Post pre-cana meeting freakout

lv2011 · May 2012

I just came back from our 4th meeting with our priest. We were talking about the importance of communication and going over our respective communication styles. While we knew it before this meeting, it kind of hit me really hard how different we are in that area and particularly in problem solving issues between us. FI jokingly said we just need to detox me from all the bad relationships and influences I've had in my life previously, and while I laughed along I also know that he's actually pretty right. And in thinking about all that, I'm sort of freaking out a bit about whether I CAN be "detoxed" and if we can get better at the problem resolving. I don't honestly think we're that bad now, but in 5, 10, 20 years we could be really at each other all the time because this wasn't fixed.

I'm know I'm probably over-analyzing this (another trait of mine that was brought up), because we both know what barriers exist and how to help eachother around them, but it still worries me.

Did anyone else come away from that FOCCUS survey feeling over-whelmed and paranoid? How did you deal with it?

chelseamb11 · May 2012

I'm glad this is something you are recognizing now and not several years down the road. If you agree that you need to "detox" your life, then that's the point where you need to. You can't go into your marriage hoping to eventually detox.
Is it possible you can set up some actual counseling sessions with a marital counselor or your priest? I'm sure they could really help you figure out what you need to do.

Good luck!

Tami87 · May 2012

We also had some issues that were identified from our FOCCUS survey. Most of them stem from the fact that FI is very much an extrovert and wants to constantly be around people and I am very much an introvert and sometimes prefer to spend hours alone reading a book or whatever. I already knew this, and I guess I am not really that worried about it, because even though I know there are things we can work on and improve in our relationship I am confident that we are both completely committed to this and willing to work together to continue to grow. I also agree with Chelsea that it never hurts to look into counseling either alone or with your FI. I think a lot of people see going to a counselor as meaning they have serious issues, when that really is not the case. I think everyone can benefit from counseling and if you are worried about things maybe this will increase your confidence that you have the tools to work out any issues with your FI that may arise in the future.

egm900 · May 2012

Our FOCCUS identified communication as an issue for us too, which we were also already aware of (as well as problems with our parents, which I actually find scarier). Our priest suggested reading the book the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He thinks it would help if we have a better understanding of where the other person is coming from when we try to communicate. Not sure if this will help your particular communication problems or not, but thought I'd toss it out there.

Edit: I also agree that you should look into counseling if you feel you need "detoxed" from previous relationships.

lv2011 · May 2012

I don't think it's detoxing to an extreme. Previous relationship problems were mostly from addictive behaviors that I would try to address and then get completely slammed for voicing an opinion. FI and I are MUCH better than all that nonsense. 1st) no addictive behaviors and 2nd) he helps me to voice my concerns and actually talks to me and lets me talk in return. Before, I would get yelled at and completely shut down and walk away, never addressing the issue as it needed and certainly never resolving things. Now, when there is an issue that makes me want to run, FI understands my flight instinct is kicking in and lets me have a few minutes alone before gently re-addressing it and talking it through. My fear stems more from my seeming inability to get past this automatic shut-down/ run response to conflict. I think I can, but it takes a lot of patience and effort on both our parts. Thankfully, I have a wonderful FI that really is laid-back enough, but also firm in his desire to resolve issues when they arise, and can help me with it. I think I fear he'll give up on me one day and we'll end up ignoring everything. Again, that's pretty extreme and unlikely. I'm just glad that I can recognize these problems in myself and I want to fix them and work toward doing so.

I was just talking with FI a bit ago, touching base with him about our meeting, and I let him know my concerns too. We both feel that as long as we're trying and getting a little better each time, we'll be fine in the long run.

I feel a lot better having gotten this out...a lesson I wish I would always remember in the heat of the moment

Calypso1977 · May 2012

i would recommend seeing a counselor as well. it can't hurt, right?

lalaith50 · May 2012

I know a girl who is a social worker, and she says that everyone should see and could benefit from a counselor occasionally.

Makes sense to me.... It's kind of like pride/humility... if you say, "I don't need that; I'm fine!" then you most definitely DO need that!

(addressed to everyone, of course, not pointed at the OP!)

lv2011 · May 2012

I actually did see a counselor after I during and after my divorce, and I really became aware of that side of me because of it. I just worry that I haven't, or might not, make enough progress even though she reassured me at the time that any progress is good. And since I've known FI, I've made much more. I joke with him that he should be a therapist for all the good he's done me

Post pre-cana meeting freakout

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