Pre-wedding Parties

Bride having destination wedding in Italy plus Bachelorette in Munich the weekend before....She's go

I am the MOH at my cousin's wedding in Sept 2012. She is planning on having her wedding in Italy at a castle. Her fiance is more than 10 years older than her and they both have boat loads of money to spend on their big day, but also expect all of their guests to spend the same and get literally furious when people say they can't afford it/can't attend.

And it doesn't stop there. They also had a four-day long engagement party in February of this year in the mountains of Colorado (where all of the bride's friends live except me as I live in London, but none of the groom's friends live...they are from California) which was held in a villa where we all had to sleep AND share a room with at least two other people that we did not know...some people had to sleep in bunkbeds with eight people to a room. She also charged everyone $200 to come to their engagement party to help pay to rent the villa for the four days, not to mention the $800 plane ticket I spent to fly to Colorado. Let's just say that the groom's friends kept all of us up until 5 am blasting techno music, and then had the nerve to get mad when I told them to turn it off because some people were trying to sleep, including the bride's 85 year-old grandmother.

So anyway, I am writing here to ask for advice on what to do in this situation. The bride and groom are adamant about having their wedding in Italy in some castle that will sleep all of their guests a hotel is NOT an option), where we willl most likely have to share rooms again. Also they don't have castles to rent out in Rome that sleep guests so we will most likely be in the countryside at least an hour drive away from a major airport, requiring even more travel. And I must not forget that their wedding is to be a 5 day event and we will all be stuck in the same building with everyone in the countryside of Italy, with no tourist things to do and no way to get away to get some alone time if you need it. Also it's going to be at least $1200 to get a plane ticket to Rome. And that doesn't include food for everyday that isn't the wedding day, as well as transport from the airport and back.

So, at this time, 4 out of 8 of her bridesmaids have completely bailed out on the wedding and the bride has flipped her lid. She has completely stopped all contact with them and thinks that these people don't care about her if they can't afford to come for one reason or another. Also most members of her family have said they can't make the wedding either due to the cost or because they can't take that much time off work, etc., to which she also flipped out and told people they could start saving since it was over a year away. She also expects my 14 year-old sister to a week off of her first weeks of high school to come be a flower girl, to which my parents said no. And she expects our 85 year-old grandmother to make the 10 hour flight to Italy, to which her doctor specifically said no flying because of her health. When the bride heard this she said she would be fine because several of her fiance's groomsmen are doctors....and that she could fly first class. If you can believe that, when my grandmother went to the engagement party in the mountains, her legs swelled up and she couldn't walk for a week after returning because of a kidney issue. But the bride still can't get her head around her not being able to fly. What makes it worse is that her fiance has 10 groomsmen (!!!) and all of them are coming and none have bailed. This makes her feel really crappy like all of her friends don't care. The groom's friends are all 10 years older than us at least, and are all wealthy habitual frat boy partiers that don't have families and all have jobs that allow them to take many weeks off work at a time, as the groom is having a THREE WEEK LONG bachelor party touring around the Black Sea in September of this year.

As for the bride's idea of a bachelorette party, she let it slip that she wants to have it in Munich at Oktoberfest the weekend before her wedding in Italy!!!! So not only would everyone need to fly to Rome, they first have to make a stop in Munich, then fly to Rome, then fly back home! Not to mention paying for a hotel in Munich for the weekend and going out money and food! As I am planning on driving to Italy with my boyfriend to the wedding to make a nice little vacation out of it, I can't possibly make a stop in Munich and expect him to hang out alone all weekend whilst I throw a bachelorette party.

What is the best way to approach? I live in London like I said, but am travelling back to the States in a months' time and can speak with her in person then. Being that I live in London, most of the expensive plane trips from the States don't affect me, but she is expecting me to travel with her to Italy to look at venues with wedding planners in a few months for several days, as well as flying to Colorado to rent a limo all day and go look at wedding dresses with her mother and all the bridesmaids, and on top of that, I have to fly to New York in December to go to Kleinfeld's to look at dresses as well!!!.......................Since I am the MOH, I feel it is my responsibilty to let her know that all of the remaining bridesmaids have specifically told me that they are freaking out over being about to afford this wedding in Italy alone, let alone the bachelorette party and dress and shoes. I don't want more people to bail and don't want to see her wallow in her self-created misery anymore. 

Also I feel it is important to mention that her fiance has made the decision that the wedding is to be in Italy because that is where he proposed to her and he is Catholic so he wants their marrage to be blessed by the Pope. It was never her idea but he is a VERY passionate person to say the least, and the bride has taken it on board 100%. She never used to be this way until she met her fiance. He has influenced her to think that everything must be a week-long extravagant party. Is there anyway to show them that she needs to have the wedding in the States if she wants her friends and family to be able to attend? So far my best guess is saying that when she looks back at the pictures and the memories and doesn't see hardly anyone she cares about there, maybe she will re-think alienating everyone she cares about and hold it closer to home.

Any advice would be helpful. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Bride having destination wedding in Italy plus Bachelorette in Munich the weekend before....She's go

  • kmmssgkmmssg
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited December 2011
    In all honesty, those other BM's need to bail.  Your friend is way off the deep end here.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd be having a come to Jesus talk with her.  There is obviously no approaching her in a quiet heart to heart about this because of her past behavior and expectations.

    As her MOH you need to lay the cards on the table and explain why everyone is bailing and can't afford her fairy tale.  If I were you, I'd be bailing too.  People can only treat you the way you allow them to.
  • edited December 2011
    Surprised

    That's pretty much my reaction to this whole thing. The bride is way way WAY out of line and I don't blame her other BMs for bailing. I can't believe you have held on this long. 

    You definitely need to have a sit-down with her and explain how you feel about all of this. She can't honestly expect people to go into debt or into poor health just for her wedding. It seems to me like she is basing all her decisions on what her FI and his guys are doing, too. That's fine if they have the money and inclination to do all that, but she can't expect the same in return from her friends. 

    I also think you need to decide if you can continue to be friends with someone like this, because it sounds like an all or nothing thing to her. Either you go into debt and possibly lose your job for time off work or you stop being her friend. I hate to say it, but maybe she will realize how horrible she has been to everyone when they all stop talking to her. 

    Sorry you have to deal with all of this, but don't let you being MOH give her license to walk all over you. 
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  • cjm2020cjm2020
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011

    If the Bride and Groom are expecting all of their attendants to fly off to all these 'destination' parties including the wedding why aren't they footing part of everyone's bill? It actually sounds like they could afford to pay for their entire wedding party's costs -  I have never heard of anyone wanting all this...do they think they are royalty?

    As hard as it might be, you may be the only one who can make an appeal to them - as a couple. This way the bride won't feel like your attacking her directly but they both need to understand (fiance especially since it sounds like the bride does whatever he says) what a financial bind their life choices are putting everyone in!

  • mia082683mia082683
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Bride having destination wedding in Italy plus Bachelorette in Munich the weekend before....She's gone crazy!!!! Help!:
    That's pretty much my reaction to this whole thing. The bride is way way WAY out of line and I don't blame her other BMs for bailing. I can't believe you have held on this long.  You definitely need to have a sit-down with her and explain how you feel about all of this. She can't honestly expect people to go into debt or into poor health just for her wedding. It seems to me like she is basing all her decisions on what her FI and his guys are doing, too. That's fine if they have the money and inclination to do all that, but she can't expect the same in return from her friends.  I also think you need to decide if you can continue to be friends with someone like this, because it sounds like an all or nothing thing to her. Either you go into debt and possibly lose your job for time off work or you stop being her friend. I hate to say it, but maybe she will realize how horrible she has been to everyone when they all stop talking to her.  Sorry you have to deal with all of this, but don't let you being MOH give her license to walk all over you. 
    Posted by waltzingmatilda13
    This...

    and by the way, it sounds to me like you, as the MOH, will spend much more on this insane wedding than I have spent on mine.. as the bride!
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks guys for all the input. Just an update: the bride has sent out an email to two of her bridesmaids and myself 'Girls trip in Europe 2011' where she wants everyone to come visit me (and stay with me for free), then take a flight to Florence to look at venues, then fly to Ireland for a vacation. All expenses would be up to each person themselves, except for the hotel in Florence, which she has budgeted for.

    I told her that I can only come to Florence to look at venues with her because I have a free flight to anywhere in Europe on British Airways which I plan to use, but will not be able to go anywhere else because I do have a job and am not going to take time off for her after she has acted like this.

    And to make things worse, her fiance attacked me on facebook, publicly, in front of all of his and my friends and told me I was less of an achieved person in life than his bride because I make less money than her and don't own a car outright (in London, where having a car is like having one in NYC). And that is the polite version. Yep. I couldn't believe it. So high school. So WAYYYY over it.
  • banana468banana468
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited December 2011
    And this is a family member?

    Just out of curiosity, do the rest of the family think that they've lost it??
  • physicsphysics
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011
    I think there may be something else going on with your cousin. Has she always been that spolied? She may be reacting to all sorts of other things and you might want to ask her what is really going on.

    I am also having a 'destination' wedding in Italy in 2 months. It's not actually a destination for my FH's family, who is from Rome and the reason we are having it there. I'm super excited about the whole thing, but it is actually a bit dissappointing that most of my friends and family can't make it. I know if I had it here I could throw a super huge awesome reception. I don't blame anyone - I have missed weddings myself for the same reason, but I still am sad about it, and she may be reacting to the same thing. It's not fun to hear over and over that people aren't going to make your wedding, especially from people who intended to go and can afford it, but the dates don't work or they feel uncomfortable taking a few days off. I'm lucky I am only having my sister as a MOH and no bridesmaids. It would have been far to complicated (everyone is in CA) and besides, they don't have bridesmaids in Italy - maybe tell your cousin that.

    I think you need to suggest to her that she needs to decide to help the few people that can't get there on their own -- for the wedding though -- not all these other trips. Since when does the whole wedding party help scout out the location?
  • kmmssgkmmssg
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited December 2011
    Why are you still in this wedding?  This is way beyond the point of ridiculous and rude.  After the FB deal, are you still going to be in this wedding?  It is one thing to take a committment seriously, but it is entirely different when you are being treated so disrespectfully by both of them.  Are you still going to do this?
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Bride having destination wedding in Italy plus Bachelorette in Munich the weekend before....She's gone crazy!!!! Help!:
    Thanks guys for all the input. Just an update: the bride has sent out an email to two of her bridesmaids and myself 'Girls trip in Europe 2011' where she wants everyone to come visit me (and stay with me for free), then take a flight to Florence to look at venues, then fly to Ireland for a vacation. All expenses would be up to each person themselves, except for the hotel in Florence, which she has budgeted for. I told her that I can only come to Florence to look at venues with her because I have a free flight to anywhere in Europe on British Airways which I plan to use, but will not be able to go anywhere else because I do have a job and am not going to take time off for her after she has acted like this. And to make things worse, her fiance attacked me on facebook, publicly, in front of all of his and my friends and told me I was less of an achieved person in life than his bride because I make less money than her and don't own a car outright (in London, where having a car is like having one in NYC). And that is the polite version. Yep. I couldn't believe it. So high school. So WAYYYY over it.
    Posted by skatehorse012

    You need to get out of this wedding ASAP. Her FI has no right to "speak" to you that way and they both sound like awful people. Don't waste any more of your time on this wedding. 

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  • dbridbri
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I know I have other things to pay for than for my own transportation to someone else's vacation.... seriously- save the 2K plus for an amazing world cruise and skip this fail wedding. Groom is a douchebag- I woudl delete them all off FB and off of my life
  • edited December 2011
    Stay out of it IMMEDIATELY. This wedding planning is a recipe for disaster! Money can't buy happiness and you don't deserve to be part of this fake event. A person (the groom) who is totally childish immature brat cannot force people to do as they wish. Your cousin should understand that not everybody has her acomodated finances and if she doesn't, then she is as childish immature person as her groom - well deserved to each other.
    Move on with your life and thanks for sharing :)
  • dbridbri
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    and tell us what happens!!!
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