difficult MOB and bridal shower drama!

Cabdake · May 2011

I have a question.... My son is getting married to a wonderful girl who we love dearly this fall. Sounds great, right? Enter the MOB.... sigh! This woman wants everything done HER way! My son is trying to talk his Fiance into sticking up for herself, so now the MOB is angry at him, and therefore, angry at me. (go figure! What did I do!) I don't really care... I'm not marring into the family (Thank God!) But, here's my question... She is throwing the bridal shower (the way SHE wants, since the wedding isn't the way she wants) and she texted my daughter and told her that for everyone we wanted to invite to the shower, it would cost us 37 dollars. I've never heard of charging the family for inviting the guests to a shower. My guess it that it's probably at a fancy restaurant, but still.... The thought of me having to pay so that that woman can try to impress her friends just frosts me!!!
I would throw her a shower of our own, but my family isn't from around here, so there isn't many to invite. Suggestions? Thanks, everyone!

Beachy730 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-mob-bridal-shower-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8eec472e-51b5-4b17-b843-db6cf778fb90Post:1aa8e9f4-60c6-4408-a6f1-2727a663de26">difficult MOB and bridal shower drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question.... My son is getting married to a wonderful girl who we love dearly this fall. Sounds great, right? Enter the MOB.... sigh! This woman wants everything done HER way! My son is trying to talk his Fiance into sticking up for herself, so now the MOB is angry at him, and therefore, angry at me. (go figure! What did I do!) I don't really care... I'm not marring into the family (Thank God!) But, here's my question... She is throwing the bridal shower (the way SHE wants, since the wedding isn't the way she wants) and she texted my daughter and told her that for everyone we wanted to invite to the shower, it would cost us 37 dollars. I've never heard of charging the family for inviting the guests to a shower. My guess it that it's probably at a fancy restaurant, but still.... The thought of me having to pay so that that woman can try to impress her friends just frosts me!!! I would throw her a shower of our own, but my family isn't from around here, so there isn't many to invite. Suggestions? Thanks, everyone!
Posted by Cabdake[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It is rude for her to host the shower, extend the invites to your family, and say that you have to pay for them. If I were you I would decline having anyone invited, and just throw your own small shower. It doesn't have to be big at all, and can just be a small luncheon if you wanted with sandwiches and cake.

</div>

vicki0508 · May 2011

Ditto dnb. It's perfectly acceptable to host your own separate shower with your family. That way you can have the type of shower you would like, and aren't forced to pay for MOB's vision.

djoann958 · May 2011

I am a recent MOB and I would definitely not pay for my family to attend a shower like that. I would rather host my own very small one than to give in to that woman's demands.

ootmother2 · May 2011

Is this what your daughter told you or your son (the groom)?

I don't get why she's texting your daughter about a shower. She should be talking to you instead. Are you giving her a list of people you want invited? How many?

What part am I missing here?

without answers to the above, I woulld decline to give her names and host a shower for the bride yourself.

Cabdake · May 2011

I should have made that a little clearer... For some reason, the MOB texted MY daughter, instead of myself. I don't know why, except that perhaps because my daughter is in the wedding. I didn't give her any names to add to the list. My daughter didn't want me to tell my future DIL what her mother was doing, because she didn't want to upset her. I don't have any family here, except my immediate family, including my daughter. So, if I were to hold a shower of my own, it would be only her and friends that haven't met my future DIL to invite.

ootmother2 · May 2011

so there are no guests for you and your daughter to invite, correct?

let it go

MairePoppy · May 2011

If the MOB wanted you to pay for part of the shower, she should have allowed you to have input on the cost and planning. She was rude, we all know it, but what are you going to do?

You could follow your daughter's advice and not embarrass your beloved fdil. Either quietly decline the invitation and host a small party of your own. Or (I hate to say this) send the MOB the $74 for you and your daughter to attend the shower.

Good luck.

Beachy730 · May 2011

I was under the assumption that anyone over you and your daughter would cost money. Are they charging you to attend? Or just any guests you want added?

Cabdake · May 2011

Good question. I just assumed that it would be anyone over my daughter and I. Maybe not. I had better check that out. ( I guess I should probably point out that they have lots of money, and we are on a "tight budget". Please don't think there is any envy on my part, because "lots of money does not happiness make" as my mom used to say! ) There is one good friend, and her two daughters that I would like to invite, so should I "suck it up" and just pay for them? BTW, this type of behavior is not uncommon for her... she told her daughter that she didn't like the invitations to the wedding that they chose, so she would be buying her own invitations to send to HER own friends. Sheesh!

i2012do · May 2011

I'm going to go against the grain here. I know I';m not on the board a lot so I might get some crap for this one.

But did the MOM ask you if you would help contribute? Do you tink she is being rude- or is this just that shes using text and things are getting misconstrewed.

Maybe you should just CALL her and see.

Perhaps the mother is upset you didin't offer to help financially?

I realize, you only have 3 guests. Maybe in that case, you can suck it up and pay for them.

Or perhaps she is looking for your daughter to contribute... It is traditional t hat bridesmaids or aunts throw a shower- and not typically the mother .. and I know that in recent times that tradition has wavered- but if she is very traditional she will think it is quite rude that your daughter, a bridesmaid, didn't offer to help.
Perhaps other bridesmaids offered?

Maybe it was just a hint...

I am only saying this because I am biased. My fiances family hasn't asked or picked up one penny of the wedding. They haven't even offered to pay the $50 it costs to rent the ORgan at the church. They just assumed my parents would pay. They aren't giving me a shower- she already told me she can't afford it, but said that we are welcome to invite her to ours and also, she had 10 other guests she would "like invited" IE on my family's dime again. It's really frustrationg

Perhaps if you can't help out financially, you can offer to assemble favors, pay for the cake at the shower, etc.

i2012do · May 2011

Also
so I don't get totally reemed. I think perhaps if you feel uncomfortable about the money. Perhaps you can take the $185.00 you would have spent at their shower and host a small bridal luncheon, or perhaps just a tea at your home for your Futuer DIL.
Then you don't have to worry about the situation at all.. and you can do something you are more comfortable with.

I know you said you are not from the area, and I noticed you are from CT... Where are you originally from? $37 pp for a shower seems pretty average for New England.

MairePoppy · May 2011

i2012do- that was a powerful 'hint.' While $37 pp for a shower at a restaurant is in the middle range in New England, there are still less expensive options. Many of us still host these events in our homes. If the MOB wanted the MOG to help with the cost of the shower, she should have discussed the budget with her before she made any plans. And the MOG should have been included in the planning process.

i2012do · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-mob-bridal-shower-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8eec472e-51b5-4b17-b843-db6cf778fb90Post:f75045bd-7ebe-41c0-995d-92527b64ddb7">Re: difficult MOB and bridal shower drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]i2012do- that was a powerful 'hint.' While $37 pp for a shower at a restaurant is in the middle range in New England, there are still less expensive options. Many of us still host these events in our homes. If the MOB wanted the MOG to help with the cost of the shower, she should have discussed the budget with her before she made any plans. And the MOG should have been included in the planning process.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

I agree! I think that if she wanted her to help out than she should have decided together wehre to have it and the budget. But perhaps the MOB was waiting for MOG to actually speak up and offer to help? It shouldn't always be the MOB making the first call on something. Just because the MOG doesnt have" a lot of guests" to invite to a shower- doesn't mean she can't offer to help organize it or pay for it, since its about her FDIL. Its not about who has how many guests.
IF that was the case- than my parents sould only be responsible for paying for 60% of the wedding, yet they are paying 100%

I understand what you mena, because I have actually been in that situation. MY friends mother planned her entire shower- and she called me to tell me my share was $300... .and I had NO SAY. I'm a designer, I would hjave designed the invites over paying for $200 invites- etc.. There would tings I would have done differently.
BUT when I said something after the fact, her mother said "well no one initiated anything- or called to tell me they wanted to help- so I had to take it into my own hands" She had a point. MOB can't just wait around for MOG to start the planning...

KWIM?

Cabdake · May 2011

Let me clarify things a bit... The shower is "officially" being given by the MOH, but she is a friend of the family, and by her own words, has had NO planning in it. It's all been the MOB. I (the MOG) did offer to help in any way that I could, all they had to do was call me, but I wasn't included in the planning in any way. If she needed financial help with the shower, I would have been glad to help, but I would have liked to help plan it. If nothing else, it's fun!
I think she is planning it extremely fancy, because my son and FDIL won't let her have her way with the planning of the wedding. At the tasting, she got mad at all of us, because we didn't agree with her on something, and she stormed out, and she hasn't spoken with ME since. (And I'm the only one who didn't give an opinion!)
I was mostly curious to see if anyone else thought she was being rude. If she's taken it in her heart to dislike me, and to treat me poorly, it's her loss! I guess I could suck it up, since I won't have to see much of her. (But I don't have to like it! lol ) She's certainly making it easy to be the bigger person!

i2012do · May 2011

If its being given by the MOH. Than deal with her not with the MOB
Its def. up the MOH to ask for assistance if she needs it, since she is throwing the shower- whether that be financial or not. Perhaps call the MOH and ask if she needs any help.

this isnt atypical
in fact, most of the brides I know, the person planning the shower had little say.
As my mom called it "silent partner" (when my aunt planned my cousin's entire shower and then asked for my mom to give her the money)... I think its common because the mom wants to be able ot have a hand in something- since the wedding is all about hte bride and groom, the dad walks his little girl down the aisle. the mom- wants a part of the wedding to be reflective of her, I'm sure you aren thte only one in this situation.

Since its just 5 of you, if you don't want to throw your FDIL a shower of your own, than your only option is to suck it up. call the MOH and ask how you can help. It is nice if the MOG can help in anyway they can, I wish you were my MOG- My FMIL doesnt even offer to help in the least!

On the day of, just know that you can hold your head high knowing you play an important role in the day of- don't let pushy polly get you down.

MairePoppy · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_difficult-mob-bridal-shower-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8eec472e-51b5-4b17-b843-db6cf778fb90Post:8570400b-edff-4c1f-8caa-7faa6d2ac195">Re: difficult MOB and bridal shower drama!</a>:
[QUOTE] She's certainly making it easy to be the bigger person!
Posted by Cabdake[/QUOTE]

I like this line a lot : )

difficult MOB and bridal shower drama!

Re: difficult MOB and bridal shower drama!

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