Here's a good one

chelseamb11 · December 2012

I've been wondering this for awhile. God tells us we need to forgive seven times seventy times. He has forgiven us that many times, after all.
But can you forgive someone who just simply isn't sorry?
You guys are slightly aware of the crap my dad has pulled in the past. This fall it has exponentially increased. He's treated me poorly, H poorly, even both my bros poorly. The list is neverending and the cherry on top is the fact that "he's making three trips back up to WI between now and July, so he can't afford a trip up in August when the baby's born". (He's moving to FL at the end of the month because "now that little bro lives with mom, there's nothing keeping him up here".........okay......?)

He has yet to be sorry or apologize even for the stunt he pulled before and at our wedding. But God tells us to forgive. I'm to the point of cutting him out of our lives because I don't want my child exposed to a man like him.

Maybe this will spark an interesting conversation. Can you forgive someone who isn't repentant?

lalaith50 · December 2012

Absolutely. Forgiving doesn't mean that you approve of their behavior or even want them in your life. Forgiving doesn't mean that you're saying what they do or did is ok.

agapecarrie · December 2012

Forgiving also doesn't mean that you have to continue to have a close relationship either. Your top priority is God, then your spouse, then your children. You have to do what is best in that order, which may mean having a gentle but firm distance from certain people that cause disruption to your family.

I had some great counsel from a priest once...I think this had something to do with St. Ignatius, but I don't remember. When we work on forgiveness of someone, there are three steps.

1. Pray for their soul. This is usually the "easier" one. Praying they go to heaven.

2. Pray for them to become a better person on earth.

3. Pray for them to be happy while on earth. This is usually the hardest.

When you can pray all 3, then usually there's enough peace and forgiveness to put things to rest in your mind.

MedStudent13 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_heres-a-good-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3a32da7a-04e8-4b5b-b1c2-5778547bd8a3Post:50a0f6a9-131b-4fcd-a379-19bdafb31dff">Re: Here's a good one</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Pray for their soul. This is usually the "easier" one. Praying they go to heaven. 2. Pray for them to become a better person on earth. 3. Pray for them to be happy while on earth. This is usually the hardest. When you can pray all 3, then usually there's enough peace and forgiveness to put things to rest in your mind.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

<div>I like this!</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Calypso1977 · December 2012

my parents pretty much cut us out of my grandparents lives as well as my aunts and uncles (all on my fathers side).

they did not want us to be around hurtful people who belittled my mother and even us.

while i did miss out on my cousins (who are all pretty much dysfunctional but nice people) i really dont regret not knowing that side of the family all that well. my grandmother told me i was fat when i was 8. who needs that in their life? i think my parents did the right thing, and chelsea, you, your husband and your kids are your #1 familial relationship - you need to do whats best for you and if cutting your dad out is what your gut is telling you, then follow it.

Riss91 · December 2012

I agree - you have to forgive, even if they don't seem to be sorry. When someone behaves this destructively, I feel like they are truly suffering/struggling. I love carrie's list of prayers. There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself (and your family) from him. Just keep praying, and do what you can to show your love. When his actions aren't reflective of love/compassion, pray for him. At the end of the day HE is the one missing out by not making more of an effort.

bibliophile2010 · December 2012

PPs have given some great advice. I especially love Carrie's prayer advice. I just wanted to pass along a hug!

monkeysip · December 2012

Yup, Carrie said it perfectly. You have to forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to continue to subject yourself to pain and abuse.

s-aries8990 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_heres-a-good-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3a32da7a-04e8-4b5b-b1c2-5778547bd8a3Post:dad5e0b2-2727-4157-9010-20466066222f">Re: Here's a good one</a>:
[QUOTE]Yup, Carrie said it perfectly. You have to forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to continue to subject yourself to pain and abuse.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

Very true. Forgiveness isn't easy and it isn't supposed to be, but if you can forgive those who have treated you the most poorly, you are a much stronger person than they are. Continue to pray for him.

Resa77 · December 2012

Totally agree with PP's. I once heard a great homily on forgiveness. The priest said that he dislikes the saying "forgive and forget" because that's not really how it works. He said we are supposed to forgive 70 x 7, and that sometimes means that we forgive someone, and then somehow we find ourselves mad at them still for that same thing. And so we forgive again. It can take a lifetime to really, truly find forgiveness that sticks lol!

One word of advice, though. If you cut out a family member, that doesn't mean everyone else does. You might end up having a Christmas where your brother invites the whole family over, and you have to either be around Dad, or miss out. When your brother's child turns 1, you might have to either miss out on the party, or have your H and kids be around Dad. If you plan on just sucking it up and going to functions where he is, I'd recommend against having a big "I'm cutting you out of my life" talk, and rather would just distance yourself, detach emotionally if possible (so that way you're not hurt when he does his usual stuff), and then suck it up when those family functions arise. Hope that helps!

maggieandrey · December 2012

I struggle with this everyday, with my stepmom. She doesn't realize how destructive her words and actions are to those around her. It's hard to describe - it's like she knows that as my mother, she should care, but she just doesn't? Anyway, it hurts. Every day.

One thing I pray for is patience. Because for me, I can forgive her for treating me like I don't matter, and I can learn to live within the confines of the relationship she does (or does not) want for us, but I need patience to keep my own emotions in check and accept it.

I bet you'll be an *awesome* parent because you are recognizing the hurtful behavior and learning from the situation. Your heart is obviously in the right place, and I'm sure you will know the right thing to do in regards to your dad and your kids.

chelseamb11 · December 2012

Thanks guys! I really appreciate all the advice!

Ciardasully · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_heres-a-good-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3a32da7a-04e8-4b5b-b1c2-5778547bd8a3Post:50a0f6a9-131b-4fcd-a379-19bdafb31dff">Re: Here's a good one</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Forgiving also doesn't mean that you have to continue to have a close relationship either. </strong>Your top priority is God, then your spouse, then your children. You have to do what is best in that order, which may mean having a gentle but firm distance from certain people that cause disruption to your family. I had some great counsel from a priest once...I think this had something to do with St. Ignatius, but I don't remember. When we work on forgiveness of someone, there are three steps. 1. Pray for their soul. This is usually the "easier" one. Praying they go to heaven. 2. Pray for them to become a better person on earth. 3. Pray for them to be happy while on earth. This is usually the hardest. When you can pray all 3, then usually there's enough peace and forgiveness to put things to rest in your mind.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

This totally just clicked for me. I struggle with forgiveness, maybe because I have it in my mind that everything has to be back to how it was. Thanks for the A-ha moment agapecarrie!

Here's a good one

Re: Here's a good one

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