9 days to go until the wedding...

brooklynbytes · May 2012

I wish I could stay excited about it... Anyone else have a serious breech Of trust during bachelor party?

dumdumfroggie · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_iowa-des-moines_9-days-to-go-until-the-wedding-sick-over-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:80Discussion:351f5d9c-3c17-4eea-9a00-733f2320aa32Post:2f245fba-5cac-49f1-a0a2-840f0b6a0e24">9 days to go until the wedding... sick over bachelor party</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi ladies. I'm sorry to bother the board with this - but I'm in a seriously emotional pickle. I dreaded the bachelor party for months. I did. My last fiance, whom I left, had convinced me that strip clubs were super hunky-dory and we went semi-frequently together when I was in my early 20's. I even bought him a lap dance at Beach Girls (in DM) on one of his birthdays. I found out later, in fact he told me after I'd left him - that he had ended up getting a BJ there, and then snuck around on me, went there a lot, and ended up occasionally sleeping with this same girl for many many months before we split up. You can imagine that my view on strip clubs radically changed. So, I dreaded DREADED the strip club thing. My fiance knew this. He's normally a very sweet, fun, caring man. But he wouldn't budge on not going. He thought his friends would think he was a wimp. I aquisted. I tried to reach a compromise. I said "No Beach Girls... and absolutely NO private dances." He agreed. He said he thought I was reasonable. We agreed that if anyone bought him a private dance, he'd certainly decline and let the buyee get the dance. And what happened? He paid for & hired the party bus. He didn't give the driver any "don't go there tonight" instructions. He didn't tell a single buddy not to get him a lap dance. He got super drunk, and let the bus go to Beach Girls (he heard his buddy tell the driver to go there). He got TWO lap dances in private. One of which, the stripper tore his underwear and smacked him around (he says). I freaked when one of our mutual friends told me he had lap dances. We spent an entire day with me freaking because my trust was destroyed, him apologizing, and me crying. We almost had it on the road to recovery that next night, but when he tentatively put his arm around me - he smelled like *(!@&#@!!! perfume. I cried. He showered. I wanted to punch his brains in. We hashed it out again the next day. He bought me flowers. Told me I was the most important thing in his life. He cried. I said I'd forgive him. I said I knew this was completely out of character for him (and it is) and while he was never never never allowed inside another strip club... we'd get through it.<strong> Next day (last night) I poured copious amounts of rum, we talked it out again in a much more friendly manner - and honestly... honestly I was really on the road to relationship recovery.</strong> Except he said he never wanted to give me the details of what happened. Last night I agreed. Today I'm freaking out about it. He says he didn't kiss anyone. But Beach Girls IS a fully nude lap dance place, and I know from experience that bad bad bad things can happen. Am I wrong to keep freaking out? I so very much do want to get past this, he really is (or was up to that night) a person I can trust. Would you want to know every detail, or is it better left unsaid? 9 days til the wedding, and I'm on this emotional roller coaster. Sucks. I do love him still. I believe he's 99% a trustworthy guy. I don't think he'll ever take breaking his word as lightly ever again... what do I do?
Posted by brooklynbytes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>First of all, talk to him without the alcohol. Have a sober conversation.</div><div>
</div><div>Then, it's up to you. Do you believe and trust him, or don't you? Personally, I wouldn't want to know every detail, and honestly, if he was really intoxicated, he might not remember every detail.

</div>

jodiemariecooksley · May 2012

I don't want to come off as preachy or push my values on you but just offer what I would do in this situation. Have you tried to talk to each other without the influence of alcohol yet? I always find that writing it down can help then I have time to make a rational thought without freaking out and blowing things out of proportion. I know guys don't tend to do this, but maybe it would help you to write it down in a letter to him how it felt for him to break that trust to you and how you'd like to move past it. I think focusing on the future and how you'd like to move past this is more important. You made the commitment to him to marry him and you must love him or you wouldn't be so upset. I think you need to talk to each other about what you expect from your relationship and what are true deal breakers. If this was a one time thing and he really didn't actually cheat on you then I think you both need to get past this and find a way to move on from it and enjoy your upcoming wedding. I'm sure you've both made mistakes in your life, especially under the influence of alcohol and with the pressure of friends. I'm not sure how old either of you are, but I hope as adults, the older you get the easier it is to say to your friends you don't want to or aren't comfortable doing certain things.

You just have to know there is nothing you can do to change what happened now and everything you can do to choose your attitude about it now and how you move forward with it. Do you still want to marry him? Is this really worth calling your wedding off for? Just remember that it's ok to call it off if you can't say "yes I want to marry him" 100%! People will understand!

Hope that helps a little, sorry if I rambled on a little.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

Did he know about the previous situation before the party? Personally I think its really disrespectful of him to allow that knowing how you felt. Broken trust is a hard thing to overcome. I think like PP said, you should talk to him then maybe take some time to yourself to see if its something you can get past or if you need to call off the wedding. It's a tough situation!

brooklynbytes · May 2012

I'm sorry if I didn't clarify. We did talk several times sober, a seemingly endless 2 days. Last night was the only time alcohol was involved in our talking. I was hoping it would bring a little levity to our very emotional weekend/week. It sort of worked, but I keep surpising myself with how much broken trust & hurt I'm dealing with. I guess I didn't expect (A) he break his word and (B) it would shake the foundation of our relationship so much.

Ultimately I think the answer is to stay. It sucks that there's not any real time to move forward together before "taking the plunge" - but he's been a respectful, honest, caring man for the entirety of this relationship... I've got to forgive this (once) and trust my initial decision. He's not normally a lying, cheating, devious man. I still want to punch him, sometimes now, but I think I've got to trust myself and my commitment to him. I sorely doubt he'd make a mistake of this caliber again...

Also, we're both adults, both in our thirties. I've walked away from two engagements in my life before this, both times (then & now) positive I was making the right decision not to spend my life with the wrong guy.

Sigh.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

I'm glad you've been able to come to that conclusion! You've said this was very out of character for him and the pressures of friends and the influence of alcohol can lead to uncharacteristic actions. I wish both of you all the happiness and hope that this just brings you closer together! FI and I also had a breach of trust over a year ago and as much as the situation hurt, it truly has brought us closer together and for that, I'm thankful.

medusia00 · May 2012

I am so sorry to hear about the troubles, sounds like you are working it out. Sending Knottie vibes your way.

Mcsweets · May 2012

It sounds like he has an issue with trying to impress his friends? I could be completely off there, but I think it will change as your relationship grows together through the years.

On another note, I have had huge issues with my past relationship with him drinking. That said, I would never tell my DH not to drink. I try not to tell him "not" do do anything... he pretty much has free rein on whatever he does. So, maybe with you telling him "not" to go there, he may have thought "this is my last night of freedom" and took advantage.

If I were in your position, I would probably talk to our pastor... through all of our sessions he brought my DH and I even closer, which I didn't think was possible.

I think that if it's still bothering you, you should talk to him. But, you have to decide that its a done deal if you choose to marry him. No bringing it up in fights later on...

Good luck! I think he sounds like a great guy otherwise!

9 days to go until the wedding...

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