OVERWHELMED by the Attention, UNDERWHELMED by the Ring...

orchid2012 · November 2010

Very honest post...

My boyfriend of 10 years (on and off) just proposed. We met when we were young and had a lot of growing up to do. We've been through a lot together and I truly cannot imagine anyone else in the world I would rather spend my life with.

BUT... Ever since the proposal I have been completely overwhelmed by the attention it brings. I want to enjoy this time because I hope to only do this once. But I've also been a very private person my entire life and it feels SO UNCOMFORTABLE to open up and share such an intimate thing with the world. It's got me so nervous to the point that I feel nauseous or just start crying when I think about it.

HAS ANYONE ELSE FELT THIS WAY?

The second thing is the ring. I don't love the ring, which makes it even harder to tell people because I have to act excited. I want to love it so much, but I don't. It's his grandmother's ring. And although beautiful, its just not me. We looked at a lot of rings beforehand and maybe he was just overwhelmed and decided to go with this one when his mom offered it. It makes me sad because I LOVE jewelry. It is one of my favorite things in the world and I really hoped that he would choose something that was beautiful and affordable, but would also be a perfect match for me. It's even way too big for my finger (like 3+sizes), but we're not sure that it can be resized because of the design. He's very sensitive and I know he would be crushed if I told him that I don't like it.

I'm kinda hoping it can't be resized and I can use that as an excuse to get a new one. I'm also comfortable with forgoing the engagement ring all together and choosing an amazing wedding band.

Any thoughts????

[Deleted User] · November 2010

The ring is sentimental. It's not like he went out and bought a ring you didn't like. I would wear it as a place holder for now, and then when you get your wedding band, make it something you pick together and that you love that doesn't go with your e-ring so you only wear your wedding band.

Erica1011 · November 2010

As for the ring part... Can you use the stone and design your own/new setting around it? My sister did that with my mothers ring. So it could be a combination of his grandmothers ring but also suit your style. You deserve to LOVE your engagement ring!

As for all of the attention... I fall somewhere in the middle. I def do not want all eyes on me all the time but it is nice to see my family and friends get so excited for me when they find out.

Keep in mind: You don't have to tell people all the intimate details. No one is entitled to hear every detail about your engagement and wedding planning. The second I got engaged people started asking " So, when are you getting married??" and I would literally be like "I just got engaged 2 days ago!" I finally started telling people: "We are just enjoying being engaged right now." Now that I started planing people ask lots of questions and I just keep it vague with my answers. I don't want to give away all of my secrets before the big day.

Good Luck with your planning! Remember that people are asking questions (usually) bc they care about you and want to share in this exciting time with you. Be flattered

And take your time, don't stress. Keep us posted on the ring situation! Good luck!!

redheadfsu · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_overwhelmed-attention-underwhelmed-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:a2386da9-aebc-4b71-b68b-544796523577Post:6c26fce5-1d83-4b6f-918b-7572ab8f1110">Re: OVERWHELMED by the Attention, UNDERWHELMED by the Ring...</a>:
[QUOTE]Does just telling people you are engaged make you nauseous and want to cry? Because, and I do not in any way mean this to be rude or cruel, but that is just not normal and it might be worth checking into counseling or therapy if that's the case.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This.

About the ring. It is his grandmother's ring, so wear it. You said he would be hurt if you mentioned that you don't like it. Well, that is all you need to know. Don't mention it. Why hurt your FI? You can always "upgrade" later if he is comfortable with that (before you mention that make sure it wouldn't hurt his feelings). Just wear the ring until you get the wedding ring or upgrade later.

lynnard82 · November 2010

I am right with you regarding being overwhelmed. I'm not comfortable in social situations. I hate birthdays and Christmas because I dont like people staring when opening gifts. I've had a couple panick attacks regarding walking down the isle. I begged my FI to elope but he wouldn't go for it. I don't think it requires therapy I think some people just aren't as comfortable with attention as others.

Good Luck!

artbyallie · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_overwhelmed-attention-underwhelmed-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a2386da9-aebc-4b71-b68b-544796523577Post:affddc34-645b-4e29-a784-fad2f4defde8">Re: OVERWHELMED by the Attention, UNDERWHELMED by the Ring...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am right with you regarding being overwhelmed. I'm not comfortable in social situations. I hate birthdays and Christmas because I dont like people staring when opening gifts. I've had a couple panick attacks regarding walking down the isle. I begged my FI to elope but he wouldn't go for it. I don't think it requires therapy I think some people just aren't as comfortable with attention as others. Good Luck!
Posted by lynnard82[/QUOTE]
It's one thing to be uncomfortable with attention. It's quite another to have panic attacks just thinking about being in front of people. I agree with StageManager, that level of anxiety is something that should be discussed with a therapist.<div>
</div><div>(Psst! Don't be scared of therapy, either. No shame in getting much-needed help.)</div>

Ana_2985 · November 2010

I agree with PPs- you should talk to someone about your anxiety. It's okay and "normal" to feel nervous, but you shouldn't be getting sick over it. If you're not ready for therapy yet, start by talking to someone you trust like your parents, a best friend, or your FI.

About the ring - I think you are in a tough situation. On the one hand, you don't want to hurt your FI's feelings but on the other hand I think (and I'm sure your FI would agree) you should love your ring even though it is just a ring. It's really sweet that he offered you his grandmother's ring, but that doesn't work for everyone and that's okay. If you don't think you'll learn to love it or be comfortable with it you should tell him. I think if you are going to be married, you should be able to have an honest discussion about it. You should be able to tell him that while you appreciate the gesture and sentiment you don't enjoy the actual piece of jewelry. I don't see why he wouldn't be understanding, even if he is a bit disappointed at first.

NatandIsaac · November 2010

Don't wear the ring on your finger if it is really that big. Try to get it re-sized, and if cannot be, then discuss the situation with your FI, but I think it's only a matter of time before you lose a ring that big.

NOLAbridealmost · November 2010

I completely understand how you feel. Starting with the whole attention thing, I absolutely love talking about the engagement with my friends, but I feel sort weird talking about it with my extended family and my parents. I don't know your situation, but I am the oldest grandchild on both sides of my family so I am the first one to get married in this generation so it is all uncharted territory.

Moving onto the ring...I sort of get the feeling that you would feel a lot better about the attention if you weren't trying to mask the disappointment in the ring. That's completely understandable. Who wants to "show off" something that they are not proud of? And with all the people grabbing your hand and wanting to see the ring, of course you're bound to feel less than thrilled.

I would tell your fiance how you feel and get a ring both that you want and that he can afford. Maybe I've just bought in to the billion dollar wedding industry, but I really think that your ring should be something that you're proud to wear. And I honestly think that no matter how much it might hurt your FI to hear that you're not wild about the ring now, I think it would hurt him a lot more if he found out later down the road that you've always hated it.

jerseydevil · November 2010

The ring is sentimental, I would get one of those rubber resizers they sell at jewelery stores so it doesn't slip off my finger, then pick out a wedding band that you do love.

Many do not wear their engagement ring daily after they get married.

PenguinHill · November 2010

If I were you, here's what I'd do. First, tell your fiance you really appreciate that he cares about you enough to give you a family heirloom as an e-ring (because that is really meaningful).

Then tell him as much as you appreciate the lovely gesture, since you went and looked at rings together, you're sure he understands the family ring is not the style you were looking for. I think this is really important to point out. Why take a girl who loves jewelry to look at rings, get her heart set on something, then give her something completely different?

Next, say that you want him to be happy, but you just don't plan on wearing the e-ring longterm. If he knows you just won't wear it, he may be okay with that or he may offer to get you a new ring, either now or down the road. If not, just choose a really great band that you love. Unfortunately I don't think anyone can demand an e-ring, let alone a second one. All you can do is be honest with him, which I think you should be comfortable doing if you're ready to get married.

OVERWHELMED by the Attention, UNDERWHELMED by the Ring...

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