Friends as officiant?

Re: Friends as officiant?

• HobokensFury member

  

  November 2012

  Honestly since you would already married there is no point in having a fake ceremony. Skip it. Just have a wedding celebration ie party.

   
   

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• QueerFemme member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_friends-as-officiant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:fdb21c26-7342-435d-b774-7a2fc5a39418Post:10804018-a76b-456c-8bf8-a92f5510c64b">Friends as officiant?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hey guys, my fiance and I area already getting married next month in City Hall for immigration reasons and we're having the proper wedding with family and friends in April. Since we're alraedy legally married at that point, I don't see why I should pay money to have a civil servant officiate us that I don't even know. We were thinking about asking one of my fiance's friends to do it since it's only symbolical anyway but I am a bit worried about how serious they might take the task and how I can ensure it all works out. The two guys we are thinking about are good speakers and have a great sense of humor but my fiance doesn't really want to get involved at all with the wedding planning. Asking him for his opinion on catering is already evoking eyerolls (everything wedding is considered "work"), so I am hesitant to let him plan this with his friend, whichever one we'd choose, because he'll probably ask them once and the hope they prepare for it. I can already see myself finding out the day before that they forgot about it. Has anyone ever done this before and have suggestions/recommendations?
  Posted by Kmueller272[/QUOTE]
  
  
  I agree with Hoboken. Just skip the fake re-do ceremony, and throw a party. Maybe an anniversary party.  There really is no reason to wedding plan, because you will have already had your wedding.  You can do a vow renewal, but those are much more scaled back events than a wedding.   

  

  Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:

  http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
  

  http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
  

  http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
  

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  November 2012

  Ditto PPs. Celebrate your marriage, don't try to re-do it. Just be careful with how much you try to make your party a reception. 

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• artbyallie mod

  

  November 2012

  A 'proper wedding' is one in which you get married. You're doing that this December. To suggest otherwise is to insult everyone who gets married at city hall.

  

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• Gabrielle76

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_friends-as-officiant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fdb21c26-7342-435d-b774-7a2fc5a39418Post:10804018-a76b-456c-8bf8-a92f5510c64b">Friends as officiant?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hey guys<strong>, my fiance and I area already getting married next month in City Hall for immigration reasons and we're having the proper wedding with family and friends in April.</strong> Since we're alraedy legally married at that point, I don't see why I should pay money to have a civil servant officiate us that I don't even know. We were thinking about asking one of my fiance's friends to do it since it's only symbolical anyway but I am a bit worried about how serious they might take the task and how I can ensure it all works out. The two guys we are thinking about are good speakers and have a great sense of humor but <strong>my fiance doesn't really want to get involved at all with the wedding planning. Asking him for his opinion on catering is already evoking eyerolls (everything wedding is considered "work"</strong>), so I am hesitant to let him plan this with his friend, whichever one we'd choose, because he'll probably ask them once and the hope they prepare for it. I can already see myself finding out the day before that they forgot about it. Has anyone ever done this before and have suggestions/recommendations?
  Posted by Kmueller272[/QUOTE]
  
  To the first bolded part, as PP's have stated, the city hall wedding would be your real wedding, skip the second ceremony and just have a party to celebrate with friends (don't do showers, registries, first dance etc.)
  
  To the second bolded part, whatever kind of celebration you have, it's for the two of you, so he should help you.  An FI who refuses and balks at helping at all seems like kind of a red flag. 

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  November 2012

  Ditto Hoboken. Your family and friends will know you're married already, I hope, so I don't see the point of having a second ceremony. Have a fabulous party to celebrate your marriage. You and H could toast each other, if you want to say a few words, but there is no need for an officiant.

                     

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2012

  When you get married the first time, whether it's a big church wedding or at City Hall, that is your "wedding ceremony" whether you like it or not.  
  
  That said, it's perfectly okay to have a party later on.  But just call it a "party" and let it go at that, without any "wedding" accoutrements, such as a wedding gown and veil, attendants, vows, bouquet/garter toss, or gift registries.  The boat will have sailed on those.

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• Kmueller272 member

  

  November 2012

  I see is is a hot topic but I see it differently. In Germany, where I come from, religious ceremonies are not legally binding, only the ones in the court house/city hall are, which is why everyone in Germany has to get married in City Hall/ Court House before the big wedding in the church or wherever. We typically ony bring 3-4 people to the civil ceremony and then everyone to the big one, court houses are typically ugly buildings and most people hate them but you've got to do it. I do not regard my city hall wedding as OUR wedding as there will be no family and none of my friends from Germany present. it's a legal necessity that we're keeping as low key as possible. I am absolutely having a second ceremony because that is the only way for me to get married in front of my family from Germany. I am slightly offended that everyone here doesn't understand that. What about all those destination weddings in Mexico where people get married in US city halls beforehand because the technicalities in Mexico are so excessive?? Are you telling them that their wedding isn't "real" either?

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• jennylee813 member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_friends-as-officiant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fdb21c26-7342-435d-b774-7a2fc5a39418Post:76624f7f-11c6-48c0-9f3d-850936ec4d95">Re: Friends as officiant?</a>:
  [QUOTE]I see is is a hot topic but I see it differently. In Germany, where I come from, religious ceremonies are not legally binding, only the ones in the court house/city hall are, which is why everyone in Germany has to get married in City Hall/ Court House before the big wedding in the church or wherever. We typically ony bring 3-4 people to the civil ceremony and then everyone to the big one, court houses are typically ugly buildings and most people hate them but you've got to do it. I do not regard my city hall wedding as OUR wedding as there will be no family and none of my friends from Germany present. it's a legal necessity that we're keeping as low key as possible. I am absolutely having a second ceremony because that is the only way for me to get married in front of my family from Germany. I am slightly offended that everyone here doesn't understand that. What about all those destination weddings in Mexico where people get married in US city halls beforehand because the technicalities in Mexico are so excessive?? Are you telling them that their wedding isn't "real" either?
  Posted by Kmueller272[/QUOTE]
  
  But since you're not planning to get married in Germany, this isn't an issue. Religious ceremonies in North America ARE legal, because the government and church have an agreement. Here in Canada, we apply for our license 30 days before the ceremony, and the officiant is certified by the government. Members of the clergy, JOPs, mayors, and other people are all commissioned by the government to legally marry someone.
  
  I am guessing that your FI is a US citizen and you are not, since you mentioned immigration as the reason for the city hall wedding. Here's my advice to you: while what you are describing might be acceptable for you and your relatives, HIS family will not share this view. In our culture it is considered rude to have a do over, and at least half of your guests will share this belief. Is that how you want to start your married life, being side-eyed by your new in laws?

  

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• Kmueller272 member

  

  November 2012

  You are assuming wrong, his family totally understands, we've looped them into the plans a long time ago and everyone's on board. We have numerous friend who did it this way, either because they got married in Mexico or else. One couple even had three weddings - one in city hall for immgiration reasons with only 2-3 friends, then a big one in Brazil for her family and one in England for his because a lot of family members couldn't travel. It is very common for people of different faith or international couples. Another couplle we know had one Christian wedding and one big Indian one, this is 2012 so I am really surprised that nobody here has ever experienced it. These friends of ours would certainly never consider either of their weddings less important than the other. We are the couple and we decide which ceremony counts for us. I opened this thread for people's advice on the officiant question not to get flak for having two weddings, which so far nobody in my life ever thought was weird except for this board here. I see that nobody has any interest in answering that question.n

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• Kmueller272 member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_friends-as-officiant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:fdb21c26-7342-435d-b774-7a2fc5a39418Post:2c15a9e7-1c9d-47eb-92ae-1268cd910dc7">Re: Friends as officiant?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Why can't you wait until April and have the legal wedding then?
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  
  
  It makes our life a lot easier from a visa perspective if we get legally married beforehand, but we can't pull off a big wedding so fast with all of our guests being either from out of state or out of the country.
  The company I work for isn't doing so well and I am constantly at risk of getting laid off. Since I am here on a work visa, this would mean that I have to leave the country within days. After 3 years and having this happen to me once, we're tired of the constant uncertainty

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• jennylee813 member

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_friends-as-officiant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:fdb21c26-7342-435d-b774-7a2fc5a39418Post:4f05d7fb-e239-46a8-912d-6f21f80283eb">Re: Friends as officiant?</a>:
  [QUOTE]<strong>You are assuming wrong, his family totally understands, we've looped them into the plans a long time ago and everyone's on board</strong>. We have numerous friend who did it this way, either because they got married in Mexico or else. One couple even had three weddings - one in city hall for immgiration reasons with only 2-3 friends, then a big one in Brazil for her family and one in England for his because a lot of family members couldn't travel. It is very common for people of different faith or international couples. Another couplle we know had one Christian wedding and one big Indian one, this is 2012 so I am really surprised that nobody here has ever experienced it. These friends of ours would certainly never consider either of their weddings less important than the other. We are the couple and we decide which ceremony counts for us. I opened this thread for people's advice on the officiant question not to get flak for having two weddings, which so far nobody in my life ever thought was weird except for this board here. I see that nobody has any interest in answering that question.n
  Posted by Kmueller272[/QUOTE]
  
  Ummm ... of course they're not going to tell you to your face that they think your idea is tacky or gift-grabby. They'll tell each other. Over and over. For years to come.
  
  I even understand you wanting everyone to be there and share in your wedding day. But if you've already said your vows, it's done. It's nothing more than a production, a play. and that cheapens the moment.
  
  April is only a few months away.
  
  And to answer your original question, since you aren't going to take any of our advice to heart: your friend doen't have to be ordained to perform a fake ceremony. If you decide to do the right thing and have one ceremony in April, then you need to speak to your local courthouse to find out the regulations for people becoming certified to perform ceremonies

  

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• Kmueller272 member

  

  November 2012

  I think you didn't hear me earlier. There is no way I can have just one wedding without either sacrificing having my family and friends at the wedding or risking to get laid off and kicked out of the country before it happens. I asked around a bit and know tons of people who have had more than one wedding, it seems the only ones who are weird about this are you guys here, which I never expected from such a support-heavy board.
  I know people who went to the courhouse months earlier because otherwise they couldn't move in together (custody issues with child from previous marriage), people who had two different weddings because of different faiths and cultures, because of families on different continents, or the typical Mexico destination wedding where couples do city hall beforehand because of the complicated laws in Mexico. Would you call those giftgrabby and tacky, too? Also, what part of my desire to have a wedding with my friends and family exactly is giftgraby? or what  part of having two ceremonies exactly? After all, I am not expecting people to come to both, so it really doesn't make a difference on that end. I never even said I would expect gifts at my wedding btw.
  
  I am just trying to understand where this narrowminded stance is coming from, considering there are so many couples nowadays with different background stories and this seems to be a pretty open-minded board, I thought.
  
  Regarding the original question. I was looking for advice on how to ensure your  friend who's officiating you is doing a good job, for experience for those who had their friends marry them, for their stories and maybe tales of caution.
  
  Mods, feel free to close this thread as it is clearly going nowhere.

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• SLC5885 member

  

  November 2012

  It may not be for everyone, but I get why you want to have two ceremonies. So.. I'm going to chime in and answer your original question! We're having my best guy friend (who has since become one of my FI's best buds) officiate our wedding. If you're worried about your FI and his friends planning it, then plan it yourself/with your FI first. We're typing up everything we want our officiant to say, from the welcome, intro of readings, vows and ring exchange. If you want the friend to do something personal he can always add something personal to the intro. But the important thing is not to let him "wing it." Have an outline of the ceremony you want (based on others you've been too or the good old internet), and have a rehearsal before the big day.

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