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What should I do? (sorry, its kind of long)

mandalove7mandalove7 member
10 Comments
in Pre-wedding Parties
I never thought a bridal shower would cause so much chaos. My FMIL and my mother were going in on a bridal shower together for me. My mom works two jobs and told my FMIL that she thought it would be best to wait until August for a bridal shower, that way she could contribute financially and actually be there! Well, FMIL had other plans, she decided to invite 75 of her friends and wants to have it in May.(She has already started planning it w/o my mom!) Last night I got a text from FMIL, saying that she is hosting my bridal party at the children's advocacy center(basically this is a local place for children to go to talk about being abused and raped, etc) I got upset, I don't feel like this is an appropriate place for a bridal shower but I didn't say anything because as I have read on here, all the bridal party decisions are up to the hostess.  FMIL asked me to ask my mom how many people she wanted to invite so she could give her invitations...I told my mom where she was having it and asked her how many people she wanted to have there...my mom blew up and said she WILL NOT invite any of her friends to such an awful place for a bridal shower and that she would throw me a bridal shower in August(as originally discussed). This whole ordeal has caused more problems than I can write on here because it would be way to long. What do I do? My mom is so upset and feels so disrespected about this, she only wants what is best for me and she feels like the bridal party is going to be a disaster. Is my FMIL wrong? Is this really an appropriate place? I'm just at the point now where I can't wait until the wedding is over..its been nothing but a battle with people(mostly FMIL and FSIL) telling me what they won't do and what I don't need to do.

Sorry this is so long :-/
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Re: What should I do? (sorry, its kind of long)

  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    A few things that jump out at me:

    1) Your FMIL shouldn't be inviting 75 of her closest friends.  Remind her that guests of bridal showers should be limited to folks who will receive a wedding invitation.  If these 75 ladies aren't on your wedding guest list, then make sure she's aware.

    2)  I agree that the facility in which she would like to host doesn't seem appropriate.  She probably thought that it's the only faciliity that can accommodate her friends.  After you talk to her about the guest list, I would make up your own guest list for the bridal shower (which is the one thing the bride is supposed to dictate for the shower) and keep it smaller so that the facilitiy is no longer a problem.

    3)  Honestly, since your FMIL does not seem to be trying to include your mom in the planning, as she had promised, I would politely decline a shower from her.  Whenever someone is offering to plan a party but is inherently making it about themselves and not taking the bride into consideration, I think it's perfectly reasonable to decline a party.  I hardly think that a bride should thrust herself into the planning, but I also believe that a good friend would take the bride's personality into consideration.  I know if I ever planned a party for my best friend, I would try to come up with something that suits her interests and features some of her favorite things.  Your FMIL seems to be disregarding that this is a party in your honor. 
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  • rknox88rknox88
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    There is a lot wrong with all of this but to keep my advice short-decline the shower from FMIL. If you are uncomfortable with the location of the shower I believe you are within your rights to express that. If she chooses not to respect your decision or gets upset, decline the shower.

    And honestly, I would be uncomfortable with the location FMIL has picked out as well.
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  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    WOW!!!  Sorry to hear you are dealing with this, take a deep breath :)

    I agree with the PP's on this one...

    Between inviting 75 of HER closest friends, choosing to have it at said location and not including your mother in any of this nor considering that August was the original plan, I would politely decline her shower.  I know its a hard thing to do but its probably best for everyone and especially you, that your mother take over the shower and go with the original plan.

    I hope all of this works out for you :)

     

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It's true that the hostess gets to make the decisions regarding the party she is planning. It's also true that the bride may politely decline the shower, if she is uncomfortable about it for any reason.

    Your FMIL was rude to exclude your mom in the plans after they had agreed to work on a shower together. But since they don't seem to agree on much, your mom is probably better off throwing her own shower.


                       
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  • kimagine10kimagine10 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She seems as if she's being very self centered.. Sad. All good advice to politely decline, you don't want to look back at that day and regret it. This is ALL about you two and nobody else.

    If she has a problem with it, she will just have to deal..
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  • mandalove7mandalove7 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_should-sorry-its-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:a2cddcc1-7110-4fd0-a831-a41b091eca85Post:8e9f0a1b-e657-48a9-bd00-de96db6a3eb2">Re: What should I do? (sorry, its kind of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Decline the shower. Your wedding isn't until October.  It's really too early to be having a shower.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Exactly. My mom tried to tell her that and said it was best to wait till August, but FMIL does what she wants whether its right or wrong. I hope this is not a sign of things to come..its only March... *sigh*</div>
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  • jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_should-sorry-its-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:a2cddcc1-7110-4fd0-a831-a41b091eca85Post:f8dc087c-3d51-4699-94ac-7f3766376804">Re: What should I do? (sorry, its kind of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: What should I do? (sorry, its kind of long) : Exactly. My mom tried to tell her that and said it was best to wait till August, but FMIL does what she wants whether its right or wrong. <strong>I hope this is not a sign of things to come.</strong>.its only March... *sigh*
    Posted by mandalove7[/QUOTE]


    Oh, it most likely is, OP. That's why by being assertive and putting your foot down now is so very important. Otherwise she will keep doing things like this. If you let her know now that it is unacceptable of her to do this by declining the shower, then hopefully she will be a little more considerate of what would suit you in the future. I feel like the wedding and planning process really sets the tone of what to expect from FILs and vice versa.
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