BM needs advice on a horrid idea Bride has...

lennonkdc · May 2012

I'm a regular poster in NEY, and I lurk here. I know you ladies give awesome advice, so here's my situation:

An aquaintence asked me to be one of the two ladies in her wedding party. I've known her since grade school but haven't seen her in two years. I said yes, and all that she has asked is that I show up in any style black dress. Her wedding is a very causal BBQ in the park. She's never been traditional, kinda of Star Trek meets hippy chic gal, so she wants the wedding to reflect that (no wedding dress, no first dance, no toasts or tosses.)

The issue: She told me in an email that she's putting on the invites a request for cash donations for her honeymoon in lieu of gifts (b/c they can't afford one if others don't pay for it.) As if that wasn't bad enough- She wants to have a person with a bucket and a bell like the Salvation Army walking around the reception to collect these donations. (I almost died when I read that.)

We're not close enough that I feel I can tell her that her idea is the rudest thing I have ever heard. I know that she just doesn't know that this is rude, since she doesn't have much exposure to social norms. She didn't ask for my thoughts, so I'm guessing I just need to keep my mouth shut, but I hate the idea of seeing someone I like act so RUDE.

Do any of you ladies have any suggestions on how I can politely, and without being asked, tell her how tacky this is? or do I just let it go?

aragx6 · May 2012

A bell? For serious?

I totally understand you when you say that it's not your place to get involved in this, but I'm not sure I could let a friend do something that would so obviously get her mocked -- especially if you think she honestly doesn't know better.

Can you try and talk to her -- in person would be best -- about how this is frowned upon?

I'd try to explain that gifts are never expected at a wedding and, as such, shouldn't be mentioned. The reception is the thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony so it's a particularly inappropriate place to solicit money. And tell her that if she has no registry or only a very small one most people will take the hint and give cash anyway.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

Wow, a bell and a bucket, that would be interesting to see.

I guess you could tell her that you have been lurking on this website to gain current knowledge of wedding trends and such and that, from lurking, you noticed that asking your guests for money is a big no-no. Heck you could even forward her a link or two talking about this same issue from other posters.

All you can do is inform her very gently and politely that it may not be a great idea, but in the end she is going to do what she wants so be prepared for some random dude to come up to you at the wedding ringing a bell in your face!

July2012bride · May 2012

Ditto agrax.

Maybe while you talk to her, you can point out that if they don't register, people will likely give cash if they are going to give a gift anyway.

redheadfsu · May 2012

I would respond, "Sally, where did you get this idea? I just have never heard of it before. Are you sure guests will understand? I don't think this is something they will have ever seen before."

Or... "Well since you are not registering, I'm sure guests will know to give you cash. I bet it will be in the cards they give you so they can't put it in the bucket. So I think a card box will be better than a bucket."

polichik · May 2012

Dear god. I might have let the invitation requesting cash go, but friends don't let friends ask for money with a flipping bucket and bell. I'd definitely say something.

July2012bride · May 2012

Also, you may want to point out how it can be uncomfortable when Salvation Army does this during the holiday season. I always feel obligated to give something and feel guilty if I walk by and don't.

In addition, I will go out of my way to avoid walking past a bell/bucket combo if I don't havec anything to give.

It really puts people on the spot, and no one should ever feel guilty about not giving a gift if they can't because gifts are NEVER required.

lennonkdc · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-needs-advice-on-a-horrid-idea-bride-has?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80c0c9ab-2fc3-4a8d-acbe-9aef101453c5Post:bcfaaf3d-1c50-4b92-a628-25175a181150">Re: BM needs advice on a horrid idea Bride has...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would respond, "Sally, where did you get this idea? I just have never heard of it before. Are you sure guests will understand? I don't think this is something they will have ever seen before." Or... "Well since you are not registering, I'm sure guests will know to give you cash. I bet it will be in the cards they give you so they can't put it in the bucket. So I think a card box will be better than a bucket."
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Both of those are brilliant!</div><div> </div><div>Thank you ladies for all of the wonderful advice, you are all so smart and I in no way feel bad for your husbands :)</div>

KJeffs · May 2012

I never even take my purse to weddings, so I wouldn't even have money with me and that would be very embarrassing to be a guest and have to say sorry..I don't have money on me.

may25bride2012 · May 2012

How did you not bust out laughing when she mentioned the bucket with the bell? That is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard... it's not only rude, I wouldn't want to hear a damn bell the entire reception lol.

Go with the card box idea or something like it. Or direct her towards the E board here

tanyanubin · May 2012

I have a totally different take on this. She has her own way of doing things. Smile and enjoy her day. I have my opinion about small children in formal wear-- I don't like it. I'm not a fan of dollar dances. I dislike outdoor weddings. We all have our likes and dislikes, but nothing is written in stone. She may see this plan as fun and quirky. Really, it's her wedding, and it's her plan. Maybe it's your job to just be her friend and have fun that day? I've posted this story before on this board: I went to a wedding once in a warehouse with boarded up windows. Bare wooden tables. Groom handing out 'slices' of paper towels as napkins. Paper plates. No one but the bride and groom dressed up. It was a great wedding because of the attitudes of the guests. Have fun and enjoy your friend's special day!

becky659 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-needs-advice-on-a-horrid-idea-bride-has?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80c0c9ab-2fc3-4a8d-acbe-9aef101453c5Post:dbef5275-236e-42c9-bafd-234ac8f1babf">Re: BM needs advice on a horrid idea Bride has...</a>:
[QUOTE]I never even take my purse to weddings, so I wouldn't even have money with me and that would be very embarrassing to be a guest and have to say sorry..I don't have money on me.
Posted by KJeffs[/QUOTE]

Totally agreed... I wouldn't have money on hand to give and I'd probably be really embarrassed. I would have planned my gift beforehand.

It <span style="font-style:italic;">is</span> her day, but putting people on the spot with a money bucket in order to pay for a honeymoon that they otherwise can't finance... definitely not recommended.

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-needs-advice-on-a-horrid-idea-bride-has?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80c0c9ab-2fc3-4a8d-acbe-9aef101453c5Post:232cd6bd-c0a1-4a64-81ea-8c0e87317ed5">Re: BM needs advice on a horrid idea Bride has...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a totally different take on this. She has her own way of doing things. Smile and enjoy her day. I have my opinion about small children in formal wear-- I don't like it. I'm not a fan of dollar dances. I dislike outdoor weddings. We all have our likes and dislikes, but nothing is written in stone. She may see this plan as fun and quirky. Really, it's her wedding, and it's her plan. Maybe it's your job to just be her friend and have fun that day? I've posted this story before on this board: I went to a wedding once in a warehouse with boarded up windows. Bare wooden tables. Groom handing out 'slices' of paper towels as napkins. Paper plates. No one but the bride and groom dressed up. It was a great wedding because of the attitudes of the guests. Have fun and enjoy your friend's special day!
Posted by tanyanubin[/QUOTE]

<div>But it's not just about likes and dislikes. Her idea is horribly rude, and if she goes through with it, she's really going to embarrass herself. A good friend would try to help her avoid that. </div>

Ali092011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-needs-advice-on-a-horrid-idea-bride-has?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80c0c9ab-2fc3-4a8d-acbe-9aef101453c5Post:232cd6bd-c0a1-4a64-81ea-8c0e87317ed5">Re: BM needs advice on a horrid idea Bride has...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a totally different take on this. She has her own way of doing things. Smile and enjoy her day. I have my opinion about small children in formal wear-- I don't like it. I'm not a fan of dollar dances. I dislike outdoor weddings. <strong>We all have our likes and dislikes, but nothing is written in stone. She may see this plan as fun and quirky. Really, it's her wedding, and it's her plan. </strong>Maybe it's your job to just be her friend and have fun that day? I've posted this story before on this board: I went to a wedding once in a warehouse with boarded up windows. Bare wooden tables. Groom handing out 'slices' of paper towels as napkins. Paper plates. No one but the bride and groom dressed up. It was a great wedding because of the attitudes of the guests. Have fun and enjoy your friend's special day!
Posted by tanyanubin[/QUOTE]

The thing is, there ARE things (figuratively) written in stone when it comes to etiquette. One of those things is that you don't ask your guests for money. Ever.

She can see her plan any way she wants. It's downright rude. Your comparisons to outdoor weddings and children in formalwear(?) don't make sense, because neither of those things are actually RUDE.

Edited for grammar.

MrsMeganL2012 · May 2012

OP - Say something. Otherwise you better make sure you're not the one she has in mind to ring the bell!

MrsMeganL2012 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-needs-advice-on-a-horrid-idea-bride-has?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:80c0c9ab-2fc3-4a8d-acbe-9aef101453c5Post:232cd6bd-c0a1-4a64-81ea-8c0e87317ed5">Re: BM needs advice on a horrid idea Bride has...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a totally different take on this. She has her own way of doing things. Smile and enjoy her day. I have my opinion about small children in formal wear-- I don't like it. I'm not a fan of dollar dances. I dislike outdoor weddings. We all have our likes and dislikes, but nothing is written in stone. She may see this plan as fun and quirky. Really, it's her wedding, and it's her plan. Maybe it's your job to just be her friend and have fun that day? I've posted this story before on this board: I went to a wedding once in a warehouse with boarded up windows. Bare wooden tables. Groom handing out 'slices' of paper towels as napkins. Paper plates. No one but the bride and groom dressed up. <strong>It was a great wedding because of the attitudes of the guests.</strong> Have fun and enjoy your friend's special day!
Posted by tanyanubin[/QUOTE]

They must've had some awesome food, great drinks and good dance music!

tanyanubin · May 2012

Haha! they did have some good food and dance music! This bride is going to find out that lots of people don't come with cash, I'm sure. But they do come with checks, which I suppose is what they'll put in her bucket, lol. As for the OP being a close friend, she hasn't seen her in 2 years. Don't you guys think it would be presumptuous for her to point out rudeness? Wouldn't that be the job of someone REALLY close, like maybe her mother? As for etiquette being written in stone, I have to disagree. It's very fluid, and changes with regions, cultures, economic levels and decades. Etiquette is not a necessity, it's a nicety. People made it up. Really, what would be the difference in the OP being appalled at the bride wearing a certain color, or wearing her hair a certain way, or not having a free bar or something? Please.

Sephiroth · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-needs-advice-on-a-horrid-idea-bride-has?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:80c0c9ab-2fc3-4a8d-acbe-9aef101453c5Post:06099e54-aeff-424f-a829-dad468054b95">Re: BM needs advice on a horrid idea Bride has...</a>:
[QUOTE]Haha! they did have some good food and dance music! This bride is going to find out that lots of people don't come with cash, I'm sure. But they do come with checks, which I suppose is what they'll put in her bucket, lol. As for the OP being a close friend, she hasn't seen her in 2 years. Don't you guys think it would be presumptuous for her to point out rudeness? Wouldn't that be the job of someone REALLY close, like maybe her mother? As for etiquette being written in stone, I have to disagree. It's very fluid, and changes with regions, cultures, economic levels and decades. Etiquette is not a necessity, it's a nicety. People made it up . Really, what would be the difference in the OP being appalled at the bride wearing a certain color, or wearing her hair a certain way, or not having a free bar or something? Please.
Posted by tanyanubin[/QUOTE]

First of all, etiquette is only 'made up' in the sense that it is a social construction - it is 'made up' by general consensus in society. And yes, that may mean there are some differences between societies, or subsections of society.

What it does not mean is that each individual person is free to make up their own etiquette standards whenever they see fit. If that were true, then there were be no etiquette at all, and there would be no 'etiquette' section on this board.

You actually seem strangely hostile to even the most basic concept of etiquette rules, which does make me a bit perplexed why you are answering questions on the *etiquette* section of this forum...

At any rate. One wonderful rule of thumb to consider is how one's actions affect others. The most significant difference between some of the things you describe and the situation in the OP is exactly that.

If a bride wears green, and someone clutches their pearls in dismay - the pearl clutcher is wrong. Why? Because what color the bride wears does not affect her and is not her business.

However, if the bride demands money from someone, that most assuredly *does* affect that person. It is completely inappropriate to demand a gift, which is what this bride would essentially be doing. It is not just 'unseemly' by some Victorian standard, it's appears *selfish and greedy*.

If you cannot tell the difference between demanding a gift, and choosing to wear a certain color, then I'm at a loss.

eureka30030 · May 2012

Instead of calling her out on the etiquitte issue I would just recommend an alternative- like those honeymoon registry websites. I know alot of people on here would also say it's a break of etiquitte but I really enjoyed giving the gift to my old college gal when she got married. If I remember correctly (it was neary 3 years ago) I got them dinner at a swanky restaurant and a sunset cruise. Her & her man loved it as well- they wouldn't have been able to take advantage of everything available had people not chosen to give off their honeymoon registry. Then again, I'm a huge adventurer/get-out-there-and-go type of gal...

As for the bell/bucket issue-- that's a bit much, they are not a charity cause... I could see that becoming very embarrasing/awkward for guests that don't come with cash or chose to get a gift item instead...

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