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Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?

barbiegirl25barbiegirl25 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I just found out my younger sister, who I am very close to, has already been asked by not one, but TWO other brides to be their MOHs. I don't have a ring yet and have been waiting for that before officially starting to plan so I haven't asked my sister yet. I can't help but feel kind of jealous and slighted. I wanted her to be giddy and excited to be asked, but I'll literally be the 3rd person in 2 months to ask her! Plus isn't planning for 3 separate weddings for 3 separate brides a lot to handle?
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Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?

  • M&R7111M&R7111
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think she would be thrilled to be your MOH - just as she would be for her two friends.

    As for "planning" weddings, the MOH doesn't do that, the bride and groom do.  I wouldn't expect her to do anything for your wedding.  Keep in mind she might not be able to plan showers and other pre-wedding parties but that doesn't have to be the MOH's responsibility either.  Anyone can host those events for you.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your sister, despite being a MOH in two weddings, is not required in any way, shape or form to help the bride plan her wedding. Now, she certainely can if she wants, but all she is required to do is get the dress, put it on & show up. Period.
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  • barbiegirl25barbiegirl25 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay, sorry about the use of the word plan. But in my opinion, a good MOH does get involved in a lot of the fun parts of planning. Helping with picking the dresses, touring venues, trying food, making favors and centerpieces, hosting parties if they wish, all with their best friend or sister? And my sister will be very involved in all 3 weddings because she loves that stuff. I just was uncomfortable with being 3rd fiddle to other girls who don't know or love my sister as well as I do. Regardless, we just talked about it and it's not that big of a deal, I suppose.
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  • SaraAndrew2010SaraAndrew2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sure your sister will be excited to be your MOH.  I think it's silly and petty to be jealous.  It will be fine.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:e1b5919d-6cb7-41b6-926e-e80207d12fe1">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay, sorry about the use of the word plan. But in my opinion, a good MOH does get involved in a lot of the fun parts of planning.

    Helping with picking the dresses,<strong>NOT REQUIRED</strong>
     touring venues,<strong>NOT REQUIRED</strong>
     trying food, <strong>NOT REQUIRED</strong>
    making favors and centerpieces, <strong>NOT AT ALL, AT ALL, AT ALL REQUIRED</strong>
    hosting parties if they wish,<strong> NOT REQUIRED</strong>

     all with their best friend or sister? And my sister will be very involved in all 3 weddings because she loves that stuff. I just was uncomfortable with being 3rd fiddle to other girls who don't know or love my sister as well as I do. Regardless, we just talked about it and it's not that big of a deal, I suppose.
    Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

    No you shouldn't be this jealous.  You're not engaged yet, but other women can't ask your sister to be their MOH because she SOMEDAY will be yours?  Really?  You simply cannot ask people to put all of THEIR plans on hold for something that you **might** do someday.

    Please don't say this out loud to anyone else, because it makes you sound like one of those women on bridezillas.

    It's (someday) going to be your wedding, and it will be among the most important things on your horizon at that time.  For everyone else, including your sister, it will rank in at about #268 on their list of important things on their horizon.

    Practice saying it with me now, so that you've internalized by the time you do get engaged:  "NO one will care about my wedding as much as I do.  I cannot expect people to change their lives and plans to revolve around mine."
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No, you should not be this jealous.  You've been given a lot of good advice.  You should take it.  I got married at 22 in Illinois.  My 18 year old sister, who was away at college in Colorado was my MOH.  She did not one thing...except show up at the wedding and stand with me.  My mother and I planned, another bridesmaid threw a shower for me and I did not have a bachelorette...they weren't the norm in those days.  My sister sent her measurements and wore the dress that I picked out.  She is still my sister, celebrated joyfully and is still one of my closest friends.  Twelve years later she got married in California while I lived in Ohio.  Same deal.

    Find something else to worry about and love your sister.  That is what is important.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:a935b822-f8f4-4ba7-ba64-548e4fd5c4de">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do? : No you shouldn't be this jealous.  You're not engaged yet, but other women can't ask your sister to be their MOH because she SOMEDAY will be yours?  Really?  You simply cannot ask people to put all of THEIR plans on hold for something that you **might** do someday. Please don't say this out loud to anyone else, because it makes you sound like one of those women on bridezillas. It's (someday) going to be your wedding, and it will be among the most important things on your horizon at that time.  For everyone else, including your sister, it will rank in at about #268 on their list of important things on their horizon. Practice saying it with me now, so that you've internalized by the time you do get engaged:  "NO one will care about my wedding as much as I do.  I cannot expect people to change their lives and plans to revolve around mine."
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]<div>Co-signed,</div><div>jagore08

    </div>
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yup, trix and Muffin's Mom are very wise, you should listen to them.
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  • barbiegirl25barbiegirl25 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am engaged, we have a date and our parents' blessings. Every one of you would feel a twinge of jealousy if your special MOH was also MOH at two other weddings. I'm not asking anyone to change anything or do anything, I'm just disappointed that what will be new for me won't be new for her.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:f574124b-4f8c-45ed-a6a8-56f2964120c7">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am engaged, we have a date and our parents' blessings. Every one of you would feel a twinge of jealousy if your special MOH was also MOH at two other weddings. I'm not asking anyone to change anything or do anything, I'm just disappointed that what will be new for me won't be new for her. It makes it a little less special.
    Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

    Just because she won't be her first time being MOH doesn't mean it will be less special. Unless I'm mistaken the other 2 Brides are friends, and you are her sister so of course there will be an individual special meaning for a sister. Plus you should be happy she is getting a chance to be a MOH twice, it just gives her more ideas for you. I'm sure her friends will probably share their wedding experiences and drama and she can give suggestions to you to help make your planning easier. You are dwelling on the negative that "this won't be her first time" sentiment, instead you just be happy that she will have experience on things you might not have thought of. Every wedding I have been in has been a great learning experience from to dos and donts and what is and is not worth being stressed over.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:f574124b-4f8c-45ed-a6a8-56f2964120c7">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am engaged, we have a date and our parents' blessings. <strong>Every one of you would feel a twinge of jealousy if your special MOH was also MOH at two other weddings. </strong>I'm not asking anyone to change anything or do anything, I'm just disappointed that what will be new for me won't be new for her.
    Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

    No, no I wouldn't.  My sister was my MOH.  She was also MOH for other people.  It never occurred to me to be jealous.  Because you see,  while she was the MOH for other people, there was only one time she was MOH for her sister. 

    You really need to get over this.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:f574124b-4f8c-45ed-a6a8-56f2964120c7">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am engaged, we have a date and our parents' blessings. Every one of you would feel a twinge of jealousy if your special MOH was also MOH at two other weddings. I'm not asking anyone to change anything or do anything, I'm just disappointed that what will be new for me won't be new for her.
    Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

    If you're engaged, even without a ring, you're officially engaged. You could have asked your sister. Waiting for a piece of jewelry to ask her is just silly.

    Your opinion of what an MOH is responsible for/should help with is wrong. None of the things you listed are required of an MOH or BM. You are not entitled to any showers/B-parties. If your BP offers to plan one great, but they don't have to. You and your FI are responsible for finding a venue, picking the food, tying little ribbons on bows, etc.

    Put down the wedding magazines, turn off the wedding shows, and use common sense. Do you want to spend your time stuffing invitations or tying tags on favors? I certainly don't. If I wanted to I would certainly offer, but it shouldn't be expected.
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  • pretzelgrrlpretzelgrrl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think I understand where you are coming from...you were hoping for a special sister moment where you show her she is very important to you and now that 2 people have asked her in the past 2 monthes you are worried it will/has lessened it.  But don't worry that it is not new for her...it will still be just as special.  My MOH as been a MOH twice or three times before but she is still excited about my wedding and always asking questions about details such as dresses, parties, etc.  She does not seem jaded :) 
        And like you said it might mean more on her plate if she wants it (since we all know she is not obligated to do stuff but might offer) but I'm sure she will be able to manage her time and only do what she can.  What you can do about that is telling her to be honest about what she wants to do and that you don't want her taking more on then she can handle :) 
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:f574124b-4f8c-45ed-a6a8-56f2964120c7">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am engaged, we have a date and our parents' blessings. <strong>Every one of you would feel a twinge of jealousy if your special MOH was also MOH at two other weddings.</strong> I'm not asking anyone to change anything or do anything, I'm just disappointed that what will be new for me won't be new for her.
    Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]
    I wouldn't either.  Lots of women serve as MOH/BM multiple times in their lives, and I'm sure they feel it's special every time.  It's rather self-centered to think that she can't also be close with other people just because you want her as your MOH.

    Lesson 1: The world isn't going to stop for your wedding.  That includes other people planning weddings while you're planning yours.  You get one day, not months and months on end.  One day when the focus is on you and your FI.  That's it.

    Lesson 2: You should really come back to reality about what planning a wedding is.  It's not a magical enchanted time when singing animated creatures will assist you with tying a bunch of little favor bows.  It's just a party. Most of the details very boring for about 98% of the population.  Why do you think wedding planners exist?  So brides who don't care about any of it can hire someone to do it for them.

    Lesson 3: Be a friend/sister first, and The Bride second, and you'll magically see any potential drama just disappear.  A ring (or a mutual agreement to get married, which is all an engagement really needs) does not give you the right to treat people poorly. 
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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  • barbiegirl25barbiegirl25 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know you guys are right. Thanks for the reality check. Sister told me my wedding will be the most special to her which makes me happy. I really do wish singing animated creatures would help me with my favors, though...
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  • barbiegirl25barbiegirl25 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Also, thanks Pretzel for the vote of understanding! Sometimes thats all it takes to let a selfish problem go :)
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:81a34a89-5913-41f7-8927-9eaa73e0e0a7">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know you guys are right. Thanks for the reality check. Sister told me my wedding will be the most special to her which makes me happy. <strong>I really do wish singing animated creatures would help me with my favors, though...</strong>
    Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]
    Haha, I think we all do.  I skipped favors but handmade over 100 paper roses, and I would have definitely been warbling at my window at some point in the eight months it took me if I thought it would summon some singing mice to help me paint and cut and glue and assemble them...

    My MOH and the groomswoman both offered to help with that process toward the end, but the other four girls in the wedding didn't.  It was all good, I appreciated the offer when I could get it.  My engagement was just shy of two years, and I can tell you that other people will get interested as it gets closer.  When it's more than about six months out, it's just an abstract for everyone but you.  That's natural, it's not a judgment on you or anything.

    And while these boards can't help with the physical labor, they're really fantastic for helping you figure out all the little details so you don't drive your friends nuts with them.  ;)
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:81a34a89-5913-41f7-8927-9eaa73e0e0a7">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know you guys are right. Thanks for the reality check. Sister told me my wedding will be the most special to her which makes me happy. I really do wish singing animated creatures would help me with my favors, though...
    Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

    **applause**.  You've just raised about eleventy notches in my estimation for accepting the "tough love" reality check.  Stick around~you'll do just fine.

    Now....singing animated creatures who live to help:  anyone else picturing Dobby right now?  =)

    Welcome to the boards. 
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • ckonidakckonidak member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Bravo OP. I think the PP's gave you great advice, and you graciously listened. Not very easy to do sometimes. :-) And LOVE the idea of having a Dobby to assist with planning, etc.   (Too bad thinking of his character makes me cry tho!)
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:f574124b-4f8c-45ed-a6a8-56f2964120c7">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am engaged, we have a date and our parents' blessings. Every one of you would feel a twinge of jealousy if your special MOH was also MOH at two other weddings. I'm not asking anyone to change anything or do anything, I'm just disappointed that what will be new for me won't be new for her.
    Posted by barbiegirl25[/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't care if my sister was in 1 or 100 weddings before mine.

    If you're feeling the teensiest bit of jealousy over something as minor as this, you really need to re-evaluate your priorities.
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I just saw the rest of the replies, and good for you for listening to the PPs advice and taking it to heart :-)
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  • garcias1garcias1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yay OP!  She's your sister, so it will certainly be a special occasion.  I had the opposite problem in that I thought my sister would really not care about wedding planning.  She's 6 years younger than me and doesn't know anyone her age who is getting married.  She always says she doesn't think she wants to get married.  But she is super excited for my wedding and even wanted to go dress shopping with me.  I wasn't even going to ask her if she wanted to come because I didn't think she would want to watch me try on eleventy billion dresses.  I think most sisters will be excited for weddings no matter what the circumstances.
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  • joiner521joiner521
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Be patient, your time will come. Stop living through her.  If you are really that close, I would talk to her about it.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-this-jealous-ventwhat-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ade6094c-6840-47d6-b1c0-5e43a5f25ceePost:665ff794-7085-4a84-94bc-7ad594ed1a1a">Re: Should I be this jealous? Vent/what would you do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Be patient, your time will come. Stop living through her.  If you are really that close, I would talk to her about it.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

    joiner:  may I suggest that you read through a thread before posting?  Barbie came back several days ago to agree that she had over-reacted, and thanked people for the reality check~which you would have known if you had read the thread.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • slave4danceslave4dance
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think jealous is the word you should use...but rather "anxious". I don't think you should be either jealous or anxious. Even though she has already been asked twice, those are her friends. You are her SISTER and i truely feel that she will be just as excited, if not MORE to be your MOH when the right time comes. I have never personally been in anyone's wedding but on experience with my other friends who have, they were just as excited to be asked a second time to be in the WP as the first :)
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