He's nervous about telling family

ladylexilego · September 2012

So I got engaged 2 months ago, and I agreed that we could wait some time to tell anyone because we weren't going to rush anything. But now, 2 months later, I really wanna get this show on the road. He is nervous about announcing anything to his family because he is scared of what they will think, especially since he doesn't know exactly what career he wants.

I try to explain to him that it's OUR life and their opinions ultimately don't change the fact that we're getting married, and that his exact choice of a career isn't my biggest concern. He is worried, though, that they think he's going to get married and have kids before he's ready.

I'm so frustrated that I'm ready to tell them myself! I know I shouldn't, and I won't. But I really don't want their opinions keeping us from planning our wedding. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE HELP!!

kmmssg · September 2012

Are you guys fairly young? Is this why he hasn't made a career choice? Would your ages have anything to do with why he isn't wanting to tell them?

thejucheidea · September 2012

K Everdeen12 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_hes-nervous-about-telling-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:dc328160-98ea-4464-9e8d-9eef4f773e2bPost:dfbecc06-060b-4825-9299-89bcec232768">He's nervous about telling family</a>:
[QUOTE]So I got engaged 2 months ago, and I agreed that we could wait some time to tell anyone because we weren't going to rush anything. But now, 2 months later, I really wanna get this show on the road.<strong> He is nervous about announcing anything to his family because he is scared of what they will think, especially since he doesn't know exactly what career he wants.</strong> I try to explain to him that it's OUR life and their opinions ultimately don't change the fact that we're getting married, and that his exact choice of a career isn't my biggest concern. He is worried, though, that they think he's going to get married and have kids before he's ready. I'm so frustrated that I'm ready to tell them myself! I know I shouldn't, and I won't. But I really don't want their opinions keeping us from planning our wedding. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE HELP!!
Posted by ladylexilego[/QUOTE]

<div>Huh? As long as he is working, why does that matter? I'm getting married in a little over a year, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life (I graduate with my Masters next May, but have been working full time for the last 4 years). </div><div>
</div><div>If my FI didn't want to tell his family he was engaged for two months, I'd really have to ask myself if this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. </div><div>
</div><div>I feel like there are some details you are leaving out, like your ages and length of time you've been together. Families tend to be more judgemental and concerned when couples are young and have only been dating a short period of time. <em>If </em>that's the case, the fact that your FI won't tell them will just validate their concerns that you two may not be mature enough to be married. I could be way off here, but just my 2 cents.</div>

achiduck · September 2012

I think we need to be filled in on some details... how long have you been together? How old are you? When are you thingking about getting married? Have you figured out how you're going to pay for it?

nextrightthing · September 2012

Agree with PP. What are you leaving out? Are you under 25? Just met? Have a series of serious problems in your relationship?

ladylexilego · September 2012

We are fairly young, and although we both have very stable and decent jobs (he actually has 3, simply because he enjoys working), he is concerned that they will think it's still too soon.

I think my post yesterday came across in a way I didn't mean it to. I feel like I sounded inconsiderate and rude. I really just want to get on with our lives and not let anything hold us back. I tried to explain to him that his one brother married younger than we plan to, but he feels that the difference is that his brother knew what career he wanted. I also tried to tell him about how both his other brothers basically eloped and that I think his parents will be happy that we want to involve them, but not so happy if we keep everything a secret.

I just don't know what to do to get him on board with this. I've really considered going to one of his brothers privately and asking what he thinks, because I feel that he will tell us what he did and what he thinks we should or shouldn't do, but my fiance doesn't even want that and I would feel bad going behind his back (although I really think something like this is what he needs to motivate him, since I know his brother would be happy for us).

ladylexilego · September 2012

Response to everyone else:

We are young, but we have been dating 3 years and knew eachother for quite some time before that. We've never had problems in our relationship, and I could count on one hand the number or real arguments we've had in those 3 years. We plan on waiting 2 years before marrying, as we don't want to rush things.

achiduck · September 2012

Does your family not like him, or his not like you? That could be a pretty big reason he's so hesitatnt to let the cat out of the bag.

KatWAG · September 2012

What does "fairly young" mean? My mom says she is fairly young at 57.

zantster · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_hes-nervous-about-telling-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:dc328160-98ea-4464-9e8d-9eef4f773e2bPost:0fc1d83e-3433-47fc-bf71-c3077d92808b">Re: He's nervous about telling family</a>:
[QUOTE] I just don't know what to do to get him on board with this. I've really considered going to one of his brothers privately and asking what he thinks, because I feel that he will tell us what he did and what he thinks we should or shouldn't do, but my fiance doesn't even want that and I would feel bad going behind his back (although I really think something like this is what he needs to motivate him, since I know his brother would be happy for us).
Posted by ladylexilego[/QUOTE]

Speaking from previous experience, if your FI is giving you reasons to delay an official announcement then that is a huge red flag. Although your FI probably does not want to lose you, he also does not seem to truly be ready to take on the responsibility of becoming a husband. Trying to convince your FI to do something is not a good idea because no matter what you say or do you cannot control anyone and getting in the habit of being the one in the relationship who's doing the pushing while the other side is acting unsure and pessimistic is not a routine you want to begin or it may continue for years. If marrying you is important enough to him your FI will happily and willingly get on the same page with you and pay no attention to what others think. Otherwise he can use what other people may or may not think or do as an excuse for an eternity.

The only one you can control is you. Eventually you will have to figure out how long you want to go through this double talking game of supposedly wanting to get married with no date and no announcement. Hopefully he mans up before you get fed up. But if not you may have to cut ties and move on so you don't waste too much time.

ladylexilego · September 2012

Here's your update:

We had a long chat about it this morning and we are finally getting somewhere. He says that this is what he wants, but he wants to have more plans in order (for instance, where we will be living) before worrying about a wedding. We made an agreement that we will not start planning a wedding until those plans are in order, but we will make an announcement to friends and family within the next few weeks because at the moment, we are on vacation and we would like to tell them in person when we get back and settled back in.

Thank you for your input, it definitely helped me out.

zantster · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_hes-nervous-about-telling-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:dc328160-98ea-4464-9e8d-9eef4f773e2bPost:dea8fffa-65a0-4d3a-b12f-1b3735beab83">Re: He's nervous about telling family</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's your update: We had a long chat about it this morning and we are finally getting somewhere. He says that this is what he wants, but he wants to have more plans in order (for instance, where we will be living) before worrying about a wedding. We made an agreement that we will not start planning a wedding until those plans are in order, but we will make an announcement to friends and family within the next few weeks because at the moment, we are on vacation and we would like to tell them in person when we get back and settled back in. Thank you for your input, it definitely helped me out.
Posted by ladylexilego[/QUOTE]
That sounds totally reasonable. Now you have a sense of when certain milestones will be reached. And since you all are young and still getting things in order it makes sense that a wedding wouldn't happen right away. That's a mature approach. Me and my FI are older and much farther along in our careers so we can plan a wedding without taking things like our living situation into account. But you two are being smart and not rushing before having at least a decent foundation in place. It sounds like he's serious since he's willing to tell the family without anymore stalling. So kudos to him and all the best as you two build your lives together.

RailWayWife · September 2012

Why did he purpose if he doesnt even want to tell people? Why is he so scared to tell his family?

This would raise some serious red flags for me.

LmayB2B · September 2012

I wouldn't be too concerend as RailWayWife suggests...

It sounds like you are both madly in love and his concern is about his overzealous family, NOT that he is embarassed, ashamed, or affraid. I can speak from personal experience (since my family is ridiculously opinionated) that I know where he is coming from. Steve and I discussed the possibility of hosting a destination wedding but then realized the backlash that I would get from my family. I know this day is supposed to be about the bride and groom, but it's difficult to block out the unwanted opinions and slander that will come.

It's difficult but I would give him some time to work it out internally.

ladylexilego · September 2012

I want to thank everyone for the support.

Of course the first thing I asked him was if he was hesitating because he wasn't sure about it and was just trying to do this to make me happy. He said no, and that he is more concerned about how his family will react (like LmayB2B said) and that he wants to have some plans in order in case they want to know what the plans are.

DaveandRoxy · September 2012

A marriage is the uniting of 2 families. If he thought his would not approve, he should have considered those implications BEFORE proposing. Now he's got you hanging on a string. How long did he think he would be able to hide this life-long commitment. The whole thing seems shady to me.

Meghannsix · September 2012

Keep in mind that "engaged" doesn't necessarily mean you have to be knee-deep in wedding planning by tomorrow, it just means you're planning on getting married, eventually. I'd still be concerned if he doesn't want to announce your engagement, this should be a happy, exciting decision, not one to be hidden.

sparkles776 · September 2012

Completely agree with meghann, My FI and I are not people that started planning immediately, or set a date immediately, simply because we wanted to enjoy being engaged. Wedding planning isnt all fun and games, it can be really stressful, and once you start planning you dont really stop. Announce your engagement and go from there.

zantster · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_hes-nervous-about-telling-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:dc328160-98ea-4464-9e8d-9eef4f773e2bPost:d8434c69-8ed0-47b6-9e15-73b64d7f202f">Re: He's nervous about telling family</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to thank everyone for the support. Of course the first thing I asked him was if he was hesitating because he wasn't sure about it and was just trying to do this to make me happy. He said no, and that he is more concerned about how his family will react (like LmayB2B said) and that he wants to have some plans in order in case they want to know what the plans are.
Posted by ladylexilego[/QUOTE]
Is this still true from your previous post where you said, <strong>"We we will make an announcement to friends and family within the next few weeks because at the moment, we are on vacation and we would like to tell them in person when we get back and settled back in." </strong>This is still happening right?<strong> </strong> Because if he backtracks on announcing when you all get back from vacation then the red flag goes back up again.

There is absolutely no reason to delay the<em> announcement</em> of your engagement. Also, always remember that actions speak a heckuva lot louder than words. If you are not actually <strong>seeing </strong>him "getting his plans in order" as your 2-yr. engagement goes onward then that's another red flag. All kinds of excuses have a way of popping up for not "getting his plans in order," whatever those may be. He should be telling you and showing you exactly what his plans are without you having to push him. And if you all plan on saving for this wedding 2 years from now, then you need to set a budget and work out how much you need to save so that you'll be ready by then. His reaction and participation with all of these things will speak volumes. If he seems to be resistant to any of them or making excuses then you need to be extremely cautious about continuing with this commitment.

ladylexilego · September 2012

Okay, everyone really can chill out now. Things are fine and the plans to tell them are still in order.

Please dont bash him for being nervous about his family's reactions. I think it is completely understandable, considering some things that went on within his family that I didn't post. Not to mention that I don't enjoy hearing that he is "shady" when I know he is not.

zantster · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_hes-nervous-about-telling-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:dc328160-98ea-4464-9e8d-9eef4f773e2bPost:4163caa6-5b40-413c-bd6e-e5b479e89fa4">Re: He's nervous about telling family</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, everyone really can chill out now. Things are fine and the plans to tell them are still in order. Please dont bash him for being nervous about his family's reactions. I think it is completely understandable, considering some things that went on within his family that I didn't post. Not to mention that I don't enjoy hearing that he is "shady" when I know he is not.
Posted by ladylexilego[/QUOTE]
Hey lady, that's great that the plans to tell his fam are still in order. I tried to put a lot of "if this" and "if that" in my reply because I don't know him or you or the whole story as you said with some other things that have gone on. So maybe some of the replies seemed a bit strong. But its just because PPs like myself truly want to see you happy. Again, as far as I'm concerned as long as your engagement doesn't remain hidden the rest of the planning stuff is details that can be worked out over time. I just hate to see someone get strung along, which I have seen happen. And at the end of it they're left with nothing but empty promises. But I'm sure you'll stay on top of things and know where you stand so your time is not wasted.

marshaa8 · September 2012

I don't think that's a red flag, in fact I think that means he just really wants to make it clear that he is going to do everything he can to take care of you (i.e. have a stable career before marrying you). I completely understand- my parents were very critical of my (now husband) fiance right after we got engaged because he didn't have the kind of degree they wanted him to have and we were too young (23 and 24- one year younger than my parents when they married, believe it or not). Either way, it will be said, and even if parents are resistant at first, they will eventually come around (even if it takes your whole engagement, which was our situation). I wish you two the best!

ladylexilego · September 2012

Im sure i came across a bit strong too, and for that i apologize. You all will be happy to hear that we are announcing it very soon and have ordered our engagement announcements

bridalmarch · September 2012

Confuzzled. Did he propose with a ring? Do you take it off when you see your friends and family? Have you not seen anyone for two months?

I know not everyone gets a ring and that's ok, but I can't imagine being engaged and not letting my best friends and family know, or keeping that secret for two months. It's not like you're pregnant and waiting to make sure everything is healthy. If my BFF got engaged and waited two months to tell me, I might be a little hurt.

zantster · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_hes-nervous-about-telling-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:dc328160-98ea-4464-9e8d-9eef4f773e2bPost:546c2288-08f6-4ae3-9e82-5e2bbdb7c76a">Re:He's nervous about telling family</a>:
[QUOTE]Im sure i came across a bit strong too, and for that i apologize. You all will be happy to hear that we are announcing it very soon and have ordered our engagement announcements
Posted by ladylexilego[/QUOTE]

That's great! And you're sweet but no apologies necessary. Just please post whenever you guys announce it ok? I know it will go well. And post a pic of the announcements so we can see! I'm so happy for you.

He's nervous about telling family

Re: He's nervous about telling family

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

He's nervous about telling family

Re: He&#039;s nervous about telling family

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: He's nervous about telling family