Not Engaged Yet

Friends of the Opposite Sex

The post on TN about August 2006 got my thinking about this. My closest friends are definitely girls, but I have a couple of really good friends who are guys. One in particular, who I was really close to in college, and actually was one of those people who I opened up to about things that pretty much no one else knew. People often thought we were an item in college, but we never like that at all.

After we graduated, we stayed pretty close, and since he now lives between my hometown and where I live, I would stop by and grab lunch or dinner with him occasionally on my way from place to place.

Well, BF makes a joke about it, but I can tell that he is a little weirded out by my friendship with this guy. He would never discouage me from talking to him or anything, but I can tell he's just not the biggest fan. I think most of it is because he doesn't know him well (they've met a couple of times, but not one on one, or really sober, for that matter), and he knows that this guy knows a lot about me, and was there for tough parts of my life that BF wasn't (because I didn't know him yet).

It's not really a problem or anything, I just think it's an interesting dynamic.

Do you guys have good friends that are guys? How does your BF feel about it?
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Re: Friends of the Opposite Sex

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I really only have 1 good girl friend. All of my friends are guys. BF is fine with it. It's really obvious that there never has been nor will there ever be something more than just friendship between me and my guy friends.


  • I was raised to believe the opposite sex friendships were inappropriate- so I'm jaded.
     
    I'm not sure how I'd feel about Andrew doing "date like" things with other girls.
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  • I used to have lots of friends that are guys. I still do, but now they are mostly Jeff's friends that are also my friends. One of his friends in particular- we'll talk on the phone together or hang out if Jeff is busy and we're bored.
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friends-of-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c22befff-0f5c-42c0-8d8e-0828c1f8719aPost:a7f3062e-7008-450d-9e65-deee81deeded">Re: Friends of the Opposite Sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]I was raised to believe the opposite sex friendships were inappropriate- so I'm jaded.   I'm not sure how I'd feel about Andrew doing "date like" things with other girls.
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    I'm not ok with BF doing "date like" things with other girls. I don't do "date like" things with my guy friends so I feel it's reasonable to expect the same of him.

    BF does have one girl friend that I have issues with but most of it has to do with her as a person not her being a girl.


  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Well, I have an interesting situation in that my best female friend from childhood now identifies as male and is making the physical transition from female to male via testosterone injections. So I guess my best friend is a dude? I refer to him as a brother and consider him a guy friend now, so yeah.

    Tyler's best friends are chicks. Not wildly fond of his absolute best friend, but that's because our personalities don't jive. If he wants to spend a bunch of time with her, cool. She's not his girlfriend and he straight up refers to her as his sister, so there's no concern.

    Now one of my coworkers who is in a very odd, seemingly abusive relationshop with her husband, he won't let her be around any other men with the exception of her father and brothers. That's just sick. I think that if people can't trust their SOs with members of the opposite sex, the couple needs to sit down and talk about some things, because there is a huge difference between being friends and being SOs.

  • I have several male friends. Guys I've known since high school (and before) and considering that I'm a sneeze away from 30 that's a long time to have sustained some friendships, and particularly difficult through different colleges and the relative life changes that happen throughout your 20s, so I really (REALLY) value those friendships. I would never, could never drop those guys if an SO of mine thought it was inappropriate or wanted me to ditch them. I just wouldn't be right for that particular guy. 

    Luckily BF is fine with my male friends. He's met them and likes them. He has no qualms with me hanging out with them one on one. I will say I don't do "date-like" things with them. I mean, "date-like" is relative. Do we go to mall and grab lunch? Yeah. That could be considered date-like. Do we go to dinner and a movie often? not really. Do we talk on the phone? Absolutely! I dunno, it's so subjective as to what's appropriate and what's not when it comes to everyday activities. 

    BF also has a female friend he calls his sister that he hangs out with and has known for years. I'll admit I would be somewhat uncomfortable if she weren't married, but even if she weren't I wouldn't not let them be friends. She came before me, and though I come first, I see no reason to elbow her out at all. 
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friends-of-opposite-sex?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c22befff-0f5c-42c0-8d8e-0828c1f8719aPost:80220514-48dc-4a94-89f4-33827f522d3c">Re: Friends of the Opposite Sex</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have one good guy friend from college, who Mo knows and likes. He and I don't get together independently now in anything that could be construed as a date-like activity. We've gone to a Red Sox game together, and have occasionally met for lunch during the work week in the city. But normally we get together with our significant others now.  Mo only has one good female friend and she is married to a woman, so I'm unconcerned. I'd have problems if either of us did date-like things with the opposite sex, or <strong>if it was clear that a girl had feelings for Mo and he didnt seem to get it.</strong> I cut out all male friends who I knew were attracted to me once I was serious with Mo. 
    Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

    This is the problem I have with one of BF's girl friends. I know he doesn't have feelings for her but I feel like she is constantly trying to elbow me out or show me how she is closer to BF than I am. It is really frustrating.


  • A great majority of mine are. It caused problems with ExH.  He thought that any guy showing interest in a girl just wants to fvck them, because that's how he was.  

    H doesn't mind that I have guy friends.
    I'm not good at feelings.

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  • I also used to have a lot more guy friends than I do now, and most of the ones I have are mutual friends with my SO.  One of my best friends is a guy who likes other guys, so that poses no real threat.  Also, he and my SO get along.  I have a bit more of a jealous streak than SO does, but I am still fine with him having friends of the opposite sex.  He's never been the type to have close female friends he hangs out with.  If he is out around town with a lady, it's because he is interested in her.  So, if he ever started making plans exclusively with a gal, I might bristle a bit.  But, he hangs out with couples or groups of friends that include women single or not, and that is just fine!
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  • jorja86jorja86 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I guess I should clarify that the grabbing lunch/dinner with my guy friend was mostly before I met BF, not really because I intentionally stopped, but because he moved. I think I probably wouldn't spend a huge amount of one on one time with him now, because I'm not sure how BF would feel about that.

    I think these friendships are important, and BF definitely respects that. He would never expect me to end this friendship or anything, I think it just seems a little odd to him.

    I also have other guy friends that BF really likes, and doesn't really seem weirded out at all by. I think it really is the degree of closeness me and this one guy had back in college that's the difference.
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  • My 2 best BFF's are guys.  We were the 3 amigos before any of us met our spouses.  We have shared some super private things prior to the spouses coming along - anything I would have shared with a girl BFF I most likely shared with them.  One of their wives is my best girl BFF - my buddy chose well and has an awesome wife.  They both do.  None of us ever had any interest in the other as anything but buddies and BFFs.

    We have pretty hard lines in the sand regarding our friendship.  If any spouse were to have an issue with it we would have to adjust so that spouse was comfortable.  A spouse always come first and we would do whatever was needed to do to make the friendship something the spouse was ok with.

    All 3 of our spouses strongly encourage and support our friendship.  The guys never confide marital issues with me and I never confide that in them either.  If I have an issue with DH, he is the one I will talk to.

    There is no way I could ever gain another male BFF like that.  As a married woman I would never get that emotionally intimate with another man.  It would be disrespectful to my DH and I just don't think it would be appropriate.  I have no issue having male friends or DH having female friends as long as it isn't anything emotionally intimate.
  • Most of my friends are guys. With the exception of you ladies. 

    I get along better with guys than girls. I'm more laid back, and not really girly girly. The girls around here just don't seem to get that. I have one or two guy friends that BF isn't so keen on, but he trusts me, and that's the important thing. He knows I would NEVER do anything with anyone else, but that doesn't mean he is thrilled. He has friends that are females, and I don't mind. 

    We don't realy do "date" things. I mean, we do dinner every now and then, but that's about it. We do hookah, dinner, bowling, that sort of thing.
  • One of the best friends I've ever had is a guy. He was there through almost every difficult part of my life, and was amazing throughout it all.

    He had feelings for me for quite a while, and I had some feelings for him as well, but we were never single at the same time so that we could explore our feelings. When we finally were, it didn't get far, and I realized that I just did not really feel THAT way about him. I think he still thought it could work between us, because he seemed upset that I just wanted to stay friends.

    Now, I really could use my friend. When BF and I went through our big upheaval earllier this year, I wanted my friend's shoulder to cry on and ear to listen more than I could say. He just always had good advice for me, and always made me feel better. I told him I wanted to hang out, and he said he would make time, but it just never happened. I haven't seen him in a couple of years, and I miss him a lot.

    Jon would be fine with me hanging out with this kid, I think, but I would want them to get to know each other as well, for many reasons. One being that I would want Jon to feel completely comfortable - another because I think they could be good friends as well. I have no idea if my buddy's current GF would like me, as I have never met her. He tends to keep more of a distance from me when he has a GF and I have a BF, so I have no idea when I will see him next. I miss him though. It certainly is an interesting dynamic.
  • I made it very clear to my bf that I had guy friends when we first started dating. I trust him and he trusts me. Its never really been an issue.
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  • My best friend other that SO is a guy.  He is one of my longest friendships and we open up to each other a lot.  When me and SO started dating he didn't like me friend a lot, but he didn't have a problem with us hanging out.  Fast forward a year later and they are best friends.  Now they go to the same college and room together.  I have "frates" with my friend.  Usually it consists of meeting for lunch or a fast food dinner and/or walking around Chicago (where we all live now).  SO and I trust each other a ton and don't have a problem with close friends of the opposite sex as long as we get to know them. 
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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    I used to have lots of guy friends but I kind of lost most of them about a year before I started dating FI.  I had one close guy friend who when I started dating FI had feelings for me.  He removed himself from the picture though, I still miss him sometimes but I am glad he went rather than cause problems.  Fi doesn't have many close girl friends and I am kind of grateful for that.  He does have some old church girl friends that he sees sometimes and I don't mind.  They are all very sweet and have no interest in him so I am not worried. 

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • The majority of my friends are guys. BF doesn't mind this, because it's always been like that. He doesn't hang out with girls (unless it's in larger groups), and I'd probably have a problem if he did. I guess that's unfair, but he never has and it wouldn't really be okat to me if it just suddenly changed.
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  • I am a little jaded in this category. My ex's "best friend" was a girl, who also happened to be his ex-gf. They hung out by themselves and did date like things. They would tell each other they loved each other. It caused a lot of problems with us. This has really affected my outlook on "best friends" of the opposite sex.

    That being said, I have one good male friend who is a guy. He is also the boyfriend of my best girl friend, we all became friends in high school. I have some friends that are guys, but they are in serious, long term relationships. If any of them were single, I don't think it would be as appropriate and FI would probably be a little uncomfortable with it. Also, they are all just friends, not best friends.
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  • I have a few guy friends but most of them are gay. When I was in HS I had more that I was closer to but we drifted apart when we all went away to college. BF has several close friends who are female so I know that he wouldn't mind me having a close guy friend. It just might be strange to make a new one now that I'm in a serious relationship.
    And if the stormy weather came...I'd just kiss you in the rain... Daisypath Anniversary tickers image
  • edited January 2012
    I have two individuals I refer to as my best friends, one male, and one female. The female is the one I do the "date like" activities with, lol, such as going out to eat, going to a movie, spending time at her house, etc. However, it's my guy friend that I'm the closest with emotionally because there are some things I don't feel comfortable talking to my female BFF about (seeings how I often get an "immature" vibe from her).
  • It seems like a lot of us have guy friends!  I know my BF is fine with most of my guy friends, especially since most (if not all) are either in a committed relationship or also friends with him.  However, there are a few friends that I have distanced from a bit - mostly the ones he feels really uncomfortable about.  I just feel like, if it really makes him uncomfortable and I'm not extremely close to them, sometimes it just works out better.  Of course, it probably helps that the friend I'm thinking about was driving me up the wall.

    As for BF having friends of the opposite sex, I really don't mind it, but I'd prefer to know/meet them.  Otherwise I feel a bit uncomfortable about it.  I expect to give him the same courtesy though.
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