Mother and I are only so-so

MF&CS=JF · January 2013

Hi everyoone! My mom and I have always had a contentious relationship. She likes to pretend we're the best of friends and tries to act as such, but we fight like cats and dogs. My fiancee and I have been together 10 years this March. She likes him and that is not an issue at all. My mom is just not a very nice person (that's putting it nicely). She has no filter and never stops to think about how a person may feel about what she is saying. My fiancee and I have a wonderful son together who will be one this May. We had been talking about getting married before we found out I was pregnant so we figured we'd wait until after he was born. We are getting married this spring. My mom has been saying for the last year that she and my step-father (whom I am very close to) would pay for us to have an elopement ceremony at this beautiful place on the beach here. I always said okay we will look into when the time is right. When I told her we were going to get married this Spring she suddenly had hundreds of excuses as to why they won't help. That is fine, my fiancee and I will do it ourselves. We don't need a big to do. My issue is when she was saying no she said 2 things to us that really really hurt me and I can't let it go. 1-- she told me that since we've been together 10 years there is no need for a wedding and we should just go to the courthouse. and 2--- she said the only reason I want to have a wedding is because my brother is engaged and is getting married. Quick background---- my brother is my absolute best friend. We are very, very close and to say that I am basically jealous of him hurt me to the core. I want him to have his day and can't begin to imagine over shadowing that. It felt like my mom completely through out my fiancee's and mine 10 years together. We chose this year because it will have been 10 years this year... that seemed special to us. We have found a venue and picked our date. Here's my issue..... I have not told my mom yet that we are going through with our plans to have our small ceremony. We are going to have my mother and step father over for dinner when he gets back in the country. Honestly I don't think I would even have her come if it weren't for the fact I have always wanted my step-dad to walk me down the aisle. I can't very well have him and not her.

I guess my question is How do I handle the negative response she is sure to give when we tell her we are having our wedding and we're paying for it ourselves? I also do not want her to go dress shopping with me... she's very negative about my body after having my son and I don't need that stress on that day. I would rather go alone then have her come. She's sure to have her feelings hurt and I don't know how to handle it.

Thanks for reading my novel, sorry

OliveOilsMom · January 2013

First, if you are paying for your wedding, there is nothing that you need to discuss with your mom about it. So if she asks, just say you have it covered and change the subject. She cannot say anything negative if she doesn't know the plans.

Ask your Step-dad to walk you down the aisle. That doesn't mean you need to have more interaction with your mom about the wedding, except sending them their invitation when the time is right.

If your mom says anthing negative about getting married in a non-courthouse wedding. Just smile and say "thank you for your opinion." Then change the subject. If she sees you reacting to her hurtful words, she will be inclined to keep them up. But if she sees that they do not bother you, perhaps she will just stop saying things.

As for dress shopping, take who you will feel comfortable shopping with. If that is MOG or a close friend or even by yourself, that is fine. Again, don't bring up any wedding details with your mom, so she cannot invite herself to vendor appointments or insert her commentary on your wedding.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-and-i-are-only-so-so?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b7868f3c-7ace-4953-8d95-5583f9819a22Post:acb43d8a-1f89-476b-ab51-b0b760858369">Mother and I are only so-so</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyoone! My mom and I have always had a contentious relationship. She likes to pretend we're the best of friends and tries to act as such, but we fight like cats and dogs. My fiancee and I have been together 10 years this March. She likes him and that is not an issue at all. My mom is just not a very nice person (that's putting it nicely). She has no filter and never stops to think about how a person may feel about what she is saying. My fiancee and I have a wonderful son together who will be one this May. We had been talking about getting married before we found out I was pregnant so we figured we'd wait until after he was born. We are getting married this spring. My mom has been saying for the last year that she and my step-father (whom I am very close to) would pay for us to have an elopement ceremony at this beautiful place on the beach here. I always said okay we will look into when the time is right. When I told her we were going to get married this Spring she suddenly had hundreds of excuses as to why they won't help. That is fine, my fiancee and I will do it ourselves. We don't need a big to do. My issue is when she was saying no she said 2 things to us that really really hurt me and I can't let it go. 1-- she told me that since we've been together 10 years there is no need for a wedding and we should just go to the courthouse. and 2--- she said the only reason I want to have a wedding is because my brother is engaged and is getting married. Quick background---- my brother is my absolute best friend. We are very, very close and to say that I am basically jealous of him hurt me to the core. I want him to have his day and can't begin to imagine over shadowing that. It felt like my mom completely through out my fiancee's and mine 10 years together. We chose this year because it will have been 10 years this year... that seemed special to us. We have found a venue and picked our date. Here's my issue..... I have not told my mom yet that we are going through with our plans to have our small ceremony. We are going to have my mother and step father over for dinner when he gets back in the country. Honestly I don't think I would even have her come if it weren't for the fact I have always wanted my step-dad to walk me down the aisle. I can't very well have him and not her. I guess my question is How do I handle the negative response she is sure to give when we tell her we are having our wedding and we're paying for it ourselves? I also do not want her to go dress shopping with me... she's very negative about my body after having my son and I don't need that stress on that day. I would rather go alone then have her come. She's sure to have her feelings hurt and I don't know how to handle it. Thanks for reading my novel, sorry
Posted by MF&CS=JF[/QUOTE]

I am sorry your Mom is such a PITA. I think for Christmas this year you should buy her a filter for that mouth of hers.

Since you know how she is, and how she always has been, my suggestion would be to ignore any and all future snide comments. I know this will be difficult to do since they are coming from your Mom but it doesn't sound like she has ever tried to change so you can't expect her to suddenly change now. I would say that if she does say something mean or hurtful, immediately turn to her and say "That was very hurtful Mom." and continue on with the conversation. I think she should know when she says something hurtful but you shouldn't dwell on those comments either.

You need to do what you and your FI are happy with. You have your own family now and that should come first. Don't let your Mom ruin your wedding for you. H and I were together 9 years before we got married. The time you have been together should not have any bearing on what kind of wedding you are allowed to have.

Stand up for yourself and let any nasty comment float in one ear and out the other. As long as you and your FI are happy with your plans then that is all that matters.

Good luck!

Simply Fated · January 2013

1-- she told me that since we've been together 10 years there is no need for a wedding and we should just go to the courthouse. .
This part confused me because going to the courthouse and being married there is a wedding, it's just a smaller, private type of wedding. Just want to clear that up.
But that's not my point... my point is, just because you've been together for 10 years, doesn't mean you can't have a larger wedding.

and 2--- she said the only reason I want to have a wedding is because my brother is engaged and is getting married
This isn't the reason. The reason is, ten years is a special year for you... or something. I dunno, your reason sounds just as arbitrary as her reason lol.

Get married because you want to get married and have the wedding you want (and can afford lol)
And wait until it's the right time, not because you have a stack of ten wall calendars.

How do I handle the negative response she is sure to give when we tell her we are having our wedding and we're paying for it ourselves?
Ignore her.

Don't invite her to go dress shopping. She doesn't need to know when you're going. Also, it's sweet that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but since she doesn't give a crap about your feelings, you need to do what's best for your sanity.

I would skip the whole "sit down to dinner and break the news to her" plan. Food will go flying. Dishes will get broken. Tears will stream down. And the guilt trips won't ever stop.

Anytime she brings it up or gives you crap, repeat after me, "Mom, thank you for your opinion."

And definitely ask your step dad to walk you down. This has nothing to do with her.

augustbride33 · January 2013

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I think it doesn't warrant a sit down dinner simply a call and I would start with your mom and quickly move on to your stepdad. End on a positive note and not give her the chance to be negative. If you are close enough with him I would reach out to him first and explain your feelings. I am certain he would appreciate not being blind sided by the course of events and do what he can to be on your side and carefully choose his words when speaking with his wife about being there for you as a support.

As for dress shopping...I have a difficult mom to say the least. To avoid her I simply shopped for my gown online. I didn't want to go into a bridal store without her and try on gowns with anyone else. So I am ordering online; I shopped for the gown my fiance and I wanted to see me in and will go to have it altered with my girlfriends. Perhaps that is an option for you too.

Just remember this is your day and consider the negative source as fuel to be at your best. Make every effort to be supportive of your brothers wedding and show your mom your truest motives by your actions.

MF&CS=JF · February 2013

UPDATE Well, the date we chose for our wedding will be the same time my step dad will be out of state. I didn't know this until I told him about our wedding. I told my mom the next day. Both just said congratulations. I didn't talk to either one of them the next day. Unusual for my mom but not my step dad. My mom decided to send me an email 2 days later. In it she tells me her and my step dad our upset with me. I had a complete lack of regard toward them. I at least owe him respect. Then brought up my fiancee's parents who both passed away. Completely out of the blue and not the topic anyways. The only way to make her happy again would be to change the date. It was very hard for us to pick the date we did to begin with. I don't even know if I want her to come at this point anyways. My brother feels as though he's being put in the middle. She's not being nice to him because I asked him to walk me down the aisle when I found out my step dad could not. I told him I'd rather him not come so he doesn't feel stuck between us. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Mother and I are only so-so

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