Advice for a MOG

Cmerryman · January 2012

Please give me some advice on how to be the best MOG. I am actually the stepmom but very involved with the grooms life, mom is somewhat involved. I have a MIL that does not really like me, so I want to be best MIL I can. I am planning on giving the bride a wedding planning basket. What is some other advice that you wish your FMIL would know or do?

em01092 · January 2012

That is very kind of you! I wish my own FMIL was like you are...

Anyway, who is paying for the wedding? If the bride's family is, or if they are together paying, I would strongly suggest remembering they have the power of the purse. If you are paying, you get to call the shots, but if you aren't, try not to be too demanding about locations, people you'd like to be invited, food, etc. My FMIL is not paying for the wedding (is/was paying for the RD, alcohol at the reception, and some flowers), but was very demanding about who she wanted invited.

Also, are you close with the bride? Don't get upset if she doesn't ask you to do things with her, like fittings and appointments, as she may feel odd about doing it if you are not close.

As for attire, you can wear what ever you like. Your dress/outfit should match the formality of the wedding, but you do not need to match or coordinate with the WP. If you would like to coordinate with the colors, that is your choice. Just talk to the bride and see what she wants. I would only say do not choose a white dress.

I would just let your stepson and the bride know that you are there to help and if you can be of any assistance. If you wish to help out financially, talk to your spouse first, and ask the B&G what they would like you to help cover.

RaptorSLH · January 2012

The biggest parent fights I see on here tend to happen when the parent tries to make the wedding match his/her vision, not the couple's. (As when they try to turn the event into a reunion for their family and friends with guests the couple have never even met.) If you and your husband are helping to pay, with money comes strings, but it should help to decide in advance what those strings are, share them with the couple, and stick to them - no adding "and another thing" as you go.

If you say you'll do something, follow through. Don't keep the bride waiting for something you've agreed to do or provide. (This is the one I'm fighting with my FMIL on.)

Take your lead from the bride. Let her know that you support her and are happy for them both. Everyone has a different personality, and responds differently, but this is what has been most important to my FI and I.

kmmssg · January 2012

MOB here. I can tell you the BEST information I got about being a good MIL was to just read these boards and get a glimpse of how brides are feeling their parents/IL's are respecting boundaries, privacy, etc. It was a huge eye-opener. Some things were just no-brainers, but some other more subtle things I really would have never considered as boundary breaking. These girls have taught me a lot. Hope that works for you too.

[Deleted User] · January 2012

How nice of you! Well my advice is to just remember whose wedding it is. Its like my FMIL is trying to plan her own. My parents are paying and they are very accepting to letting us chose everything. My FMIL is very out spoken and it has been really hard since we (FI and I) have started planning the wedding. She has her opinions on everything, and usually they are not nice. Also about the guest list, my FMIL added over 9 couples that we do not know or maybe met once. And we wanted a small wedding. Just be there to help, give advice and let her know that you like her ideas.

Unfortunately we now have to not talk about wedding details in front of her if at all possible because she caused so much stress on both of us. The FIL's are hosting the RD and this is even been difficult to plan.

gananoque · January 2012

Just to counter this stuff a bit, I hope you don't end up being afraid to even speak to your future daughter-in-law. I guess I see it all differently since I have a MIL who is sweet and gentle and kind as can be. She has never been pushy or demanding with me. In fact, sometimes I've felt like she was nervous about saying anything at all.

I think it's important for everyone to remember that weddings are not just about the BRIDE. She IS marrying someone. So I hope your son gets a say in things as well. I've never understood weddings being so Bride-centric. It is about the coming together of two people and BOTH families being involved.

Maybe it all just comes down to finances and the "tradition" of the bride's family footing the bill. But that seems really old fashioned and outdated to me...

The day of my wedding my MIL and I found ourselves alone together sort of by chance, an hour or two before the ceremony. She took the opportunity to tell me how much she loved me and how much it meant to her that I was marrying her son. It meant the world to me and was the most wonderful thing she could have ever said or done.

1BabyFritsch · January 2012

Best advice I have is to listen and then react. A lot of issues I have wil my FMIL is that she dosent think about how her opinions/words can hurt not only me but FI too. We want things to be perfect for US everyone has a idea at how a wedding should look, just realize they may not always mesh.
If you are wanting to contribute thats great but dont feel like you have to. If you do decide to contribute please be open and honest about how much you want to contribute. My FFIL has been wonderful about once he decided to help about giving us a realistic budget. That way there has been no confusion.
Always be honest but not harsh, if you are contributing and dont agree with a idea be open enough to hear both sides(Hope your FDIL and Step son are able to do this to).
Lastly, Always be a open ear/and be someone who the bide/groom can come to thats the best part of getting married not only do you get to marry the person you love but you get a whole new set of parents who love you and are there when you need them, or at least thats what we all hope for!
GOOD LUCK!

graysquirrel · January 2012

I think that the best thing you can do is let her know that you are interested and are willing to help her out whenever she needs it. Also, my MIL was great about working with the groomsmen and my H to get ready. She did whatever she could to help set up and make sure her son and his friends were doing ok. That took a huge weight off of my shoulders knowing that I could get ready and do what I had to without worrying if the guys were ok.

Muffin'sMom · January 2012

We had our day...MANY years ago! This is their day. My goal was to love everything and be excited by whatever they chose. I raised an amazing daughter, she's entitled to have the day she wants, not the day that I want. I would imagine it's the same for the MOG.

Have fun, relax, be joyful!

calliopeia2013 · January 2012

As a bride, here are my few things I wish my FMIL and FsMIL would do (and mostly they are!):

- Step back, relax, and let us plan our wedding. If you're contributing to the wedding, the nicest thing you can do is trust us to spend the money you've given us wisely and responsibly. If you're not contributing, trust that we can spend our own money wisely and responsibly.

- Offer to help, if you want to help, but don't pressure a bride who doesn't want or need any additional help, or take it personally that she doesn't want or need any additional help.

- I'm not quite sure how to put this in a way that makes sense, but...be careful with the unsolicited advice. A little bit is okay and often helpful; too much and it comes across as meddling/controlling. Mostly reserve your advice for when it's requested.

- If there are any expectations you have such that you would be very insulted or hurt if they weren't carried out, let your son/stepson know. (Things beyond basic etiquette, I mean.) Neither the bride nor the groom is a mind-reader, and if you think it's, like, the social snub of the century to not invite your great-aunt who the groom has never met, you need to tell them. They may still not listen to you, but at least you'll have talked about it. Generally keep the lines of communication open.

calindi · January 2012

Wow, I wish I had a FMIL who cared enough to ask! Mine basically doesn't care, which I suppose is better than caring too much and trying to tell us what to do. If you have to pick the better of two evils.

I'll focus my advice on life rather than just wedding planning. Because how you deal with wedding planning will set the bar for the relationship going forward, which is ultimately more important.

Always respect that they are a unit, first and foremost. It isn't your son and his wife - it will be your son and daughter-in-law (I'm ignoring 'step' because I have 'step' family who are simply family - sometimes blood isn't the be-all-end-all). That means they get to choose how and when they visit, including how they spend holidays, and it will likely be a compromise for all involved. Do your best to make it easy on them - chances are they would love to be in two places at once, but it isn't always possible. Our families have been incredibly gracious in adapting to a different holiday schedule and being flexible - it's taken a lot of pressure off of us, since we were both sad to spend holidays away from our families at first.

Treat your daughter-in-law as well as you treat your own children. You don't need to be her parent, so be her friend. Get to know her as a person, and show you value her opinion.

Be honest and understanding. If something hurts your feelings, tell her in a respectful way. But know that she has her own opinions and at some point you may have to step back and let her do things her way (especially with the wedding). Learning how to agree-to-disagree graciously is very important!

Cmerryman · January 2012

Thanks for all the great advice I will keep coming back here, I truly want to be the MIL of her dreams. I was a bride 8 short years ago for the first time at the age of 32. I think being an older bride gave me some perspective I realized it was my day but it was truly not all about me. The day was about becoming a family. We became a family of 4, my son and FDIL will be a family of 2. We are their extended family. My husband and I are blessed in that we live in the same city her family is 8 hours away. I am all for celebrating holidays when it works for them, we see them weekly.

Everytime I am tempted to voice my unsolicited opinion I will remember all you poor bride how have family that gives their opinion on everything, and i will keep my mouth shut.

If I could give 2 pieces of advice for for all brides it would be that just share some of what you are doing or thinking about in your planning. Give your family a chance to share in the excitement not all of us what to have an oponion but we are hurt when you do not atleast share. My FDIL and son have just told us that they are looking at two different months but never ask if any weekends where problems for our family: such as thinking about finals for his brother in collage or a business trip my husband CANNOT change even a year out.

The second would be the most important part of your wedding is not the wedding it is what you make of your marriage afterwards. As you are planning you wedding ask yourself if you will work that hard every day to make your marriage as special as you want your wedding day to be. Don't think I am some crazy person and had a no fun stripped down wedding. My parents, self and husband spent a great deal on our wedding for 350 who all wanted to celebrate the day with us. We had an amazing wedding and we have an amazing marriage because we both work at it.

ymagaia · February 2012

I am a mother in law to my stepson and his beautiful wife. We asked how we could help, offered advice only when asked and were there and ready to fulfill their ideal night when we paid for their rehersal dinner. Everything that they requested and they wanted, not what we wanted simply because we held the purse strings. Simply you coming here and asking shows you care enough not to put yourself and your wishes first.. My daughter in law started coming to me with all kinds of questions and requests, evenmore after my granddaughters started arriving. Show you have a good set of ears and you will have to beat them off with a stick!!!

hydrangeabeach · March 2012

Well, I like that the OP set some advice for the brides. As a current MOG trying to be respectful of boundaries and allowing my son and his FI the pleasure of planning their day, I'd like to throw some light on the perspective of the parents of the couple, too.

First of all, your dads and moms (bride and groom's both) know "it's your day" and the wedding is "about you." Please remember though, that it is a tiny bit about us, too, whether we are paying for all or part or none of the wedding. We raised you, and just like at other milestones in your life, are excited and happy, proud, and incredulous that you are adults and forming your own family. Because of this, we want to be part of the celebration and ritual. Often, for moms that can be wanting to be part of the planning, too.

We are not necessarily wanting to plan the wedding we want, or forgetting that we already "had our day." We're excited, and sometimes that spills over. Please keep that in mind and don't assume we are trying to take over, don't trust you, or being critical.

Gently reminding us that our excitement and delight about decor or shoes or flowers is spilling over ("thanks for the idea; I'll think about it...") will keep us in line. Really. It's when you decide not to share anything and not to include us in the process that problems start, or worsen. Sometimes we even cry, not for "effect" but because we are sad and or hurt by being left out.

Trust me, there is not a greater hurt than finding out the date of the wedding from the mother of your best friend because you decided to not share what's going on because you perceived us as annoying, negative, controlling, or trying to redo our own weddings. Sometimes the advice to brides on these boards to "not talk about the wedding" causes more problems than necessary. It's actually more mature and responsible to be kind and expect the best from the MOG than to expect she's jealous of you or she can't let go of her baby boy.

Understand that we are both excited and adjusting to the changes in the family, just as you and our sons are. Everybody's stressed, and everybody needs to be cut a break. Or a hug. Or a "thanks, mom."

As for our sons being "momma's boys".... please give them a break. That aforementioned stress is often worse for the guys since they are trying to please you and not hurt us. And not wanting to hurt his mom is actually good thing, and that's probably a part of why you love him in the first place. And trust me, you'll expect that from your own sons someday if you've raised them right.

As for us wanting to invite some friends, and the relatives that you don't know well, please understand that we want to share our excitement and joy with people we’ve shared our lives with. I said earlier that your wedding is a tiny bit about us: this is where that comes in. Some of these folks have shared your childhood and upbringing with us. Often, those folks were at the baby shower when we were pregnant with you, attended your choir concerts and soccer games with us, supported us through the emergency appendectomies and college acceptance/rejection process. They may have been your teachers or coaches, or maybe not intimately important to you, but they have been to us. They were thrilled to know you've found your love and life's partner. And we'd like to share the profoundness of the day with them as our family experiences this incredible day.

I imagine that there are exceptions to what I describe: that there are some moms who want lots of say and can’t let go. But we’re not all momzillas. Please don’t assume we are, or turn a difference of opinion into a cause for leaving us out of the loop. Expect the best, not the worst, and we’ll do our best to give that to you. …

Cmerryman · March 2012

Very well said hyndrangeabeach!

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