Pre-wedding Parties

No One Has Offered...

We are three months away from the wedding. No one has offered to throw me a wedding shower or bachelorette party. I know I can't plan my own, but is there a way to politely ask someone to throw me a shower or bachelorette party? I don't want to be passive aggressive or annoying. If I don't have a shower or bachelorette party, I won't throw a fit. But I would kind of like one. I am the first in my circle of friends to get married, and many of my friends don't know a lot about weddings. For example, I recently invited my BMs to a little get together (just to hang out as friends) and one of my BMs asked if it was my bachelorette party. I told her very nicely that no, it was not my bachelorette party. I cannot throw myself a bachelorette party. She said, "really?" and then asked how to reach my MOH. Any suggestions? Thank you so much for your help! 

Re: No One Has Offered...

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:f169c22f-45ed-46cb-b448-53723f109e9c">No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are three months away from the wedding. No one has offered to throw me a wedding shower or bachelorette party. I know I can't plan my own, but is there a way to politely ask someone to throw me a shower or bachelorette party? I don't want to be passive aggressive or annoying. If I don't have a shower or bachelorette party, I won't throw a fit. But I would kind of like one. I am the first in my circle of friends to get married, and many of my friends don't know a lot about weddings. For example, I recently invited my BMs to a little get together (just to hang out as friends) and one of my BMs asked if it was my bachelorette party. I told her very nicely that no, it was not my bachelorette party. I cannot throw myself a bachelorette party. She said, "really?" and then asked how to reach my MOH. Any suggestions? Thank you so much for your help! 
    Posted by disturbedkitty[/QUOTE]

    You still have a few months left to go, so there is still time for someone to make these plans.
    And if no one offers, well, that's that. I know it really sucks if no one offers one, but there is no polite way to ask for one.

    Your friends might not know about wedding stuff, but do you have family members that know about this stuff? I'd be surprised if, like, your mom or aunt or something doesn't mention it.

    As for the bachelorette party, don't worry about that. You already did the hint thing so hopefully they'll run with that hint. What sucks is that most of our society's knowledge of these parties comes from Bridezillas where etiquette just doesn't exist in these girls' lives lol. On all those shows the brides pretty much run the show and they aren't supposed to and neither are you.

    If you want a night out with your girls, you can plan one, btw. Just dont' call it a bachelorette party.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:f7c3f9d3-3c5b-42aa-aece-6ed6f5630900">Re: No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to No One Has Offered... : You still have a few months left to go, so there is still time for someone to make these plans. And if no one offers, well, that's that. I know it really sucks if no one offers one, but there is no polite way to ask for one. Your friends might not know about wedding stuff, but do you have family members that know about this stuff?<strong> I'd be surprised if, like, your mom or aunt or something doesn't mention it. </strong>As for the bachelorette party, don't worry about that. You already did the hint thing so hopefully they'll run with that hint. What sucks is that most of our society's knowledge of these parties comes from Bridezillas where etiquette just doesn't exist in these girls' lives lol. On all those shows the brides pretty much run the show and they aren't supposed to and neither are you. If you want a night out with your girls, you can plan one, btw. Just dont' call it a bachelorette party.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I thought my mother wasn't allowed to host my shower? All of my family members are out of town, including my FMIL. Who is supposed to host the shower, anyway?

    </div>
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:9bd0a99b-cbd2-4863-b794-ffe0c5e88a3d">Re: No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No One Has Offered... : I thought my mother wasn't allowed to host my shower? All of my family members are out of town, including my FMIL. Who is supposed to host the shower, anyway?
    Posted by disturbedkitty[/QUOTE]
    Anyone can offer to throw you a shower except your fiance, of course. It doesn't matter if they are out of town, too. It might include some travelling, though.

    It used to be frowned upon if the mother or the future mother-in-law should hosted it, but that was mostly because the daughter would be living at home at the time and it might come across as a plea for gifts for the family, that sort of thing. In my circle, most mothers and even FMIL's co-host them with the MOH.

    But, yeah, anyone can offer. (except the fiance)
    image
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:f7c3f9d3-3c5b-42aa-aece-6ed6f5630900">Re: No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE] If you want a night out with your girls, you can plan one, btw. Just dont' call it a bachelorette party.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    Yes. This. To me one of the main reasons you shouldn't throw your own bachelorette is that people usually expect to cover the bride and it seems sort of cruddy to make people feel obligated (even if you don't mention it some people will still feel obligated) to cover you for an event YOU planned, so they had no say in cost.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:5bcabd2a-166e-447a-9b2f-49dbd53e499a">Re: No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Actually, nobody is "supposed" to host a shower. They're a gift, not a right. If nobody offers, a bride doesn't get one. The "no family-hosted showers" rule is still in effect where I live.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>Sorry about the wording. I know no one "has" to throw the bride anything. I just wanted to know who <em>usually</em> does. Honestly, no one in my family seems to know anything about wedding etiquette. I don't think someone would care if my FMIL threw me a shower. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:ab5c43ee-294e-44cb-bae1-7f5349b8da61">Re: No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No One Has Offered... : Yes. This. To me one of the main reasons you shouldn't throw your own bachelorette is that people usually expect to cover the bride and it seems sort of cruddy to make people feel obligated (even if you don't mention it some people will still feel obligated) to cover you for an event YOU planned, so they had no say in cost.
    Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah. That is why I am hosting a "get together" for my BMs and a bridesmaid luncheon. Just because my BMs don't offer to pay for a party for me does not mean I can't throw parties for them (the get together is for all of us, the luncheon is for them). Still, it is kind of sucky that no one has offered. I think people expect the bride to do everything these days, even when she is not supposed to get involved. Who knows? Maybe I have a surprise party coming my way (I doubt it, but it could happen). Thanks for all of the help :)</div>
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Retread that in my crowd mothers and FMILs don't host showers. 
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm surprised that the whole "family can't host" thing is still in effect in some places lol. Oh well. But, yeah, it sucks if no one offers, but it is what it is. :)
    image
  • SuMmErKuTiESuMmErKuTiE member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:9bd0a99b-cbd2-4863-b794-ffe0c5e88a3d">Re: No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No One Has Offered... : I thought my mother wasn't allowed to host my shower? All of my family members are out of town, including my FMIL. Who is supposed to host the shower, anyway?
    Posted by disturbedkitty[/QUOTE]

    <div>Definitely not true! The last shower I went to was at the bride's mother's house. Also, my shower was planned and paid for by my mom as well. My MOH and BM's helped out a lot, but my mom was the one who booked and paid for the venue, ordered the cake, planned the decorations and the menu, and worked with the BM's on other details. I hadn't lived at home in several years, so it definitely wasn't a plea for gifts for the family. Besides, the gifts at the bridal shower are to help the bride and groom start their new home or upgrade the things they already have for their home. </div>
  • edited December 2011
    In my area, it is pretty common for FMIL's and mothers of the bride to host showers, mainly b/c the bride is no longer living at home, so it's not like the mother is being gift grabby for herself or anything. My FMIL will be throwing my shower along with a future aunt-in-law.
    As for the bachelorette party, if it gets to be about a few weeks before the wedding and no one has given you one, just suggest a girls night out. You would still cover all your own costs (usually at a b-party the bride's costs are covered), but no one is saying you can't host a get together doing things you would have done at a b-party (like going out for dinner, bar hopping, etc.)


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    Vacation
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:2e950f16-69dc-43c6-8955-565a9ecccc01">Re: No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Summertimekutie, that's why the rule was originated....the party is to help the couple set up housekeeping. For the family to host was regarded to mean any or all of these:  (1) the family is unwilling, or unable, to provide for their loved one themselves, and/or: (2) <strong>the bride was so unpopular that nobody else is going to offer.</strong> I don't get bent out of shape about family-hosted showers for other people, but it's still in effect here, and I wouldn't be comfortable with one for myself.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>That's me! lol</div>
  • edited December 2011
    In my opinion, I don't think it really matters who throws the parties.  My FI's aunt is going to host a bridal shower for me, my step mother another, and my MOH will as well.  I didn't ask for them, I didn't help plan, but that is how things have been done in my family.  Most of the weddings I have gone to (which is mostly family) have a family member as the MOH, so for me this is no big deal.  While I am grateful to have so many people willing to host a bridal shower for me, personally I feel that 3 are too many.  I think its all a matter of customs, and personality. 

    I'm sorry that no one has offered this to you, and I understand wanting one.  It almost seems like tradition to have one bridal shower, one bachelorette party and then the wedding.  I had never heard of a bachelorette party until a few years ago.  My FI proposed in front of our family and friends at a BBQ, and immediately my mom, an aunt and my best friend (now my MOH) said they are going to team up and throw a bachelorette party. 

    I think it really just depends on the people that are around you and customs.  But I will say this, a few weeks ago I went to a surprise bridal shower, and I say surprise because the bride had no idea, she thought that she was just going to a friends to hang out, and we were all there waiting for her! :0)  You still have time for something to come up with the parties. 
    Anniversary
  • kmgriffeykmgriffey member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am having the same problem! My MOH has done absolutely nothing for me let alone even offer. One of my bridesmaids asked me what I wanted to do but now doesn't seem very happy to help. It's very depressing.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_one-offered?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:4bf429e7-7a3d-40cd-a23e-2d4915935d79Post:4112a1f5-4303-45d3-8c53-9d76f49b37d3">Re: No One Has Offered...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am having the same problem! My MOH has done absolutely nothing for me let alone even offer. One of my bridesmaids asked me what I wanted to do but now doesn't seem very happy to help. It's very depressing.
    Posted by kmgriffey[/QUOTE]

    <div>UPDATE: My BM did get the hint and she is currently planning my bachelorette with my MOH. I have no idea what they are planning, but I am just so honored that they care enough to throw me one :) My FI told my FSIL that I didn't have a shower planned, and she offered to throw me one. My shower is in a week :)</div><div>
    </div><div>I think that the best way is to wait until someone realizes that no one has offered. </div>
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