We tried to make her go to rehab... (but she said no no no)
Sorry this is long. The comedy of the title is about all I can muster for this topic.
The short of it is one of my bridesmaids needs to go to rehab, and I have no idea how to get her there or what to do. Maybe some crowd sourcing here will give me ideas, reassurance, IDK.
I chose "Sally" (fake name) to be a bridesmaid early on because we've been close friends since high school, went to college 3000 miles away from home together, and she introduced me to my fiance. Probably since the first month my fiance and I were dating she'd say, "When you guys get married, I get to be a bridesmaid." I know there are woeful tales of picking too early, but I hope you find this to be a different scenario: I still want her to be a bridesmaid; I just want her to be SOBER.
Let's back up so I can explain this situation:
Part 1: I'm worried.
Probably 3 years ago, Sally went a bit off the deepend after a bad breakup and was put on antidepressants, antianxiety medications, and she started recreationally taking aderall. She's a fashion stylist in NYC, so she has weeks where she does nothing and then weeks where she never gets a chance to sleep. This leads to taking a TON of aderall to stay awake and then a lot of xanax to go to sleep. (I think typical doses for aderal range 10-30 MG? She takes an average of 100; she regularly wakes up days later next to empty bottles of xanax.) On top of this, she typically starts drinking at around 10am and occasionally does other recreational drugs (weed, coke, etc). I have zero other friends who behave this way, but it's extraordinarily acceptable in her industry (dare I say encouraged?) so I think it's difficult for her to see exactly how bad this is. To make matters worse, she's successful with her job and would likely not be able to function the way she is if she did not participate in this destructive behavior. We currently live on opposite sides of the country, so most of our interaction is via gchat, text, facebook, etc, but she typically does not remember our conversations from the day before. All of these drugs mixed with sexual promiscuity make me feel like she's going to die or get killed, and she freely acknowledges these risks with a shrug.
Part 2: my fiance is p!ssed.
My fiance and Sally were very good friends before she went off the deepend. She was fairly mellow and never partied much, but the bad breakup she had was with one of his best friends. Drama ensued, but they've reconnected in the last year. Unfortunately as her addictions have progressed, he has lost his patience. He had been trying to be a sounding board for her, but she was continually disrespectful to him. Although she was very excited when we told her about our engagement, she's since taken to regularly saying things to us like, "Well who cares? You're going to get divorced anyway!" or "Weddings are stupid and embarrassing I can't understand why anyone would have one!" or "I want to enjoy my life and my youth, not waste it in a relationship." My fiance wants to cut the cord on this friendship.
Part 3: I'm in over my head.
I've always been good at offering friends advice and acting as a sounding board for their problems. I've always believed that having someone to talk to is crucial to one's sanity. I have done my very best to try to find out WHAT is going on (the best I've gotten is that she's bored), but I'm getting nowhere. I don't want to stop being friends with her and then attend her funeral in a year, but my fiance feels like at this point I'm enabling her behavior (and I'm starting to agree). She's being a horrible friend (and honestly, a horrible person), but I don't believe that she's bad deep down; I think she's going through a rough patch and needs help, but I don't know how to provide that. Her family avoids the issue (sometimes her mom sends her self help books?), her other friends enable or promote her behavior -FOR GOD'S SAKE HER DOCTORS PRESCRIBE THESE MEDICATIONS! This girl is beautiful, succesful, wealthy; "she has everything going for her."
Ultimately I'm worried that continuing to try to have her in my life (and my wedding) will create problems between me and my fiance. I'm just genuinely worried she's going to end up dead. Any friend that has said that to her in the past has been immediately cut out of her life. Is there anything that I can do?
On the wedding front, I want my friend back who is happy and supportive and the life of the party (isn't a typical line on here that bridesmaids just need to show up sober in the dress they're supposed to wear?), not miserable and wasted stumbling around before the ceremony even begins. On the life front, I want my friend (and friendship, if possible) to survive!
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