Wedding gift etiquette.. seriously??

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

My cousin is getting married this weekend, and we have to drive 2 hours to go to it, and then are staying over night. My mom called me to give me details about some things, and she reminded me to buy a wedding card. I asked why. She then informed me that just giving a gift for the shower doesn't count. You have to buy a shower gift, and then give money for a wedding gift. I nearly fell on the floor. I asked her how much and she said, if I could do it, between $100-200.

WHAT?

I thought that you either buy a shower gift or you give money! I didn't know you had to do both! I split the cost of her flatware with my mom so I already spent a good buck on her for her shower. Even my FI, who knows nothing about etiquette at all, said he knew that. With all the other weddings going on this summer, I will not have money for my own by the time it rolls around!

Is this really true? Do you really have to give to give, basically, TWO gifts???

saturninus · June 2012

Absolutely.

agladhill · June 2012

Yes, unfortunately. That's why I normally decline invites for showers, so I can "skip" that gift. Weddings are really expensive for pretty much everybody. Just give what you can. Even just a nice card would be appreciated, I'm sure, if you can't afford anything else.

mamameech · June 2012

Yup, that's the way it works. It was one of the reasons I was so floored when people were spending so much on shower gifts - I felt like it was way too much considering they would still be giving a wedding gift. Granted, if people didn't give us a wedding gifts, I wouldn't be upset (FI might be lol).

I've also heard that you "pay your plate" for the wedding. So if you're trying to figure out how much you should spend on the wedding gift, consider how much it cost them to feed you. We tend to stick to that when attending weddings because it gives us guidance but I wouldn't expect it from our guests. I just want them to be there

SCogs18 · June 2012

Agreed, you absolutely get separate gifts,

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

Yes this is how it goes. I agree with mama on the "pay for your plate" logic. However, if you can't afford that, especially since you dropped so much on the shower, just buy/give what you can afford. It is unfortunate but it is how it goes. This is going to sound terrible but I'm stressing about this for my brother's wedding. It is in 6 weeks and I still haven't booked a flight because we can't afford it! It'll cost over $1000 for FI and I to go to his wedding but obviously have to. He'll probably just be getting a potato peeler in all honesty because we are flat broke and still have a wedding to pay for. I feel like that's the reason everyone puts various price points on their registry though!

BMcLeodTeam · June 2012

Yep, they are essentially seperate events. The shower is a 'seperate party' from the wedding. If you decline the shower, one gift, but if you attend both then proper etiquette is to do 2 gifts.

sparent2010 · June 2012

While they are separate events you don't ever HAVE to give a gift. If you can afford to give a gift, great. If not then you don't need to. Is there anything left on her registry that you can afford to give her? If not just you can give a card and/or what cash you can afford.

ETA: It would be weird to attend a shower and not give the bride a gift as the point of the shower is to "shower the bride with gifts."

mspurr · June 2012

I agree with everyone else. Technically, according to Miss Manners, you have until a couple's first anniversary to give them their wedding present. I personally would never do that, but if that gives you time to save some money to give them a gift, that would be an option for you.

Callmefia · June 2012

Whoa, I'm so surprised at everyone's comments. The party line on the etiquette board is that GIFTS ARE NEVER REQUIRED.

If you already spent a nice chunk and thats all you can do, you are absolutely NOT required to bring another gift. It would be nice though.

Most people do gifts for both occassions if they are invited. I just can't always afford gifts for each. I tend to not go to showers because of this.

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

Wow I had no idea. This makes me kinda upset though, because FI was jumping for joy when this topic came up. But... his family is rude, cheap and tacky so I can guaruntee we will not get squat from them. As an example, for his brother's graduation, his parents threw him a "party" at the fire hall (which was free to use) and cooked food. They called that his present. His grandparents gave him $20. His one uncle gave him nothing. So even though we will be polite enough to follow through with this etiquette item, I am sure no one else will do this for us. Don't get me wrong, I am not gift grabby at all, which is why I didn't even know this was a rule, but if this is etiquette, then we are screwed!

*grumbles and goes to look at checking account*

calindi · June 2012

Yep, that's typical. For my friends, I always try to just give what I can afford. I've been to some VERY expensive weddings, one in particular that easily cost at least $2000 per person (not kidding - and it wasn't even a fun wedding!) but we can't always afford to give as a gift what they spend per person. Also, if I'm very close with Friend #1, and they have a backyard barbecue, but not as close with Friend #2 and they have a ritzy black tie gala, I'll probably still give Friend #1 more money.

I try to keep shower gifts around $25-50 myself, since that's my budget right now, and wedding gifts around $100 if I go by myself, $150-200 if my FI accompanies me.

egm900 · June 2012

Gifts are never required, but since the point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts, most people decline or cut back on what they spend on a shower gift depending on what they want to do for the wedding. I don't buy the whole the gift should cover the cost of your plate thing, the reception is the thank you for attending the wedding, so why should anyone buy us a gift to cover that, it would be a thank you for a thank you.

Give what you can afford, if that's only a card, give a card. I tend to spend $30-50 on shower gifts, but I only go to showers of people I'm close to or like a lot. For weddings, I spend anywhere from $50-$250, depending on who it is, how much I had to spend to get there, if both FI and I are friends with the person/couple. If you're concerned about finances, you could wait to send a gift, but I would try to send something within a few weeks, they say you have a year to send a gift, but the latest I send one is a month, otherwise I forget. I think that also made sense when communication wasn't instantaneous and you couldn't go online to send a gift.

mtnbrooke7 · June 2012

Wow, I had no idea about all this etiquette stuff until I started planning my own wedding! The last wedding I went to I must've really messed up! haha I went to her shower and got her a $50 gift and felt like that was pretty pricey (for me...I'm a teacher..haha), so I just assumed that was that! I didn't know I was expected to bring another gift to the wedding! I don't know who comes up with these things, but apparently they make more than I do! I know you can just give whatever you can afford, but honestly, as an almost-bride I would hate for people to skip my shower because they felt like they couldn't afford all the gift etiquette stuff.

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_wedding-gift-etiquette-seriously?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:152d9006-b98c-4c49-a798-e052e70809d8Post:fd42cd76-e2d7-4b85-977a-066f55b0a334">Re: Wedding gift etiquette.. seriously??</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I had no idea about all this etiquette stuff until I started planning my own wedding! The last wedding I went to I must've really messed up! haha I went to her shower and got her a $50 gift and felt like that was pretty pricey (for me...I'm a teacher..haha), so I just assumed that was that! I didn't know I was expected to bring another gift to the wedding! I don't know who comes up with these things, but apparently they make more than I do! I know you can just give whatever you can afford, <strong>but honestly, as an almost-bride I would hate for people to skip my shower because they felt like they couldn't afford all the gift etiquette stuff.
</strong>Posted by mtnbrooke7[/QUOTE]

Seriously. I would rather people either give money at the wedding, or if you are at the shower, get something off the registry and thats that. There is no need to do both, IMO. But if that's how it is, thats how it is.

QueerFemme · June 2012

I tend to get something small for showers. In the $20.00 range. For the weddings, I try to stay between $50-150.00. But, we are a non-gift giving crew. All of my friends are pretty broke, and tend to just give cards for birthdays and buy us a cocktail, or maybe take us out to dinner. A few friends have offered dog sitting or other services for big days. I'd much rather have someone stay at my house for a long weekend and watch my dogs so I can go out of town, than get me a piece of china.

meagandal · June 2012

Well obviously yes, gifts aren't required but for me and my family and the way I was raised/experiences I've had etc...

I usually go about $50-$75 shower gift and I almost always give money at the wedding, there have been a few instances were something that was the perfect gift presents itself and I'll bring a physical gift at the wedding too. But generally speaking gift to shower check to reception-I like the cover your meal rule personally but then again covering you meal can be out weighed by travel and lodging expenses.

This usually tends to also work it self out based on your family and the circles you run in. Today I always give $100 at a wedding then bump it up accordingly to how close we are. When I was younger and had several friends marry young- it was mostly low-key back yard or fire hall weddings and in those days I was hard pressed to give my $30 gift but that tends to be more expected of people and by people who have those "style" of weddings right? No judgement just if you were raised that that's how you celebrate then no one expects country clubs and china and in turn the couple doesn't expect lavish gifts . If you grew up more wealthy or even just raised to be more formal then chances are you will have a more lavish wedding and your family and people attending it will give more extravagant gifts. Nothing wrong with either and that's why its hard to apply one rule to an event that can span so many income and taste levels

cronin85 · June 2012

Yes, you should typically give enough to "cover your plate"

jjswin · June 2012

Where is the wedding you are going to? This has a lot of input on what you should give, such as price per plate and such.

dawnie204 · June 2012

FI's family is well aware of the give a gift at the shower and at the wedding "rule". I had no idea! My family is not aware of this either. We already had our shower, and we got some really nice gifts. I don't expect anyone who got us something at the shower to also get us something for the wedding, but according to FI, his family will do this.

Regardless, I think you should just give what you are comfortable giving. Your budget needs to be taken into consideration. Don't worry about what other people's standards are.

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_wedding-gift-etiquette-seriously?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:152d9006-b98c-4c49-a798-e052e70809d8Post:6a46b248-e264-4eac-bc91-e048856f234a">Re: Wedding gift etiquette.. seriously??</a>:
[QUOTE]Where is the wedding you are going to? This has a lot of input on what you should give, such as price per plate and such.
Posted by jjswin[/QUOTE]

Syracuse, but I guess its a classier, fancy wedding so I probably should give quite a bit. I'm screwed by the "pay your plate" rule because our reception is less than $50 a plate. Much less.

jjswin · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_wedding-gift-etiquette-seriously?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:152d9006-b98c-4c49-a798-e052e70809d8Post:8f0b165a-82a8-4fc8-9fc0-9cc1092ae646">Re: Wedding gift etiquette.. seriously??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding gift etiquette.. seriously?? : Syracuse, but I guess its a classier, fancy wedding so I probably should give quite a bit. I'm screwed by the "pay your plate" rule because our reception is less than $50 a plate. Much less.
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

Can't say I know what the Syracuse "rule" is but I know where I am on Long Island, it is between $250 - $400 a couple. I just think it's wrong that some brides pick all this crazy stuff and expect their guests to "pay" for their plates. If that was the deal why call it a gift just call it a dinner check, sorry for the vent it's just annoying to me.

Callmefia · June 2012

Pay for your plate is NOT etiquette, and just plain old strange considering:

1) Why should I gift friend A $100 per person if she decided on a big fancy reception, and only give friend B $25 per person because she had a backyard BBQ? Not cool.
2) How are you supposed to know what "your plate" costs?
3) what about booze? Is it a consumption bar, or per person or what? I mean, my coworker's bar was like $25 per person, and I only drank 2 cokes and one rum & coke. That is really a lot less than $25 at a bar around here... so do I have to pay up?

See what I mean? Its just not really worth thinking about it that way.

You just give what you can afford.

And saying that you are "Screwed" by this rule sounds really bratty! I don't expect gifts. We are inviting our friends and family to celebrate, not to pay for the dang wedding.

jessa1228 · June 2012

Yeah, the "pay your plate" thing is ridiculous to me. I do it by how close I am to the bride/groom and what's in my budget. I would definitely spend more on my best friend or my brother than I would a distant cousin.

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_wedding-gift-etiquette-seriously?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:152d9006-b98c-4c49-a798-e052e70809d8Post:de994eb0-bb9c-451d-b0f5-f890a795c8cd">Re: Wedding gift etiquette.. seriously??</a>:
[QUOTE]Pay for your plate is NOT etiquette, and just plain old strange considering: 1) Why should I gift friend A $100 per person if she decided on a big fancy reception, and only give friend B $25 per person because she had a backyard BBQ? Not cool. 2) How are you supposed to know what "your plate" costs? 3) what about booze? Is it a consumption bar, or per person or what? I mean, my coworker's bar was like $25 per person, and I only drank 2 cokes and one rum & coke. That is really a lot less than $25 at a bar around here... so do I have to pay up? See what I mean? Its just not really worth thinking about it that way. You just give what you can afford. <strong>And saying that you are "Screwed" by this rule sounds really bratty! </strong>I don't expect gifts. We are inviting our friends and family to celebrate, not to pay for the dang wedding.
Posted by Callmefia[/QUOTE]

Oh good lord, it was more of sarcasm than anything. I said in a previous response that I CLEARLY DO NOT EXPECT GIFTS since I didn't even know this rule existed. How am I bratty when I am the one thinking this whole time that you only give one type of gift?

I agree with your #2 though, which is why I am still confused. If you supposedly are supposed to pay your plate, how the heck do you know? Oh whatever, I'll just give my cousin some amount and say that's that.

QueerFemme · June 2012

totally just give what you are able to give. Even if that means, you just give a card with a heartfelt note. Most of my friends are broke broke broke. I fully expect to get a lot of hugs, cards, and maybe some cards with a very small amount in them. I will be thrilled to have them there. I think the pay for your plate rule is outdated and bogus.

You got her a generous shower gift. Don't feel bad about just bringing a card or a card with a couple bucks in it.

kitkat887 · June 2012

I believe that gifts are never required, but I always give a shower gift and a wedding card with some money. I don't go by the cost of the plate, because that varies so widely, plus it might be out of my budget. I give what I can afford and according to how close I am to the person. I would give more to my brother, for example, than I would to a coworker or something. When one of my best friends got married, I was completely broke at the time, so I got them a really pretty frame (on clearance, but no one needs to know that) and got her a custom photo mat with their first song lyrics calligraphed on there and put it together so they can put one of their wedding photos in it and it was maybe $20 total? But it was her favorite gift and she freaked out when she opened it. Your mileage may vary.

wcasar · June 2012

If I attend a shower, I bring a gift. If I don't attend, I don't bring a gift. It depends on how close I am to them and how I like the stuff on the registry to determine how much I spend. Typically between $25-$40.

Then I also bring a gift for the wedding. I try to bring a little bigger gift to the wedding, but that doesn't always happen. For the most part, I don't even think about the per plate cost.

But every person is different, so go with what you think is best for your situation.

Wedding gift etiquette.. seriously??

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