Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?

Chay234 · July 2010

My fiance and I are getting married next October, but are in the process of booking our reception site and caterers. His parents gave us money towards the wedding that we planned on using only for the reception site and food. It's definitely great and appreciated, but one problem comes with it...

My future father-in-law is rather opinionated when it comes to money, the guest list, and where we should have to reception. He's already told us to cut most of our guests out b/c they probably won't come anyway and that instead of the museum that we would like to have the receptions (and can afford), we should look at multi-purpose rooms at churchs (other than where the wedding is going to be), American Legions, and Firehalls.

It's very upsetting and I would really appreciate some advice in how to deal with his ideas gracefully.

quotequeen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-ideas-dealing-future-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f574cc98-be63-4933-a4e9-b1efc67c1ed5Post:057a8a3b-9ddb-4867-9fdc-f0826ad13f87">Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are getting married next October, but are in the process of booking our reception site and caterers. His parents gave us money towards the wedding that we planned on using only for the reception site and food. It's definitely great and appreciated, but one problem comes with it... My future father-in-law is rather opinionated when it comes to money, the guest list, and where we should have to reception. He's already told us to cut most of our guests out b/c they probably won't come anyway and that instead of the museum that we would like to have the receptions (and can afford), we should look at multi-purpose rooms at churchs (other than where the wedding is going to be), American Legions, and Firehalls. It's very upsetting and I would really appreciate some advice in how to deal with his ideas gracefully.
Posted by Chay234[/QUOTE]

Say "we will take that into consideration," or "I appreciate the advice, but we have decided on X." Then just let it go.

jmkes · July 2010

Ahhh yes, the sense of entitlement that comes when someone gives you money. I agree with pp that you should say "We'll take that into consideration." And he's a guy, of course he's gonna thing the American Legion Hall is where you should have it. Not to knock AL Halls, or VFW halls, my brother's reception was at one. But if y'all have a vision and have the money (thanks to FFIL) then go with the venue you want. Will FFIL blow a gasket if you don't spend the money on the venue he wants you to use? The guest list should reflect your budget, if you can afford to invite everyone then do it. If not, then make those tough decisions of who to keep off of it.

I've read that only 70% of invited guests actually show, but I don't know how accurate that is.

jenn.daniel · July 2010

With my FFIL, I have to to blunt. "Well, I don't really like the look of tents." didn't work. "I do not want a tent" worked a little better. Be firm, but polite.

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-ideas-dealing-future-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f574cc98-be63-4933-a4e9-b1efc67c1ed5Post:057a8a3b-9ddb-4867-9fdc-f0826ad13f87">Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are getting married next October, but are in the process of booking our reception site and caterers. His parents gave us money towards the wedding that we planned on using only for the reception site and food. It's definitely great and appreciated, but one problem comes with it... My future father-in-law is rather opinionated when it comes to money, the guest list, and where we should have to reception. He's already told us to cut most of our guests out b/c they probably won't come anyway and that instead of the museum that we would like to have the receptions (and can afford), we should look at multi-purpose rooms at churchs (other than where the wedding is going to be), American Legions, and Firehalls. It's very upsetting and I would really appreciate some advice in how to deal with his ideas gracefully.
Posted by Chay234[/QUOTE]

Money = strings. If he's footing part of the bill he gets part of the say. Don't like it? Politely and graciously decline his money and pay for your own wedding.

M&R7111 · July 2010

Yep, that's what happens when they are paying for any of the wedding. With what PP said - there are strings attached. Decline the money if you can't stand it.

However, that may not solve the situation, as with what I have:

my FMIL is calling me EVERY SINGLE DAY to give her two cents about plans for the wedding and who to get for this and what to do for that, she MUST have this friend and that friend on our already over-the-limit guest list......AND SHE REFUSES TO CONTRIBUTE A DIME b/c MY parents are the ones who "pay for it".

we are paying for 100% and the annoying "suggestions" just keep coming and coming and coming....... My advice...just smile, say "OK, thank's for the suggestion" and then do whatever you want! I most likely won't end, but if you decline the money, there is nothing they can hold over your head when you shoot down their ideas.

stephdonjon · July 2010

It's one thing when your own parents foot the bill, but then the future in-laws get involved, they can be harder to say no to. My family is from a small town and so all of my relatives have had their receptions in church baesments or legion halls, but FI and I didn't want to get married in a church and we wanted something nicer than the sub-par halls around here. We ended up securing an absolutely gorgeous venue at a country club, which I never thought we could have afforded on our budget. But my mom was all for it when I told her it was what we wanted and it was affordable. Since then she's really let go of the reins on the whole planning process. She'll insert a suggestion now and then but if I don't agreee with it, I just tell her, "Well, we had been thinking more of..." And she's been great.

Now FI's parents are different. They're paying for all our alchol and the rehearsal dinner, so wherever they want to have the dinner is entirely up to them. It'll have to be a veggie-friendly place obviously because their son is a vegetarian, but they can choose a place that fits their budget. Same with the drinks. While FI and I want an open bar, if his parents decide they'd want to switch to a cash bar during the cocktail hour that's their call. Their money, their decision. That's the price you pay for someone giving you financial support. Now should they override every decision you make? Not necessarily. But you should discuss it with them. Or if you have a hard time talking with them, have your FI try to sway them. Not saying he should be pushy or anything, but he can tell them more of what you two had in mind.

kpwedkk · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-ideas-dealing-future-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f574cc98-be63-4933-a4e9-b1efc67c1ed5Post:057a8a3b-9ddb-4867-9fdc-f0826ad13f87">Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are getting married next October, but are in the process of booking our reception site and caterers. His parents gave us money towards the wedding that we planned on using only for the reception site and food. It's definitely great and appreciated, but one problem comes with it... My future father-in-law is rather opinionated when it comes to money, the guest list, and where we should have to reception. He's already told us to cut most of our guests out b/c they probably won't come anyway and that instead of the museum that we would like to have the receptions (and can afford), we should look at multi-purpose rooms at churchs (other than where the wedding is going to be), American Legions, and Firehalls. It's very upsetting and I would really appreciate some advice in how to deal with his ideas gracefully.
Posted by Chay234[/QUOTE]

Since your future in laws are giving money towards your wedding/reception, they are obligated to get a say in your wedidng planning details. They want to make sure that their money is being put to good use.

Have a sitdown conversation with you and your fiance.

- If you are able to afford the wedding of your dreams, gently decline your future in laws help and pay for it yourselves.

- If you aren't able to pay for the wedding of your dreams, then have a discussion with your in laws and work out a compromise. Share your feelings, and unbiasedly, listen to theirs. It could be practical and legitimate. They've been married once, and it's got some experience to lend on for your wedding.

Kristin789 · July 2010

This is your answer to FFIL:
"Oh, I think my parents are already done with that part of the planning. But if you'd like to ask my dad about it, he's home after 6:30."

This is FI's answer to FFIL:
"Dad, you know that Jane's parents are hosting the wedding, and I'm sure they are researching everything thoroughly. But if you want to talk to her dad about it, he's home after 6:30 - and here's the phone number."

Lisa8888 · July 2010

I think you have to be polite and hear him out. If his ideas aren't good ideas, then don't go with his ideas. Just tell him that you will think about what he said or since you have your venue just tell him you have already committed to the venue. He may just think that he is trying to be helpful. No need to hurt his feelings.

vegasgroom · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-ideas-dealing-future-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f574cc98-be63-4933-a4e9-b1efc67c1ed5Post:057a8a3b-9ddb-4867-9fdc-f0826ad13f87">Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE] It's very upsetting and I would really appreciate some advice in how to deal with his ideas gracefully.
Posted by Chay234[/QUOTE]

You need to decide what is more important; not being upset and paying for it yourself so you have the one and only say in what happens and who gets invited, being upset and not having to pay any or as much of the expense, pissing off the inlaws by shooting down FFIL's ideas and getting what you want or possibly ending up having to pay for it anyway depending on how it works out. Personally I hate being dictated to, particularly about something like me and my FI's wedding, so I'd tend to pay for it myself and scale it up or down to match the budget I could afford; then maybe FFIL feels guilty and contributes later and you come out ahead, or maybe he doesn't, but either way you didn't have to worry about pleasing anyone but your guests.

trix1223 · July 2010

Kristin, you give this advice often. And I completely disagree. Once my kids were past puberty, I expected them to handle their own misunderstandings. These are adults you're talking about.

Her FI should be talking to his dad. If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to start handling their own issues instead of having daddy take care of it for them.

This is exactly the reason my sister, the admissions chair for a grad program in a major university still have parents calling to try to fix their kid's grades or find out why they weren't admitted.

If you wanted to be treated as an adult soon to be married woman, act like one.

redheadfsu · July 2010

Money = strings. Sorry, but they get to decide how their money is spent. You have two choices:

1. Return the money. Then you can brush them off with the, "we will take that into consideration" line. If the money is yours, you can't nicely tell people to mind their own business.

2. Keep the money. But, you will have to have a sit down talk about how their money will be spent. Plus, your FI should take the lead with his parents as he knows them better.

JoyTate1 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-ideas-dealing-future-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f574cc98-be63-4933-a4e9-b1efc67c1ed5Post:3e0186d9-0d4f-4f00-81dd-fe8df102fa2a">Re: Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is your answer to FFIL: "Oh, I think my parents are already done with that part of the planning. But if you'd like to ask my dad about it, he's home after 6:30." This is FI's answer to FFIL: "Dad, you know that Jane's parents are hosting the wedding, and I'm sure they are researching everything thoroughly. But if you want to talk to her dad about it, he's home after 6:30 - and here's the phone number."
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
Um, No way would I let my parents handle my problems. Also, since her in laws gave them money for the wedding doesn't that mean they are also hosting? Your advice makes no sense. If my FILs called my mom to ask her something or tell her something about the wedding, she would tell them to call me and wonder how they got her number.

MairePoppy · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_advice-ideas-dealing-future-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:f574cc98-be63-4933-a4e9-b1efc67c1ed5Post:3e0186d9-0d4f-4f00-81dd-fe8df102fa2a">Re: Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is your answer to FFIL: "Oh, I think my parents are already done with that part of the planning. But if you'd like to ask my dad about it, he's home after 6:30." This is FI's answer to FFIL: "Dad, you know that Jane's parents are hosting the wedding, and I'm sure they are researching everything thoroughly. But if you want to talk to her dad about it, he's home after 6:30 - and here's the phone number."
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

This is awful advice. First, it's not fair to pass the buck to your parents. Second, your FFIL is going to be your family member for a very long time. It's a good idea to start learning how to relate to him, now.

If your FFIL is contributing to your wedding, you should at least be willing to listen to his ideas. You don't have to follow any of them, but acknowledge that he is trying to be helpful. He may be under the impression that his gift is covering most of the wedding expenses. You should assure him that you have your own resources and are capable of covering whatever expenses are over the amount that he has given you. Try to be patient and remember he didn't have to give to anything.

Lilou902 · July 2010

Trix - The other day I was eating at Subway, watching a young girl go through a job interview. I assumed it was her first job as she looked fairly young and the manager was going over a ton of info, but her MOM was sitting right there with her!! I couldn't believe it. I would never hire someone who brought their mom to an interview. That mother was doing a great injustice to her daughter. A first job is a right of passage and shouldn't include parents tagging along.

I realize that has nothing to do with the post per se, but what you said about being grown ups made me think of it and I thought I would share!!

Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?

Re: Advice or ideas for dealing with the future in-laws?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards