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Not Engaged Yet

Is this OK?

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. He is turning 30 this September and I am 26.  We've lived together for the past 3 years.  I have been ready to be married for a while now and it is something that we talk about a lot. As well as the "When we have kids" scenarios etc.  I know it is something that he does want, he just hasn't bought me a ring yet.  His whole family and my whole family keep asking when we are going to get married and even his married friend has been asking him whats up.

Recently I said to him "Let's just get married next year when [his friend] get's back from deployment" and at first he kept saying "We'll see next year" so I let it go for a little while and then I brought it up again and said "If we are going to get married next year we have to start planning" and I said I wanted to have a Christmas wedding and he said no Christmas isn't a good time, then I said August he said no too hot, then I said "How about July 23rd 2011" and he said "That seems like as good a date as any" and then I started asking him what colors he would want to use he said "anything but orange"

So to me it sounds like he is on board with this but to get to the point of my story is it weird for us to basically become "engaged" like this and not with a ring and a proposal and all that? I am planning to wait until we tell my grandfather we picked a date until I make it public because after that I would consider it official.

Re: Is this OK?

  • tafft1tafft1 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    He sounds very hesitant and the excuses are a sign of that. He may not realy be ready. I do not see yourself as engaged in any way shape or form. Picking out colors and even a date dosen't have anything to do with the commitment between two people. He dosen't sound on board to me , just dosen't seem interested or maybe not ready. How in depth have you discussed marriage - future goals , wants and needs you both have ? Started dating him when you were 16 since you have been dating 10 years..that kind of raises some concern with me but that's another issue.

    You  need to sit down and have a serious talk with him , the only one who can give you the answers you are looking for. Talking , asking questions and not accusing him are key. For those that keep asking - its none of their business and pointing those comments out will not be benefcial at all.
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  • edited December 2011
    You don't need a ring to be engaged... or a proposal.  Although those are the usual things, I don't think it's necessary completely.  To me though, I love rings and being FI and I are pretty traditional, he did all of those traditional things.  Sounds like after dating 10 years you feel very ready to get married.
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
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  • edited December 2011
    i however agree with tafft about how although you seem ready, maybe he isn't since he keeps saying 'maybe next year'.
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think that if you need to ask strangers if it's ok, it's probably NOT okay.

    It doesn't sound like your BF is 100% into it.  Marriage is definitely not something you want to go into half-heartedly.  You need to have a serious talk with him.

    Instead of coming up with different suggestions (How about this date?  Or this color?) ask him to explain to you what he would like.   Then you can start working on a timeline you both feel completely comfortable with.
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  • edited December 2011
    He seems hesitant.  I think that you need to sit down and have a serious talk about when you both see this happening.  I do not think that you can consider yourself engaged or free to start planning until you have mutually agreed on some things... here are a couple scenarios for ya...


    Typical proposal he asks and you accept... obviously on same page.  Start talking timeline... bam!

    Have discussion and decide you want to get married next year, or whenever he is comfrotable with.  Discuss if you are engaged now because you don't need a ring to be engaged.  If he says yes, we don't need a ring or lets go get one congrats.  If he says no I want to get you a ring and propose then you wait PATIENTLY until he does that. 

    When you are both on board with getting married and some sort of timeline you can plan.

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  • edited December 2011
    Based on what you've written it sounds like he's not ready to be married yet. He's probably feeling pretty uncomfortable with all the questions you're asking about the wedding and giving you enough of an answer to get you to shut up about it.

    Instead of asking about the wedding what you should be doing is talking to him about a timeline and about kids, finances, life goals, etc.

    The wedding is not all that important but the marriage that results from it is
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you need to sit down and have a frank discussion. He doesn't seem opposed to marriage, but he certainly doesn't seem to be as interested as you. You do NOT need a fancy proposal or ring to be engaged, but you DO need to be on the same page.
  • edited December 2011
    I am very traditional, and would not feel "engaged" until there was an explicit proposal and a ring. That being said, those are just my feelings and does not mean that a couple can't be engaged without that. However, I think you and your BF need to sit down and have a serious talk about what it is you're doing. Picking colors and a date (and his reaction to the July date does not make him seem like he's really on board - he's probably worn down by the questions and just gave in. And besides, a late July date can be just as "hot" as a date in August...) Are you guys financially ready for a wedding? What do each of you want from your prospective marriage? What are your plans for the future? That needs to be discussed before any conversations about colors can take place.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:2cc49121-4289-4f48-9d60-9b38383d257c">Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. He is turning 30 this September and I am 26.  We've lived together for the past 3 years.  I have been ready to be married for a while now and it is something that we talk about a lot. As well as the "When we have kids" scenarios etc.  I know it is something that he does want, he just hasn't bought me a ring yet.  His whole family and my whole family keep asking when we are going to get married and even his married friend has been asking him whats up. Recently I said to him "Let's just get married next year when [his friend] get's back from deployment" and at first he kept saying <strong>"We'll see next year"</strong> so I let it go for a little while and then I brought it up again and said "If we are going to get married next year we have to start planning" and I said I wanted to have a Christmas wedding and he said <strong>no Christmas isn't a good time</strong>, then I said August he said <strong>no too hot,</strong> then I said "How about July 23rd 2011" and he said <strong>"That seems like as good a date as any</strong>" and then I started asking him what colors he would want to use he said <strong>"anything but orange"</strong> <em>So to me it sounds like he is on board</em> with this but to get to the point of my story is it weird for us to basically become "engaged" like this and not with a ring and a proposal and all that? I am planning to wait until we tell my grandfather we picked a date until I make it public because after that I would consider it official.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]


    I disagree- I don't think he is on board and don't think he's ready. You shouldn't be pressuring him by asking him what date is good for him and what colors he wants. I agree with all PP's in that, you guys need to have a discussion. Not a "when are we getting engaged" but where do you see us in x amount of years, etc. type thing.

    There are very few senarios that I would say are acceptable to start planning without a ring/proposal and this is NOT one of them. Talk to him and if he gives you half hearted answers like he has been then I would stop with the wedding talk until he's ready to bring it up himself.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:83ec04c1-1d7a-48ec-8c3e-1b0fa392126f">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Is this OK? : I disagree- I don't think he is on board and don't think he's ready. You shouldn't be pressuring him by asking him what date is good for him and what colors he wants. I agree with all PP's in that, you guys need to have a discussion. Not a "when are we getting engaged" but where do you see us in x amount of years, etc. type thing.

    <strong>There are very few senarios that I would say are acceptable to start planning without a ring/proposal and this is NOT one of them. Talk to him and if he gives you half hearted answers like he has been then I would stop with the wedding talk until he's ready to bring it up himself.</strong>
    Posted by ekathleen684[/QUOTE]


    Yes, that!
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  • socksgirl1784socksgirl1784 member
    Sixth Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Financially we don't have to worry about the wedding because my grandfather has already said he would pay for the whole thing.
    As far as plans for the future we both want children and pretty much want to stay right where we are because we want to be close to our families.

    As far as everyone saying that he's not ready aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage? And since he's been resisting for so long he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it. Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek.

    Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
  • edited December 2011
    A ring and an elaborate proposal are not necessary.   BUT (and this is a big but), it doesn't sound like he's really ready.  It sounds like he agreed with you just to get you to stop nagging him.  Stop asking him if a certain date is okay or what colors he likes, and start asking him what HE sees as a good timeline.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:353f2831-8882-4b6d-bdb2-3b00c62a2e23">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Financially we don't have to worry about the wedding because my grandfather has already said he would pay for the whole thing.

    As far as plans for the future we both want children and pretty much want to stay right where we are because we want to be close to our families.

    <strong>As far as everyone saying that he's not ready aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage?</strong> And since he's been resisting for so long he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it. Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek.

    Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]

    Um, not only no.  But F*CK NO!  Are you serious? 

    He is resisting because HE is not ready.  Being ready for MARRIAGE has nothing to do with being romantic.  Being ready for MARRIAGE has nothing to do with the wedding.

    You need to realize that trying to manipulate him into planning a wedding will only do you more harm than good.  And what you are doing IS manipulation.  Sit down and have a serious conversation with him.  Let him know that you want to get married (without being demanding or setting any ultimatums.)  Listen to his wants and needs in regards to getting married.  Find out where he sees himself in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc.  Discuss where both of you see your lives going. 

    This is not a conversation meant to be had in passing.  It is all about communicating your wants and needs, while listening to his.  You need to respect that fact that he may not be ready yet.  Nothing will come out of you pressuring him into a wedding on a certain date and trying to chose colors on the sly. 
  • tafft1tafft1 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:353f2831-8882-4b6d-bdb2-3b00c62a2e23">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Financially we don't have to worry about the wedding because my grandfather has already said he would pay for the whole thing.</strong> As far as plans for the future we both want children and pretty much want to stay right where we are because we want to be close to our families. <strong>As far as everyone saying that he's not ready aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage?</strong> And since he's been <strong>resisting for so long</strong> he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it. Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek. Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]

    Okay first of all - DO NOT ASSUME. Even if said person said they will pay for everyhting , everything is ALOT. Personally I would not allow anyone to pay for it all , help if they wish , sure , but seriously do not count on this.

    Not all men are against marriage or even fought it , ever. FI has told me , as has his fmaily he wanted to be married and settled down from a younger age ( early/moid 20's) , and I am the same way. That socially trained bs is just that - bs.
     The only person that can decide what they want is themselves , outside influences can persuade , yes , but ultimately it is their choice.

    If he has been resisting so long..well then he obviously is not ready. Marriage is a  lifetime commitment between two people that share the same desires and goals, not something you can or should have to convince someone to be on board with and not just an excuse to have a big party. I would sit down and talk to him one on one - ask what HIS timeline looks like , and explain and discuss where you see you and him as well.

    You have alot to work through together before anything else should be discussed.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:353f2831-8882-4b6d-bdb2-3b00c62a2e23">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Financially we don't have to worry about the wedding because my grandfather has already said he would pay for the whole thing. As far as plans for the future we both want children and pretty much want to stay right where we are because we want to be close to our families. <strong>As far as everyone saying that he's not ready aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage?</strong> And since he's been resisting for so long he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it. Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek. Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]

    This is BS.  My FI may not be into details of weddings like colors or invitations, but he is damn excited to marry me.  He proposed without a ring because he just couldn't wait any longer to ask me.  THAT is the kind of excitement you need from the person you are marrying. 

    Wearing a guy down until they say "that's sounds as good as anything", is not a good indicator of future marital success, IMO.
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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:353f2831-8882-4b6d-bdb2-3b00c62a2e23">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Financially we don't have to worry about the wedding because my grandfather has already said he would pay for the whole thing. As far as plans for the future we both want children and pretty much want to stay right where we are because we want to be close to our families. As far as everyone saying that he's not ready <strong>aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage? And since he's been resisting for so long he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it.</strong> Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek. Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]

    When a man (or woman) is really ready to get married he will not care what society (ie. his buddies) think.  IMO, resisting marriage b/c guys aren't supposed to want to get married means he is not ready to get married and/or is immature.

    My FI will be the first of his good friends to get married.  A lot of people tease him that he is too young (we're 25) but he doesn't care.  He's happy, he's ready, and he's excited about it.  And we make all of our plans together.
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  • MidniteRaeMidniteRae member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Why is August too hot but July/the end of July isn't?
    "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." -Ray Bradbury 
  • edited December 2011
    Also, you saying that "he's been resisting so long" makes me think that perhaps you've been nagging him.  If so, STOP.  Then have the type of conversation that Mutley was talking about. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:353f2831-8882-4b6d-bdb2-3b00c62a2e23">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Financially we don't have to worry about the wedding because my grandfather has already said he would pay for the whole thing. As far as plans for the future we both want children and pretty much want to stay right where we are because we want to be close to our families. <strong>As far as everyone saying that he's not ready aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage?</strong> And since he's been resisting for so long he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it. Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek. Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]

    Only in sitcoms and romantic comedies (and even then, by the end the men are "magically" ready for marriage). Contrary to popular belief, a lot of men DO want to get married.  My BF has told me that his main goal in life is to be settled with a family. Maybe your BF wants to get married, but it sure doesn't sound like he wants to get married NOW.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:353f2831-8882-4b6d-bdb2-3b00c62a2e23">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Financially we don't have to worry about the wedding because my grandfather has already said he would pay for the whole thing</strong>. As far as plans for the future we both want children and pretty much want to stay right where we are because we want to be close to our families.

    <strong>As far as everyone saying that he's not ready aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage?</strong> And since he's been resisting for so long he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it. Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek.

    Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]

    1.) Don't count on any money until you have it in your hand - people can and will back out at the last minute and you'll be left paying for a wedding you can't afford.

    2.) No, MEN are not socially trained to resist marriage. That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard. My husband and I were together for 2 1/2 years before he was really ready to be married. He always wanted to get married but he wasn't ready to BE married at that point in his life. When he realized that he was ready and that he wanted to marry me, he proposed.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:a2a8538e-75e4-4846-a8cb-67f93a4a0bac">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why is August too hot but July/the end of July isn't?
    Posted by MidniteRae[/QUOTE]

    Because August has 6 letters and July/June only have 4, therefore it's hotter. ThIt's not too logical but that's my only guess. That or because he isn't ready to get married.
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  • edited December 2011
    It sounds to me like he's not ready to get married. After 10 years, I have no idea why he wouldn't want to marry you.... maybe he's not the marrying type. Maybe he's looking back at his youth and feeling uncertain. I don't know. I really don't. Only you and he can figure that one out.

    But, no, men are not socially trained to resist marriage. Maybe they aren't always super-involved with planning a wedding. But when they're ready to commit to you for the rest of their lives, generally they'll let you know without you nagging.

    My husband and I are total dorks. Star Trek, Star Wars, video games, the works. We were together for over 5 years when he proposed. I'm sure I nagged him at times, but he always told me "I'm not ready. Things aren't the way I want them to be yet. I will ask you when I'm ready."

    He was okay with me talking occasionally about wedding stuff, and he was 100% into talking about marriage (finances, where to live, how to raise children and pets), but if I asked when he always said "When I'm ready."

    He knew he wanted to marry me, he just wasn't ready to do it right at that moment.

    When he was ready, nothing could have stopped him. He proposed first thing in the morning the day after he bought the ring. In our living room. Just us. He had been up almost all night writing me a letter about how he felt.

    NOTHING WOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM FROM ASKING ME TO MARRY HIM.

    Sounds like a light breeze could stop your BF from proposing at this point in time. Lighten up. Stop nagging. Don't talk about weddings for a while. Give him some breathing room and then, in a few weeks or a month or longer, ask him about HIS timeline. When does HE want to get married? You guys can go from there and compromise, or discuss what he needs in order to feel ready to get married (DH needed a stable job with opportunity to move up, and he wanted to be able to support both of us on his salary. Basically, financial stability. Your guy may need something else).

    But, for goodness sake, stop planning a wedding and dragging him along for the ride. That isn't how it should work.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:353f2831-8882-4b6d-bdb2-3b00c62a2e23">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Financially</strong>we don't have to worry about the wedding because my grandfather has already said he would pay for the whole thing. As far as plans for the future we both want children and pretty much want to stay right where we are because we want to be close to our families. As far as everyone saying that he's not ready aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage? And since he's been resisting for so long he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it. Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because <strong>our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek</strong>. Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]

    First off, that's not the "financial" discussion these ladies are talking about.  They are talking long term, saving for a house/emergency fund, building wealth for starting a family, or if one of you is laid off, what happens then.  Showing long-term initiative.  Second, my SO and I just put together Ikea furniture and watched anime for a romantic date last night.  Star Wars is not far behind on that list.  Just because you enjoy movies that don't heavily feature Aston Kutcher doesn't mean you are not romantic.

    Men are not "programed" to do anything.  Sure, he might have grown up in a rough home and be wary of taking that step, but if he's really ready and tells you its just some mental hang up, you guys need to talk to someone!  A couple counselor, a close understanding friend, or just each other!  Just because your man falls into ubergeek doesn't mean he doesn't have a heart, dreams, or desires.  But it sounds like he's just putting you off, IMO.  Follow Mutley, Ocean, and Jeana.  They are the Jedi masters 'round these parts.
    Love isn't how you feel. It's what you do. --Madeleine L'Engle in "A Wind in the Door"
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-ok?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:47da834d-de3a-4d21-b404-f7d9e46dda82Post:353f2831-8882-4b6d-bdb2-3b00c62a2e23">Re: Is this OK?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As far as everyone saying that he's not ready aren't guys kind of socially trained to resist marriage? And since he's been resisting for so long he probably finds it hard to all of a sudden be all excited about it. Not to mention he's never been the super romantic lovey dovey type. Our friends and family laugh because our romantic evenings involve playing video games and watching Star Trek. Originally we joked around saying we were going to have a Star Trek wedding in Vegas. Then 3 years ago when his friend had a more traditional wedding he said he wanted a more traditional wedding.
    Posted by socksgirl1784[/QUOTE]

    No, you've been watching too much television and romantic movies.  If a man truly wants to marry you, then he will ask you.  A lot of men may not be into all the wedding planning, but marriage, I think many are.  There wouldn't be so many married couples out there (heterosexual and gay male) if men didn't want to get married. 

    My FI is not into fine wines and all that romantic stuff.  He likes sci-fi, gross-out movies, and video games.  But he pretty much knew not long after we got together that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and when he was ready to take the plunge for sure, he proposed to me.  It took my guy eight months, for others it takes longer or shorter (usually longer), but the point is that if he wanted to marry you, he'd ask you.  There is no cajoling or warming a guy up to the idea, which it sounds like you were trying to do.  Either they do or they don't.

    You've been together ten years, and you've said that you two have lived together for part of that time.  If you two are living together, it would seem that in your boyfriend's mind, there's really no reason to get married anyway, he likes things the way they are and there is no need for them to change.  Or alternately, he may also want to get married, but he may be unsure if<em> you</em> are the one he wants to marry. 

    By saying that guys are socially trained to resist marriage, you are giving him an excuse for his behavior, and also giving yourself false hope rather than facing the obvious facts.  This is <strong>not</strong> an engagement...far from it. <em> He does not want to get married.</em>

    You need to leave it alone for awhile, and then revisit the issue, not by planning a fake wedding, but by asking about how he sees your future together.  Allow him to be honest, no excuses...he may tell you something you don't want to hear, but at least you'll know the truth. 

    Once you have the truth, you need to step back and evaluate the situation.  If he is ready, that's one thing (but I seriously doubt it).  But if he's not ready for whatever reason, you have some decisions to make.  Do you want to wait around for him?  If so, how long?  Another year, or 5, or 10?   Are you okay with never marrying him and having things stay the way they are?  Never give a man an ultimatum, but you need to make some hard decisions in terms of what you want for your life, and if this guy you've been with since you were a teenager is the man who you can spend your future with. 
  • edited December 2011
    Hey listen, in some respects I understand where you are coming from. You are really ready to get married and you love this man and he is the one YOU want to marry. But honey, ten years is a long time to not even have a serious discussion about getting married. I have been with my FI for over 4 years and trust me when he knew it was the right time he did it. Of course I bitched and cried and we had so many talks about it,  but in the long run it's his decision on when it is most right. If he really wanted to plan the wedding and everything else that is involved with a wedding he would have properly asked you. I think a serious discussion is needed between the two of you. Instead of planning a date, colors and knowing who will "pay" for your wedding, you need to talk about how serious you two are together. This is your life too and you don't want to be pulled along for a ride if you don't want to. I am sure that once you realize what you want for yourself, decisions will be a lot easier for you. good luck with everything.
    *Future Mrs.W* Photobucket Wedding Countdown Ticker
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