’m a little confused about how I should take something that happened between my boyfriend and I a day or two ago and how I should proceed. I need to take you back a little bit in time. About three weeks ago I asked him how he felt about getting married roughly around this time next year. (We had both been hinting around a bit here and there about it for a couple of months so I thought it was a pretty safe thing to bring up.) He said he liked the idea and we even spoke a little bit about possible dates. Over the next couple of weeks a couple of other things were casually mentioned and nothing seemed to be amiss when they were spoken of. Suddenly a couple of days ago he asked me what all I thought would be involved in planning the wedding so I pulled out my iPhone and began reading a basic break down that an app I had on there had created for me.

He started to look extremely uncomfortable and I immediately knew something was wrong. Even though he continued with the conversation as though everything was fine I knew everything was NOT fine. I went over to him and told him that if at any time he felt like he didn’t want to do this or he wasn’t ready or whatever to please tell me. He said he was suddenly extremely nervous when I began naming all the stuff that had to be done and that his heart had begun to race. He said he needed some time to think about WHY that had happened and he couldn’t really tell me right then.

I had to go to work in just a few minutes and was not pleased at all to have to leave right in the middle of this and suddenly became extremely angry. Not that he had been honest, I was very glad for that actually; I think I felt angry because I felt stupid. Like I thought everything was fine and good and that we had moved to this point together when in reality just the IDEA of marrying me caused him extreme anxiety. I found that very hurtful.

Because of my sudden anger I was only able to wait about 30 minutes before I had to call him on my cell (on my way to work) and ask him what the &*^% his deal was and would he at least TRY to tell me what made him nervous because there was no way I could work all day without knowing what was up. That conversation really didn’t go well and I basically said that I didn’t think he was ready and that I was an idiot to think he would ever be ready, and let's just forget the whole thing, etc.

When I got home from work that evening he said that he felt like we were putting the cart before the horse because he had not even asked me to marry him yet and wanted to know if I wanted a ring . When I said that I did he said that he wanted to go looking for rings this weekend and then he wanted to hold on to the ring until he thought of a cool special thing he could do as a proposal.

I’m really confused by all this. We are both VERY practical people and it never occurred to me that he would want to do a traditional proposal with all the trimmings. I’m trying to figure out now if I just totally pegged him wrong (that he’s far more romantic than I thought) or if this is some kind of stall tactic because he’s not really ready to get engaged or married but he thinks getting the ring and sitting on/hiding it (for however long it takes him to be ready to give it to me) is going to make me feel better; like it’s a pacifier of sorts. There is also an issue of control that I can’t put my finger on that makes me slightly uncomfortable as well. Like he has to be the one to initiate all of this or he won’t feel like a “real man”. I’ve never done well with traditional gender roles so there’s something mildly offensive about that to me. But at the same time part of me thinks it’s very sweet that it seems to mean so much to him that we do it the “right” way.

Any ideas you have on this would be great! Am I just being weird and difficult? ^_^ Oh, it may be important to know that we’ve been together for a year and a half and lived together for 6 months.

Thanks for reading and for any ideas!

- Scarlet

Scarletrook · August 2010

Hi everyone,
I’m brand new and wanted to say hi before I dive right into my question. So hello there and imagine a cheerful wave! ^_^ I’m afraid this may get pretty long and detailed, so thank you in advance for you kindness in reading all my ramblings.

I’m a little confused about how I should take something that happened between my boyfriend and I a day or two ago and how I should proceed. I need to take you back a little bit in time. About three weeks ago I asked him how he felt about getting married roughly around this time next year. (We had both been hinting around a bit here and there about it for a couple of months so I thought it was a pretty safe thing to bring up.) He said he liked the idea and we even spoke a little bit about possible dates. Over the next couple of weeks a couple of other things were casually mentioned and nothing seemed to be amiss when they were spoken of. Suddenly a couple of days ago he asked me what all I thought would be involved in planning the wedding so I pulled out my iPhone and began reading a basic break down that an app I had on there had created for me.

He started to look extremely uncomfortable and I immediately knew something was wrong. Even though he continued with the conversation as though everything was fine I knew everything was NOT fine. I went over to him and told him that if at any time he felt like he didn’t want to do this or he wasn’t ready or whatever to please tell me. He said he was suddenly extremely nervous when I began naming all the stuff that had to be done and that his heart had begun to race. He said he needed some time to think about WHY that had happened and he couldn’t really tell me right then.

I had to go to work in just a few minutes and was not pleased at all to have to leave right in the middle of this and suddenly became extremely angry. Not that he had been honest, I was very glad for that actually; I think I felt angry because I felt stupid. Like I thought everything was fine and good and that we had moved to this point together when in reality just the IDEA of marrying me caused him extreme anxiety. I found that very hurtful.

Because of my sudden anger I was only able to wait about 30 minutes before I had to call him on my cell (on my way to work) and ask him what the &*^% his deal was and would he at least TRY to tell me what made him nervous because there was no way I could work all day without knowing what was up. That conversation really didn’t go well and I basically said that I didn’t think he was ready and that I was an idiot to think he would ever be ready, and let's just forget the whole thing, etc.

When I got home from work that evening he said that he felt like we were putting the cart before the horse because he had not even asked me to marry him yet and wanted to know if I wanted a ring . When I said that I did he said that he wanted to go looking for rings this weekend and then he wanted to hold on to the ring until he thought of a cool special thing he could do as a proposal.

I’m really confused by all this. We are both VERY practical people and it never occurred to me that he would want to do a traditional proposal with all the trimmings. I’m trying to figure out now if I just totally pegged him wrong (that he’s far more romantic than I thought) or if this is some kind of stall tactic because he’s not really ready to get engaged or married but he thinks getting the ring and sitting on/hiding it (for however long it takes him to be ready to give it to me) is going to make me feel better; like it’s a pacifier of sorts. There is also an issue of control that I can’t put my finger on that makes me slightly uncomfortable as well. Like he has to be the one to initiate all of this or he won’t feel like a “real man”. I’ve never done well with traditional gender roles so there’s something mildly offensive about that to me. But at the same time part of me thinks it’s very sweet that it seems to mean so much to him that we do it the “right” way.

Any ideas you have on this would be great! Am I just being weird and difficult? ^_^ Oh, it may be important to know that we’ve been together for a year and a half and lived together for 6 months.

Thanks for reading and for any ideas!

- Scarlet

girliegirlral · August 2010

Wait until the engagement/proposal before you begin planning. Once he proposes THEN he is ready. I would just back off of him. He probably didn't realize all that was involved (financially and otherwise) and may just need to process it.

Scarletrook · August 2010

Thank you for your thoughts! That sounds very possible.

dawnkathleen · August 2010

I think that most men are a little gun shy once you start talking about wedding planning! My boyfriend (now fiance) and I started talking about dates around April...I probably thought about when he would ask every day until he did which was a week and a half ago. Its hard not to think about it, but you will know in your heart if he is really ready. You havent been together for an extremely long time, so I would let it happen on his own. Trust me, when you are staring at him when he is down on one knee asking you to marry him...you want to see that hugeeeee grin on his face and sparkle in his eye. (almost like they are thinking to themself " I did good" ) Good luck and let me know if you need any help! (i was in your shoes just a few short weeks ago.... )

ScissortailFlycatcher · August 2010

Agree with PP, back off of him for a bit. Do not bother him about a hypothetical wedding anymore. If I were you I would even postpone ring shopping this weekend, because it sounds like he is only going because he's worried over your angry reaction.

You were puting the cart before the horse, he was probably in shock that you had a list that said A through Z needed to be done to be married by next year.

So, get rid of any wedding planning apps and magazines until you have a ring on your finger.

Don't get me wrong, discussing marriage before being engaged is fine, and I think it's very important, but it sounds like you already discussed it..now wait for it : )

bethsmiles · August 2010

I think you and your BF need to to do alot of talking. You need to be able to hear about how he feels and what he thinks about all of this with out getting angry at him. Maybe he does want to marry you but he isn't ready yet or maybe hearing all that was involved in planning a wedding was overwhelming for him. Or maybe its something else. Either way you need to let him know how you feel and listen to how he feels.

AdeleDazeem · August 2010

I think you need to just back off him a little bit, as the previous posters said. I'm willing to bet when you pulled out your phone and had a wedding planning app on it, he probably freaked. In his mind, he's talking outloud. Then he sees that is like "wait, is she already planning this shindig?? I haven't even bought a ring." And then all the details to think about... oh my goodness.

I'd drop the whole discussion all together and let things happen. He clearly needs some space on this topic.

redheadfsu · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-weirdness-problem-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:da8d2538-8406-44b0-8878-31104969f11bPost:0e337dce-244c-4528-98d0-215e821c5b19">Engagement weirdness problem: Help please</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone, I’m brand new and wanted to say hi before I dive right into my question. So hello there and imagine a cheerful wave! ^_^ I’m afraid this may get pretty long and detailed, so thank you in advance for you kindness in reading all my ramblings. I’m a little confused about how I should take something that happened between my boyfriend and I a day or two ago and how I should proceed. I need to take you back a little bit in time. About three weeks ago I asked him how he felt about getting married roughly around this time next year. (We had both been hinting around a bit here and there about it for a couple of months so I thought it was a pretty safe thing to bring up.) He said he liked the idea and we even spoke a little bit about possible dates. Over the next couple of weeks a couple of other things were casually mentioned and nothing seemed to be amiss when they were spoken of. Suddenly a couple of days ago he asked me what all I thought would be involved in planning the wedding so I pulled out my iPhone and began reading a basic break down that an app I had on there had created for me. He started to look extremely uncomfortable and I immediately knew something was wrong. Even though he continued with the conversation as though everything was fine I knew everything was NOT fine. I went over to him and told him that if at any time he felt like he didn’t want to do this or he wasn’t ready or whatever to please tell me. He said he was suddenly extremely nervous when I began naming all the stuff that had to be done and that his heart had begun to race. He said he needed some time to think about WHY that had happened and he couldn’t really tell me right then. I had to go to work in just a few minutes and was not pleased at all to have to leave right in the middle of this and suddenly became extremely angry. Not that he had been honest, I was very glad for that actually; I think I felt angry because I felt stupid. Like I thought everything was fine and good and that we had moved to this point together when in reality just the IDEA of marrying me caused him extreme anxiety. I found that very hurtful. Because of my sudden anger I was only able to wait about 30 minutes before I had to call him on my cell (on my way to work) and ask him what the &*^% his deal was and would he at least TRY to tell me what made him nervous because there was no way I could work all day without knowing what was up. That conversation really didn’t go well and I basically said that I didn’t think he was ready and that I was an idiot to think he would ever be ready, and let's just forget the whole thing, etc. When I got home from work that evening he said that he felt like we were putting the cart before the horse because he had not even asked me to marry him yet and wanted to know if I wanted a ring . When I said that I did he said that he wanted to go looking for rings this weekend and then he wanted to hold on to the ring until he thought of a cool special thing he could do as a proposal. I’m really confused by all this. We are both VERY practical people and it never occurred to me that he would want to do a traditional proposal with all the trimmings. I’m trying to figure out now if I just totally pegged him wrong (that he’s far more romantic than I thought) or if this is some kind of stall tactic because he’s not really ready to get engaged or married but he thinks getting the ring and sitting on/hiding it (for however long it takes him to be ready to give it to me) is going to make me feel better; like it’s a pacifier of sorts. There is also an issue of control that I can’t put my finger on that makes me slightly uncomfortable as well. Like he has to be the one to initiate all of this or he won’t feel like a “real man”. I’ve never done well with traditional gender roles so there’s something mildly offensive about that to me. But at the same time part of me thinks it’s very sweet that it seems to mean so much to him that we do it the “right” way. Any ideas you have on this would be great! Am I just being weird and difficult? ^_^ Oh, it may be important to know that we’ve been together for a year and a half and lived together for 6 months. Thanks for reading and for any ideas! - Scarlet
Posted by Scarletrook[/QUOTE]

Until he asks you to marry him or you BOTH agree that you are engaged, back off. He isn't ready right now. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you, it just means he doesn't want to marry you right now. Relax & apologize for freaking out. Plus check out the Not Engaged Yet board.

heyimbren · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_engagement-weirdness-problem-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:da8d2538-8406-44b0-8878-31104969f11bPost:0e337dce-244c-4528-98d0-215e821c5b19">Engagement weirdness problem: Help please</a>:
[QUOTE]When I got home from work that evening he said that he felt like we were putting the cart before the horse because he had not even asked me to marry him yet and wanted to know if I wanted a ring . When I said that I did he said that he wanted to go looking for rings this weekend and then he wanted to hold on to the ring until he thought of a cool special thing he could do as a proposal. I’m really confused by all this. Posted by Scarletrook[/QUOTE]

I think this is it. Sometimes, even "practical" people want to have a traditional proposal and/or wedding. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't think you necessarily have him "pegged all wrong", but let him do it HIS way if that's what he wants.

jemmini6 · August 2010

From what you've described, it sounds like he wasn't necessarily prepared to hear how much stuff goes into a wedding. You need to keep in mind that most guys don't take to wedding planning like girls do and can get very intimidated by all the details. It also sounds like you WAAAYYY overreacted. It's natural for guys to get nervous when it starts getting 'real', you should've calmly asked him if it was the wedding, or the marriage part that made him nervous. If it was the wedding part, assure him that there are lots of people to help and it's really not as crazy as it sounds at first. If it's the marriage part, then you really need to sit down and have a serious discussion (which is a good idea anyways).

As for now, just enjoy your relationship, he's right that you are kind of putting the cart before the horse on this one. Also remember that people can be both practical and traditional. You (hopefully) only get engaged once, why not give him the opportunity to make it memorable for both of you? Afterall, if there is one time in a man's life that he's ever been conditioned to do something 'romantic', it's a marriage proposal.

NaughtyJ · August 2010

There's no need to rush things. If he's not ready and you push him he may decide he doesn't want to get married at all. My FI and I were together 3 yrs b4 he proposed. We had talked about it around the 2 1/2 yr mark and I said that I would like to get married within another 3yrs but it wasn't firm or anything. Not six months after that conversation he proposed. I would have waited forever just to see the look on his face. He had tears in his eyes, his hands we're shaking, and it was the greatest moment ever. So waiting can be a good thing. Rushing can make you doubt yourself and your relationship. Just enjoy yourselves and when he's ready, he'll propose.

Scarletrook · August 2010

Thanks for the thoughts, guys! I’m beginning to feel way better already by just giving it some time and hearing your ideas. I’m pretty sure I overreacted as well. However in my own defense I didn’t yell at him or anything. Even when I FEEL intense anger I very rarely show it, which would be difficult for someone to know since I’m writing about what I FELT rather than what I DID. (ie. I didn't actually SAY what the hell is your deal when I called him...)

I’m beginning to think now that a lot of it was a misunderstanding. I’m a very literal person. I thought talking about getting married next year (three weeks ago) and his positive response to it meant that we were agreeing that the planning should begin. Not a Bridezilla planning- every- single-day type of planning but that over the next couple of months a few things needed to be worked out. When I was asked what was involved I felt I was merely answering a question he wanted to know. It’s weird how anger is often the emotion people feel when they feel they’ve misunderstood someone’s feelings or intentions. It’s like a weird pride thing I guess.

Some of my reaction could be an age thing as well. I'm 38 and he's 42. That may be for example what made me say the thing about "I’m not sure you’ll ever be ready for marriage." He’s 42 for Pete’s sake and has only dated one other woman as long as he’s dated me. (Actually that’s wrong. He only dated her for just under a year.)

mysticl · August 2010

Yeah, talking about the idea of marriage and being engaged are 2 different things. So when he asked about what would be involved he was probably expecting you to say something like "we need a venue, flowers, dj, photographor, start thinking about the WP, and honeymoon". You pulling out the phone and running down a detailed list may have made him feel like you had gone on ahead and started planning, leaving him behind. Kinda like you just needed a groom to go ahead with your plan. Not that you were really doing that but it could be his perception.

So what if he is 42 and this is his longest relationship? Doesn't mean he will never be ready for marriage. Just means he hadn't found the right woman yet. So be flattered that you were worth waiting for and let him have his moment (the proposal). That is a thing about weddings the bride gets so much focus and is the one doing a lot of planning but the proposal is all on the groom and so when people ask you how he did it ...........and they will, it's all going to be about what he did. He wants to look cool. Just like we sometimes feel pressure to have the "perfect", "unique" wedding guys feel it for the proposal.

misskrysbaby · August 2010

Yeah, Mystic is right. Talking about the idea of marriage and planning a wedding/being engaged are two different things. My FI and I spoke about marriage off and on for a while before he proposed. It's just something that naturally happens in the course of a relationship. And he most likely just got a little anxious over all that a wedding entails. I don't think it had anything at all to do with marrying you. My FI *still* gets anxious, to this day, over wedding details, and we're already planning ours!

I'm just going to say what everyone else did and tell you to wait. Be thankful that your relationship has gotten to this point and let him do it in his own time. It's obvious its going to happen sometime, so just enjoy that fact.

SAS21 · August 2010

I was in your shoes not too long ago. My then boyfriend and I had talked about marriage and I brought up that I wanted to get married next year. I think it shocked him a bit at first but he came around and wanted to start ring shopping with me. It was a bit stressful at times because I sometimes felt like he was doing this because it's what I wanted and he wasn't ready. But he reassured me it was what he wanted and he was ready. I still didn't expect a proposal for months, but he proposed on the day he bought the ring.

Just like your boyfriend, my fiance is very practical and I never pegged him for the super romantic type, though he can be romantic. But he wanted to do everything right, meaning asking my parents for my hand, buying the ring, proposing in a unique way, etc. The whole proposal process was VERY important to him, and I can respect him for that. So you have to respect your boyfriend for wanting everything to be "right."

I also freaked him out a bit when he found out I was already getting doing some "planning" before he proposed. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my fiance, so in your case I'd suggest not bringing up any apps, plans, ideas, etc. about the wedding. It will freak him out. Just try to take things one step at a time. You want the proposal to be right for both of you. I really think his nerves have nothing to do with you and rather the whole idea of how big this really is. My fiance has admitted he's nervous about getting married, but it has nothing to do with wanting to spend his life with me. It's just a very big life change, and it can take awhile to process it. Just try not to worry and give your boyfriend some time. It will all work out.

Engagement weirdness problem: Help please

Re: Engagement weirdness problem: Help please

Choose Another Board

Search Boards