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???Bridesmaid issue???

isarahbearisarahbear
First Comment
in Moms and Maids

I met one of my bridesmaids because she was dating the Best Man, I asked her to be in the wedding because at the time we were really close. (my fiance and the bestman used to hang out all the time!) We havent hung out with either of them since March, We planned a "couples weekend." I put down the deposit and they canceled for no reason 2 days before we were supposed to leave. Since then the BM and the bestman broke up and DO NOT get along at all!!!!  
SO should i keep her in the wedding party (really worried about a fight b/w her and the bestman) or just invite her to the wedding but not be in the WP? She already stated that she understands if shes not in it. But i dont know what to do. =/

*~Love Just Happens~*
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Re: ???Bridesmaid issue???

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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Don't kick her out of the WP just because she got tattoos. In fact don't kick her out of the WP at all, its incredible rude (even if she said she would understand) you asked her and now you have to deal with that. That's why you really shouldn't choose your WP until about 6 months out. Things change.


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    saisongbirdsaisongbird
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    You pick people because they are PEOPLE, not props.  You chose these people because they mean a lot to you.  Does she mean less to you because she has a tattoo?  If your answer is anything other than "No," you are a horrible person.

    Your wedding is not until JUNE.  That's NINE months away.  Her hair could grow 4-6 inches by then!  And even if she chooses to keep it short, it's HER body to do so with.  One of my BMs chopped her hair 5 months before my wedding, and 1 month before my MOH's wedding (she was a BM in that wedding too).  Guess what?  Her hair looked fantastic at BOTH weddings.

    Your wedding can have a classic feel with the dresses you choose, the decor you choose, etc.  Not with the PEOPLE you choose.
    imageAnniversary

    RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
    You made my wedding day complete.
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    isarahbearisarahbear
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I didnt want to kick her out because of her tattoos. I guess it was just something I was "concerned" about more than a deciding factor.
    I guess my whole issue is the reliability (shes backed out on a few things last minute already) and her and the Best Man not getting along.
    *~Love Just Happens~*
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-issue-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:07c03eee-44b4-4070-9125-4b622c4eac59Post:849a4f0f-9056-41b1-9a90-87ddaa024c0d">???Bridesmaid issue???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I met one of my bridesmaids because she was dating the Best Man, I asked her to be in the wedding because at the time we were really close. (my fiance and the bestman used to hang out all the time!) We havent hung out with either of them since March, We planned a "couples weekend." I put down the deposit and they canceled for no reason 2 days before we were supposed to leave. Since then the BM and the bestman broke up and DO NOT get along at all!!!!   SO should i keep her in the wedding party (really worried about a fight b/w her and the bestman) or just invite her to the wedding but not be in the WP? She already stated that she understands if shes not in it. But i dont know what to do. =/
    Posted by isarahbear[/QUOTE]

    OP, did you edit your post after Beth and Saisong replied?

    If you don't want to be friends with her anymore then you can end the friendship and then she isn't a BM anymore either. Think of it as a friendship issue, not a wedding issue. So to answer the question at the end of your post, I don't think you can remove her from the WP and still invite her to the wedding.
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    saisongbirdsaisongbird
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Bren, she cut out everything about the tattoos.  My mistake, I should have quoted.
    imageAnniversary

    RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
    You made my wedding day complete.
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Deleting and cutting out is annoying, but at the same time tattoos really shouldn't have anything to do with any BM issue. I'm going to take this as a sign that you moved past it OP, good for you.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It's not polite to edit your posts after you've received responses. It makes the responses look irrelevant.

    If youv'e already asked your acquaintance to be a BM, you can't change your mind. Broken dates and tattoos are not major offenses. And let the BM and BM work out their own problems. If they are adults, I'm sure they can manage to keep their tempers under control for the duration of your wedding.
                       
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    isarahbearisarahbear
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, this is my first post. Im new to the posting "ediquette"
    I did edit the original post because everyone was focusing on the "tattos and hair cut" part instead of the whole picture. I didnt plan on kicking my BM out of the wedding because of her tattoos (she now has a full sleeve) and hair cut. So its not relevent to the post anylonger. ( FYI my FH has 4 tattoos so i obviously dont have a thing against people with tattoos.)
    But on a side note arent we supposed to be here to support eachother and give eachother reasonable advice? Some comments seem more like a "bashing" to me.
    *~Love Just Happens~*
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-issue-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:07c03eee-44b4-4070-9125-4b622c4eac59Post:45560bbb-54f4-4fe1-aef9-c695ec20e74d">Re:???Bridesmaid issue???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry, this is my first post. Im new to the posting "ediquette" I did edit the original post because everyone was focusing on the "tattos and hair cut" part instead of the whole picture. I didnt plan on kicking my BM out of the wedding because of her tattoos (she now has a full sleeve) and hair cut. So its not relevent to the post anylonger. ( FYI my FH has 4 tattoos so i obviously dont have a thing against people with tattoos.) But on a side note arent we supposed to be here to support eachother and give eachother reasonable advice? Some comments seem more like a "bashing" to me.
    Posted by isarahbear[/QUOTE]

     It's okay to clarify your situation, but please don't do it by editing your post but by replying with another post instead. It keeps the thread easier to understand. You'll know for next time :)

    These posters are trying to help you and give you advice. Most of these boards can be tough love at times. I never saw your OP so I can't comment on it or what Saisong and Beth replied with, but they normally do give good advice. It's good that you're clarifying you don't want to kick out the BM for her tattoos or hair (which is what Saisong and Beth were clearly responding to- lots of girls do come on here and say they do want to do just that), and you can technically kick someone out of the WP. But remember that it pretty much goes along with saying you don't want to be friends with that person anymore.
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If her hair and tattoos truly weren't relevant, you never would have mentioned them.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You got reasonable advice. You didn't like the reasonable advice, but that doesn't mean it was bad advice.

    One thing you'll learn when you post on international boards:  people give opinions.  Frank opinions.  Unvarnished opinions.  Blunt opinions. 

    But what they're telling you openly is what friends and family will also be saying:  just not to your face.  We don't have any vested interest in avoiding hurt feelings, while your friends and family do.  So actually, our advice is probably the better advice, because it's honest.

    If you think these boards are too blunt, then I'd suggest that you try local boards or weddingwire.  They tend to be more about validation of ideas:  whether or not they're good ideas.  The advice won't be as helpful, but it probably won't hurt your feelings if you're overly sensitive.

    GL

    Oh~treat your friend like the adult she is.  Let it be her decision to bow out of the WP if she's uncomfortable.  It shouldn't be your decision.  If you kick her out, you'll look like the bad bride.  If she withdraws, it's on her, not you.


    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    isarahbearisarahbear
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-issue-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:07c03eee-44b4-4070-9125-4b622c4eac59Post:6ed6c0d4-b5e3-46cb-b08c-484297963905">Re:???Bridesmaid issue???</a>:
    [QUOTE] Oh~treat your friend like the adult she is.  Let it be her decision to bow out of the WP if she's uncomfortable.  It shouldn't be your decision.  If you kick her out, you'll look like the bad bride.  If she withdraws, it's on her, not you.
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
    Thats a great idea, thanks!
    *~Love Just Happens~*
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    omalleyj20omalleyj20 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Like PP said, she's an adult and so is the best man, if they can't hold down their tempers for a friends wedding then shame on them. If you are friends with her, keep her in, you can't hold it against her that her and the BM broke up. Talk to her about it and see if she's still comfortable with it, tell her you'd like to have her in it still but want to make sure it doesn't put her in an awkward situation. Bottom line is that they should be adults & be able to attend a wedding without fighting, especially if they care about you and your fiance.
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