Please do not mention children

toothpastechica · December 2011

I have been at SO many christian weddings lately where people, either the 'officiant' or people making toasts have made comments about how 'great a mother she will be' or how they 'are excited for grandchildren' or 'next step is kids'. It really annoys me that people assume that the next step has to be kids....not that i never want kids, but i dont want thinking about future children as a part of my wedding day. Can you ask people without coming off as ornery to not say anything about a future of children? Is it really too much to ask that the focus be on the commitment Fi and i are making to EACHOTHER on our wedding instead of merely acknowledging that its now culturally acceptable to have children?

naomikb · December 2011

I entirely see where you're coming from, and I totally agree.

I don't know of a tactful way to bring it up, other than to say something like "we haven't decided yet if we're going to have kids" to the officiant/whoever is offending. Hopefully that will scare them off enough to not bring it up in a speech/sermon.

To me, my wedding day did make me think about my future kids - it made me think about how my parents raised me to this point where I am now all grown up, and in my speech I thanked them for doing so and told little stories about growing up and said that I hope I can be as good parents as they were to me. So I can see how it would come up, especially in situations where guests/officiant knows that the B&G are planning to have kids.

fpaemp2011 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_please-not-mention-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c5d6ab23-59e3-4d1a-936d-e1bf912e6f37Post:4ba5718c-e1c0-48d8-80d1-b06a1fcecc08">Re: Please do not mention children</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't know of a tactful way to bring it up, other than to say something like "we haven't decided yet if we're going to have kids" to the officiant/whoever is offending. Hopefully that will scare them off enough to not bring it up in a speech/sermon.
Posted by naomikb[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>However, this could get you your own personal sermon, because I know many (not all) ministers will side-eye Christian couples who don't want kids, as kids are one of the many God-ordained gifts of marriage. It may be better to not say anything to anyone beforehand, but talk with your FI about how to answer questions or comments about it.

</div>

ochemjenn · December 2011

DH asked me to just say we don't know yet before we got married, even though we'd already decided we didn't want kids. (We wouldn't have gotten engaged if we weren't on the same page about kids.) Our parents and the minister knew though. When we looked at the outline for the ceremony I saw one of the prayers of the people was for children. I asked that it be removed, and I was. I wouldn't have been comfortable letting people pray for something we don't want.

We didn't have a problem.

BMcLeodTeam · December 2011

We already approached this with our Pastor, although he is very close to FI and I and understands our situation. In our case, I had a battle with Ovarian Cancer, and thanks to the treatment have found out that apparently that`s not an option for us... so to have that mentioned would be INCREDIBLY hard to hear, so we already talked that through with him about making sure that wasn`t brought up.

FaithCaitlin · December 2011

We aren't sure what we are doing about kids and I really hope no one brings it up at the wedding.

No advice on my part, just sympathies!

naomikb · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_please-not-mention-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c5d6ab23-59e3-4d1a-936d-e1bf912e6f37Post:04c276be-f377-4326-8488-2b07e5f30fcf">Re: Please do not mention children</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please do not mention children : However, this could get you your own personal sermon, because I know many (not all) ministers will side-eye Christian couples who don't want kids, as kids are one of the many God-ordained gifts of marriage. It may be better to not say anything to anyone beforehand, but talk with your FI about how to answer questions or comments about it.
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]
True, you may get a lecture from someone. But I would see that as a time to share your opinion on a) not having kids or b) the fact that you want the focus of your wedding day to be on you two, not on kids.

I don't think it's right to be afraid/concerned about a lecture from close-minded person in a situation where you feel you have to hide your beliefs/opinions. If you have something you feel strongly about and want to share, share it - maybe it will open the other person's eyes. It's not their place to judge you.

RyansBelovedBride · December 2011

I'd talk to your minister about your concern specifically about it, and not be afraid of what they might say. Unless they're very new to marrying people, it probably has come up before. In our church's marriage ceremony outline, the prayer for kids is in parantheses, showing that it's optional, because they know that not everyone wants/can have kids. It's a common thing.

And if there's anyone else you're pretty sure might mention it, maybe casually mention in conversation you're not sure about having kids, and maybe that will curtail it. However, you can't muzzle all your guests, and it might happen in a toast. I hope not, but try to just let it roll off your back. Hopefully the "I'm married! I'm married!" high will innoculate you.

RyansBelovedBride · December 2011

PS. I've already decided I am having the prayer for kids. The reason I mention this is because when you've been to these weddings lately that prompted this, it might be the bride and groom made it well known they're looking forward to kids, so that no one felt bad talking about it, since it wasn't an assumption on their part.

ElisabethJoanne · December 2011

Our pastor mentions that marriage was ordained for the orderly continuation of the human race, even when the couple is past the age of child-bearing.

In my church, fertile couples cannot marry intending never to have kids. A fertility blessing is a part of the marriage service.

So, the answer to your question is, No, and I think that's wonderful.

sessionswedding · December 2011

Luckily DH and I didn't get this brought up at our wedding. I would have given a nondescript answer like PPs suggested if they had.

toothpastechica · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_please-not-mention-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c5d6ab23-59e3-4d1a-936d-e1bf912e6f37Post:3ad5c059-f30e-43f6-8b80-52f26224bc3f">Re: Please do not mention children</a>:
[QUOTE]PS. I've already decided I am having the prayer for kids. The reason I mention this is because when you've been to these weddings lately that prompted this, it might be the bride and groom made it well known they're looking forward to kids, so that no one felt bad talking about it, since it wasn't an assumption on their part. :)
Posted by RyansBelovedBride[/QUOTE]

I know at least one of these brides (who i have had this conversation with before her wedding) is unable to have kids, but felt like because of <strong>stigma in christian circles</strong> against christians who cant or dont want kids is so strong she doesnt want to point out publically that shes not having kids, and sure enough 3 people at her wedding made comments about thier 'future kids' and i cringed every time someone said something. I actually want kids....eventually..and i want to adopt more then i want biological kids...but i dont want them to be a focal point of my wedding day, a day that is supposed to be about commitment...kids or not, and i think with infertility rising its actually insulting to be hearing this at wedding after wedding and not only do i think its something i dont want at my wedding, i think its heartbreaking for those who may be in attendence and cant have kids...like thier marraige isnt complete because those things people said about them having kids on thier wedding day never happened.

DramaGeek · December 2011

Our standard answer around wedding time was "Hey, we just got married, give us a chance to enjoy being newlyweds!" said with a laugh. My parents' favorite answer was "we don't know when we'll have kids, but in the meantime we're having fun practicing!"

mrandmrsbrist · December 2011

I didn't have this problem at all...

RyansBelovedBride · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_please-not-mention-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c5d6ab23-59e3-4d1a-936d-e1bf912e6f37Post:076f3ed2-6ff9-41cb-8867-be6519f169dd">Re: Please do not mention children</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually want kids....eventually..and i want to adopt more then i want biological kids...but i dont want them to be a focal point of my wedding day, a day that is supposed to be about commitment...kids or not, and i think with infertility rising its actually insulting to be hearing this at wedding after wedding and not only do i think its something i dont want at my wedding, i think its heartbreaking for those who may be in attendence and cant have kids...like thier marraige isnt complete because those things people said about them having kids on thier wedding day never happened.
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

I have PCOS. I was diagnosed when I was 16. It's the leading cause of infertility. It doesn't necessarily cause it, but if you are infertile, this is the most common cause. I was told then, at 16, that I'd probably be fertile until I was 25.

I'm 25 now.

I think God purposely didn't have me meet Ryan until I was less than 9 months from turning 25 because He wanted me to not have a chance to have kids before I was 25, because He wants to show up and give me kids. Ever since I was 16, I had this little biological clock ticking down at a way faster than normal rate. I thought I'd have at least one kid by 25, having already been married years (which is totally normal here). But it didn't happen.

Long ago, I fell in love with the idea of adopting. Like you, in some ways I look forward to it more. I go through phrases now. Right now I'm in love with the idea of a green eyed, brown skinned, black haired baby (a possible mix of Ryan and me-- his grandmother had blue eyes) so I'm leaning towards bio kids. But other times, I want adopted kids more. Truth is, I want both. Bad. Ryan never had considered adopted kids, and was okay with it but not that excited... but now he admits he looks forward to adopting. Yay! My prayers and powers of persausion have brought him over to my side. Maniacal laughter. ;)

Anyway, in my situation, I want the prayers for fertility all the more at my wedding. Because I need them all the more... I want to have at least one biological kid, to get the pregnancy/breast feeding experience, but if all the rest are adopted, that's good to me. And if I never have a biological kid, I'll be okay with that too. But I still would love to have my family and friends rally around me and pray about it. And I'm sure there are other women who have also struggled with fertility who are the same way.

But I do think that people should be sensitive and it should be a choice. And PCOS is not the same as a hysterectomy. I had a cancer scare this summer-- they had to a do a biopsy of a thickening in my uterus. Possible uterine cancer. I was so scared. And the Mayo Clinic website was not helpful-- it basically said "this type of cancer is no big deal- they just take your uterus and you're better".

Blessedly, it wasn't cancer. It wasn't even pre-cancerous. Though I'd had an annointing with oil, so maybe it was and it got healed. We'll never know.

penny12986 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_please-not-mention-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c5d6ab23-59e3-4d1a-936d-e1bf912e6f37Post:6032ab26-8cb7-4151-a39c-ce573bda28cd">Please do not mention children</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been at SO many christian weddings lately where people, either the 'officiant' or people making toasts have made comments about how 'great a mother she will be' or how they 'are excited for grandchildren' or 'next step is kids'. It really annoys me that people assume that the next step has to be kids....not that i never want kids, but i dont want thinking about future children as a part of my wedding day. Can you ask people without coming off as ornery to not say anything about a future of children? Is it really too much to ask that the focus be on the commitment Fi and i are making to EACHOTHER on our wedding instead of merely acknowledging that its now culturally acceptable to have children?
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

I think that it is perfectly fine if you do not want the mention of children to be part of a public speech to everyone. Of course you can't restrict what people say in private to you but you should not have to worry about the social pressure and awkward situautions like this on your wedding day.

My FI and I have also requested that no one mentions having children during our wedding. Though this is different from you, we have decided that children are not in our future so we have tried to communicate this to people as clearly as possible to avoid anything like this during our wedding.

ShadowCutter · January 2012

I agree; DF and I think we want to have kids eventually but not until at least a couple years down the line, and I'd rather the focus be on us and the marriage and not "the next step" so fast. In the first few months of us dating my sister started saying "are you gonna get married?" and after awhile it became "when are you gonna get married", and that was annoying because first of all, he's the one that proposes (we're traditional in that area) so why are you asking me, and secondly I want to go one step at a time and enjoy each chapter. Dating as long as we did was good in my view and just being married for awhile will be good too. On the other hand if we are going to have kids a blessing towards that is a good thing; but my church does birthday and anniversary blessings every week and you can have special request blessings too, so we can always get a "having kids" blessing later.

Please do not mention children

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