Rightfully upset or Zilla?

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

I need someone to check me here. I'm trying to be reasonable but I can't help but be upset,

My brother and his FI are very snooty and rich. His FI declared my cousin's wedding decorations "cheap" and scoffed at a number of my wedding ideas. They are getting married in a DW in April 2013. But I recently found out that out of nowhere, they declared their shower will be this August, a week or so after mine and a few weeks before our wedding. They did not even once think about the timing, and even forgot about our shower plans. They had an "oh crap" moment when they realized they may have booked theirs on top of ours, but it wasn't so (luckily). This was all planned by FSIL and her mom, never once checking with my mom if this would be feasable for my side of the family to do my shower, their shower and my wedding all within a few weeks.

Their reason for booking when they did? Their plane tickets would be cheaper that week for some reason (they live in NC). My brother makes close to $100k a year, and they just HAD to take advantage of this particular ticket deal??? I called BS on that, and so did my mom. We are not happy that they did not ask us and had absolutely no regard for my plans.

I've been feeling really let down lately because ever since we got engaged, so many others jumped on the bandwagon and "trumped" us. FI's sister was engaged for three years and couldn't decide on a date. Once we picked ours, she picked a date exactly a month before us. Then my brother got engaged and asked that we change our date so he could have it because it's what he wanted. I said no... so this is what I get. Their shower jammed inbetween all of my plans.

Am I right to be upset or should I just smile and nod?

Fluffernut · June 2012

Wow! I would say you have a right to be upset. I know we all only "get one day," but I don't understand how people can't be considerate of others, unless it absolutely is the only time they can do it, which, it sounds like, is not the case.

However, I think you will just have to smile and nod, or risk stirring things up if you say something. I think you've done the right thing here by venting, but you will probably have to just let it go. Consider that the others are the inconsiderate ones, and just be happy you're not like that.

Kello4221 · June 2012

You have a right to be upset, but I wouldn't say that you have the right to openly complain about it to them. If I were you I'd RSVP no and either schedule or pretend that you had to schedule some really important wedding task then. Honestly, her family was probably the priority when it came to picking the date and as we all know you can never pick a date that makes everyone happy - so if you or members in your family can't attend she just has to accept that. I think your comment about their finances is a little on the zilla side (sorry), just because they have money doesn't give anyone else a right to determine how they spend it. On that same note she was totally rude making those comments about your cousins wedding. It sounds like a crap situation.

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_rightfully-upset-or-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:96960482-584e-409f-ae28-8a03c8f321b3Post:5528c4de-f4c3-43b3-beb5-6b3b3d2fba6f">Re: Rightfully upset or Zilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]You have a right to be upset, but I wouldn't say that you have the right to openly complain about it to them. If I were you I'd RSVP no and either schedule or pretend that you had to schedule some really important wedding task then. Honestly, her family was probably the priority when it came to picking the date and as we all know you can never pick a date that makes everyone happy - so if you or members in your family can't attend she just has to accept that. I think your comment about their finances is a little on the zilla side (sorry), just because they have money doesn't give anyone else a right to determine how they spend it. On that same note she was totally rude making those comments about your cousins wedding. It sounds like a crap situation.
Posted by Kello4221[/QUOTE]

I guess this is why I mentioned their financial situation. She said how important it is for her to spend money on things like pricey centerpieces, but then in the same breath said they picked that date for their shower solely based on a cheap plane ticket deal. I admit that its not right for me to say what they should spend their money on (thanks, thats the kick in the butt I needed), but its so hard to hear them brag about how well off they are and then claim they had to do this to cut costs, as if there would never be another plane ticket deal between September and April. My mom is mad because they say this will be a shower for both sides of the family but never asked her if any of us could make it!

abcollins08 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_rightfully-upset-or-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:96960482-584e-409f-ae28-8a03c8f321b3Post:c65d6dc8-5330-47d5-8376-53fe63482907">Rightfully upset or Zilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]I need someone to check me here. I'm trying to be reasonable but I can't help but be upset, My brother and his FI are very snooty and rich. His FI declared my cousin's wedding decorations "cheap" and scoffed at a number of my wedding ideas. They are getting married in a DW in April 2013. But I recently found out that out of nowhere, they declared their shower will be this August, a week or so after mine and a few weeks before our wedding. They did not even once think about the timing, and even forgot about our shower plans. They had an "oh crap" moment when they realized they may have booked theirs on top of ours, but it wasn't so (luckily). This was all planned by FSIL and her mom, never once checking with my mom if this would be feasable for my side of the family to do my shower, their shower and my wedding all within a few weeks. Their reason for booking when they did? Their plane tickets would be cheaper that week for some reason (they live in NC). My brother makes close to $100k a year, and they just HAD to take advantage of this particular ticket deal??? I called BS on that, and so did my mom. We are not happy that they did not ask us and had absolutely no regard for my plans. I've been feeling really let down lately because ever since we got engaged, so many others jumped on the bandwagon and "trumped" us. FI's sister was engaged for three years and couldn't decide on a date. Once we picked ours, she picked a date exactly a month before us. Then my brother got engaged and asked that we change our date so he could have it because it's what he wanted. I said no... so this is what I get. Their shower jammed inbetween all of my plans. Am I right to be upset or should I just smile and nod?
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

Cowgirl - You've had lots of posts recently about your brother and FSIL, they seem like a PITA and I understand where you're coming from. You always reference how well off they are and to be honest this makes you seem really jealous. Stop sharing your wedding ideas with FSIL and she'll have nothing to scoff at. It seems like the two of you have very different tastes in general so I can't imagine that your weddings will be anything alike. Just because your brother makes 100k a year doesn't mean anything, they could be up to their eye balls in debt and like to be flashy to make people believe they are happy.

I'm sorry but I have to say that you don't have a right to be upset about her shower. It's not the same day as your shower or your wedding, yes they are being inconsiderate of your family by scheduling everything so close but just because you're getting marriend doesn't mean that other's can't at the same time. And saying that other people are "trumping" you does make you sound like a bridezilla. It's not a race, if you're married to your FI at the end, that's all that matters.

calindi · June 2012

The only thing you and your Mom have a right to do is refuse to attend the shower - if her family wants to throw her one, that's their choice. You can opt to throw her a shower later for your side of the family, or simply skip. But you should keep in mind that your wedding is one day, not a whole season, and they're entitled to pick any weekend they like for their shower as long as it doesn't conflict with your wedding day. That's really the only day (okay, the whole weekend, and maybe a week before and after, too) you're entitled to feel is "yours".

If you don't like her judgements, don't tell her your ideas. If she's outright rude, then just say, "I don't appreciate you trashing my ideas. You're entitled to have your wedding the way you like it, so please respect that I'm very happy with the wedding plans we have made. It hurts my feelings when you criticize it."

Brides are sometimes competitive, which might be why she's critical, and is also seen in your post referencing their finances. My brother makes a lot more than I do, and I'm envious of the vacations they can afford and the savings they have, but I would never begrudge them that - I'm super proud of him and happy for them. And even people who make high income are entitled to be frugal - read "The Millionaire Next Door" - people don't get wealthy by spending up to their income level, they become wealthy by saving it. Chances are your brother and his FI are savers, which is why they picked a cheaper flight to visit, which is ultimately to their advantage. Don't judge - it makes you look petty.

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

Like PP said I think you have a right to be upset since they have somehow made everything into a competition. I just wouldn't openly complain about it. Not worht the drama. Just decline the invite. Clearly your family wasn't the priority and based on many situations she seems like a selfish brat. As long as your family is aware of your shower and wedding first, they will be able to make the decision on how many events they can attend (with the obvious priority being your wedding over either shower). It was definitely inconsiderate but it doesn't reflect poorly on you since your dates were picked. So just let your family make their own judgements on how she handled this and tell her you are too busy with your own wedding to make anything realted to hers until October (not a lie since I know you are stressed about getting everything done).

egm900 · June 2012

Everything calindi and abcollins said. Just because your brother makes a lot of money, doesn't mean that they have a lot of expendable income, and whenever you bring it up, it makes you sound incredibly jealous.

I will admit I was guilty of setting the date for my shower before checking with FMIL, I didn't think she'd want to go, since her family was having one as well. If your mom is upset that she isn't going to be able to do all of this, then someone should say something to your brother, but keep it to the exact facts. Your shower is very close to Cowgirl's wedding, and I/Mom won't be able to attend because of everything I/she need to do for Cowgirl's wedding, and I'm/she's very upset that she will be missing part of your wedding festivities. If they refuse to move it, then perhaps you can offer to throw one for your family at a later date.

CowgirlK39 · June 2012

Thanks girls. I needed the perspective. I honestly do not even talk to FSIL, ever. But when we were all together for my cousins wedding, she would ask me about my plans and then bash them. She mocked me for liking country music, and asked if the whole wedding would be country. I said no out of respect to my guests, and she blurted out "Oh please, yes it will be!" I told her that we wanted a variety to dance to, and she then argued with me that country can be dancey. I became very confused as to WHAT exactly she was debating with me but then it became clear that no matter what I said wouldn't be good enough for her. So that was the end of wedding talk.

I guess that it has just really gotten to me that we are so very different and while I just go about doing my own thing, they seem to have a say about it all. I am very happy that they have a nice life and good jobs, and I'm not really interested in having the life that they have (its not my style honestly). I just get more annoyed that they think its ok to talk down to anyone and be inconsiderate of others because of their income. I think I will decline her shower, since I will surely be busy and probably won't ever get her anything good enough anyway.

AshnRobo · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_rightfully-upset-or-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:96960482-584e-409f-ae28-8a03c8f321b3Post:8421b62b-158a-442f-8788-625c393d2acd">Re: Rightfully upset or Zilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks girls. I needed the perspective. I honestly do not even talk to FSIL, ever. But when we were all together for my cousins wedding, she would ask me about my plans and then bash them. She mocked me for liking country music, and asked if the whole wedding would be country. I said no out of respect to my guests, and she blurted out "Oh please, yes it will be!" I told her that we wanted a variety to dance to, and she then argued with me that country can be dancey. I became very confused as to WHAT exactly she was debating with me but then it became clear that no matter what I said wouldn't be good enough for her. So that was the end of wedding talk. I guess that it has just really gotten to me that we are so very different and while I just go about doing my own thing, they seem to have a say about it all. I am very happy that they have a nice life and good jobs, and I'm not really interested in having the life that they have (its not my style honestly). I just get more annoyed that they think its ok to talk down to anyone and be inconsiderate of others because of their income. I think I will decline her shower, since I will surely be busy and probably won't ever get her anything good enough anyway.
Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]

It has to be the end of it. If she wants to talk to you about her wedding, fine. Smile and nod. If she asks about yours, just say everything is coming together nicely and then bean dip.

Like other PPs said, you can attend or not attend, but you can't complain. It is not even the same week as your shower. It is inbetween your events. If they want to be frugal, that is perfectly fine. Having suspicions about the "true" reason they scheduled that date will only eat you alive.

Let it go.

MrsBassPlaya · June 2012

I can understand you being a bit miffed, but I agree that it's making you sound a little zilla. Unfortunately, she didn't do anything "wrong" in scheduling it then, so voicing your opinion that she shouldn't have done so is just going to reflect poorly on you. I realize that she isn't your favorite person for many valid reasons, but this is the time when you have to be the bigger person.

I guess the one thing that really sticks out to me is she's having a shower in August for a wedding in April??? That just seems like an excessively long time prior to a wedding to have a shower. If I were a guest, that would confuse me.

Rightfully upset or Zilla?

Re: Rightfully upset or Zilla?

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