Family drama...

Resa77 · July 2011

I've only been engaged for under a month, and already my mom and I had our first disagreement. It wasn't really a fight or argument, because we're both pretty calm people. But I'm pretty upset by it.

Basically, my mom wants me to invite my brother to my wedding. My brother has done some terrible things and basically tore our family apart for awhile.

I don't want him in my life. I haven't seen him for several years, nor have most of my siblings. I know other family members won't attend the wedding if he's there, because they are too uncomfortable around him . My fiance has never met him, but really doesn't want him there.

The funny part is, he didn't invite me to his wedding! And my mom didn't have a word to say about that!

Anyways, my mom is saying that it will break my parents' hearts if I exclude him, and I feel really guilty now. I don't want to hurt them. But I would rather not have a wedding than have him there. So I don't know what to do. I'm afraid my parents will decide not to come to my wedding (they've done things like this before) if I don't invite him. So basically, this time that's supposed to be so happy for me and my family, is now a source of tension and hurt. I'm so upset over this.

My Mom keeps throwing "forgiveness" and things like that at me. Can't you forgive someone, but still cut them out of your life? If someone does terrible things to you, are you morally justified in excluding them?

How would you all deal with this?

doctabroccoli · July 2011

Do you have a reason to think he'll cause a scene at your wedding?

If his feelings towards you are as negative as your feelings towards him, he may not even come even if he is invited.

professorscience · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:6297681e-7904-43dd-a1cb-e0b4fedfaee0Post:1451b52f-7513-4f88-994f-33dcf1dad1d2">Re: Family drama...</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you have a reason to think he'll cause a scene at your wedding?<strong> If his feelings towards you are as negative as your feelings towards him, he may not even come even if he is invited.</strong>
Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I was thinking. It is hard to make a decision, not being in your shoes. I think I would invite him, on the offchance that there is ever a mending of your relationship. I just hate to think that there could be a time that you might regret not extending an invitation.</div>

Riss91 · July 2011

I always believe in being the bigger person, so I would at least extend an invite. If he actually accepts the invite, then I would start thinking about how to manage a possible volatile situation.

I was in a similar situation with an uncle.... we still invited him, he didn't atend. I didn't want to look back later and feel badly.

chelseamb11 · July 2011

I know the feeling. Forgiveness is such a tricky thing, and I've been working through it in regards to my father who is a real jerk. But like Riss said, you don't want to look back down the road and regret it.
I would recommend sitting down and really talking to your mom about your feelings. Explain that you are hurt by his previous actions towards the family and you don't see why she is so insistent for him to be invited to your wedding but she wasn't insistent about you being invited to his. See how she responds to this.
In the end, maybe this is time to extend the olive branch. I have no idea what your brother did or how he hurt everyone, but if you haven't seen/heard from him in awhile, he could have possibly changed.
I think communication is best regardless of the path you choose. And if people don't come to your wedding because someone certain is there, they are pretty crappy in my opinion.

newlyseliski · July 2011

My husband and I had several people on our guest list that we had some qualms over inviting as well... they weren't family members, but we were afraid of issues that they'd cause or drama that would ensue with other guests attending that they didn't get along with. In the end, we invited about half of the questionables and most didn't end up being able to attend anyways. We didn't have any issues from the ones that attended.

I'd agree with previous posters that extending the olive branch would be your best bet so you have no future regrets. From the sounds of it... docta is probably right that he'll opt not to attend. If he does attend, I'd make your parents responsible for keeping him in line if he'd potentially cause any issues at the wedding since they're the ones who insist on you inviting him. I recommend making that the prerequisite for extending him an invitation... you and your husband should not have to deal with it on your wedding day.

Resa77 · July 2011

Thanks everyone. Please offer a prayer for me! It's a tough situation that's very sensitive for everyone in my family.

Calypso1977 · July 2011

if you think you can not invite him and have no regrets, then i wouldnt invite him. its not fair of your parents to try to use your wedding day as a family reunion/make up session with their son.

or you can invite him and take your chances that he wont show.

its also hard becuase i dont know what "terrible things" he's done. if he stole, did drugs, but now he's ok, id probably invite him. if he molested some child or murdered someone, i'm not sure i could invite him.

Resa77 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:6297681e-7904-43dd-a1cb-e0b4fedfaee0Post:4625a377-3df9-47b6-b706-92b42db70466">Re: Family drama...</a>:
[QUOTE]. its also hard becuase i dont know what "terrible things" he's done. if he stole, did drugs, but now he's ok, id probably invite him. if he <strong>molested some child</strong> or murdered someone, i'm not sure i could invite him.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

That's basically it. Along with drugs and stealing (as in all my mom's jewelry, my ssister's credit card, another sister's Rx meds). It was 4 children in the family, and who knows who else. So that's why a lot of us, victims or not, don't want him in our lives. It doesn't feel right to include him in events where kids will be present. And it doesn't feel right to make the victims uncomfortable just so we're not leaving him out.

I guess for me, I feel like he did something terrible, and so no one has to let him in their lives. I don't think it's fair of my mom to expect her victimized children to have flashbacks or panic attacks, just so his feelings aren't hurt. But she always seems to feel sorry for him and thinks the victims and others are just being mean, unchristian, etc.

I just wish my mom wouldn't guilt me. I want my parents to be happy at my wedding. And honestly I now feel like my wedding is ruined, whether he comes or not.

jazzybacc · July 2011

First of all, I think you're right to not want him there, since you feel so stronly against his actions.

If your parents threaten to not come if you don't invite him, that's just hypocritical. Did they not go to your brother's wedding when you weren't invited. They should support your decision.

That being said... My half sister (mom's side) was molested by my father when she was a kid, before I was born. When I found out, I was disgusted, but he's my father. I still don't treat him the same or even look at him the same. I won't have my children around him alone without worrying, even though I doubt he would do anything to them.

People make mistakes. I completely understand where you're coming from and I don't blame you for being peeved at your brother, but think of it this way: His own parents have forgiven him. He found a woman to marry him. Maybe it's time you forgave him? At least talk to him and try to clear the air. If you can't reconcile it in a conversation or two, then decide not to invite him.

I hope it goes well and just remember to stick to your decision. Don't let your parents guilt you into something you feel uncomfortable with.

LOLways · July 2011

Are your parents paying for the wedding?

Your mom is wrong for projecting guilt on you. She probably has her own issues about "how could my son do these things", and probably wants to erase it and start over. Or act like nothing bad ever happened. It's wrong of her to use your wedding as a moment to attempt to cleanse her own conscience. If it will ruin your day, and possibly the day of many of your guests, then your brother should not be invited.

If your parents are not paying for the wedding, this is a no-brainer. Don't invite him.

If they are paying for the wedding, then maybe you should discuss this with your father or anyone else that may get through to your mother. This is not the time to be dragging family drama to the table. It is a celebration of the union of you and your FH, and that should be the focus of the day.

ootmother2 · July 2011

Yes, you can forgive someone but still not want to maintain a relationship with them.

I'd have to give this one some thought

Jay&Marissa · July 2011

My mom was molested by an extended relative as a child...parents never did anything about it. Thank goodness it was only on a few occasions and not a continuous thing. My grandparents forced my mom to invite him to her wedding when she got married. My father was pissed. She did it because they insisted. She regrets inviting him now.

plumbjem · July 2011

Forgiveness is a gift that sometimes you have to give. You have not been engaged that long. Put off the lists for a while if you have the time. Do you ever see yourself mending your relationship with your brother? Is there any part of you that might regret not having your brother at the wedding or at the very least inviting him? By putting the decision on him you are showing that you are making an effort but he still has the opportunity to decline. It's a difficult situation. Try to enjoy being engaged before the wedding chaos ensues (it will). This is something that you have to decide for yourself. Only you knows what you're comfortable with and on your and your fiance's day you two are the most important people. You deserve to be happy.

Jay&Marissa · July 2011

I'll also say this...my mom uses this example sometimes with her clients (she's a Catholic therapist actually)

If you let someone hold your purse and they steal your wallet, it is your Christian duty to forgive them. However, it is not your Christian duty to allow them to hold your purse again. In a nutshell, forgiveness does not equal allowing the person to harm you again.

In your case, I guess you need to figure out if inviting him is a simple act of forgiveness or if it would be "letting him hold your purse again." If he has not repented for his actions and his victims are young children who would be at the event, I'd say it is the latter.

Resa77 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:6297681e-7904-43dd-a1cb-e0b4fedfaee0Post:e0eac11a-126e-4ee0-901d-4c3dc0653303">Re: Family drama...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll also say this...my mom uses this example sometimes with her clients (she's a Catholic therapist actually) I<strong>f you let someone hold your purse and they steal your wallet, it is your Christian duty to forgive them. However, it is not your Christian duty to allow them to hold your purse again</strong>. In a nutshell, forgiveness does not equal allowing the person to harm you again. In your case, I guess you need to figure out if inviting him is a simple act of forgiveness or if it would be "letting him hold your purse again." If he has not repented for his actions and his victims are young children who would be at the event, I'd say it is the latter.
Posted by Jay&Marissa[/QUOTE]

I really like that. I've never heard anything like it, but it's definitely something I'll use in the future!

Thanks for all the advice!!

lmeade62 · July 2011

I guess one thing I'd like to know is whether your brother has been through any kind of treatment for his sex offending, and whether he's taken responsibility and is sorry for what he did. If he has, then I think I would be more inclined to extend a hand of forgiveness. However, the process of family reunification in these instances isn't something that happens overnight, even if everyone wants it - it takes time to process those wounds and decide how much you want to live with the scars.

If he has not, then I would have concerns about his being around children unsupervised. And pray for him.

I do think you can forgive someone but not want to have them in your life...I work with sex offenders as a psychologist. Many feel tremendous remorse and regret for what they did and working hard to understand why they did it and how not to do it again. But they've also come to accept the fact that their actions alienated their families, and that this may never change.

One thing you might also consider is talking to your priest about the situation. I think that's one of the first things I'd want to do in these circumstances.

Thoughts and prayers for you...

Linda

kate5283kate · July 2011

This is hard - I'm sorry.

I think forgiveness is a beautiful thing.

I also think you have an absolute duty to protect innocent children from a known child molester. Weddings are often big, boisterous events, and if there are lots of children there, they may run around in a pack playing. Their parents may not watch them as carefully as they would at the mall or another public place becuase the environment seems safe. If you found out later than your brother molested a child at your wedding, something that you are not responsible for, but could have prevented, I'm guessing that would be heartbreakingly awful.

If there are going to be children at your wedding, I don't think you should invite your brother.

Bittsey · July 2011

I am in a similar situation with my sister. My mother feels like I should forget about what she has done (and continues to do) and invite her to the wedding and have her be a bridesmaid.

For me the right decision was to tell my mother that I will happily invite her to the ceremony and even seat her in the first or second row - but that I will not have her around alcohol or unattended purses.

My mother disagrees with my decision and hopes that I will change my mind before the wedding, but I know in my heart that this is the decision that will work best for me. I won't have to worry about anything being stolen from my guests and I know that everyone will be safe.

I think that Imeade62 has some great advice - talk to your priest about it. This is definitely an issue that my FI and I plan on discussing during our sessions with him.

Resa77 · July 2011

lmeade62 -- He's never received any treatment or counseling for this that I'm aware of. I don't feel comfortable with him being around children because even after he was confronted after abusing his first victim, and people knew what he'd done, he continued to abuse other children.

Kate --I completely agree that a reception is a place where parents feel safe and therefore won't watch kids closely. If my brother were invited, I would have to exclude all children or I'd feel I was putting them in danger.

Thanks for the support. It helps to have other Catholic women say that it's not "unforgiving" to invite him. I would love to talk to my priest about it. Unfortunately I have been waiting for a month for the church to even confirm my wedding date, let alone assign a priest!

lmeade62 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_family-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:6297681e-7904-43dd-a1cb-e0b4fedfaee0Post:03108e81-5b81-42c8-9250-2151f67e66b1">Re: Family drama...</a>:
[QUOTE]lmeade62 -- He's never received any treatment or counseling for this that I'm aware of. I don't feel comfortable with him being around children because even after he was confronted after abusing his first victim, and people knew what he'd done, he continued to abuse other children.
Posted by Resa77[/QUOTE]

In that case, then I would not recommend that he be there around children. It would be too hard to supervise him, and it may not be in his best interests, either.

You're faced with such a difficult choice...take care of yourself and try to focus on the joy of getting married, but stand your ground and do what YOU think is right. You CAN forgive someone...but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a close relationship with them.

Hugs -

Linda

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