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Wedding Etiquette Forum
xiammjx
member
Predicament
Hello all,
The dilemma is this:
I logged in on my fiancées account because I've been having an immense amount of stress regarding our upcoming wedding recently, and I needed the best thoughts and advice I could get.
I'm hoping that I'm posting this in the correct forum. If not, I apologize.
The dilemma is this:
My fiancée and I have been engaged for 3 years, and we had originally planned an October 16th wedding date. We're both in school, and when she went to file for a temporary leave of absence, they were unable to grant her anytime in the month of October off (She's in a small trade school), leaving us with availability at the end of August, September, or November.
Our wedding is going to be on the beach, and where we live, its normally not the best weather in November. So that month was thown out. Next, my fiancee happens to have a terrible superstition with getting married in the month of September, because every failed marriage in her family happened in September. This left us with the end of August, which both worked out extremely well for her and I's schedules. Not to mention that we had planned for a small private ceremony, and some of our family members began telling other family members and inviting them, leading to an original guest list of about 15 blowing up to about 60. So its been an awful planning situation from the get-go.
The main issue is that we notified our family that we want in attendance as soon as we were able to reschedule everything. The majority of her family that she wants to come will be able to make it. Most of my family will not be able to.
My fiancee and her family were both encouraging an elopement, but I was against it because I have always felt like I need to do anything that my family wants me to do, and they want to be there. So we decided that we'd have a very small ceremony leaving an open invitation to close family if they were able to make it.
My grandmother, aunt, and uncle will be the only people from my family attending. My siblings and I have a big age gap, and they are still in school as well as active in sports. My parents focus primarily on them, and I tend to stay in the backdrop. My siblings have sports obligations right before, during, and after our wedding date, so my parents won't be able to drive to the beach to make it.
I fully understood that there were prior commitments, and I had no hard feelings towards it. Sorry for the huge backstory, but here is the overall problem.
My mother and I have an estranged relationship, I speak with her on occasion, but mostly she is notified about my life through my father. I have had a hard-time dealing with her, and she knows what to say to make me get upset.
I spoke with her yesterday regarding the wedding, and gave her the complete details. She proceeded to make me feel guilty about her not being able to make it. I told her that it was what worked out for our schedules, especially considering I start my next semester of school a few days afterward. She told me that I was self-centered and selfish to not think about the family with my wedding. She said that its stupid for me to get married without my immediate family, and that I screwed everything up (essentially) I tried to remain peaceful with her until she started screaming at me over the phone, and as soon as I tried to calm her down, she hung up the phone.
My question to the forum is: How should I feel about this? I am really excited about being able to marry my fiancee sooner, and being able to spend the time afterward on our honeymoon together, but I feel this immense pain and guilt that I really am wrong. I've always thought that your wedding day was about you and your partner, and basically screw what everyone else thinks. I have a very difficult time doing that with my family, as I was raised under immense pressure to be perfect, do everything right, and do everything the way your family wants it done. I am not very close with my family outside of my grandmother these days, I usually speak with them over the telephone weekly, but thats about it. So it's not like I haven't left the compounds of my family. On the surface, it doesn't phase me that they are mad at me, and have basically written me off. But deep down, its really getting to me.
I'm not one to post my problems on the internet, but with this one, I'm completely confused. Is it okay for me to only think of myself and my partner for at least one day? I mean, it sucks that my family won't be able to attend, but I have accepted it, well at least until my mother proceeded with her relentless rant. Now I just feel like I'm going to fuel the fire for being the blacksheep of the family. The one thing that I do like about not having those members of my family is this: The people who are going to be there for me are the ones who have NEVER turned their back on me, and I feel that they are the ones who deserve to be there the most.
The planning of this wedding has been awful, but after 3 years, my fiancee and I are ready to make the jump, even with the little money that we have to make it happen.
As a perfectionist, but also one with bad anxiety, I feel that everything must go perfectly, and that it should be the epitome of what a true wedding should be. I am just worried about the negativity from my family impacting my emotions on that day.
Any advice, thoughts, anything would be helpful. I apologize for this horrendously long post, but I thank the forum for allowing me to vent the frustrations that have been plaguing me.
-G.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Predicament
You and your FI have CHOSEN to get married at the end of August.
Your siblings have CHOSEN to participate in a sporting event instead of attending your wedding (only acceptable if scholarships are riding on it, or they are pros)
Your mother has CHOSEN to attend said sporting events instead of your wedding.
You can't be responsible for anyones unhappiness that results from their own choices.
Just tell her that you're sorry she's chosen to attend these events with your siblings and unable to make it and leave it at that. Then stop talking to her.
[QUOTE]The people who are going to be there for me are the ones who have NEVER turned their back on me, and I feel that they are the ones who deserve to be there the most.
Posted by xiammjx[/QUOTE]
This is what you need to focus on.
PPs are right - it's terribly shiity of your mother to do this to you. However, after reading the backstory about your family dynamics I guess her behavior is to be expected.
And I think your feelings of guilt are normal. As you said, you've felt pressured your entire life to please your family and do what you're told. Now, you're doing what <strong>you</strong> want - not what <strong>they</strong> want - and believe me when I tell you, your mother is purposely trying to make you feel guilty so that you change the date to accomodate her. Don't give in.
As others have already said, I would just simply tell your mother (and other family members) that you're very sorry they can't make it, and leave it at that.
Good luck!! And CONGRATS! :)
Married!
Unless your siblings have college scholarships riding on their attendance at games AND college scouts in the stands that day, there is absolutely zero excuse for them and your parents to not attend. No coach is going to bench them for the rest of the season if they miss a game for their brother's wedding. Besides, at least when I was in high school, we sent video of games to college coaches.
AKA GoodLuckBear14
www.tiffandshel.com/wedding
SOME coaches WILL bench a kid for missing a game (and/or even practices) for the next game or even the season. It does happen. There are two sides to this, when you join or are chosen for a team you are part of that team. You have a commitment to them to be there. But when you're part of a family, that is also a team and you have a commitment to them and to me, commitment to the family team is bigger than to a sports team. However I have seen what vindictive coaches can do and sadly there are too many of them today.
Our kids were extremely active in sports and music, we were extremely active in all of the parent organizatins that support them. So I do understand the commitment by both child and parent. ALMOST nothing kept me from attending my kids sports and other events, including driving from one end of the county to another to be able to watch them both compete in the same day and then head back to school for either parent support group (Athletic boosters, music boosters, etc) or music performances by one or more children.
Note I said ALMOST nothing would keep me from my kids sports and other events. The wedding of another child would trump my other children's performances, even for a state championship.
Do I think your mom is wrong? Without knowing the level of talent of your siblings and whether possible scholarships are involved, probably she is. Is she going to change now? I doubt it and most likely neither are you. Whatever has set this pattern of behavior between you two is most likely set.
You've stated the parents can't come to the beach but you want them there. Can you conceive of moving your wedding closer to them? What is more important to you - the location or having your family? If you were to offer to move it, if they still throw roadblocks in your way then, in my opinion, you will have a firm answer. No matter what you do they are going to find fault and you will need to make a choice - give in to them or go your own way. If they are agreeable then you may be able to salvage the relationship you have with them and work this out.
If you are adult enough to get married, you need to make adult choices that are best for you and your FI.
As a PP said, your mom is trying to guilt trip you into changing your wedding day to a day that accomodates her. You picked a day that is convenient for you and your FI, and nobody should expect you to try and have your wedding while you are both in school. Go on with your wedding as planned. As you said, the family members you care most about are the ones who will be there. Tell your mom you are sorry that she won't be able to make it, but this is the day you've chosen, and you aren't changing it. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if your mom ended up being able to make it after she realizes you aren't budging on the date.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485