We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries

kellya01 · November 2010

Ugh!

I'm so tired of reading posts of people repeatedly asking "how do I register for cash" or "what do you think of honeymoon registries" ... it's not that people won't have that question... it is that those specific questions have been answered SO many times on TK and on this board. And definitely don't post it on the Etiquette board. It's just tacky! The end. Don't ask anymore unless you read PP's on the boards and still don't see your topic!!!

Sorry for the vent. Just had to get that out there. Maybe the R&G Mod will post a sticky with some of the best of TK responses on the subject.

EDIT: please note that I am just a poster on TK. It is my opinion, and I know that my opinion is shared by others on TK message boards, but because it is an opinion, there will be those who feel differently. My intention is THIS: PLEASE read the message boards on the MANY posts on this subject. There are a bunch and I think many of us could glean information from previous posts instead of starting a new thread that brings out the "flaming" so famous on these controversial topics.

NatandIsaac · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:d24af613-c50e-48d1-bd6a-7a1e06f215b4">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sick of the "well, your friends love you, so they won't mind even if it is 'against the rules' " excuse..... If that was true, then it would be okay to punch our friends in the faces or steal from them. After all....they'll forgive us if they love us, won't they?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sick of "my FI and I are over age 20... hence, we already have a set of forks..." you and everyone else; you still don't get to ask for money.</div>

aleighk1 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:02487a63-a8fa-4730-969e-71c4988fa1bf">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been on my own since my teens, and I still found stuff for a registry. Anyone can. You look for stuff to replace or upgrade. It's not difficult.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed.</div>

jaytee16 · November 2010

it is because it's "rude" that this line of questions elicits so much hostility and a proposed ban on this topic? there are tons of threads with the same topic over and over again. if you're not interested in a subject, you've read it to death, how about just not reading it? clearly there are people that would like to discuss it. i thought these boards were supposed to be a place people could come and seek out advice without being harped on.

jemmini6 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:90736857-30c1-4837-ae22-87441ca22263">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]Jemmin, I'm sure a lot of people "like" them. That does not change the fact that they are a violation of etiquette. Breaches of etiquette and socially unacceptable behavior will not be defended here..
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I disagree. I don't think they are a violation of etiquette or socially unacceptable. I understand can appreciate that other people think that way, but to say that you are going to completely shut out a differing opinion is like tyrany "it's your way or the highway". Beleive it or not, there are a lot of things that used to be "against etiquette" or "socially unacceptable" that people think are totally fine today (no children at weddings, sleeping with each other before marriage, interracial weddings, gay weddings, etc, etc, etc).

MyNameIsNot · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:9c9992ca-4559-4c0e-abc4-960d32ea99ba">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries : I disagree. I don't think they are a violation of etiquette or socially unacceptable. I understand can appreciate that other people think that way, but to say that you are going to completely shut out a differing opinion is like tyrany "it's your way or the highway". Beleive it or not, there are a lot of things that used to be "against etiquette" or "socially unacceptable" that people think are totally fine today (no children at weddings, sleeping with each other before marriage, interracial weddings, gay weddings, etc, etc, etc).
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>Etiquette is not a matter of opinion. Much like the law of gravity, it is a fact that honeymoon/cash registries are rude. You don't have to like it or agree with it, but just as you'll always fall if you jump of a building, a honeymoon registry is always rude. </div><div>
</div><div>This board is not about presenting "both sides of an issue." It is about providing helpful information to help brides plan their wedding, both from a logistical standpoint and from an etiquette standpoint. There is no other side. Do you see a sticky on the reception board about how to charge admission to your reception? </div><div>
</div><div>Things like living together unwed, gay marriage, interracial weddings, etc are not and have never been about etiquette. Those things are about societal norms and expectations. No one is arguing the point that it is RUDE for two men to marry. Those issues are all about religion and its role in dictating social norms. It has nothing to do with etiquette, which is about how you treat others. </div>

MNVegas · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:02487a63-a8fa-4730-969e-71c4988fa1bf">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been on my own since my teens, and I still found stuff for a registry. Anyone can. You look for stuff to replace or upgrade. It's not difficult.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Also agree! When I met DH he not only had fully stocked primary residence but also a summre residence. I also had tons of stuff. Gues what? We still find things all the time that we need or just want for the house.

Like I keep saying, your guests are not stupid. They know cash is appreciated and they don't need the "happy couple" to keep telling them that by setting up HM, cash, car or any other cash registry.

ckonidak · November 2010

FYI <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/planning-a-wedding/articles/10-wedding-rules-you-can-break.aspx">Wedding Planning: The 10 Wedding Rules You Can Break</a>

#3. Maybe you should check with The Knot before telling a bride that she's way out of line for what she's registering for. Times are changing and registries are evolving. Best of luck to all future brides, traditional or not.

banana468 · November 2010

You do understand that TK exists to make money right?

That's akin to taking wedding etiquette advice from BB&B or Target.

MyNameIsNot · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:bddf85d5-e6f0-4171-b763-963e0d7da0c1">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]FYI <a href=" <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/planning-a-wedding/articles/10-wedding-rules-you-can-break.aspx">Wedding" rel="nofollow">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/planning-a-wedding/articles/10-wedding-rules-you-can-break.aspx">Wedding</a> Planning: The 10 Wedding Rules You Can Break</a> #3. Maybe you should check with The Knot before telling a bride that she's way out of line for what she's registering for. Times are changing and registries are evolving. Best of luck to all future brides, traditional or not.
Posted by ckonidak[/QUOTE]

<div>The Knot is not an etiquette source. It is a business for profit. It earns money from businesses that sell honeymoon registries. Therefore, it is going to tell you that they are ok. They aren't. </div><div>
</div><div>Check with Ms. Manners/Emily Post for correct etiquette rules. Just because someone (who is trying to make money) tells you it is ok to do something, it doesn't make it true. Plenty of venues will tell you it is ok to not provide chairs (because they don't want to set them up) or to have a cash bar (they get the $). It doesn't make it true. </div>

laurendoster · November 2010

I just love trolling through the HM registry posts to see everyone get their panties in a wad about it. Hilarious!!!!!

jemmini6 · November 2010

Again, I think etiquette in some forms is still a manner of opinion. If you were a guest at my wedding, and were offended that I chose to do a HM registry, well, sorry, but I didn't invite you so that you can buy me a gift, if you don't like what I registered for, then don't use it. And to those (I have seen a few), that says they would get some ugly, useless gift instead...now THAT's what I call classy....

wrdgirl · November 2010

I'm going to be blunt: What is the difference between "asking for cash/honeymoon" and "asking for gifts"?

I am not registering because I think having one is TACKY (oh magic word on TK *rolls eyes*). If guests want to give me 10 toasters and 5 microwaves so be it. It's the thought that counts. I'm NOT going to complain I have 10 toasters etc

It's amazing how I have seen people complain about the gifts they received, I have seen people complain about what they didn't get off their registry. I have seen people go all excited about someone buying one item they REALLY want off their registry.

If you need them, get them yourself, don't ask your guests to get them. I have seen some pretty high priced gifts in registries which to me is very very gift grabby. Of course no one is going to pay for a $200 bedsheet set for you! That is NO different from asking for cash or asking for a HM registry.

Personally I won't ask for money if I am going to register only because to me I don't think it's right. But I can't dictate what YOU do. I can give you my thoughts but I won't call you out on it and gang up on you, I'll let you think about what I say.

Lastly, I personally think gift registries are way outdated. If you can afford a flashy wedding you definitely can afford everything on your registry.

If guests want to give you something let them ask you. If they don't give you anything then so be it, they are NOT required to give you anything anyways! And if more then one guest gives you the same thing then GLADLY accept it.

Appreciate that guests want to come (what some of their reasons for coming to your wedding is beyond you), appreciate they want to give you something for your new life together.

banana468 · November 2010

Keep in mind that some people aren't paying for their weddings.

DH and I were lucky enough that our parents paid for a lot of the wedding. We still had a registry.

However we didn't broadcast it and the items were things that helped the two of us set up a home. They weren't helping us fund a luxury vacation.

heyimbren · November 2010

Here's what I don't understand: why set up a HM registry when you're just going to end up with cash in the end? Isn't it easier to just skip the registry altogether, and then most people will just give you cash which you can later choose to use on your HM if you want.

If a HM registry actually worked like a registry, and people bought you a certificate for a dinner or scuba diving, etc. then it would make sense to me. But it just doesn't seem logical since it's an extra, unnecessary middle step that complicates things further.

LaMaFa · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:6e20c82b-df67-4233-9b32-cdc24353cd89">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries : If you read one of the many many honeymoon registry threads, you will find ample explanations, but the main two are 1) it is rude to ask for cash and that is basically what a HM registry does and/or 2) HM registries are dishonest because they don't actuallly get you the gift that the person "buys" for you, but just cuts you a check instead. So, Aunt Millie thinks she's bought you a gorgeous moonlit dinner cruise on a paddle boat. She spent 2 days agonizing over whether you would prefer that or a couples massage more and finally settled on the cruise. When really, she could have saved herself the trouble, because all you're getting is a check for $100 regardless of which way she chooses to "spend" it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Just because there are some brides who will take advantage of Aunt Millie's HM gift, does not mean all of us will. I don't believe in taking advantage of my guests by asking for a ridiculously overpriced 'physical' gift. It's just as easy for a bride to return it and use the money on whatever they want as it is for that HM check to be used for something else. Besides, there actually are some HM registries that directly cover the cost of the gift/package/tickets, etc. It depends on where and with whom you register.
You and many other posters on this board think it's rude and a breach of etiquette to have an HM registry. So what? You 1) aren't required to give/bring a gift to a newly married couple, and 2) can choose to give a gift off the regular registry.
Furthermore, there are A LOT of things that go on today that Miss Emily Post et al, would find in breach of etiquette (including the tone of some of this board's posts), yet those things are still done.
I don't belong to the Newport set, and half of the soon-to-be-invited guests of my wedding were not born/grew up in the US (including my future in-laws). Their rules of etiquette are quite a bit different than yours, so whose rules do I follow then? Because either way someone is going to think I'm in a breach of etiquette.
So perhaps it would be best if you ignored those boards that talk about HM registries. People are going to do what they want no matter what you personally think to be right. It might be best to just let it go and move on with your own wedding plans and life and let others move on with theirs.

NattyGal31 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:986c6902-4b15-4dfc-92b7-7fd654b8fd9f">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's because I'm pretty new to the whole wedding planning thing, but what is so wrong with registering for spa packages, show tickets, etc. for our honeymoon? In this day and age, there are a lot of couples who already have small appliances like blenders and toasters, cookware, basic plates, furniture, and other similar household items. If I don't want to have an entire kitchen's worth of item that I have to spend a full day returning, then not registering for them should be perfectly acceptable. Why is it so wrong to register for a special event that you and your soon-to-be husband can have as a memory forever? Not everyone wants or needs $200 a placesetting silver, or $150 a placesetting china. I understand the sentiment of our wedding being a special party for our friends and family to help us celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime event; so we should be thinking of them when we plan and select things for our wedding. But on that same note, it is our wedding, and if there are so many other things surrounding the day that will be personalized to us, why should the registry be any different? As long as there are a few of the "classic" wedding gifts on the registry for some of our more classically minded guests, then what's so wrong with us registering for show tickets for our honeymoon or at Home Depot for stuff for a renovation or something a little more unique like that? This is all hypothetical for me of course, my fiancee and I haven't even defined a budget for the wedding itself yet.
Posted by LaMaFa[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree. By the sheer fact that you *are* registering, you are asking for money. Be it in terms of a spa package, a honeymoon excursion or a fancy Keurig coffee maker (which I JUST saw a thread asking about which is best). So I think it is pretty hypocritical to say registering using a honeymoon registry or the like is wrong, but a 150.00 coffee pot at Bed Bath & Beyond is right. </div><div>
</div><div>I used a site that allowed me to register for home stuff AND some honeymoon fun, we need stuff like paint and furniture, not blenders and toasters- people were able to contribute to our "Items" in any amount they see fit. I think it is a perfect mix of in-between and I am tired of people calling me tacky (on hear mainly) because you asked for Tools and Dishes and I asked for a contribution to a Scuba diving trip and some drywall for our kitchen remodel. </div><div>
</div><div>If anyone is interested- check it out- <a href="http://www.uponourstar.com" rel="nofollow">www.uponourstar.com</a> - we have been really happy with it! </div>

MattandTracy82910 · November 2010

I don't post often but when I see a topic that has a lot of discussion it peaks my interest...

Forgive me first of all for being ignorant but what do those Etiquette experts a lot of people keep referring to say about returning gifts? So you go forward with proper etiquette and only register then Aunt Millie chooses to get you something she likes that isn't on your registery and you end up returning it- then she comes to visit and asks where you have the China she bought for you... isn't that just as rude? Wouldn't it be nicer to Aunt Millie if you sent her the thank you that the $100 she gave you went to the mixer or power tool or whatever you needed and when she comes to visit she sees it out and sees you using it and how happy you are with it?

I do not know of nor understand the HM registery so I am not defending it nor attacking it this is mainly at the idea of mentioning the B&G would prefer cash not straight up asking for it.

I think the one person (sorry for not checking back on the name) that said no registery let people get what the want and if you end up with 10 toasters so be it would be the person that has the "etiquette" of it all right- you are leaving the ideas completely up to your guests (not a registery that "tells them" what to get) and you are also not returning anything they bought since it came from their heart/mind and should therefore mean something to you.

Personally I do not want 10 toasters and really do not want to return anything nor do I want anything that will sit in a box in storage so we will be registering for some of the items that are "upgrades" or xmas plates or something then family will casually mention we would prefer cash/gift cards as we are trying to remodel the house. We are also having the wedding out of state from where we live so the whole idea of bringing gifts back if they cannot ship them or something doesn't sound like fun. So technically I'm probably not following proper etiquette but if proper etiquette leaves me stuck with 10 toasters and a bunch of stuff I'll never use then I guess I'll choose to be tacky this once.

heyimbren · November 2010

Tracy, returning gifts is different altogether. Your analogy of returning a gift would be similar to then returning a HM gift as well. If someone picks something out for you that you already have, or was off the registry then that's different. But it would be tacky to return a gift that was on your registry just because you'd prefer the cash.

Also, the two posters before that; you were missing the point (at least, the point I was making that Stage seemed to agree with. I don't want to put words in your mouth, Stage.) But my point was that the HM registry is an unnecessary middle step. If you use cash that is given to you as a gift for a HM dinner, then I think it would be lovely to send a thank you not letting the giver know that's what you used it for. But to me, a HM registry just seems silly since you don't actually get anything for it (just a cheque). It's an added middle step. The majority of HM registires that are commonly used just send you a cheque for whatever is given to your HM fund and then you use that how you see fit. That's an EXTRA step of work for accomplishing the same thing. And for those registries that DO take a cut of the money given, you're even losing money then. Plus, you won't receive the cheque until closer to the wedding date so you still have to pay for your HM upfront anyways (anything that requires reservations, at least).

MattandTracy82910 · November 2010

Sorry about that I wasn't clear- I am in full agreement it would be very tacky to register for things then return for the cash or something- definitely did not mean that- mainly meant that even with a registry some people do not like being "told" what to get and will pick something out anyways and if you therefore return that gift and they find out I'm sure feelings would be hurt and that would not be following proper etiquette. So if you aren't against returning the things guests choose that aren't on the registery why be against cash- aren't they both a little tacky? Again by cash I do NOT mean literally putting that on your website or something like that but if anyone asks say oh we registered at such and such for a few things but are really trying to save to... (buy a house/remodel/go on a vacation blah blah blah).

heyimbren · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:f9371033-085b-4fa3-848a-042c5a1bfb7d">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry about that I wasn't clear- I am in full agreement it would be very tacky to register for things then return for the cash or something- definitely did not mean that- mainly meant that even with a registry some people do not like being "told" what to get and will pick something out anyways and if you therefore return that gift and they find out I'm sure feelings would be hurt and that would not be following proper etiquette. So if you aren't against returning the things guests choose that aren't on the registery why be against cash- aren't they both a little tacky? Again by cash I do NOT mean literally putting that on your website or something like that but if anyone asks say oh we registered at such and such for a few things but are really trying to save to... (buy a house/remodel/go on a vacation blah blah blah).
Posted by MattandTracy82910[/QUOTE]

There isn't anything wrong with telling people that you're saving up for something. You can even choose to not register if you don't want to. If people go off-registry, then most are aware that they may not like what they get you.

megk8oz · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-new-sticky-cash-honeymoon-registries?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:968c7ce0-63f3-4c08-891a-a0413130ab63Post:cbf759aa-1916-47e1-b8c7-5f4ce7d4af79">Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We need a new Sticky about "Cash" and "Honeymoon" Registries : There isn't anything wrong with telling people that you're saving up for something. You can even choose to not register if you don't want to. If people go off-registry, then most are aware that they may not like what they get you.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

So true. We're saving up for a house. Our condo is tiny-and literally everything in it was less than 2 years old at the time of the wedding. Plus, I'm not going to lie, the idea of spending an afternoon in Macy's (Or Target or where ever) with a price gun and a list of house wares was (And still is) about as appealing to me as shooting myself in the foot with a real gun.

So we took a chance and opted to just not register anywhere. We did have few "wild card" gifts, but seriously, about 90% our guests figured out on their own to give us cash.

Goldlie11 · December 2010

I was just reading through my copy of "Do I Have To Wear White?: Emily Post Answers America's Top Wedding Questions" and it says that Honeymoon registries are fine and not against etiquette. I personally would rather contribute to one and know that the bride and groom had a great time, rather than buying them something that might gather dust (like my bread maker and Forman grill).

Also, it's not deceptive. A lot of people realize that the couple is getting the money. It's right there on the website.

Most couples who have honeymoon registries also have a registry for gifts. So, if you personally are offended by them, don't contribute. I just don't get people making such a big deal over them and ripping people to shreds or having one.

I went to a wedding that followed every etiquette rule:

-No gap

-plenty of food

-fully hosted bar

-enough seating

-free and ample parking

You get the point. I would have had no problem contributing to a honeymoon fund for them . They never even got to take a honeymoon. They went on vacation almost two years into their marriage.

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